T O P I C R E V I E W
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 01:51 AM
Ever since I was like nine, I looked up to this girl. She's the same age as me and we're friends now (I'll get to that). But recently, like last year/ this year, I have been more drawn to her... We became friends in fifth grade through our musical preferences. Now I'm in eigth grade and VERY recently, like a month ago, I have been starting to realise that I like-like her. I didn't know at first. I realised it after certain lengths of time without her around would pass and I would become sick, and couldn't stop thinking about her. Or when I notice the smallest things about her (for example the way she stands when she opens her locker at school). Or when I sometimes think about kissing her (which makes me want to be with her soooo bad). I've already talked to one of my friends about my.... sexuality, and how I LIKE this other friend. She doesn't know what I should do either. Which makes me mad. So now I'm losing sleep thinking about this girl. I'm thinking tomorrow I'm gonna tell her how I feel about her, BUT I don't know if it's a good idea. Our group of friends is kind of quiet, and we know we all are okay with homosexuality, but I personally haven't ever met one (that I know of) if I myself am not homosexual. So I really don't know. Please help or imma rip my heart in two (kill meself) <--- To end this on a good note....
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 02-21-2010 02:08 AM
Hi Abberkadabbers, welcome to Scarleteen! Well, it sounds like you really like this friend of yours-- I'm happy to hear you've found someone you like so much, regardless of gender. However, I understand how a same-sex crush can feel really scary if it's a new feeling, even if you know you're technically totally OK with homosexuality (and bisexuality, too?) If this is a good friend and you think she'll react respectfully no matter how she feels, that you could accept all types of replies, from "I like you too!" to "I'm flattered but not interested" to "Whoa, no way! This feels awkward and I need some space," then you could go ahead and tell her. However, if you'd rather test the waters first instead, you could talk about things indirectly to gauge her reaction, like discussing a celebrity who's out or how she'd feel if she had a gay or bisexual friend. How do you feel about doing any of these? Here are some articles I think you'll find helpful. Also, I realize you probably mean the suicide thing in jest but we have to take such things seriously. We're not criticizing you for feeling that way, of course; we just want you to be safe! Here are some national/local suicide hotlines for you in case things start to feel really hard. The Bees and...the Bees: A Homosexuality and Bisexuality Primer Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz Living without Labels [ 02-21-2010, 02:10 AM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 02:36 AM
My goodness, that was a fast response!! Anyway, as for the suggestions on how to "test the waters", I've tried to ask her about what she would feel like if she had a bi/les/gay friend, but I'm so shy!!! And she's really quiet, like doesn't say much about herself other than the obvious (her mysterious nature is another reason I would like to be more... intimate with her and to delve in the dark waters of -name-) So that's another reason it is hard for me to say what I want, and why it's hard for me to know what she will say (hopefully tomorrow if I can gather the courage, and her parents dont bar us from doing something. Again.) THAT is another reason It's hard for me to talk to her. I can't seem to find the right time to say how I feel. Oh yeah, and I'm not really sure about the suicide thing.... I really have wanted to die because I like her so, so much but cant do anything about it But the thought of killing myself scares the shit out of me so I wouldn't count on dying on purpose anytime soon. Thanks for your help!!!
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 02-21-2010 02:48 AM
Well, there are users and volunteers around the globe... and some of us are just night owls. It sounds like you've already been proactive, like asking her how she'd feel about having a queer friend, but I understand how it can be hard. It's important to feel comfortable enough talking to the person we like, but when you're nervous about it because you're both coming out to her while saying you like her, it can feel both exhilarating and frightening! Normally I'd say to just wait if you're not feeling ready yet but it sounds like you really want to: just play it by ear tomorrow. If it comes up, great; if not, don't get down on yourself for it-- you'll have other chances to tell her. If you do talk to her, you can just make it as simple as "I want you to know that I like you" and take it from there, like if she asks for clarification "I mean, I like you as a friend but I also have a crush you on you... you don't have to say anything back but I just wanted to let you know." What have her parents barred you two from doing before? I have been there, like freaked out so much about "Am I this? Or that? Or something totally different, I just want to know!" before to that extreme, too, so I know how hard it can be. But, of course, it's gotten to the point where it's totally no big deal, not even something that I worry about at all! It's just getting there and I know you will eventually, whatever your orientation may be, so please hang in there! If for some reason you are seriously considering suicide, like making a plan or suddenly getting an urge, then you tell an adult you trust or dial one of those numbers right away and they can help you out. OK, I'm going to sleep soon but I'll check back in tomorrow and other users and volunteers will be around, too.
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 02:53 AM
Thanks alot!!!!! your suggestion for what to say hit me like a bludgeon!!! Like geez, that is exactly what I should say!!!!! And her parents just give her alot to do and she has to babysit and they are like social butterflys and I dont think I should be around for their social events. And THANKS!!!!!
