T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 93241
posted 11-04-2013 07:52 PM
So there's this girl I talk to online, and she is PERFECT.
She's super cute (she sent me her picture - I think she's seen mine as well). She's been so kind of me, even though I fell out with the mods of the RP group that I met her through (the mods being good friends of hers). She listens, and she understands. I've literally stayed up until 5am talking to her (and she cares so much that she will request that I go to sleep if it's too late). We have all the same interests, and can talk for hours about comics. She's okay with me being genderqueer, and because she's pansexual herself, is okay with me being bi. On top of that, she uses an awful lot of pet names and the like. After a few weeks of talking, she started using "ilu", when I'm sad she indicates that she'd want to hug me and stroke my hair, and at the point we're at, she explicitly says "I love you." I say it back, because it's definitely true in a platonic sense, but I'm really unsure of what way she means it? Because I'm getting a bit of a crush on her, and we're basically flirting all the time and I don't know whether I should ask her about it? And if I do ask her about it, and she reveals that she feels the same as I do about it...well, what then? I'm in the UK, and she's in New York. There's no way we could meet up in person, unless we win loads of money or something. And meeting up in person isn't the be-all, end-all...but I'm poly, and if we did have a relationship, I'd want to keep the option open to date other people. She's already told me her views on polyamory, and while they're generally positive, she said she couldn't be in a poly relationship unless she had mutual feelings for the third person involved (so it's a neat triangle where everyone's in love and nothing hurts), which I doubt could happen. I know I'm really thinking ahead with that last one, but I'm really at a loss of what to do here. I want to ask her what she means when she says "I love you," but I don't want to make her feel bad for saying it? And if I do ask, then isn't she likely to then wonder why I say it back? I don't know. I don't want to mess this up.
Member # 93241
posted 11-04-2013 07:59 PM
Also, as something she says when I'm sad or when she's affection/happy with me is *kisses*. And apparently I'm adorable as hell. And yeah, lots of flirting, but I still don't get if it's just platonic or what.
Member # 108189
posted 11-04-2013 09:32 PM
I'm glad to hear you've found someone who sounds kind and accepting of your identities.
I'd say asking her about her feelings towards you (and mentioning your feelings towards her)is a good first step. I'd just be honest and say that you're getting flirty, crush vibes from your interactions with her, and you're wondering if it's platonic or not. If it turns out to be platonic, you can decide how to proceed from there (do you want a few days of scaled back communication to recalibrate? Or do you feel comfortable continuing to communicate in a flirty way even though the flirting won't result in a relationship?). It sounds like you have a strong enough friendship that a moment or two of awkwardness won't end it. If it turns out that the crushing is mutual and you decide to give a relationship a go, I'd say be very open about any expectations or needs you have regarding the relationship. Beyond that, I'd say the best approach is to take things one week at a time. As far as your worries about how being poly might affect the relationship, that's something to bring up if you and she decide to pursue a relationship, and I'd explain them in much the same way you explained them to me here.
Member # 101745
posted 11-05-2013 05:08 PM
It's possible that talking directly about the flirty vibes you're getting could lead to awkwardness, but honestly it sounds like you're feeling a little awkward or unsure about things already; in my mind it's better to have things be a little awkward but well-defined than to be unsure about where someone else stands.
I can certainly understand not wanting to mess up or disturb something that's going really well, but I think any sort of strong friendship can weather a more serious conversation about feelings like this. It's scary to put yourself out there, but it sounds like this might be a good opportunity for both of you to be clearer with each other about how you're feeling. In terms of potential relationship dynamics, I do think that's the sort of thing you can only figure out by talking with her further. There might be something that's a little different from both "we are platonic friends" and "we are in a long-distance relationship" where you can acknowledge mutual feelings but not have a standing capital-R Relationship.
Member # 93241
posted 11-06-2013 11:11 PM
I asked her about it - apparently, it's something she does with all her online friends who she's close to, since she can't actually be physically affectionate. It's a platonic thing, and I'm cool with that.
I wonder what it says about me that I read it differently, and that I'm absolutely unused to people meaning those things in a platonic way? Like, there are a lot of friends where I wouldn't be okay with them talking to me in that way (also, I just can't imagine any of them being that affectionate in general), but I find it odd that she's the only person I have that kind of friendship with? Because as far as friendships go, one where I could cuddle and possibly kiss someone and be all cutesy is kind of my ideal.
Member # 107716
posted 11-07-2013 12:22 AM
Hi Derpy Hooves!
You know, I don't think that reading your friend differently says anything about yourself but that you are a different person. That's okay. We are all different people, and we all have different ways to express our affection to others. Some people like to hug a lot, others don't even like to shake hands. Chances are that the way this friend likes to talk and express their care, is what makes her special to you. I'm glad to hear that you are cool with this relationship being platonic, and good for you for asking her. Now you can know that this is a friend with who you can talk even if you feel awkward at first, and in my book, that's a keeper. [ 11-07-2013, 12:24 AM: Message edited by: Edith_* ]
Burdened with glorious booty
Member # 93241
posted 11-26-2013 06:49 PM
(I changed my name on here to something a little nicer - I realised that "derpy" isn't a good word for a lot of people, so yeah)
I kind of confessed to her that I like her? And her response was that she thinks I'm cute and that we should "see how it goes"? ???? It'd be way top presumptuous to say that she likes me back, definitely, and I don't think she does (if she did, I figured she would have said so then?). But she's okay with me liking her in that way, and the way she put it made it sound like she was considering it? I mean, we're just talking now as friends, and that's cool. But I might be video calling her soon, and that's a huge thing for me, like whoa is that major (I'm terrible with phone and face to face conversations, hopefully this doesn't bomb too hard). I'm just. Happily nervous about all of this? And I'd be much happier with it if I knew I could trust my own feelings. I'm terrible at analysing myself and coming to a solid conclusion on anything - all I really know for definite is that I like her a hell of a lot.
Member # 108189
posted 11-26-2013 07:11 PM
I'm glad to hear the talk went well and that she was kind and receptive. This is just my two cents, but to me, "see how it goes" sounds like she is interested in getting to know you more and maybe in a more romantic way. So, I think the best course forward is to let your feelings come as they come. When you say you don't trust them, do you mean you have difficulty figuring out what name or meaning to give them? Also, happily nervous is a totally OK way to feel when you move to a new step in a relationship with someone
Member # 101745
posted 11-26-2013 07:15 PM
This sounds like good news, even if it complicates things a bit. =)
You've already checked in with this friend to see what was going on with comments she was making, and it sounds like this is someone who's ok with you asking that sort of question if you aren't certain where things stand. So it seems like this is a pretty safe environment to open up a bit and, as she said, see how it goes. I think it can be really easy to dwell on tiny details and overanalyze things; certainly I have that problem at times, especially in long-distance relationships (or complicated long-distance somethings). But I think it's ok to not be 100% sure of something, whether that's your own feelings or the status of a possibly-fluid relationship. So I hope you can be kind & gentle with yourself in those moments when you're doubting your feelings.