T O P I C R E V I E W
BelleMorte
Member # 27890
posted 01-25-2007 05:05 PM
Okay, this is kind of... er... odd, I guess... I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking... I'll figure that out by the end I'm sure, but, here goes: I am extensively involved in my church, but am a lesbian (I'm not really "closeted" per se, some people know, I just don't go screaming it from the rooftops...). I am honestly surprised that my church friends haven't figured it out- I'm always arguing with them about the "wrongness" of homosexuality, among other very controversial, very fun topics... My youth pastor has known for about six months, we talked about it, and I showed him how I don't think that homosexuality is sinful, but he is of the "better be safe than sorry" schooling (i.e. don't do anything gay if you want to go to heaven), so he told me that I shouldn't act on it, and even if he didn't judge me, that a lot of other religious people would judge me... blah, blah, blah... But I digress, so continuing... I have this friend (let's call her Nicole), who I have known for three years (since I was a freshman, and she was in seventh grade, but that's irrelevant...). We are really great friends, always talking, and teasing each other, and we are even in competition over who is nerdier (I am, lol). The only problem is that I have the biggest crush on Nicole, and- to my knowledge- she is completely oblivious. It started small, and I tried to extinguish it before it got out of hand (since even if she were a lesbian, if anything happened we would probably be excommunicated, or something...), but... it got out of hand. Nicole always acts really... er... flirtatious with me, and one of my friends (who knows that I really like Nicole) corroborates that. I'm not really sure if it's just her being friendly, which I'm taking completely wrong, or her being flirtatious (though that's not what I'm intending to ask you all about because I know you all have no way of telling me either way...). One of our (male) friends from church has a crush on her, he asked her out, but she politely declined saying she wanted to "get to know him better." She knows him pretty well, and told me- not in so few words- that she didn't like him like that. We always talk about how boys are gross, and have cooties, and all that nonsense like we’re only five years old... She tells me a lot that she loves me (she does that with other friends, but not so often...) It's really confusing... We've talked about homosexuality, she says that she's fine with it, so it's not like she's one of those people who would hold a crucifix up to ward a gay person off... I guess my question (which really has almost nothing to do with all of my ranting...) is do you know of a subtle way to a) ask a friend if they are a lesbian, or b) hint that you have feelings for them. Were it not for the circumstances (i.e. both of us being good little church girls) I wouldn't be as worried about asking her/ others reactions if they found out. I'm really worried that I might ruin our friendship if I ask her directly, but I really want to know if she does have feelings because she does act like it sometimes... So, to sum up that rant, how is a nice way to subtly ask a Christian if they are gay, or how to subtly hint that I- a girl- really like her in a more than friends way? Thanks in advance for any help! <3 Belle Morte [ 01-25-2007, 06:00 PM: Message edited by: BelleMorte ]
lindsaymarie
Member # 32055
posted 01-25-2007 06:01 PM
So does this girl know you're lesbian? I think that would be the first step is to tell her if you haven't already. That way, if she has feelings for you, she could tell you without having to worry if you were gay or not. If you tell her and that doesn't happen(or if you've already told her), then we can start thinking of ways for you to tell her about your feelings. Does this make any sense? Sorry if it doesn't. -Lindsay
BelleMorte
Member # 27890
posted 01-25-2007 06:36 PM
Yeah, that makes sense... Thanks for responding... I haven't told her *yet*. I want to, but I'm just worried what will happen to our friendship because we're pretty close, and it might make it awkward if I tell her that I'm a lesbian, and like her... I am planning to sometime... I just don't really know how to broach the topic- I'm really good at writing, and speeches, but when I try to say something personal I always clam up, and my words slur, and get jummbled up into an unintelligeable mess... I might have her over this weekend to spend the night- would that be a good time to tell her (either that I'm a lesbian, or like her, or both...)? We don't go to the same schools, and the majority of the time we see each other is in church-related settings, so I usually feel like it's not the "right" place to tell her (it has something to do with all those nosy, gossipy church people, lol)... and I'm rambling again...
LucysDiamonds
Member # 30315
posted 01-25-2007 07:32 PM
Sure, this weekend would be good. But I'd recommend just telling her that you're lesbian first - if she's straight, then finding out that you're a lesbian AND that you like her could be kind of overwhelming. Plus, like lindsaymarie said, if she does like you, she can act on that without worrying over whether you even swing that way. As for how to tell her... maybe start with something like, "Hey, we're pretty close friends, and there's something I think you should know about me" and take it from there. Or since you're a good writer? Then write down what you want to say, and practice it in front of a mirror, so that when the time comes, you won't have to struggle to find words. Good luck!
BelleMorte
Member # 27890
posted 01-25-2007 08:16 PM
That sounds good, thanks... yeah, now that you say it, telling her I'm a lesbian and that I'm hopelessly in love with her (I may be exaggerating...) would be a little shocking, especially if she's straight... That's a good idea about writing it down and practising (I'll do that right now, in fact)... let's just hope I won't blank out, lol. I'll be sure to say how it goes... if it indeed goes at all *scolds herself for losing all confidence*
Surferchk07
Member # 32276
posted 01-25-2007 08:19 PM
I also aggree with the letting her know your a lesbian first. She probably already knows but just let her know that. And she will either stop flirting with you or continue and if she continues than I'd take that as hint shes either bi or a lesbian and is into you. Good luck with everything.