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 02:57 AM
Oh! and by the way, does anyone who is reading this know about any gay/bi/les/tran music groups I'd like to listen to that kind of music just because. I'm lazy and don't want to look on my own so... yeah.
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 02-21-2010 02:57 AM
Back for a second tonight. Yeah, just for a a simple "I like you" and take it from there! That's fine about her parents: if they were really homophobic or against a friendship between the two of you, that'd be a potential problem but what you're saying sounds different. By all means, if you don't feel so comfortable at their place, stick to where you prefer. As for telling your friend, I'd probably do so on private but "neutral" territory, like if you two go for a walk together (Brr! I know) or some other middle ground. Also, one more thing: Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out Good night, and you're very welcome! I love seeing your energy here-- it's contagious. [ 02-21-2010, 02:58 AM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 02:59 AM
Thanks!!! And on a walk is exactly what I was going to do! Yeah! So excited now..... SO GLAD I FOUND THIS WEBSITE!!!!
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 02-21-2010 03:04 AM
We're glad you're here, too! Some LGBT bands that come to mind are Tegan and Sara and Ani DiFranco (singer-songwriter/folksy stuff) and Tribe 8 and Team Dresch (for punky stuff) but there are many, many more bands in many genres. Like Elton John is gay and Freddie Mercury, the deceased singer from Queen was, too. If you like metal, there's the singer Rob Halford from Judas Priest. Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day had identified himself as bisexual. If you like dancy stuff, Lady GaGa has talked about being bisexual, too. ...and the list goes on! There are many bands who are queer-friendly even if some/no members talk about their sexual orientation or are straight. What genres do you like? [ 02-21-2010, 03:06 AM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 03:06 AM
Folk-rock, rockish-classical, indie, stuff like that.... Thanks!
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 09:59 AM
Oh yeah! And I was wondering if this is probably just a one time girl crush? After I realised I liked my friend, I've been noticing girls more... I've always liked boys, but the thing is, I've never actually had a relationship other than friend or family, etc.... So how should I know if something like this is real? Also, I never like, have had "fantasies" about boys. And I also hate the fact that if I am gay and I come 'out', everyone I know is gonna be like," Oh, everyone knew THAT was gonna happen eventually for HER, she was a TOMBOY in elementary school!" That would be the worst. Cuz' I hate being like a steriotype and everyone is just so.... so-so about steriotypes.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 02-21-2010 10:16 AM
You give it time, and you see what happens for you over the years. For most people, orientation just isn't something we can figure out based on feelings for one person -- particularly since one person can't represent the whole of their gender -- or based on just a few months or even years of feelings and relationships. Mind, we may have hunches or intuitive feelings about our orientation that we can find out over time were correct, but we still usually just need to give it time.
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 10:27 AM
Thanks, I appreciate your help. One thing though, what if the feeling you get from the other person who happens to be a girl is just so intense? Like there's nothing in the world that could satiate you more then just getting to be with THAT person? And the feeling of not being able to have that person somehow, makes it hurt so, so, so very much? I mean, is it normal for anyone to feel that way about something or someone they want? I'm just really confused!
Heather
Member # 3
posted 02-21-2010 10:34 AM
Well for starters, I still don't think that tells us much about our orientation, because those feelings are about one person only, not a group of people. The kinds of feelings you're describing are how many people express feeling with crushes, or with being in love (rather than loving), especially when it's very new or when being in love as a whole is new. And those feelings aren't exclusive to a given gender or only about a given gender. Do you know what I mean?
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 10:41 AM
Yeah, but I've had crushes before, but this is so, entirely different. And like I said before, I've liked other girls, just not as much as I do this one I guess. On a different post about an early age same-sex relationship, I don't really think it was a relationship just experimenting, but with the person (who I didn't like like that) we kissed each other a couple times, but there was nothing like, chemical going on, except that I liked kissing another girl.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 02-21-2010 10:54 AM
You know, I think sometimes we can experience first-time same-sex feelings as particularly powerful. It's hard to say why that is, especially since it's going to vary for different people. For instance, for folks who were very unprepared for those feelings, or told they were really wrong, that can be why those feelings may be more high-key,. For others, it may be that they are gay or lesbian, so the stronger feelings can be because they HAVE stronger feelings for a given gender. For others still, it can just be the nature of that particular relationship, or the ways some dynamics can be different in same-sex or same-gender relationships as opposed to opposite-sex or gender relationships. It may also be that you simply have stronger feelings for this specific individual than you have for others in the past. After all, we're not going to connect with everyone the same way: some relationships or interpersonal chemistries are just stronger than others.
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 11:02 AM
I think you're right about me just having stronger feelings for this person. I'm about to tell her today (if I can) about how I feel about her, but one thing I don't want to happen is that she'll deny me since I'm attracted to her. I also don't want me to tell her and then she be okay with it or accepting about it, but we not do anything to pursue that relationship <---- That happened once when this guy and I expressed our feelings for each other and then nothing happened after that...
