T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 33653
posted 05-02-2007 07:43 PM
okay, here is the thing, i have a friend and she always has a bf. she goes threw guys faster than ever. like 8 in one week. she finally has gotten a bf and had him for a while. but there is a twisted part of the whole thing, he flirts with me all the time even when she is around, and all she does is laugh. and then like when people say we are flirting (all knowing i have a boyfriend and he goes out with my best friend) then he get all mad and then acts like a jerk to me.. i mean he is like one of my close guy friends. and then my best friend is a whore.. she wears extreamly low jeans and high slutty shirts so that everyone can see her thongs. and then guys pop her thong and all she does is laugh. she will tell her bf and he getts really mad and tries to fight them. and then they both get mad at each other. i am tired of having a whore for a friend and im also tired of have her bf (also my guy friend)flirt with me. me and my bf are both tired of it. and my and my best friend get into fights all the time cause we both talk crap about each other (her talking more than me). and we only get into fights about her cause i try being the good friend and trying to get her to change and stop being a whore. we get mad and become no longer friends... then about a couple days later she comes crawling back to me... (cause when we fight all of our friends side with me cause im always right) so then im stupid enough to take her back as my friend... im tired of both her crap and the crap i get from her bf.. what should i do? i mean i thought that since shcool was ending soon that maybe we would grow apart and be no longer friends for the next year... but i dont want to have to deal with it for a whole nother month. please help me.
Member # 94
posted 05-02-2007 07:55 PM
I think you should be aware that using the term "whore" in a derogatory manner is completely unacceptable on these boards.
Frankly, I feel that you are not being a very good friend. You are disparaging this woman for her sexual choices, without attempting to understand those choices. Your concern appears to be for the "image" she presents, rather than for any risks that your friend might be taking in terms of her emotional and physical health. Furthermore, the only truly despicable behaviour that you've described here is the behaviour of your friend's boyfriend, yet you are still willing to call him your friend. If you really want to be a good friend to this woman, try to spend some time with her in a context where she doesn't feel the need to play up to overly sexualised standards of femininity, and do some activities together that don't have anything to do with guys or sex-- watch movies, do arts or crafts etc. And don't disparage her for her chosen dress, or try to make out that she is a bad person because of her sexual choices. Try being supportive instead of judgemental, and maybe you could be a worthwhile friend to her.
Member # 33653
posted 05-02-2007 08:17 PM
i have been supporting her all threw 7th grade till now (8th grade). we are best friends i mean i have supported her more than ever. and then when i need support from her she is never there for me... i mean she is not being the good friend. she dresses this way at school. and gets in trouble daily for her clothing. she is trying to become a 'woman' by rush into being a sexual things. i only want good things for her but she is not trying to help herself even tho she says she would change. her mother gives her everything she wants and lets her do whatever she wants, and my mother is concerened for my friend too. so my mother does take us out to have girl time and we always hang out and i try to never get on the topic of guys or anything like that. but she is soo controling and ends up calling her bf and blowing off her friends.
yea i am not to happy with her bf right now.. i did have enough and said that i wanted my distance from him but he seriously wont leave me alone. i do want help but i do know that im not the bad friend in this case.... alot of people do care about her but she never does anyting to change... and she does know what she is doing is wrong. so please help me.
Member # 3
posted 05-02-2007 08:28 PM
First up, let's start by separating your issues with your friend from your issues with her boyfriend, okay?