BelleMorte
Member # 27890
posted 01-26-2007 12:07 AM
Thanks for the advice, surferchk. I hope she already assumes that I am, that would make it *so* much easier! I've tried for the past few hours to figure out how to tell her, I've even sent an e-mail enlisting the help of one of my friends, but I've come up with nothing!- no that's a lie, I actually wrote something very pretty in Old English (you know, KJV Bible, Shakespeare, all that jazz...), but she can't really understand it (though she loves it when I read my KJV Bible to her), so it's basically nothing... I'll shut up now...
Surferchk07
Member # 32276
posted 01-26-2007 12:12 AM
haha its cute your all nervous. When I first met my girlfriend I wasnt sure if she was a lesbian or not so i wrote her a note on myspace finally and was like "so um i was just wondering if you were a lesbian or bi or anything...." all shy and everything. Ofcourse she said she was and now weve been dating for a month ;-) You just got to ask her she will be fine with it, shes your friend so she wont get uncomfortable if you tell her your gay or even ask her if she is. Dont worry about it just do it. It will be so worth it if she is just think about it!
BelleMorte
Member # 27890
posted 01-26-2007 12:30 AM
*blushes* I know if I never say anything to her I will regret it forever, but it's just so nerve-wracking! I know it won't be as bad as I'm picturing it (I'm having visions/nightmares of her going psycho, and trying to exorcise the gay out of me, which will never happen, but....), but it's still scary! That's really cool about your girlfriend (hope you have a long, great relationship!)! I hope it goes that well with me- or at least better than my visions, lol...
Surferchk07
Member # 32276
posted 01-26-2007 12:49 AM
haha dont worry your visions wont happen. Think about it best chance is she is gay and she likes you, yall get into a relationship. worse shes not gay and yall stay best friends. I doubt she would stop a friendship with you just cause your gay. so dont worry about it. Plus your in OR its a liberal state...
BelleMorte
Member # 27890
posted 01-26-2007 09:24 AM
OR may be a loberal state, but around my church there is a very concentrated Bible belt... I know she won't stop being friends with me, but- I don't know- I guess I just really can't stand it when people think your somehow different now because they know you're gay... I don't think- hope- that she'll react that way, but there's that minute possibility... let's hope the church hasn't brainwashed her, lol. (sorry if I'm being offensive, faith is important, but I just don't like it when people throw their faith willy nilly without question...)
Heather
Member # 3
posted 01-26-2007 10:28 AM
Just a quickie for you, Belle (crazy, busy day today, just flying through this morning).http://www.gaychurch.org/Find_a_Church/united_states/us_oregon.htm Not sure where you're at in OR, but here are some options for you per churches you may or may not know about for now or the future.
Surferchk07
Member # 32276
posted 01-26-2007 03:32 PM
Yeah totally understandable. That was my fear when I came out to my friends that they were going to treat me differently or something. So far I havnt had that issue. Now my mom on the other hand she hasnt been too pleased with all my changes im making in my life. But my friends have said "As long as your happy, Than Im happy" Let us know when you tell her and how it went. Im crossing my fingers for you.
lindsaymarie
Member # 32055
posted 01-26-2007 04:04 PM
Yeah do what everyone else said and remember it doesn't have to be some fantastic speech(it can be if you want it! but doesn't have to be). If you're that nervous it might be best to just keep it simple, like "I don't know if you've already figured it out, but i've been meaning to tell you, i'm lesbian" or something like that. Good luck! And yeah seriously tell us how it goes! -Lindsay
BelleMorte
Member # 27890
posted 01-26-2007 05:55 PM
I just talked to her on the phone (squee!) and she's coming over Sun. night, now I just have to figure out what to say!!!!! Thank you all so much, you have been really helpful! And Heather, that list of churches is really cool! I'll have to check some of them out. I'm near Portland, and I noticed there's millions there...
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 01-27-2007 07:07 AM
Belle, here's an address to check out:http://www.soulforce.org/ http://www.soulforce.org/article/7 Soulforce is an organization that aims for the inclusion and acceptance of all sexual orientations in religious environments, especially Christian churches. I always throw out the adress when someone posts a situation like yours. I have a few friends who are both openly queer and Christian. They stick to churches that are gay-friendly and have had really positive experiences. (Two of them met through a youth group and then openly dated each other.) Seriously, if you're finding the church were you're at is homophobic, just look around for a new one. You can keep in touch with old friends and go back to visit, but church just should be a place where you feel accepted for who you are.
BelleMorte
Member # 27890
posted 01-27-2007 12:52 PM
Thanks, Ecofem, I've been checking out the forum there and it's pretty cool! It's actually giving me new material for debating my youth pastor! lol.
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 01-27-2007 12:59 PM
That is awesome to hear-- glad you like the link! Why not give your youth pastor some of the site materials? You could also write and ask for them to send you some handouts for a session with your youth group led by you?
BelleMorte
Member # 27890
posted 01-27-2007 01:33 PM
I think I will... thanks again! But of course, even if I did do something at my youth group (and didn't explicitly say that I was gay), most of my church friends would still have no clue... it's kind of sad, but also kind of funny...
sexxy_and_confused
Member # 32876
posted 03-01-2007 05:44 PM
It was just as hard for me to ask my gf if she was b i or lez. It took awhile for me to find the right words but now we have been together for 5 months and is going good hope u have as good of luck as i did