T O P I C R E V I E W
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 11-19-2009 05:14 PM
I am thinking about coming out a bit more than I have. So far I have told two friends and my parents (although in a later discussion I lied and told my dad that I didn't think I was bi anymore) I don't really know how I would go about coming out to them. Oh and I suppose I should note that I have decided that if expressly asked, or it arises in conversation, I will not lie, I will tell them I'm bi. I guess I am just apprehensive of being out at school, especially since my crush is in the group I hang out with (I should also add I am not close with many of them) and she may guess. I don't know what sort of response I am looking for, advice, similar experience perhaps? Oh and I might as well add that this coming out would sort of be my outing for the whole school, I wouldn't ask anyone to keep it quiet.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 11-19-2009 07:31 PM
Also I should add that the if you ask than I shall tell policy does not go for my little sister nor my parents (although somewhat more for my parents). My little sister is somewhat homophobic, for instance when we were watching Grey's Anatomy she commented on the lesbian relationship on it, saying something about how it was weird(the fact that they were both females). She is also one of those prone to saying how "gay" something is, I tell her that gay is not a synonym for stupid or make some smart-alack remark about how her <insert item here> likes <insert item here> of the same gender. Oh and once, I believe it was after our parents had been discussing homosexuality with us and how it was completely normal, she asked me (not near our parents) if I was straight (which at the time I believed I was), and I said yes and she asked if I would always be to which I replied I didn't know. I just don't know how I will handle it when I get serious with a girl, especially if I end up marrying her. She will continue to assume I am straight because I will also have relationships with males. The reason I don't want to tell (or re-tell) my parents is that I don't want to discuss it. Specifically with my dad he said if I were that they would have to treat every one I brought home like a potential date, he even asked about a close, *straight*, friend and I! A.K.A. no more sleep overs! If I brought a gay male friend home he wouldn't act that way so why would it make sense to do this when I bring home straight female friends! Oh and also what deters me from coming out a little is when I came out to my oldest friend (we have known each other since JK, used to be bff's, now our friendship is splitting a little although that has nothing to do with my bisexuality), she asked if my parents go through phases! I was outraged. I haven't said anything to her about it, although we haven't hung out since then. I know she is trying to be open minded which I appreciate but she can be very closed minded. I could sense her homophobia. It also bothered me that she asked if Elisabeth (my crush) were also bi! So what I can only like bi and lesbian girls and straight guys? I know I should talk to her about it but I don't know how to, not to mention when. I realize that my coming out will not always greeted with open arms (although I did have a friend who was completely accepting) but the negative experiences still sting. I also know that the coming out process will never end, with new people I will still need to tell them; but I will make it a fact, not a surprise. I am just apprehensive of how my coming out will be greeted and how to come out. Advice?
vshanti
Member # 43159
posted 11-22-2009 10:53 AM
Hi moonlight! This is definitely a complicated topic, and it sounds like you have been thinking about it a lot and working out what feels best for you. Don't feel that you need to have everything figured out right away-- coming to terms with one's own orientation and being upfront with friends and family can be a very difficult process, and you don't have to do it all at once. Am I correct in assuming that your parents have been quite accepting of your bisexuality? It's not unusual for parents to take some time to come to terms with their children's orientations, so if things are a bit rough right now, it might be best to be a little patient. quote: Oh and also what deters me from coming out a little is when I came out to my oldest friend (we have known each other since JK, used to be bff's, now our friendship is splitting a little although that has nothing to do with my bisexuality), she asked if my parents go through phases! I'm afraid that I don't really understand what this is referring to. Could you clarify? Thanks! You might have already seen this, but it's a great article:Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 11-22-2009 02:07 PM
Yes my parents have been accepting of my bisexuality. EXCEPT my dad basically told me that if I were bisexual that they would have to treat everyone I brought into this house as someone I might date. (i.e. NO privacy, NO sleepovers, not even the door closed while in my room) Which is understandable, except for the fact that all my female friends are straight(except for 2, but they are a couple. plus I'm not close enough to them to have them over), so why would there be any concern that I would do I don't even know what with them? So I lied and told my dad that I didn't even think I was bisexual anymore. I am not sure whether he told my mother this. But my parents do not care that I am bisexual. As for the thing I said about my alleged best friend, sorry that was not clear, that is what she said. Basically she was alluding to ask either whether my parents presently went through phases where they were attracted to members of the same sex, or she was perhaps asking if this occurred in the past. Basically she was suggesting that this is just a phase. This really upsets me. She is very religious and I think that, although she would deny it if I asked her, she believes that homosexuality is wrong. Her mother is very over protective of her, she is very conservative I suppose would be the right word. When I told her she acted differently. Our friendship has been dwindling for a while though, so at school she acts no different, but we barely talk to each other. She has really soured the coming out experience for me.