Your friend isn't responsible for her boyfriend's behaviour: HE is. So your problems with him need to be addressed to and with him, not to or with her. And if he's harassing you to the point that you don't feel comfortable being the one to talk to him about disliking his behaviour and wanting to be left alone, then it's time to ask an adult for help doing that, okay? So, that's him. Not her. Per your issues with her, I think it might be helpful if you could really list what your issues with her are that are actually ABOUT you and about your friendship. For instance, one thing I see that's about you is feeling blown off for her boyfriend. One thing I see that is NOT about you or your friendship is how she dresses or who she dates. She's not making YOU wear the clothes she does, or making you have whatever sex she is having: those things aren't about her being a bad friend to you, because those things are her choices, for herself, not you. See the difference? [ 05-02-2007, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 33653
posted 05-02-2007 08:37 PM
i do understand what your saying but i mean... i have know her for years. i do care about her.. but i cant stand being her friend. i know that sounds very harsh but you dont know her the way i do. but anyways she is the cheerleader type (nothing wrong with that, i mean i was one at one point) but she is the type that puts her self above everyone else. everything goes stright to her head. she only wants me around when she needs me, she does blow off her true friends, and she just is a unfaithful friend. im kinda tired of always being put in the middle of all her stuff. and she talks about me. what kind of friend is she? i do everything i can to be a good friend to her. but i dont like relationships where i give soo much and get nothing back in return. i have kinda made up my mind that i need to move on with my life and let her deal with her own in what ever way she wants. but i dont know how to just get her out of my life cuae she always comes back when she needs me, so then i get used. im seriously tired of it. now i just want help getting her out of my life...
Member # 94
posted 05-02-2007 08:53 PM
Well, Ash, if your concerns are about her blowing you off as a friend, then why do you make the focus her style of clothing and her relationships with guys? As Heather pointed out, they are two different things. If you translate "You seem to be blowing me off as a friend" into nasty judgements on her dress and dating habits, then there is going to be poor communication between you that will inevitably lead to a deterioration in friendship, not to mention that in doing so you perpetuate very negative ideas that are bad for all females everywhere.
Judging girls, and making derogatory remarks, based on their dating and dress is unacceptable regardless of whatever friendship issues you might have. You came in here posting about her dress and dating, not about her attitude to your friendship, which indicates that it's those things (dress and dating) that are foremost in your mind. If your actual concern is for your friendship, then, as Heather said, you can deal with that as a relationship issue WITHOUT bringing anything else into it.
Member # 33653
posted 05-02-2007 09:01 PM
im sorry.... but all those things come together with her.... im not trying to give other women a bad name... everyone has a different case... hers tho is much different..... but anyway since im guess im the wrong one i guess i will just keep taking her crap... maybe i am the wrong friend for caring about her... and that it was bad of me. well i thought i could come here to get help from you guys to help me with my problem but sadly i guess this is something i need to just keep taking from her. sorry for wasting your time.... i will keep coming back here for other issues, but i guess i will have to try and deal with this kinda stuff on my own.
Member # 94
posted 05-02-2007 09:13 PM
Ash, you are attempting to be manipulative, passive-aggressive, and you are deliberately misinterpreting our words and intent.
If you had come here saying "I am concerned about my friendship with this girl, because she fobs me off when I need support," that would have been fine. If you had come here saying "I am concerend that my friend is developing habits that are unhealthy for her, because she seems to seek attention from guys as a means of validation" that also would be okay (although your friend may not be motivated in that way). However, you came in here calling your friend a "whore," stating that your primary problems with your friendship related to her manner of dress and the guys she chooses to date-- because you didn't like the image this presented. This is NOT "caring" about your friend, it is putting her down. There is NOTHING caring about your original post here, and the sooner you see that, the sooner you can start being a good friend. If you are truly concerned about her, you can express that concern without making derogatory statements, and if she is not being a supportive friend, likewise, you can express your concerns in a civil manner without resorting to the use of epithets that are demeaning to both her, and women in general (particularly women who actually are involved in sex work).
Member # 31520
posted 05-15-2007 06:31 PM
I believe you that the way your friend treats you is what REALLY is hurting you, but the way she dresses and acts with boys is the first negative thing you recognize because it isn't how YOU feel woman should act. so if you still want advice on what I hope you recognize is the real issue(how she treats you) then I would love to help.
If I were in your place I would try talking it out with her and tell her how it hurts me. If that doesn't work, or you've already tried that, then maybe you should try and make other friends, and give her time to figure out FOR HERSELF if what shes doing is really how she wants to live her life. As far as the boy. He's not really your friend if he acts so immaturely to you, so don't let yourself be around that if it bothers you. I hope this is helpful.
Member # 34213
posted 06-07-2007 03:12 AM
i have to say i agree with these two guys ash i mean i have had bad friends that have hurt me i've learn to let them go but what hurt me most about them is that they judged me not giving me a chance to defend my self and i think that is what you are doing sweeping away the real problems you are having on to some thing else that you have no right to judge.