T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 27386
posted 02-06-2006 11:40 AM
Right, as long as I can remember I've always been attracted soley to older guys, and not just slightly older, but way up there in the 40s, 50s, 60s type thing. Am I the only person who feels like this? I don't know what it is, I just don't like young guys, for a start they're all incredibly immature (though I'm not always that mature) and I just find older men so much more sexually appealing. I know the obvious answer is "oh you obviously have some bad father issue" but I don't think I do, I have a loving dad, though we don't have the closest relationship it's not a particularly bad one. I mean I could never picture myself going out with someone my own age, thing is how am I supposed to tell my parents that oh, not only am I gay, I'm also dating some guy who is nearly your age... At the moment I'm in an online relationship with a guy who is 42 (I@m 16),And I'm perfectly happy with it, I'm going to mee him in september. I know that seems like a collossal age gap but I wouldn't have it any other way, he is very loving and not at all pervy or anything, we don't have cyber sex or phone sex or anything and I'm completely comfortable talking about anything with him. Ok so this doesn't really have a point so far but... am I the only one who is like this? Do I have some mental issue or is it just some kind of fetish? anyone have any opinions? ^^
Member # 20094
posted 02-06-2006 01:05 PM
Well, one thing to consider here is the age of consent laws where you live. In Ireland, the age of consent is 17, so any sort of sexual activity between the two of you is illegal, and could get him in serious legal trouble.
Also, I have to question what a 42-year-old is dating a 16-year-old for....honestly, that is such a huge age gap, not just in terms of chronological age, but experience, independence, etc that I'm having trouble seeing what you guys could have in common? Most adults, though they may enjoy spending time with people of all ages, just don't have that much in common with someone who's 25 years younger than they are. I really have to wonder why he's not dating someone his own age.
Member # 27386
posted 02-06-2006 01:27 PM
Well I'll be 17 in May and I@m not meeting him till September so that's not a problem ^^ As for why he like me and not someone his own age, well honestly I'm not really to sure, I guess he's just more attracted to guys my age like I'm more attracted to guys his age? Maybe that's a roundabout way of saying he's a paedophile, but that doesn't bother me. As for what we have in common, hmm, well there's not a long list of things that we have in common, but I don't think that matters so much, I'm never stuck for anything to talk to him about, we talk about life, movies, religion anything at all, moral debates lol.
Member # 26880
posted 02-06-2006 06:37 PM
I don't feel there is anything wrong with liking older men, but I would encourage being extremely careful when you meet him.
My best suggestion is, meet him in a public place and refuse to go anywhere alone with him. Bring a cellphone and make a deal with a friend that once an hour, on the hour, you'll call them and utter a code phrase; otherwise they are directed to come to where you are ASAP. It is a good safety precaution when meeting anyone IRL that you met online.
I am a 17 year old male practitioner of BDSMLNOPQRSTUV... LeVay Satanism composes approximately 40% of my religious beliefs. I agree with approximately 40% of LeVay Satanism. I am a sadist (60%) I am a masochist (40%) I am bisexual, or bipermissive. (75% heterosexual, 25% homosexual).
I seek no conflict
outside my bedroom walls.
Member # 20094
posted 02-06-2006 09:15 PM
There's actually an article on the main site that deals specifically with internet relationships (I was looking for it earlier, but I ddin't have too much time, so).
Getting Real: Relationships on the 'Net
Member # 3
posted 02-06-2006 09:21 PM
(Ayu, I actually have some things to add to this for you, especially considering how INSANELY common it is for young queer folk to basically ONLY get an in to the queer community by having sex/engaging with older partners -- which you may not be aware of, but believe me, the older people in question VERY much are -- but I am unable to post more right now.
Don't usually placehold like this, but I will be back tomorrow to post on this.)
Member # 27386
posted 02-07-2006 10:29 AM
Thanks for the advice and the link ^^ interesting stuff. Yup my friends know about him, he doesn't ask me to keep it a secret or anything, and I will fill them in on whatever plans we make ^^ although I highly doubt I'll be telling my parents as I don't think they'd exactly approve lol.
Mmm no I'd never heard of the whole young gay ppl getting an in to the gay community through older partners, and I'm not exactly clear on what you mean either... But thanks for your help anyway
Member # 3
posted 02-07-2006 11:20 AM
Well, it's INCREDIBLY standard for older people in the queer community to mine for younger people: really, ask pretty much any queer adult NOT interested in getting in your pants about it and you're likely to get a long sigh and a big "Uh HUH."
