T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 94265
posted 01-31-2012 02:12 PM
Hey guys I'm new and really need an answer to a serious question. Tried looking for other topics on this subject but I can't seem to figure out the boards. I'm sure it's a pretty common though.
I'm 19 and currently in a non-sexual relationship with a 16 yr old guy. The other day, before he left my house my boyfriend told me he thinks he's "ready" and wants to have sex with me. I've been in many sexual relationships (with people my own age) and I didn't mind the not having sex part of this one. I never pressured him and always maintained that I'd wait till he was ready and legal. (Age of consent for a guy in Ireland being 17) I didn't know what to say except that he had to be sure as it was big thing to give away. We have decided to talk about it this firday when he comes over again, but I'm not sure where to go with this. I want to do it, but I'm afraid of the legal implications of it (especially if we ever break up I won't have a leg to stand on) and I'm afraid he's rushing into it and might regret it. What advice can you give me? I really need answers as I'm soo confused at the moment. I know I should probably just say no and tell him to wait but he obviously trusts me and has taken the time to know he wants me to be the one to take it. I'm just afraid that I'll send out the wrong signals by refusing or that he'll run off a do it with someone fleetingly that doesn't care about him. Should it be a negotiated thing or a outright just wiat till its legal thing? Help!!!!
Member # 3
posted 01-31-2012 02:18 PM
From a legal angle alone, I'd say ideally you don't want to be sexual with him until he reaches the age of consent, whether or not you support those laws. I'd say that matters anywhere, but is an even bigger concern in a country not exactly known for its awesome support of GLBT people. I also think there's always a conversation to be had about the idea of virginity as something to "take," and we can talk about that if you like. And I certainly don't think it's sound to make this decision with the idea that you having sex with him is somehow about preventing him from having sex with someone you think might be less awesome than you, you know? That's an idea that's really not about a partnership of equals, but sounds a lot more like trying to parent someone whose parent you aren't. And given the age difference, I think that's something to pay extra attention to. How long have you two been seeing each other for? What's your relationship like on the whole? Do your friends and families know about it and feel it's a healthy relationship? Do they support it becoming a sexual one if it hasn't already? As well, just so we know the deal here, what do YOU want? You say you didn't mind this not being sexual. Do you want it to become so now yourself? If you've always said you wanted to hold off until he was 17, what do you feel has you wavering from that now? You also say you feel he's rushing in. As the older person -- and one with a very different legal status, to boot -- you can certainly be in a better position to see that, and also obviously need an awareness about what your age difference means. But I'm curious about why it sounds like you have those strong feelings but might not be trusting them? [ 01-31-2012, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 94265
posted 01-31-2012 02:47 PM
Cheers Heather for getting back to me. I apologise if my initial comment came out wrong. I'm just not great with wording these things.
I didn't mean for someones virginity to come across as something to "take" even though I worded it that way. I meant that losing your virginity can be a big deal for some people or at least it was for me. "the idea that you having sex with him is somehow about preventing him from having sex with someone you think might be less awesome than you, you know?" I guess what I meant is that I don't want to be dumped or for him to lose interest in me because I said no. Or for him to think that I'm not attracted to him. I do think you may have a point with the parenting thing and something that never stopped to realise. It's not my intention to parent him or for us to have a one sided relationship. I want us both very much so to have an equal share in the relationship. I mean we talk and are pretty up front with eachother. So I do try to avoid parenting him, but if you have any more advice on how I can avoid it, I'd really appreciate it. As for the relationship itself. We've been dating 9 months and boyfriends for 3. Our relationship seems pretty stable to the point where we're open and honest with eachother. Our friends and families know and seem happy enough with us being together. As for if they support it becoming sexual, we haven't discussed it if I'm honest. I reckon my mum would flip out though. I do I want? I want him to be happy. In terms of us being sexual, I'm in no rush. I'm pretty comfortable where we are now. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it.I guess the fear of it all just scares me to the point where I'm not sure if I could bring myself to it. Scared of the emotional implications more so than anything.
Member # 3
posted 01-31-2012 03:01 PM
You know, just you saying you feel scared -- even if there were not sound reasons to feel afraid! -- all by itself tells me that whatever might be right for him right now, sex with him isn't right for YOU.
And while I think that in age-disparate relationships, the older person has to be very aware of their privilege, that doesn't make that person a non-issue in these decisions. I'm happy to keep talking about the finer points of this (including take/lose with sex, like I said, not a great framework, IMO, since healthy, consensual sex that's good for everyone is about sharing and making something, not about taking or losing), but I think that it's already clear that you don't feel like engaging in sex together is right for you right now, and that means a "yes" to this would probably not be a sound answer for either of you. Know what I mean?