Heather
Member # 3
posted 02-21-2010 11:16 AM
Well, it's always a possibility that someone else won't share the feelings we have for them. That'll actually happen pretty often in life. I know it's always rough, but it's just part of the deal, really. As well, even when people have shared feelings, that doesn't always mean both people will want to pursue a relationship, for a whole host of reasons.
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-21-2010 05:02 PM
Soo... I couldn't see my friend today and now I'm feeling super depressed. I guess I shouldn't be listening to depressing music right now then... Ergh I hope I get to say what I want during the week or I'm not sure whats gonna go down.... Sigh.
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 02-21-2010 06:28 PM
Hi Abberkadabbers! I'm sorry you couldn't see her today BUT I swear it'll be ok and you'll have other chances to tell her! I also am someone who likes to do stuff right away *but* waiting a bit can be a good thing or at least not a bad thing. What about specifically inviting her to do something with you, like a friendly outing, so you both have it down on you schedules?
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 02-22-2010 02:39 PM
Thanks so much. I think seeing her today in school has calmed my anxiety a little (yes it's that bad). I think that is a really good idea, but sometimes her parents schedule things on really short notice. I can still hope though!
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 03-05-2010 08:59 PM
Soooo.... Since i couldn't do anything for another two weekends, Imma gonna try, try again. Wish me luck!
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 03-06-2010 07:38 PM
Good luck, Abberkadabbers! Regardless of how your friend reacts, I'm glad that you're feeling brave and comfortable enough to share your feelings with her. My fingers are crossed for you.
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 03-07-2010 06:38 PM
This is ridiculous. I don't understand why I can't do it! I mean yeah, I'm ready to tell her but, what the hell! I didn't do it again, I didn't have the chance. I'm so useless, so so useless. I want to shrivel up in a hole. Gnerg! So useless....
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 03-07-2010 06:40 PM
I'm going to just tell her in some other way, since I can't do it face to face with her. For the next four weekends she has fencing tournaments and an all-state orchestra thing. Any suggestions on what I should do instead?
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 03-07-2010 08:28 PM
Hey there, don't get down on yourself! Asking someone out can feel "scary" because it involves the potential of rejection just as much as it involves the possibly of having the other person share your feelings. If you're feeling ready and wanting to, go for it; if you're not feeling like it's the right time or isn't comfortable enough, then you don't have to either! Well, she's definitely busy. I know we've talked about it before but I'll ask again: what are you hoping telling her would result in? It might be that, even if she *is* interested, she just doesn't have the time for dating or a relationship. It's not to discourage you because who knows how she'll react but even if people *are* interested in each other, it doesn't result in a romantic/sexual relationship. What about calling her on the phone? You could send her an email or tell her via chat *but* you'd want to make sure you're comfortable with her potentially forwarding what you've said to others; we'd hope she'd respect your privacy there but you want to be careful. How do you feel about either of those options?
Heather
Member # 3
posted 03-07-2010 08:30 PM
If I can just pitch in: one thing I'm noticing is that it sounds like your friend is a VERY busy person, and as it is, you don't get to see each other very often. That given, like Lena asked, what are your expectations in telling her you have feelings for her? Are you prepared for her to -- however she feels -- simply be unable to pursue a relationship with you or anyone else regardless given how packed her schedule seems to be? [ 03-07-2010, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 03-07-2010 08:46 PM
I really just want the satisfaction of letting her know, and if she wants the relationship to bloom then I'm sure we'll find time together. Also, we see each other in schoo a lot.
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 03-07-2010 09:08 PM
OK, well it sounds like you know what you want with this. Just to throw it out because you've talked about it before: school's certainly a place to hang out with a girlfriend or boyfriend, like if you want to eat lunch together or hold hands in the hallway, but it's also not the place for private moments, like an intimate discussion or making out. Also, the thing about finding time is that a busy person tends to stay a busy person: throughout high school and college, I was had something to do most every weeknight and weekend, and there wasn't a lot of time to sit around between all the activities and homework (I still go to bed now around 1/2am, eek!) I'd hang out with friends and I had some relationship/dating BUT a relationship does take a certain amount of time and headspace (not that we're advocating any certain amount because it's individual.) I know that many times I just wasn't in the headspace or didn't have the time to have something really serious... and it wasn't anything against the other person, it just was my schedule and interests and prioritizing. So, I'd certainly hope things could work out, but sometimes they don't. OK, that all said, I don't mean to put the chart before the horse. Good luck!
Abberkadabbers
Member # 45894
posted 03-08-2010 05:44 PM
Thanks. I want to say this again though, she herself is not a really busy person- her parents put her in a lot of activities. Actually if it weren't for her parents, we probably wouldn't even be friends right now! So, I thank them for that..... Thanks again though, I know what your saying.