T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95707
posted 06-10-2013 10:24 PM
My girlfriend of 4 years..whom I have spoken of before here on the boards, recently told me she was a lesbian.. And I can't say I support her in this or that I agree with her "discovery" because it sounds more like an excuse to me.. Here's how it happened: My school has been really picking up recently, and by that I mean it's been snowball-ing. I still made time for her, but she got annoyed that I spent so much of my time talking about school and she felt it was making me too jaded and she didn't like it. She said she felt like she was a lower priority and school was more important. At the same time, she joined her school's all-girls rugby team. To put this into perspective, her school's team in our area is famously mostly lesbians and tomboys. She said they spank her when she makes good plays and they hang out a lot, stuff like that. And to top that off, her best friend in this new school is a lesbian, who was thinking of cheating to be with her. Eventually, after confiding with my gf, she broke it off with her own gf and I think there were sparks there. Then one day, she jokingly said she was starting to like girls. I didn't pay much attention to it because she was laughing so much and it really seemed like a joke. Then a few days later, she said she thinks we should take a break and it was purely temporary so she can find herself, and she intends for us to get back together shortly. For the few days after that, she ignored me almost completely and I found out she was already dating a different girl in her school, and was even thinking of bringing her back to be intimate at her place. She said she feels comfortable around them and she's definitely gay. And now here's where it really confuses me...for the past 4 years, she's been a commitment junkie. I mean, she's proposed to me. She's brought me shopping almost every week for furniture for our "future house". She's named our kids, and once when I got a peek at her diary, she had a whole list of things she wanted to buy for herself for our wedding. She used to be really upset and afraid that i'd leave her for someone else, and she would even secretly check all my phone messages to make sure. Just yesterday and this morning, she says she misses me and she feels empty, verging on suicide and depression. She said she feels like she's made huge mistakes and she is "happily gay", but she misses how it felt being in a straight relationship with me. She said her friend told her I was out with a girl (my ex/best friend, whom she hates), and it really upset her. I told her I think honest to God, I believe this is a phase and if she were truly a lesbian, a span of 2 weeks in that "perfect storm" setting isn't the right frame to discover it.. Honestly, I have always openly accepted the LGBT community and nothing has stood in the way of that. But for her to go through all this, and to "discover" she is a lesbian, in that setting, and then get into a relationship 2 days after breaking up with me?.. Not to mention, she ended THAT relationship within a week! And then now she's depressed, empty, not eating/sleeping properly or even "not giving a sh*t about how I look"? I'd really like your input on this.. Essentially she cheated on me (she never broke up with me, just took a "timeout"). I feel like I can't look past that and i've been checking out other girls and thinking of getting back out there..my friends think she was all wrong for me too. Yet..I miss her in a lot of ways and I feel like..if I could get her to fess up and see that she could just be really confused, I might get back with her. But after all the hell she's put me through these past few weeks?..I'm really confused too. Please please help me..I don't know what to do at all. At time she seemed to not care about my feelings on this at all, then she revealed she was actually so confused and suicidal she didn't eat for 2 days. (she's capable of that) I don't know if I should blow it up and just hug her till she gives this up or...I don't know. Thanks so much in advance :'S
Member # 101745
posted 06-11-2013 12:29 AM
You know, sometimes when people are sorting out their identity (in all sorts of ways, not just in terms of sexual orientation), a lot of that processing is done very privately and internally. So it may look to you that she suddenly became a lesbian over the course of just a few weeks, but it's possible that this is something she's been quietly thinking about for a long time.
I would really strongly encourage you not to try to convince her that she's confused about being a lesbian, or that she's using it as an excuse for something else. Even if her actions are confusing and hurtful to you right now, which I can understand, I don't think it's your place (or anyone's, I'm not picking on you here) to make any sort of pronouncement or judgment as to how real someone else's orientation is. From what you've said here and from some of your previous posts, it sounds like no matter what your feelings were for each other at the start of the relationship, things haven't been great between the two of you for a while. It's very possible to deeply care for someone while realizing that a romantic or sexual relationship isn't the right thing at the moment. I hear you saying you do kind of want to get back together with her, but it sounds like there's a lot you'd have to talk about before that were to happen. For now, though, she probably has a lot to sort through on her own. She said she needed some space to figure things out, and from what you have said here that seems quite possible, but it seems like what you're describing is less about the sort of people she might be attracted to and more about her general mental health and well-being. You can certainly let her know that you're happy to be there to talk with her and offer support when and if she needs it from you, but maybe it's a good idea, for the moment, to give her that space.
