Lucky you, huh?
I just hate it, I hate everything. I want someone to be here, but I don't want them to care. I hate that it is so hard for me to talk to people, I just can't do it. Sure, I can write you an email, and I'm sure they all sound really stupid too. But you know what? I don't care. when it comes down to it...I wouldn't be able to say this stuff to your face. I wouldn't be able to say anything that I type. Why?? What the heck is so wrong with me that I feel so inferior to everyone? I can't even look anyone in the eye. I am lying to myself. I keep trying to find excuses for myself, but there isn't any. I am screwing up. Its as simple as that. I need to accept it. But I;m not. I can't. I hate that I don't try anymore. I DON"T CARE, but apparently I do. Obviously, I do care. Otherwise, I wouldn't be saying it. Right? I suck at everything. I am a crappy friend. I suck at school...everything. And I know that sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn't doing a darn thing, but the way I look at it, this isn't feeling sorry for myself, this is facing the truth. I feel like this all the time, sure, I feel worse when I am fighting with my mom or somethings going on here, but the truth is, the pain doesn't go away, and it's not even their fault. I hate the way I look, I am fat and ugly and my hair is all frizzy and I look so retarded, and I realize I sound STUPID and I shouldn't care about superficial things, but I DO. I DO I DO I DO. CRAP!
I miss something that I haven't even had, I just want to not have to worry about anything. That'll never happen....that never happens for anyone. I am so tired of everything. I want to shut the whole stupid world out. People are so mean. There is so much hurting in the world. People don't have homes, or friends, or ANYTHING, and I am sitting here complaining about MY LIFE. Thats right, I am. Why should I always feel gulity when I just want things to stop?
Do you ever just want to stop? Just let the world go on without you. I want to just watch and not have to participate.
Something is up, I hate this. I feel so hopeless and crappy right now...but tomorrow I'll be fine. I am always fine. but I am not fine. Why don't I feel bad about thinking about myself? For questioning God? I think my problem is I think to freakin much. I can't stop thinking. I always have to have these stupid deep thoughts. I want to just accept it's so and not have to ask why and not want it to go away.
So much is going on right now...sooooo much. and sometimes I think "oh my God, there is no way in the world I can handle all this crap" and then other times its like "its not that bad"
I say I don't feel gulity..but sometimes I do. My mom thinks I should be something I'm not. She thinks I shouldn't act this way and lock myself up in my room every second I am home. But she has NO IDEA what I feel, what I am going through, she doesn't even know me. No one does. And I don't know her either. I don't know why she acts the way she does or says the things she does.
I can't even stand to look in the mirror anymore. I try not to as much as possible. When I work ticket booth at work...the reflection in the glass almost brings me to TEARS because I'm like "do I really look like that?!?!?!" I am so disgusted that I have let myslef get so.....ugh.
I know this is satan trying to tear me down....I realize that...but what do I do when he's WINNING?
Gosh...I make myself sick. I really want to talk right now...I don't know what to do.
Oh my goodness...I was just messing around, doing some searches for my "dads" name,[long story, but I found out a name] but I guess I found some better websites because I found about 10 Jeff Shepherds that live in FL...and ummm....it like makes me feel like I am going to pass out just reading them...cause, like, who knows, ya know? This could be it. I guess I just felt like telling you that...I'm like really scared and I don't know what to do...I guess I am not going to do anything, but I have some of their email addresses right here...isn't that so scary?
I don't know...ahhhhhh!!!!!
Thanks for listening.
I get really down at times too and am currently in one of my "Everyone hates me" moods. Not too fun.
But honey, it is only too easy to focus on the negative aspects of your life. Try looking for the positive aspects of you and focus on them. Write them down somewhere. Spend some time for you and only you everyday. Do the things that make you feel good about yourself. When I feel down, I take out my party clothes and dress up and prance around in front of my mirror and I feel better. Yes, the things Lin does.
Have you tried talking to anybody about this honey? A counsellor? Close family friend? Friend? It might really help you with some of your issues dearie.
And it's okay to care about superficial things. When my hair doesn't behave, I feel like the ugliest girl in the world. And that's okay. It really is. We don't all feel beautiful 24/7. But it is important to know deep inside that you are beautiful. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. Does this even make sense? I hope it does. I don't believe in ugly people sweetie. No one is ugly because he/she is fat, has frizzy hair, bad skin or has a big nose. If you want to be beautiful, you are beautiful. And hon, I know you are beautiful.
I question God alot too. Which I was always thought not to do. But hon, what's wrong with questioning? If you don't ask, you never learn. That's how I absolved all that guilt anyway.
And hey, hon, if you want to talk we are all here for you. AIM, ICQ, Email. You name it, we've got it. If you need to talk hon, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or ICQ me at 26629976.
Hang in there sweetie. *sending tons of positive energy your way*
Want More Lin?
Gosh, i do know what you are feeling. Lately I have been feeling like that. I am male 6'1" and very thin. I really dont think many people like me. I walk around school and everyone points, or snickers. Its really painful.
I am not a handsome guy by any means, everyone thinks i am still a 13 year old cause i look young (i am 18 now) and i dont have facial hair. I was very unhappy about being tall. 3 years ago i wasn't even 5 feet tall. I complained then about being short and now look. Why couldn't i be average? When i talked to my mom she promised not to get angry, then thats precisely what she did. 'Why are you angry at the way God made you' she says. 'The next thing you know you get into an accident and lose your legs, you will no longer be tall'. Does that make me feel any better? NO. Why can't she get that i just need her to understand what i am going through.
I am the gentleman type respectful to females, opening doors, pulling chairs an all that, but none of the girls around me seems interested, they go for all the 'bad' guys, whats up with that?
Why is it everytime i think i'm doing something right it turns out to be wrong? Why do i try so hard to do the right thing all the time and people don't care and the minute i take the easy way out and do the wrong thing everyone goes crazy? I am fed up with being the good guy. Then again, i don't have gall to be the bad guy, it just ain't in me.
I got one friend and she understands me cause she is going through similar circumstances.
I, like you, think too much. I spend most of my time zoned out somewhere, just thinking. I hardly come out of this zone happy. I seems like when i internalize, i just upsets my mental balance, my emotions go haywire. I just feel like crying, and usually do. I feel like the whole world rests upon my shoulders, my problems seem even greater than usual.
I don't always feel this way though. There are times when i feel on top of the world. Especially when i am infront of my computer, i am in my own world.
At times too, i just think of what i'v got going for me: my inteligence, my computer knowledge, the fact that i treat people like i want them to treat me. Little things. I THINK we underestimate the little things in our lives too much. Then i realise, my problems aren't so bad. There are people with REAL problems, what am i getting worked up about.
I doubt this helped you but i hope you realize you are not alone. Just focus on the things you love, the people who love you and the things you have going for you. I believe that will help. I also think you should talk with someone you trust or maybe a counsellor. Talking helps me a great deal.
Good Luck, i hope things work out.
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My very first day at work as a new police officer, I made a traffic stop in an industrial area. I walked up to the car and the guy behind the wheel looked at me, laughed until tears came to his eyes and said, "You're kidding, right? How old are you???"
He got a ticket.
"Unit 11A to Station, do we know what's behind Door Number One?"