T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 28780
posted 04-02-2009 09:45 PM
I have some stuff going on, and I've been swirling it around in my head for like the last three weeks and I need some outside opinions becuase I'm getting frustrated.
Short version of my problem? I'm unhappy with my girlfriend. We've been going out for two months, and for about half that time, I feel like the sex, saying "I love you", any physical-ness, or even wanting to spend time with her has been forced. I feel like something is amiss and I can't figure it out. I don't know if that new relationship energy just wore off really quick, if I've been stressed and that's influencing things, or what. I just don't feel like I have romantic/loving feelings for her anymore, and I feel like I need to fill her in on the doubts I'm having because it's not fair to her to be left in the dark. How do I tell her this? I feel so bad, ughhh However, there's another wrench being thrown into the mix...I'm having crushes on guys. I guess I'll never really have my sexuality figured out. The thing is, in the last two relationships I've been in with guys I was totally miserable. I didn't feel free to be my sometimes "butch-y" self, I felt like they were always putting me in this little box that I really didn't fit into. Everything in the relationship felt weird to me, emotionally, physically, mentally, intellectually, etc. I just feel like I'm never going to be content with someone. When I was with guys, I wanted to be with girls. When I was with girls, I wanted to be with guys, but I don't know how that dynamic would work. I think if I was ever with a guy again there would have to be a serious mash-up and destruction of traditional gender roles or I'd just go crazy. Okay, so I know this is long, but could I maybe get some help in decoding these doubts I'm having with my girlfriend and maybe some clues as to what's going on with my sexuality
Member # 40774
posted 04-02-2009 11:55 PM
My outside opinion is that this actually sounds pretty healthy. I think that your not connecting with your girlfriend doesn't really say anything about your sexuality, just that you two maybe aren't a match. And, I get the impression that the guys you dated just weren't good matches either. It sounds like you need a relationship with someone who you really connect with, can be yourself around and interact with in a way that feels good. Maybe the sex of that partner isn't a primary thing?
The way you described the kind of relationship you'd want with a guy sounds completely reasonable and awesome. (I'm in a sort of similar situation--I've ID'd mostly as a lesbian, but have been having some interest in men--and the way you described how you don't want to feel in relationship with men again was helpful for me to read.) With telling your girlfriend, that can be hard (did you see this thread?), but honesty just tends to feel a ton better. Two months isn't that long to be dating, so it seems to me that you had a tryout period, and it's not working. Talking about how you're feeling with her might further clarify that the tryout period is over for you and you're ready to move on, or it might create some new intimacy. I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated
Member # 28780
posted 04-03-2009 12:33 PM
Thank you so much for your reply, bluejumprope. As time goes on, I'm definately starting to see that my girlfriend and I aren't a good match. There is also an age difference (she's 18, I'm 22), and although in the beginning I tried to overlook it, I'm really starting to feel that gap now. She has acted immaturely in a few instances that made me feel pretty badly. For example, the first time we had sex I did something that I felt embarrassed about. She has teased me about it ever since, which makes it hard for me to feel comfortable being physical with her. And then in our positions in life in general are made up of different attitudes and mindsets and I think the age difference plays into that a lot.
I think I would enjoy having her as a friend much more, but I can't control how SHE feels about that. If she still wants to be friends she may just need time first. And the thing with guys is just baffling. I'm glad we kinda hit some common thoughts with the whole thing, bluejumprope. It's just hard, because the guys I've been with (which I'm now seeing were really poor matches) have tried to make me into this really stereotypical feminine type person which I'm just *not*. I have a mohawk, I wear combat boots, I'm loud, I have tattoos and piercings. I'm not some damsel in distress to be protected or taken care of. I don't know if maybe dating a more femme-identified man would be closer to what I want; it's just hard to tell. A term I heard from Heather awhile back is "bi-dyke," which I'm feeling applies to me more and more. I enjoy being with women, but I also think I would like being with a more feminine man if he still let me be my feminist, punk, dyke-y self. Now just comes the question of actually ending the romantic involvement with my girlfriend, which is extremely daunting and scary for me. Whenever I've ended past relationships the person ended up verbally and emotionally attacking me and I walked away from it with my self-esteem completely shattered. And with the tough last year I've had, another attack on my fragile grip on things is NOT what I need.
Member # 40774
posted 04-03-2009 04:01 PM
Yeah, that teasing and stuff sounds very not cool. quote: Now just comes the question of actually ending the romantic involvement with my girlfriend, which is extremely daunting and scary for me. Whenever I've ended past relationships the person ended up verbally and emotionally attacking me and I walked away from it with my self-esteem completely shattered. And with the tough last year I've had, another attack on my fragile grip on things is NOT what I need. I think one big thing to remember is that you have every right to end a relationship. People get to make choices about who they have relationships with. If someone freaks out about that and responds in abusive ways, well, that's abusive, and genuinely does NOT have to do with you.
In a healthy relationship, people can share their feelings about what's not working, or their desire to end the relationship (or the romantic involvement), and have that be respected. Sure, the other person might be disappointed, it might bring up big challenging feelings for them, BUT they should still be able to relate in emotionally healthy ways. If someone "verbally and emotionally attacks" you, I can guarantee that it doesn't have to do with you (and you can be extra confident that you're making the right decision in leaving). On the guy front: I don't know if it goes without saying, but I don't think a guy being more femme means he'll be more pro-feminist or dykeyness-honoring than anyone else...but maybe you were just saying that was the kind of guy you're more drawn to. I started a thread on my similar issues a while ago, and Joey gave a response you might find useful too. (PS: Do you mind if I move this thread to GLBT Relationships?) [ 04-03-2009, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: bluejumprope ]
Member # 28780
posted 04-03-2009 06:37 PM
Yeah, everything you said about having the "right" to end a relationship really rings true to me. I guess that just shows how abusive my past relationships have been.
(And yeah, I know not all femme guys are more "pro-feminist or dykeyness-honoring," I was only trying to work through the types of guys I feel I might be comfortable with. And I was writing that last reply while I was pretty emotionally upset so it was pretty rapid-fire typing.) I'll read that thread you linked to me, and feel free to move this thread to the GLBT relationships category.
Member # 40442
posted 04-05-2009 05:55 PM
I think that sometimes knowing that we have a right to end a relationship can feel really differently than feeling safe and open to take that step. Would it be helpful for you to talk more about what ending this relationship would look like, or what fears or concerns you have? If so, we could help talk through that and maybe that would be another source of support for you should you decide to end the relationship. We're here if you want to talk more about it....
Member # 28780
posted 04-07-2009 09:22 AM
Thanks for your reply, CJT. We actually worked it out though. We decided that our lack of physical intimacy and closeness was a result of the both of us being so stressed lately, as well as some issues I already have with sex and her teasing. I flat out told her that the teasing makes me really uncomfortable and self-conscious. She said that she was really sorry, that she never meant for it to be hurtful, and that she jokes when she's nervous. The way I can tell I'm in a healthy relationship? She didn't tell me I was crazy and too sensitive for saying that and I took that as a good sign.
It was one of the best "relationship talks" I'd ever had. We both felt so much better afterwards. We also talked about my attraction to men, and I found out that she feels the same way sometimes. She also told me she prefers to identify as queer instead of gay, because of that attraction. Anyway, so the relationship didn't end this time, and I really think my fear about potentially ending the relationship was stemming from the events that happened when I broke up with my ex-fiance and the heroin addict. Those two relationships were entirely toxic, and the break-up weren't much better.