T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 17521
posted 09-25-2005 02:06 PM
there is this guy that i really really like, and we have been good friends for a while now. I have never felt this way about a guy before. he doesnt know that i like him tho, cuz he claims that he is straight, and so do i, even tho im bi. (i am not out of the closet yet) he also can seem quite homophobic at times. however, We have given eachother handjobs, but he seems to think nothing of it. He even tells me right afterwards that he is not attracted to me or any guys at all. He doesnt want to do anything else that is sexual with me, but i dont say anything to him about it. I'm not sure if he is just REALLY comforatable with his sexuality, or if he is interested in guys but doesnt want to admit it to me. The thing is that im afraid to tell him that i have feelings for him, since he might think that im a freak, and not want anything to do with me anymore. On the other hand, if he does have some interest in guys, i would definitely like to make something of it. Should I take the risk or just keep it to myself??
[This message has been edited by yaya4 (edited 09-25-2005).]
Member # 3
posted 09-28-2005 10:17 AM
In all truth, someone like this is a poor choice to pursue a relationship with, manly because it's neary guaranteed to end up in heartbreak for you.
He's made clear he doesn't want a relationship. he's als made clear by his words that he doesn't feel comfortable with the sex he's having with you or other men, but rather, is ashamed of it. I'm not sure why you;re assuming he's very comfortable with this: everything you've posted here makes it fairly clear the situation is quite the opposite for him.
So, your best bet is not only not to pursue a deeper relationship, in the interest of your emotional safety, it'd likely be a smart choice to stop engaging in sex with him altogether, until such a time as he can take even a few steps out of denialville and be more comfortable with the whole works OR simply be very clear that what it boils down to for him (and it might) is that he's simply opportunist -- that he really isn't attracted to you or interested n you, but for right now, just wants whatever sex he can get from wherever, period.
(In which case, if you've feeling for him, again, this likely is not an emoptinally safe scenario for you, so unless you fel okay with that, bad idea.)
Member # 17521
posted 09-29-2005 02:09 PM
thank you for your advice...the only problem is that for both of us, these are out first experiences with other guys. For me at least, I do not feel the need for a deep relationship at the moment. What I am more interested in is experimenting with my attraction to guys, but not getting to involved. Right now, as I am not out of the closet, he is my best bet for that chance. I also will not be ready to come out until I am comforatable with my sexuality, and I believe the only way I can be truly secure is by having some kind of a sexual relationship with another guy first.
I would rather take the risk of getting hurt or heartbroken (as i do have feelings for him), rather than being confused about what he is thinking, or what his motives are. If there is any way of determining whether he is in denial, (as you said) or just an "opportunist," please let me know. And if it turns out that he is straight, how would I go about MY feelings? should i confront him about it, and take the risk of him wanting nothing to do with me?? OR is there another way?
Member # 3
posted 09-30-2005 08:56 AM
Again, I'd really simply advise not having this guy as a partner.
To be perfectly frank, what I'm hearing you say here in what you've said is that you also don't particularly care about HIS feelings (of shame, etc.), because he's what's available, and that actually makes YOU something of an opportunist as well. From what you have posted, he HAS made clear he's not comfortable with this. Put it this way: if I was sitting in front of you, eating pie voluntarily day after day, but I was telling you I really didn't like pie at all, you'd be pretty aware something wasn't at all right in my head.
Other opportunities with other partners will arise in time: there isn't an expiry date on this stuff, after all, and when -- for any of us -- suitable partners where one or both people really aren't okay with everything aren't available, we all always have our own two hands. Part of sexual maturity in sexual partnership is learning to also look out for everyone's feelings, even when a sexual relationship isn't a romantic relationship. That's a lesson needs be learned just as much -- if not more so, as it's trickier -- than where tab A and Slot B go.
As well, having sex with people generaly isn't what creates the right venue for feeling comfy to come out: that's about the people you AREN'T having sex with, after all. Sounds like a fine attempt at a rationale, and maybe it sounds reasonable to you, but it's really not.