Member # 95707
posted 06-11-2013 01:04 AM
Hey Molias, thanks for replying.
Yes I can understand all of that but it's weirding me out because she's set her own pace for this.. As in, she pushed her commitment on to me, and she asked for the break, then now she's messaging me that she's depressed and suicidal but...she doesn't want me to get involved. She just wants me to know that this breakup was a "mistake" and it's hurting her really bad. This breakup...which she initiated..it's so maddening. I have no clue and as for her sexuality, she told me the other night that she felt full of regret about the breakup and felt she had made a huge mistake. I asked if she wanted us to reconcile, and she said she didn't know. The very next morning, she was happily a lesbian again. Then a few days later, she tells me she misses being in a straight relationship.. I've been trying really hard to process all of this, Molias..and to move on. I've gone out with my friends, tried flirting a little with some girls at my school, just to slowly get back into dating. Then at the last minute, she tells me how crappy she's feeling!.. She said she was going to the carnival the other day, but she felt very lonely and isolated about it- despite the fact that she's dating a girl already. She started dating this girl before she even broke up with me..and I find that to be hugely sick because she's had almost no regard for my feelings about this. Now I'm stuck. I want to just break it off clean with her, but how can I if she's suicidally depressed and I'm the only one she can talk to?
Member # 3
posted 06-11-2013 10:08 AM
But you're not the only person in her life she can talk to.
And if she;'s suicidally depressed, i KNOW you're not a qualified counselor or therapist, and even if you were, you'd ethically have to excuse yourself and refer her to someone else, given your relationship. So, you're not her caretaker or counselor. Nor her parent. Really, if what you want here is a breakup and also don't want contact, you're not stuck: that's a choice you get to make, just like that's a choice she gets to make.
Member # 95707
posted 06-12-2013 08:11 AM
Ok, Heather, you're right.
I'm NOT a qualified mental health professional, I get it. PLEASE stop judging me.. It has never been my arrogant intention to pretend to be a professional psychiatrist at all. This breakup has torn through me, and all I really wanted was some closure and solace SOMEWHERE, from ANYONE. I'm so so confused, can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong?? Is the fact that she's cheating on me with a girl supposed to make this any less hurtful? Am I supposed to give up all my humanity and just tell her to never speak to me again, simply for my own closure?.. Please stop judging me, everyone...I've had enough of that from my church and friends the past few weeks... [ 06-12-2013, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: FrankieFrog ]
Member # 3
posted 06-12-2013 09:32 AM
I'm sorry you felt I was judging you, it honestly wasn't my intention at all, nor what I felt I was doing.
Rather, my intent was to lobby for your own self-care, and for putting what you need first here. You'd said what you want is to break up with her, a clean break, but that the barrier to that was that she's apparently suicidal and only has you to talk to. I countered that to advocate for you having that breakup you are saying you want. By all means, the gender of who she's dating is a nonissue when it comes to any of this being less hurtful for you. It sounds to me like she's handled all of this pretty badly, and it sounds very painful. I also don't think, if having no contact with her is what you want, that's giving up your humanity. You get to have that if that's what you decide you want and need.
Member # 95707
posted 06-13-2013 05:27 AM
Thank you very much for your reply but i'm sorry I can't address the whole thing with this.. She just called me from what I think is her girlfriend's house and said our past 4 years were for fun because she has now found her "true self" and to consider it officially over and delete her number.... I'm so so sorry for snapping at you before.. .....i'm at such a loss right now...do you guys have an international hotline by any chance?.... [ 06-13-2013, 06:01 AM: Message edited by: FrankieFrog ]
Member # 95707
posted 06-13-2013 06:26 AM
It's alright I won't be calling a hotline tonight... I called my school counselor and she talked to me for awhile and scheduled me in for tomorrow morning..
Member # 3
posted 06-13-2013 10:41 AM
Breakups can hurt like hell, I know. And in the time you've been posting here, it's sounded like this relationship has been pretty rough all along.
People lash out, and are raw enough that good intentions can be read poorly. I understand. Personally? I'm willing to bet the counselor said the same, but I'd suggest you really do cut off contact with this girl entirely, and go ahead and delete her number, etc. It really sounds like she's treating you pretty horribly with this breakup, and also like despite being the one to do the breaking up, she's not actually walking away and leaving you be. I get the clear sense continued contact with her is only likely to bring you more pain.