T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 94921
posted 02-17-2012 04:35 PM
Okay, so this is my first time posting. I've never found a website that a young girl can openly talk about abortion without getting bashed by pro-lifers. So, please, do not tell me what I did was wrong and that I will go to Hell. I regret my abortion with everything that I have.
So, I got pregnant when I was 15. The doctors said it was probably around early November when I got pregnant. I was scared to death and didn't even tell my fiance until I was 3 months pregnant. I wanted my baby, and then again.. I didn't. I loved the idea of having a baby, but knew that it would be very hard to survive financially. When I was 5 months, my mother made me take a pregnancy test. It came out positive. I was on Seroquel (a medication usually used for bi-polar and schitzophrenia) for Episodic Mood Disorder. My mother told me that it was very bad for the baby and that I would most definitely have a disformed baby. She forced me to believe that I would either have a stillborn baby or that it would be extremely disformed. We went to an abortion clinic here in Tennessee. They told me that I was too far along to have an abortion in Tennessee. So, they gave my mother numbers of abortion clinics in Atlanta, GA. I had my abortion April 15-16, 2011. My mother, father, and fiance were there with me for support. The cost was about 2,000 dollars. I did not want to have an abortion by the time we were there, but I didn't want my dad to lose his money over nothing. I didn't want my family to be disappointed. I didn't want to end up a teenage mother living off of welfare. I didn't want to be an abomination in my family's eyes. As soon as I came out of that cold room, I immediately regretted it. I wanted to go back in there and just clutch onto my dead child. I regret my abortion with every fiber in my being. I want to get my medical file from there, but it will cost $25, which I don't have. In the file, it will have my ultrasound pictures. I don't even have a picture of my baby. I just want to talk about this. I have nobody to turn to. I can't talk to my fiance about this because we will both just end up crying and there is nothing we can do now. Every time I think about my baby, I cry uncontrollably. I have numerous family issues and problems. I didn't include everything in this post, but I included most. I just want somebody to talk to, somebody that won't bash me for killing my baby, because I do that enough.. Any help is greatly appreciated.
Member # 90293
posted 02-17-2012 04:52 PM
Hello and welcome.
We're not in the business of judging here. Your thoughts and experiences are your own and we respect and honour this. I hear that you had a lot of pressures to do what other people told you to do. That can be hard. It's also hard to do something you feel isn't right but that you believe to be the only way to avoid some of the things you mentioned. You had to make a hard choice, and you didn't have a lot of support around that. I'm wondering about your feeling that you can't talk to your fiance about this. Has he said that he doesn't want to talk about it? Crying together is perfectly okay, and while it hurts, can also be a form of healing. What would be most helpful to you right now, do you think?
Member # 3
posted 02-17-2012 08:29 PM
Btw, cutegurl0606, I'm just popping in at the end of my day here, and we -- or Robin or any of the volunteers -- can talk more later, but you know, it sounds to me like you think that ultrasound will help you out, and like it's something you really want.
We do try and keep a small fund around for user crises here, and while something like that isn't ever something we've used that for, if you feel like you really need that for yourself ad it's only $25, I'm sure we could arrange to get the funds to that clinic for you so this is something you can have. Just so you also know, we come to these choices from a factual, medical perspective, so with where we're coming from, no one has killed any babies who has terminated a pregnancy. With where we're coming from, there isn't any baby when there hasn't been a birth.
Member # 94921
posted 02-18-2012 09:39 PM
What I think would be helpful the most is just being able to talk to somebody. I've been to psychiatrists since I was 8. It doesn't really help me very much because all they do is listen, without giving advice very much. I don't want to talk with my fiance because he feels like it is his fault that my family pressured me into having an abortion because of our ages at the time of conception. And, I just don't want to cry anymore. As idiotic as it sounds, I just want my angel back. Heather, I really do believe that the ultrasound will help me. The picture is really the only I would be able to have as a memento. That, and all of my memories while being pregnant. But, it would seem very odd to take this money from strangers for.. personal gain, I guess you could say? I was looking over the paper from when I went to the abortion clinic here in Tennessee. I was 19 weeks and 4 days. Even at that time, I could feel it kick. So, in my opinion, it was my baby. And, now she or his is my angel looking over me. And, thank you both for replying to my post.
