T O P I C R E V I E W
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 12-02-2009 04:55 PM
I like girls. That much I know. But recently I have been doubting my bisexuality, I just don't know if I like guys anymore! I see girls that I think are good looking all the time, but I barely see guys I like. I can think, oh he's cute, but this doesn't happen very often and I don't know whether the idea of kissing him is one I like. Simply stated, I like girls because they are pretty, I don't think I like guys anymore. Every time I think about the possibility of being a lesbian I look back and remember a crush on a guy. I did like those guys, but now the idea of dating a guy kind of grosses me out. I am mostly out as bi, but if I were to come out as a lesbian no guys would ever ask me out, but I don't know if I care. I can't think about guys when I masturbate (although I have just begun that, so I am figuring out the mechanics of it) I can only think about girls. I was wondering how others made the distinction between being bi and being gay or lesbian. How do you separate the aesthetic appreciation for someone and they liking feelings towards them. I would also like some advice. I am so confused.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 12-02-2009 05:02 PM
My sense, moonlight, is that you're trying to compact what is often a much-longer process of growth for people into a VERY short time. You've just started feeling out bisexuality and that shift. Being lesbian has nothing to do with how a woman feels about men. In other words, whether or not you like boys now (it was only a little while ago you did) has nothing to do with how you feel about women. Whether or not we're solely or primarily sexually and emotionally attracted to women, love women, is about women: not about men. Get what I mean? My suggestion would be to give yourself some good space here: you don't need to identify as anything when you're in such a strong space of questioning, something I think I told you before when you were asking about bisexuality. And sometimes when you keep leaping to try and find the box you fit in, you can miss the process of discovery and growth which tends to define itself in time. Rather than trying to put labels on things so fast, why not just give things some time -- some months, some years -- and see how you feel over time, especially in actual relationships? [ 12-02-2009, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Heather
Member # 3
posted 12-02-2009 05:09 PM
P.S. The idea that men don't still ask women out or hit on them when they ID as lesbian? Oh girl, if only. There are so many times in my life when I was partnered with women that I endlessly wished for that result. Rarely happens.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 12-02-2009 05:34 PM
I know it takes time, I just wish it didn't. I feel like I should be able to figure it out because it's me, I should know myself.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 12-02-2009 05:43 PM
...except for the part where, in your teens and twenties, you are still becoming yourself. It's a developmental process, all of this stuff. None of us is born fully formed as a whole, complete person: we become who we are gradually. And if instead of seeing who we are becoming, and being as patient as we can with that, we try too hard to fit into boxes and identities, we may well become something other than who we actually are. I know that it can be maddening, especially because in your teens and twenties, it can sometimes be so rough to find stable, unchangeable things to hold on to while everything else is shifting. But that's just the way those years go. It might also help you to recognize that simply knowing what orientation we are only gives us so much. It doesn't make relationships any less complicated, it doesn't mean we'll even have romantic or sexual relationships. It can also even leave you with even more questions to resolve sometimes or with new challenges you didn't have before. By all means, some of us have a bigger, stronger sense of intuitive knowing what our orientation is when we're younger. For some, that may stay the same through all of life: for others, it'll still shift. But it's a lot like the fact that some people have a clear sense of what they want to do with their lives from childhood on, and others don't. There are so many things like this, and orientation is only one of them. Our orientation can't tell us who we are: it can tell us something about a part of yourselves, and give us some cues about what we want in certain kinds of relationships, but that's really about that. And I think that if you try and push to an identity rather than letting yours happen and grow, this can feel all the more frustrating, in part because the process of finding out our orientation isn't one we can really think out: it's something we feel out. [ 12-02-2009, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 12-02-2009 05:51 PM
But I just can't stop thinking about it. I realize it is only one very small part of who I am, but it is all I can focus on. I feel lost. How can I stop focusing on this and just get on with my life?
Heather
Member # 3
posted 12-02-2009 05:56 PM
How about doing a reality check about what you think this will actually give you? A label can't tell you who you are, and neither can an orientation. You also can't think your way into finding out how you emotionally feel about something. In other words, trying to force this process is just fruitless. And being very singleminded about it also tends to result in neglecting ALL of who you are: you're not just who you are or are not attracted to, after all. What are your other interests and goals in your life? How much time and energy have they gotten lately?
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 12-04-2009 08:11 PM
Sorry about the delayed response, I really appreciate your help, I just needed to really think about what my other interests and goals in life are. Today I sat and watched it snow, I just sat there and thought. I realized that I have been really on edge lately due to, exactly as you said, not giving other parts of myself enough attention. And (as inspired by a quote you made a post about ) I wrote a letter to my future self, or rather begun a letter anyway. This allowed me to really examine myself, I began unraveling parts of my life, explaining it for an older self whom I assumed would remember little of it. I expressed to myself how I was feeling, how I had felt so exasperated with myself, with my alleged best friend with whom things had been second rate at best, I discovered the major point in my recent life that drove me doubt what I had assumed was, for the better part of my life, heterosexuality. Both were strangely intertwined in a dream which both made me realize that sticking with the status quo in my friendship was a transgression of my self-respect, and discover that "hey, I might not be straight", despite the fact that two concepts are, in reality, so separate and unconnected. I will, worry not, explore other aspects of myself in the letter, I have got less than a page finished and those were the parts that were fresh in my mind. I think that writing a letter to one's self is an amazing concept, although it is likely very similar to writing a diary, in that, while it can be fantastic for some is an incomprehensible bore for others. (I just wanted to specify that the post you started, Heather, was an adult writing to his young gay self. This is the link for any interested http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/16/t/001172.html ) Oh and just a quick note: I found writing the letter much more therapeutic than writing a diary entry because I knew it would be read, but had no need to be apprehensive of the readers thoughts, since it would be me. [ 12-04-2009, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]
Heather
Member # 3
posted 12-04-2009 09:10 PM
I agree, that's a great exercise! I'm glad it's so fruitful for you. You might be interested in a group of those we have over at the All Girl Army, too: http://www.allgirlarmy.org/tags/aga_roll_call_dear_me
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 12-04-2009 09:36 PM
Thanks, the link is fantastic!
michan
Member # 44481
posted 12-05-2009 11:45 PM
I've kind of talked about this sort of thing to a lot of people all over, so I'm going to send you to a link that I hope will help. http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/16/t/001215.html Also there is a scale. "It is a scale from 1 to 10. 1 being super straight and 10 being uber gay. Very few people are either one or the other. Most people are somewhere in the middle and are just closer to one side or the other."