T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 59535
posted 03-20-2011 03:53 AM
I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 16, a few months younger. We've been together for almost 6 months but we only see eachother about once a week because we're both very dedicated to our studies. For that reason, the relationship isn't very intense or involved although i admit that i would like something more. He told me about a month ago that there is something he might tell me some day which explains why he isn't very affectionate towards me. We kiss and we hold hands but i just want to touch him all the time and i want him to hold me but i know that kind of thing makes him feel uncomfortable. i wondered if it's a psychological thing but apparently not.
Tonight we were out with friends having a few drinks. About half way through the evening my boyfriend was quite tipsy and he said to me he wanted to tell me "the thing" so we went somewhere quieter. He was clearly embarrassed but he told me "I'm bi". I don't remember much of the conversation because I was a bit overwhelmed. He was a state later on in the evening because he'd deliberately got himself drunk so he would have the courage to tell me. I have wondered about his sexuality before so it wasn't a total shock (it certainly explains a lot) and i have no problem with bi's, gays or lesbians for that matter. I'm not even 100% certain about my own sexuality. I have to say he seems to be certain that he is definitely bi. My first reaction was "how can you be sure?" and "are you sure you're not actually gay?" and "i've got the impression bisexuality is usually a tempory thing". But he assured me "it's not just a phase". Before writing this i googled bisexuality and apparently those were entirely the wrong things to say but i think understandable i would feel less worried if he had ever told me how he feels about me, but he hasn't, which has made me feel very insecure at times but now this feeling is worse. He says he is more physically attracted to guys but more emotionally attracted to girls. He said he can't see himself in a long term relationship with a guy because he finds a guy's personality a turn off. I'm worried he's not physically attracted to me. He said "isn't the emotional attraction more important?" but i think the two are equal. He also said when he was drunk at a party last month a boy almost kissed him. He says at the time he was attracted to him but isn't anymore. He said he felt like he wanted to kiss him at the time but didn't because of me and he would never cheat on me. He emphasised that a lot and made sure i knew that. What seems to be the major problem for him is coming to terms with the fact he is bisexual. He seemed as if he is ashamed. He has told a select few of his friends but his family don't know because he is afraid to tell them as he says they can be homophobic. He talked about it as if it makes him weird or abnormal and seems very worried about what people would think if they knew. I told him i want to talk about it when he's sober. but i don't know exactly what to say. i want him to know i appreciate his honesty and that it was brave to tell me. i want him to know i don't judge him for it. i want to know how he feels about me. i want to know if he's certain that he is bisexual, but i'm not sure if this is a fair question. i don't want him to feel under pressure to define his sexuality just because of our relationship. he has to put his emotional wellbeing before me - i'll still be here when he's had time to think about it alone if that's what he thinks he needs to do. i want him to know he has nothing to be ashamed of and this is about him being comfortable in his own skin and not about what anyone else thinks. i want him to know i'm here for him. i want to help him. i want him to know my view of him hasn't changed but my understanding of him has improved. i want him to finally give in and show me himself. i just want him! but above all i want to know that he wants me. I promised him i wouldn't tell anyone but i deal with things through talking. I let things out instead of bottling them up like he does. Because i can't tell anyone none of my friends can help me. We have a mutual friend who he told last year so i can talk about it with him but we don't see each other often. I burst into tears when i got home so i had to tell my parents. they think "he must actually be gay" and "well it's probably all over isn't it" and "it's ok you'll find another nice boy". but i don't want anyone else! i will tell them what i found out when i researched bisexuality and i know they will support me whatever i do but they will always have those thoughts deep down. so all in all i feel very alone right now. it feels good to get it all out though. any thoughts would be appreciated
Member # 3
posted 03-20-2011 10:03 AM
It sounds like you've done some smart things here. Yes, you did voice some things that were incorrect and uneducated to him, but you've since gotten yourself some accurate information and understand what you said wasn't sound. You've also asked to have another talk sober, and when you have that, you can apologize for the things you did say, which should help.
No one can really know with absolute certainly what their orientation is going to be for their whole life: he can't know, and neither can you. But I think he's been very clear with you that he knows what his is now: he has told you he's bisexual, and he has told you he feels attracted to men and to women. So, given that's very clear, I think you need to accept it and know that yes, he knows he is bisexual. I think you can also be very sure he has thought about it alone: before people identify to others like this, they usually have, often for a very long time, since coming out to people can be really scary. I do think you will need to also be honest with him that you promised you wouldn't tell anyone but did disclose to your parents. Ideally, in the future, when someone comes out and asks that of you, you either don't want to make that promise if you can't keep it, or you want to ask them ahead of time if you can disclose to whoever you want to, okay? When you're able to talk again, do you feel like you know what you want to talk about?
Member # 59535
posted 03-20-2011 03:17 PM
Thank you so much for your reply. I will tell him i told my parents and i did mention i would probably need to tell them - he knows i tell them everything. I don't think telling him their opinions is helpful to anyone though. The point they are making is that my boyfriend was not affectionate beforehand and this upset me, so now that i know it is because it's not so much about physical attraction for him with girls and that he will never show me the affection i need, i should break up with him and move on.
i now appreciate that he is certain he is bisexual but also i have no right to question it anyway. he can define himself however he likes. the strangest thing is that i've always felt there has been some kind of barrier between us which has prevented me falling in love with him. i feel like i've done the falling part but not the in love part like falling off a cliff but being suspended in some kind of limbo just before hitting the water. now he's told me, and it explains so much, it's like the barrier's gone and i think if our relationship survives the revelation it will be so much stronger. when i see him on tuesday the main thing i want to find out is his feelings for me. if he can reassure me that i am the one for him right now and that he is both emotionally and physically attracted to me then we can move forward from this. if he can't then we shouldn't be in a relationship regardless of anyone's sexuality.
Member # 3
posted 03-20-2011 03:28 PM
quote: when i see him on tuesday the main thing i want to find out is his feelings for me. if he can reassure me that i am the one for him right now and that he is both emotionally and physically attracted to me then we can move forward from this. if he can't then we shouldn't be in a relationship regardless of anyone's sexuality. Perfect! I agree with you: this is all absolutely important, and would be no matter who you were dating and no matter what that person's orientation was.
(And yes, I agree. You parents seemed to be voicing their own ignorance about bisexuality, and it's not helpful to share.) You might also want to recognize that his not being as affectionate with you as you'd like may or may not have anything to do with his sexual feelings about women. Not everyone has the same pace, expresses affection in the same ways, or needs the same things to be comfortable with that. That said, if you know you want a very physically affectionate relationship with him, but that's not what he wants, like you already said well, whatever the reason is you both don't want that, that's not likely going to work. [ 03-20-2011, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]