Dude_who_writes
Member # 5640
posted 11-22-2009 10:36 PM
I think the answer to your general question, in regard to coming out more, is only something you and you alone can decide. Coming out is a deeply personal experience, and given that, I also believe deeply that it's something which a person can define limits and boundaries. While it would sometimes be easier if each of us was given our own personal isolation chamber, the fact is that none of us lives in a vacuum, and the often misinformed perceptions and beliefs of others are going to affect us directly in the process. So, I think that determining our comfort levels and how willing we are to put ourselves out there is a very important decision we must make. My own experience has been very similar to yours. Because of certain community and social factors that just aren't worth spelling out in great detail, I've lived almost ten years now with the closet door open. What that means is that my friends and family have been informed, and all are okay with the fact that there's a (pretty sizable) chance I'll end up spending my life with another guy. Acquaintances and other individuals I interact with only in a superficial or distant way, on the other hand, are often kept in the dark unless they've asked me directly. For me, that's worked pretty well, although there are drawbacks. For instance, I might be less inclined to offer a position or opinion I hold on a given topic in mixed company, if only because it would involve some questions, a long explanation, and perhaps even the use of visual aides and complicated charts. So, as you can imagine, it's a double-edged sword. But, it's what I've determined I'm comfortable with at this particular juncture of my life, so I make it work. All this personal exposition I offer is to back up my central point that it's a personal decision, one that you are going to have to weigh the pros and cons of and make a determination for yourself. If coming out more so than you already have is something that feels compelling or pressing, then you're just going to have divine for yourself how far and how fast you want to go. There really is, sadly, no road-map for this kind of thing. Coming out for a LGBTQ person is a difficult and personal thing. I wish it was easier, kiddo, I really do, but it ain't. The best advice I can offer is to sit down and really think about your wants and needs, weigh the pros and cons, and then go with what you decide. [ 11-22-2009, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: Dude_who_writes ]
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 11-23-2009 02:25 PM
I told someone else. This guy I almost dated lives about 5 or 6 houses away so we frequently walk home together. Well today was one of those times, so he was bugging me about who I liked, and I just said you'll never guess cause it's a girl. So now I'm talking to him on MSN and he's totally being cool about it. I mean he's an over confidant jerk sometimes, but still I'm out more! And I am fairly confident that with this it will manage to get it's way somewhat around school, which is why I told him. Not to mention it got annoying when he would ask which boys I thought were hot. Uh oh, now he is guessing that I like the girl I like. AHHHHHH!!!!!! Edited to add: I told him I like her, actually I'm glad I did. I think this will allow me to be a little more comfortable with being out as he is the only one who I am not extremely close to who I've told. [ 11-23-2009, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 11-24-2009 06:21 AM
Oh and Dude_who_writes, thanks. I think ultimately you are right that I am the only one who can decide about my coming out. I feel so much better with the few people that know I like and how free I feel to not need to hide any part of myself. I think coming out, in the very least committed sense of the word is what I will do; at least until I am more comfortable with my sexuality. (And have figured out if I am a lesbian, or bisexual; although just saying I like girls works) Thank you all who have helped me with this, I appreciate the help.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 11-26-2009 02:38 PM
So bit by bit I'm coming out more, I told one more person today. I told the girl I like, (she is first and foremost my friend), she was surprised, but totally accepting. [ 11-26-2009, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]