T O P I C R E V I E W
Deviant_Genes
Member # 6576
posted 01-17-2002 07:38 PM
Hey, everyone. My first time posting I'm an FTM transgender, the only one who knows is my ex-girlfriend... we went out as bisexual females, before I told her. She's totally supportive and accepting. She's helped me look for names and stuff, sort out my sexuality issues, she's been with me through it all... now that I'm sure pf my gender identity, and almost sure of my sexual orientation, and I know about the types of surgeries and hormones, and she's really accepting... I'm wondering, should I start "coming out?" I know my mom would probably accept me as her son, though it would take a while to get used to. My dad, though... that's another issue. And I don't think I can go much longer as who I am not. Any advice?<3 Luv <3 ~*Everyone's favorite tranny-bi-guy*~ ^_^ Adrian ^_^
rekling
Member # 6341
posted 01-18-2002 12:45 AM
hi deviant... its great that you have such a supportive ex-girlfriend-- that kind of support and assistance makes difficult processes a lot easier. you asked if you should come out. the only one who can really judge that (and make that decision) is you. i'm sure you know that. the first place to start in that decision is to figure out where you can safely come out. the fact that you have your ex-girlfriend's support should make that a little easier. you mentioned the possibilty of your mom being accepting in time. maybe that would be a good place to start. you don't need to come out to everyone in hte world at once. you can start with people who you are closest to, or who you feel support you the most, or who you feel would be most open to your gender identity. its definitely hard to keep being someone you aren't, and it sounds like you are very sure of who you are in terms of gender identity, which is a very strong thing to know. as to sexual orientation, many people continue to queston their sexual orientation from time to time, especially people who are transitioning from one gender/sex to another (there are some very good articles about this in a book called _pomosexuals_ and i believe kate bornstein touches upon it in _gender outlaw_). coming out is a process-- don't forget that! as you begin coming out to people, it will probably take a little while for them to begin thinking of you the way you think of yourself. but you might also find some unexpected allies and supporters. some practical things to think about are physical safety from the people you come out to; financial situation (are you financially dependent on your parents? do you think they would stop supporting you if you come out?); emotional wellbeing (do you have anyone besides your ex-girlfriend who you've talkd to? a favorite teacher? clergy member? therapiust? just someone neutral to fall back on...); and will you be able to take care of yourself? (coming out can be a very draining process, both emotionally and timewise...will you be able to make sure that you take care of you while you do this?) ultimately, it is your decision to make...hopefully these things will help you make that decision (and i'm sorry its a bit disorganized, i was trying to find some good weblinks to coming out models, but i failed miserably)... i'm around if you need some online support, and there's plenty of other people online who are generally more than willing to help out! good luck with your decision!-rek
(ooh. one more thing: you can also "test the waters" by coming out to someone, and seeing how that feels to you..if it feels comfortable, great. if it feels way too stressfull, or too rushed, maybe you want to take a bit more time before you continue).....
rekling
Member # 6341
posted 01-18-2002 11:01 AM
hi again, deviant. i left a few things out of my post last ngiht (it *was* the middle of the night...i just figured that getting *something* to you sooner would be helpful)...there are also some good guidelines to follow about *when* you come out to people-- timing can help a lot with the way you are recieved. for example, if someone has just gone thru a crisis of their own (lost a job, medical emergency, etc), they might not be in the most accepting frame of mind, and might not be able to offer you the support you need. choose a time when you will have time to talk (or, a time when the person will be alone if you decide to come out non-verbally)-- so if you are coming out to one parent, don't do it 10 minutes before the other one will come home from work, or don't do it when you are supposed to be studying for a really important final ,etc. also, think about *how* you want to come out. in person, in a letter, an email, over the phone if someone doesn't live near you, etc...each of those has benefits and disadvantages. if you are doing it person, think about *where* you are doing it. and finally, and very importantly, think about what you want to say, and how you want to say it-- its your identity that you are sharing, figure out how you want to identify yourself to other people, and be prapared to explain both your identity and your choice of labels (if you use those) (ie you described yourself as an FTM transgender in your first post...if you come out to someone, they might not know what FTM means, so be prepared to explain that, and then be prepared to explain why you identify as an FTM transgender, as opposed to, say, a transvestite, or a butch lesbian).
this all sounds overwhelming, i know. but often thinking about this stuff before hand will make the actual process a lot easier and cleaner.
whatever you decide to do, i wish you luck and stregnth.
-rek
kythryne
Member # 5460
posted 01-18-2002 09:30 PM
Fabulous advice, rek. I have a very close friend who is a pre-op MtF transsexual. She's been going through a lot of the same issues you are, and much like your friend, I've been helping her sort through all the various issues.
One thing that's really helped her is working with a therapist who specializes in transgender/transsexuality issues. The therapist is helping her sort out how she wants to handle the transitioning process, including things like coming out to family and friends, finding a way to work while transitioning, maintaining a good relationship with her partner, and such. I've gone to a few sessions with her, and I've been really impressed by how effective it's been in cutting through the confusion and stress. I'll also see if I can dig up some of the links that she's found particularly helpful and post them here in a day or two -- I'm a bit swamped with work at the moment, but as soon as I get a few minutes, I'll see what I can find for you.
Kyth
------------------ Kythryne Aisling Scarleteen Advocate
"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform." -- Alfred Kinsey
kythryne
Member # 5460
posted 01-24-2002 10:49 PM
As promised, some links. http://transsexual.org has a LOT of information. We've found this to be a really good site, with some excellent articles. http://www.pflag.org - PFLAG's site. If you search for "transsexual" you'll find some articles for parents of transsexual children. http://www.genderweb.org/family/tsfam.html -- this is an open letter to parents, family, and friends of transsexuals. Hope this helps!
Kyth
------------------ Kythryne Aisling Scarleteen Advocate
"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform." -- Alfred Kinsey