T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 13388
posted 01-15-2007 01:41 PM
I noticed in some recent posts how the
parents of a poster's significant other are getting involved in their child's relationship. Do you think they (his/her parents) should have a say? What's the difference between them being welcoming versus pressuring you (like to stick together or break-up?) What's good and when's it time to draw the line? What role do age and living situation play? (Such as being under 18/18+, living under their roof versus off at college or on your own, etc.) What about length/depth of the relationship? What have been your experiences-- good and bad? What advice to you have for people feeling pressured?
Member # 27966
posted 01-15-2007 02:03 PM
I'm fairly close with my partner's mom (his dad's a gruff and quiet man, so I'm getting to know him better bit by bit, but after 4 years of dating it's still only just a friendly relationship). She and I were roommates on a church trip to Uruguay as well as tentmates on several camping trips (as all my church buddies are guys, I can't well room with them lol!).
I don't mind her having a say in our relationship; we're both 21 and nearly done university, and have been dating for 4 years, so she (as well as the rest of his extended family) is really excited with the thought that we'll get married one day (and so are we!). We both still live at home, so I see her quite frequently at his house. Really, it's been a good experience for me- my own mom isn't really around, so it's kind of nice to have a future mom-in-law to talk to about girl things. She's a wonderful lady and a great confidante, so I've really been blessed and don't mind her getting involved at all! If for some reason we DID break up, she would probably try to keep in contact, and while I would probably tell her I need space for a while, I'd still want to keep in touch at the very least, because I consider her a friend, not just my boyfriend's mom. But really, I know many people don't have this experience, and I think that if you're not really close to your parents or your partner's parents, they really ought to have no say in anything about your relationship unless they see warning flags of abuse or something along those lines that presents a danger to you or to your partner.
Member # 31502
posted 01-15-2007 02:15 PM
Me and my ex were 2gether for 5yrs up until 3months ago. His mother was "ALWAYS" getting invloved. My ex was physically and verbally abusive for 4 yrs and his mother and father knew all about it. His mother would always tell me to stick it through and work out our problems. She would always tell me I was perfect for her son and that she knew I was the one for him. He moved out when he was 18 so I kind of became his mom away from mom...She liked that He had someone who had his best interest @ heart. Needless to say numerous times in the begining of the relationship I "tired" to call it quits but she was always there telling me that couples have their problems and that if I/we really luv'd each other we would stick together. She was there EVERY single time we bickered (his dad only got invloved when it came to asking him what the hell his problem was). Personally I feel that parents need to get invloved to a certain extent. My mom knew nothing of what was going on, but I'm positive if she did that relationship would have been over a long time ago. In a situation like mine I think that parents have all the right to get involved...not to save the realtionship but to make ending it easier. His mom put it in my head that he could change for me if I gave him the time and love. I dont blame her for me sticking around but I felt pressured not to give up. I did love him but back then in my eyes he wasnt going to change. I was right!
My advise to other ppl in the same situation is to take the good advise and the advise that feels right to you. As for length and dept...when ur w/ someone for a long/short period of time and u become close to their family they are going to feel they have a little say so/input. [ 01-15-2007, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: HealedHeart ]
Member # 13388
posted 01-15-2007 02:59 PM
Thanks for sharing, and for writing so quickly! It's really interesting how the two of you seemed to have experience that were at either end of the spectrum of good/bad. Your (plural) advice sounds really helpful.
leabug, I'm glad to hear it's worked out to be such a positive relationship for everyone! HealedHeart, I'm sorry to hear how negative your experience with this was, but you were able to get out and look bad critically, which is tough but laudable.
Member # 13388
posted 01-17-2007 03:27 PM
I'll share my bit in hopes of continuing the thread and getting more responses.
At the end of high school I had a boyfriend whose mother wanted to give us a talk about sex. My boyfriend, her son (who had lied to her about being a virgin, when he could actually now be best described as a perpetrator), told me about this. On one hand, she was a nurse and such discussions were part of her work; on the other hand, she was very conservative. I told my boyfriend that I was not having this conversation, no way, because 1) she wasn't my mother and 2) he'd lied to her about being a virgin: why should I be held accountable for the truth when he was lying? For whatever reason, there was a whole weird vibe between his mother and me. Maybe it was "little" things, too, like having a picture of him and his ex-girlfriend on the refridgerator still. In any case, I'm glad that as I can date whomever I chose without (cross-)parental involvement at 18+. Thing is, good or bad, it's practically guarenteed to come from both sides for those under 18. Any other experiences or opinions?
Member # 30315
posted 01-18-2007 10:49 AM
My boyfriend's parents are amazing people. We're only 18, but his parents married young and are true believers in the possibility of finding "the one" at a young age. So, while there's no pressure from them for us to stay together - when we went through our rough patch of almost breaking up, they stayed out of it - they're very supportive of us and they see our relationship as completely valid (which my parents don't, at all). I feel entirely at home and welcome at his house, and frequently when I get into arguments with my mother, I leave and go over to his place to calm down.
Member # 30995
posted 01-18-2007 09:37 PM
My parents do not have any say in my relationships... or in any other aspect of my life, either. I do not ask them for their opinions or advice or offer them any more than the most basic information about the goings-on in the love-life of Menthol. When they offer unsolicited advice, i gently remind them that they are a day late and a dollar short. I simply do not consider them a valid source of advice. They have resigned themselves to remaining in dysfunctional, unhappy marriages. My mother uses sex as a weapon, and my father allows himself to be used like a workhorse.
I pity them both. Additionally, i've never really dated anyone whose parents were particularly intrested in supervising our relationship, either. But I'm reasonably sure I would resent it if they did.
Member # 27966
posted 01-18-2007 10:02 PM
The thing is, there's a HUGE difference between a parent being involved and a parent supervising, in my opinion. My partner's mom knows me really well, and knows her son really well, therefore I welcome her advice and input, which, by the way, she only offers if I ASK for it. But if she were just sitting on the sidelines and supervising (which really makes me think of teachers watching kids on a playground- who wants someone watching their every move in a relationship like that?) then her input would probably not be welcomed.
Member # 13388
posted 05-16-2007 03:31 PM
I've seen some posters recently mention issues dealing with a girlfriend or boyfriend's parent, so I wanted to bump this thread back up. Everyone is welcome to share!
Member # 28219
posted 07-03-2007 11:34 PM
Just one thing...how DO you persuade parents into liking the partner, especially if it's a male?
Member # 27966
posted 07-04-2007 12:42 AM
Well, parents are just like any other people- you can't force or persuade them to like someone. That said, I know many parents appreciate it when their child has a partner who is respectful of their rules and opinions, and who is sociable with them. Those are the kind of things you can do without pretending to be someone else just to get their approval.
Member # 34285
posted 07-05-2007 09:43 AM
i think that parents should interfere if they see something going on that could have a very negative effect on their children for a large amount of their lives, but other than that they should be supportive. I love my boyfriends parents and i consider them my second parents.. my parents are the same way towards him.