Why is that? Well, there can be a million reasons, some benign, some not so benign. From the younger person's end, it's common enough to seek out BOTH a lover and a mentor, even though really, often it's best those two roles are separate, because someone interested in being your lover is going to have their own interests and intentionally or unintentionally skew how they're mentoring to serve those. Do you have any friends or connection to queer community that ARE same age? That are platonic and NOT about dating? if not, do yourself a faovor -- whatever you choose with this -- and start cultivating those relationships: you'll want them for perspective and support.
One thing to really be on the lookout for is that with that big an age difference, there absolutely IS a power imbalance. That guy, however cool he may be, is not attracted to YOU for your maturity, because unless he's underdeveloped emotionally himself, there's no way your life experience at 16 can even come close with his: it's your LACK of maturity/experience that's the likely attraction, so you might want to suss out how you really feel about that, and what potholes that can create, because if you're automatically dismissing them as no big deal or nothing at all, that's a pretty glaring sign you either don't know what they can be, or just are not being realistic.
(And bear in mind that if he's not stupid, he's likely tailoring the way he talks to you now because he knows that even online, if he does start getting sexual, his butt could be in some VERY serious hot water.)
It's February. Really, I'd suggest maybe just slowing things down a step. September is a LONG way off, so rather than getting all set on that meeting, I'd simply see how things progress.
I'd also go ahead and do put more energy into seeking out peer queer community as a whole, even if you don't intend to date in that community. The isolation that can occur without that isn't helpful to anyone.
Heather Corinna Editor & Founder, Scarleteen ST blog • about Heather & Scarleteen I have come to learn that that which is most important to me must be spoken. - Audre Lorde
Member # 27386
posted 02-07-2006 03:07 PM
Well, what exactly do you mean by "queer community", just all gay ppl around the world? Or like a particular scene at gay bars or something? I'm not too sure...
Mine for younger ppl? you mean older gay guys just in general like to date younger guys? Mmm I guess he is kind of a mentor, like it's nice to have someone more experienced and wise that can help me out or give me advice, if that's what you meant by mentoring. As for friends in the gay community, umm I have one gay friend, that's it. I mean it's not like there's any groups of gay ppl or anything that I can go meet, that I know of anyway. I will try to think about what you said with the attraction to my lack of maturity. I mean, nothing major springs to mind about why that should be a big problem... maybe you're right and I don't know what they can be.. feel free to suggest some lol. Well, sometimes conversation can get a bit sexual, but nothing too serious. He never asks me to do anything for him or anything. Mmm yeah I know it's quite a long way off, but I've been chatting to him since october and it's already at the internet relationship stage. I mean I have a LOT of feelings for him...
Member # 3
posted 02-08-2006 10:00 AM
By queer community, I mean friends, acquiantences, places you can go where you can be out, discuss queer issues and relationships. And probably there are groups and people out there: you just have to put energy into seeking them out. Believe me, it's worth it.
Thing with menroing is that the best mentors are NOT the people we sleep with or who want in our pants. Again, that just creates too much bias for really good mentoring: sure, he might be able to help you out, but if his interest in you is laregly sexual, that tempers HOW he will help you and what he will say, even if he's a good guy.
What can be a problem with being attracted to BECAUSE of lack of maturity in a long-term relationship? Well, for one, when you start to grow and become more mature that can equal the end of the attraction. When arguments or conflicts appear -- and they do in every close relationship -- you generally will not be given as much weight and respect in your side of resolving them. You may often be told you don't know what you're talking about, you will likely have less leverage in negotiating things. Some of what also can be a draw for a much-older person with someone much younger is knowing younger people either have fewer boundaries, or know less about how to uphold them: that can be an issue because the older person, knowing that, may take advantage of that. It can also make learning HOW to set and uphold boundaries -- a really important part of your growth per healthy relationships -- harder.
Member # 27757
posted 03-03-2006 06:33 AM
I must agree with mizz scarlet, tread very carefully with this guy. I was in a similar situation when i was 17 and he was 30.
Being that age you are still "programed" to have respect and trust for your elders, a trait your parents have instilled and the trust and respect you acquire in school for your teaches, as an example. I was very naive at 17 and thought this guy was honest and caring in everything he said. After i went home with him and we had sex his attitude changed and i saw he was not the guy he was pretending to be. It took a few years to fully understand the motives for his actions, and now i still see him with younger guys. Some people have a power fetish, or are only attracted to young guys for reasons only they know... I know i canot put your friend in any "bracket" but in my experience, a guy of his age having true feelings for a guy of your age is rare. You are young and have alot of experiences in front of you, take your time, i am a much happier and wiser person for sometimes taking the lonelier road. I feel like i am preaching, but only you can learn from your mistakes. Just keep what people have writen in your mind as a guide line. Good luck, John.