Member # 43628
posted 02-19-2012 08:59 AM
Hi cutegurl0606, while I believe an abortion is not a killing, I also think it is never ok to be pressured into having an abortion. I'm very sorry for your pain and your loss.
Member # 3
posted 02-19-2012 09:27 AM
So, it sounds like both you and your boyfriend need some support so you can both process this.
I do want to make sure you know about Exhale: it's an excellent resource that provides a phone hotline for after-abortion counseling. It is pro-choice, not pro-life, and isn't about blaming anyone. It's about knowing that just like after a birth, plenty of people have tough feelings after an abortion they need help with, sometimes tougher than with a birth because of our culture's attitudes about abortion. You can find out more about them at their wesbite here: http://exhaleprovoice.org/ I'm never going to argue with a woman bout the words she wants to use with her own pregnancy. That said, fetuses kick. One doesn't have to be born to kick, and yep, after around 16-20 weeks, fetuses do often tend to start to kick. My concern, though, is that you're framing yourself as "killing a baby." Like I said, I don't want to step on or over your own words or feelings, but infanticide is a very different thing than abortion, and when people conflate them or make them the same, undoubtedly someone who has terminated is likely to feel way worse than they would otherwise. Know what I mean? I'm so sorry that you weren't able to come to your own choice without feeling pressure. By all means, having a mood disorder and pregnancy -- and parenting -- are tricky, and taking a medication which can create health effects on a fetus is a real issue to investigate and consider. But taking those things into consideration is ideally something you would have been able to take the time to do with your healthcare provider, and where you would have been supported by the people around you with this being your choice, whatever choice you made, put first. It doesn't sound like that happened, and I'm so sorry it didn't. We know that no matter what choice a person makes with pregnancy, being or feeling pressured into it always makes it much more likely someone won't feel good about that choice. In terms of the photo, what our job is here at Scarleteen is to inform, help and support young people. Sometimes that means a little bit of financial help (we're not in the position for major help there), and we're okay with that when we can do it. If you are, just let me know and we'll work this out for you. If not, that's okay, too, and I would also be willing to help you come up with some alternatives to the ultrasound that might help you get the same kinds of results from it you're looking for. Either way.
Member # 94921
posted 02-19-2012 09:23 PM
What other kind of alternatives are you talking about. And, I agree that we both need to talk about this. I might set up an appointment with a psychiatrist again solely for this issue.
I've researched the effects of taking Seroquel while pregnant. Most of the woman who have been on it while pregnant had minimal problems. I just wish I would have read it before making my decision. I had an appointment planned with my gyno for an ultrasound and prenatal care. But, my mom got back from Florida (Yes, she went on vacation to Florida right after her finding out about my pregnancy) before my doctor's appointment. Then, we left for Atlanta. Afterwards, I got into an argument with my mother (which happens alot) and the abortion came up. Then, afterwards she said she told me that she would have supported me no matter what choice I made.. But, all she did was pressure me into having an abortion. My dad didn't really say anything. But, now.. All he does is say that I owe him money, which just kills me. I don't have any way to pay him back, and hate depending on him. I have anxiety with asking people for things. Even asking him for money for clothes is too hard for me to do. I would like to be able to get the ultrasound, but I don't know the process in doing so. I've called and they said send them a money order and a copy of my ID. I don't know where to go to get a copy of it. But, I do have my old permit, which was the ID form I used in Atlanta.
Member # 3
posted 02-20-2012 09:57 AM
So, with the ultrasound, why don't you email me (the link at the bottom of the page that says "contact us" goes right to my email), and we can figure this out. If nothing else, I can call the clinic and ask about the specifics: I've worked at clinics before, they might even know me, for all we know.
