T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 101944
posted 01-18-2013 07:44 PM
There is a girl, who I really like. I know she likes me too, as she's said as much, but I don't know if she means as friends, or more. I *think* I've been pretty obvious about my feelings for her. I asked her if she was seeing anybody, and she said she was kind of seeing some people recently, but not right now.
I kind of feel like the ball's in her court now. I don't want to pressure her into anything, or get involved in potential drama. Like I said, I *think* she knows I like her. But, then again, I don't *know* she knows, and I'm generally oblivious about people's feelings for me, and have accidentally dated people before. She continues to initiate contact, and I don't know if she's trying to say she wants to be friends and that's it, or if she's interested in dating me and shy about responding directly and waiting for me to take more of a lead. She's flirty, I think, but I don't know for sure how she is with other people, and she strikes me as somebody who could just be a flirty person. Ideally I'd like to keep her as a friend no matter what happens, though I also know I'm just pretending when I tell myself the thought of her doesn't make me smile, and my stomach jump, and if she were to start dating somebody else, I probably would find it hard to be around her/them. I also know that while I definitely have a crush on her, I don't know for sure I actually want to be in a relationship with her. But I'd like to keep on getting to know her better. I also wonder if maybe she's poly (the seeing a few people comment) and I'm only interested in monogamy for myself, but it's kind of a personal question I think, to just ask "are you poly?", especially without explaining why I even care. How do I figure out what to do?
Member # 20094
posted 01-18-2013 08:32 PM
Have you actually asked her how she feels about you? Really, that's the only way to know for sure how someone else is feeling - we have to ask, and it can be difficult and kind of awkward, but trying to interpret what she says or does will only get you so far.
How about asking her if she wants to get coffee sometime, or go see a movie, or something else low-key? One date doesn't mean you have to commit to a relationship, just that you'd like to get to know her better and see if you want to go on a second date. That's what dating is, really: a process of figuring out how compatible the two of you are, of getting to know each other, of seeing how you feel about one another. It could also be an opportunity to ask what kind of relationship model she may be interested in, but if you don't know for yourself whether you even want to be in a relationship right now, it may be jumping the gun a bit to talk about that. (Too, it may not be that she's poly. Dating someone isn't necessarily the same as being in a relationship with someone, although I think we may be using the term dating slightly differently, so she could have been dating a few different people recently without being in a relationship with any of them. But, as I said, if you're not sure you even want a relationship, her preferred relationship model may be a moot point.) So, how about asking her out, and seeing how that goes? Asking someone on a date isn't pressuring them, and she has the option of saying no if she's not interested. But there's no way to find out if you don't ask, you know?
Member # 101944
posted 01-19-2013 08:53 AM
You're right. The place where I'm stuck though is how do I know if it's a date? We have been spending time together one on one. But I do that with other people too.
Among my friends, the definition of dating seems to include at the very least kissing. I find her very attractive and very fun to be around. I do not want physical stuff yet. How does one ask somebody on a date, not to hang out as friends, and then how does one do that and convey a message of "I really like you, I'd really like to go on a date with you again, and I don't want to kiss you (yet) because of past sexual abuse but hey I don't really have tons of baggage...
Member # 90293
posted 01-19-2013 11:57 AM
If you want to convey the message of "I really like you and really want to date you", you could say it just exactly that way, adding that if she doesn't want to date, that's cool with you and you would enjoy still hanging out as friends.
It's a little scary (or a lot scary) to put yourself out there like that so clearly, but being clear like that avoids misunderstandings. IN many, if not most, cases, words are the clearest communication tools we have. Kissing isn't the only way to show physical affection and interest. To name a few, there's smiling at someone, making frequent eye contact with them, holding hands, sitting close together and so many other things. I am sort of getting the sense that you are concerned that there's something abnormal about you that you're not wanting to kiss or otherwise be sexual with someone on a casual basis like this. If that's how you're feeling, please know that there's nothing wrong or abnormal about you. How does communicating your interest in dating sound to you?