Shall we see if we can't sort that out first, and then talk about other ways you might be able to have the image you want to help you with resolution? I'm so sorry to hear all of how this has gone for you. While timing really matters with these things once you start getting later in a pregnancy, that's still never any excuse for anyone to rush someone. You still had several weeks you could have had to look into all of this and talk to your OB/GYN, at a minimum, even if you did decide to still terminate the pregnancy. I'm also sorry to hear how unsupportive it sounds like your parents are being, like your mother not taking responsibility for the rushing and the pressuring and your Dad making this, from the sounds of it, all about money. It sounds like there have been a lot of things coming together to result in your feeling as bad about this as you do, as is often the case when people feel bad about any pregnancy choice. To boot, any pregnancy has hormonal effects, and they get bigger the longer a pregnancy goes on. With your moos disorder, and these hard feelings AND the hormones from your pregnancy, it seems likely you've probably dealt with a depression on top of all of this: you may even be still: sometimes post-partum can go on for a very long time.
Member # 94921
posted 02-20-2012 08:18 PM
I've been diagnosed with since I was 8. So, I guess you could call that long-term depression. Hah. Sometimes it is easy to deal with, other times not so much. I used to self-mutilate from the time I was 11 until I was 16, I guess? I haven't cut in over a year and am actually surprised I didn't with this situation. And, as for the reasoning for starting this at such a young age. This was I found out that my mother was a drug addict and the time I thought she went away to strengthen her nurse degree was the time she spent in rehab.
So, as I said in the first post. Lots of problems.
Member # 94921
posted 02-20-2012 08:27 PM
I don't think anybody wants to take responsibility for their actions. No matter how trivial it may seem to them.
My dad never talked about the pregnancy, the abortion, how I felt, or anything. He never asked me what I wanted to do. He just showed up one weekend and we went. My dad has issues with showing how he feels. When my parents divorced when I was 6, I don't remember him showing any sign of grieving.. Well, except for becoming an alcoholic. Nowadays, I believe he is getting into the pill scene like my mother is. My mom told me that the day that I had the procedure, he was high off of a pill in the car waiting on me. Hell, my mom even took the hydrocodone I was given for pain. I can't talk about this to other people. Obviously. There's just so much CRAP that went on. So many factors into making it the most heart-wrenching and horrid experiences I've ever had. I mean, it angers me that my parents were about to get high to block this out of their minds. I couldn't. I just had to sit there and bleed and wait for the impact of what I had done fully hit me. I've promised myself to never ever get addicted to anything, like both my parents are. I've got a high possibility that I could get addicted to anything, I believe.. since both my parents have addictions.. Sorry for laying all of this on you.
Member # 90293
posted 02-20-2012 08:27 PM
I can only imagine that sense of betrayal at such a young age. Not surprising it affected you in such a strong, lasting way.
What kind of support are you getting around the depression right now?
Member # 94921
posted 02-20-2012 08:32 PM
My support right now is myself, a few close friends that still don't know the whole story, and my fiance.
The depression isn't so bad right now. I should probably be put on medication because I am always lethargic, lazy, and just have no energy to do anything. It's probably because of the depression. But, I don't want to be put on any kind of medication like Seroquel.. any medication that if I do somehow manage to become pregnant, I won't have to worry about the medication causing birth defects.
Member # 20094
posted 02-20-2012 08:50 PM
There are other ways of treating depression than medication: talk therapy is incredibly beneficial, and a trained therapist would likely be very helpful to you right now, someone who's objective and trained to help you work through your feelings. Friends and partners are great to have as support, but they can't (and shouldn't) be our counsellors.
Have you looked into calling Exhale, the organization Heather linked you to a few posts up? They'd be a great place to start with that, and would very likely be able to help you find someone in-person you can talk to as well.
Member # 94921
posted 02-20-2012 09:17 PM
Yes, I've looked into it. I have anxiety about talking to people I don't know on telephones though. Stupid, I know lol. I didn't see anything about talking online or anything. But, I might give it a try.
The closest place that I used to go to counselling is in Knoxville which is quite a drive for me to do, with a lot of traffic. When I get home, I can look in my mom's doctor books for a place closer to home.
Member # 42492
posted 02-21-2012 07:05 AM
Just a quick suggestion about counseling, since distance seems to be an issue for you.
I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, but I moved last month. My therapist was willing to have our meetings over skype, and so far it's worked out great. Maybe something like that would be an option for you?