This is topic Sex issues with boyfriend; lack of desire in forum Relationships at Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive).

To visit this topic, use this URL:

Posted by michiru (Member # 70161) on :
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about one year and two months now, we are both 18 years old. I'm starting to get confused about my feelings for him.

First, the good things. I enjoy hanging out with him a lot, and also talking to him. We can talk about pretty much everything. He makes me laugh. I find him very attractive and cute, and he really is my best friend and we've been through a lot.

The bad things. I feel like there is not enough romance in our relationship, and I feel like he doesn't put enough effort into things. I feel like he is selfish sometimes and isn't able to think about how other people feel or empathize, although when I explain my feelings explicitly when he does something I don't like, he always apologizes. I wish he did more things to show he cared, like surprising me with little things, or planning dates instead of just looking to me to think of dates all the time. I tell him this sometimes, but I guess it's still hard for him to do that, it doesn't occur to him. Sometimes it makes me feel like he's just too lazy to try.

I think the biggest concern I want to discuss, however, is our sex life. He is my first sexual partner and was the one who gave me the sort of nudge to begin to understand sexuality and sex. When our relationship began I was very uptight about sex, and even kissing in general, and I was very afraid of intimacy. This caused some strains in our early relationship where he kept encouraging me to open up and try things, and I kept being afraid, and felt resentful at times that he seemed to get upset when I wasn't comfortable with doing something. It took a lot of time, a lot of reading of Scarleteen, and other educational, unbiased sources about sexuality, and I finally got over my original fear of sex as being something morally wrong or dirty and absolutely unthinkable for a teenager to be getting into. I got on birth control and got lube and condoms and our sex life began to go smoother. I began to enjoy sex and desire it and want it and everything.

Lately, however, I have been feeling uninterested in sex and just not feeling "in the mood". I hardly feel horny anymore and when I think about having sex, I start to get an 'ugh' feeling and don't want to, and I'm not exactly sure why. I don't think I've lost any attraction.

Sex just sometimes seems tiring for me mentally and physically. Though I've come a long way from my initial narrow minded fears, I still get feelings that what I am doing is dirty or wrong and feel guilty about it, and I also grapple with feelings of self consciousness, thinking I look and sound strange and shouldn't be feeling this way. I think another part of the problem is I know my family would not approve of my having sex, and we usually have sex and such things in my house, sometimes while my family is home, behind a closed, locked door, and my family trusts me and rarely bothers me about it, and I feel paranoid that they will catch me or feel suspicious or as if I am betraying their trust, though I know that I have reasonably thought it out and come to my own opinions on the matter.

When we have sex, my body feels good, and I enjoy the sensations, but it seems like I have some sort of mental block that makes me still feel strange inexplicably and leaves me feeling drained and confused after. I don't masturbate because it doesn't seem to do anything for me and still feels weird.

When I don't feel like having sex sometimes, I still do, because my boyfriend lives rather far away and we don't get to see each other very frequently, so sometimes it feels like we need to take advantage of our time together. Perhaps another part of the problem is the fact that I feel like we always have to have sex when we have a date, regardless of what else we do, and it starts to feel like a chore, and I feel bad if I say I don't want to because we don't know when we'll have the opportunity again. But sometimes I wish we could just do things without sex.

My mind is in a very confused state right now, and I would appreciate any advice. I just lately feel like I don't have feelings for him anymore and something is off, though when we do go out I do enjoy it, and I do enjoy talking to him. So sometimes I feel like I still do and sometimes I feel like I don't, and then there is the whole sex problem.

I feel like I should just suck it up and make these last few months good ones. We are going to different colleges in the fall and I think neither of us wants to try a long distance relationship, so we will probably break up, but we are still remaining together for the summer, and I think I don't want to start any huge issues in this short period of time. I don't want to lose him as a friend.

Posted by breath (Member # 50014) on :
It sounds to me from your post that you have benefit and expanding your own views about sex and sexuality which is really great.

It also seems to me that you expect yourself to always feel the same way about the sex that you have and at some level, think that there is something wrong as your feeling about the sex that you have with THIS person, changes. All I can assure you is that there is nothing wrong if you feel that you don't feel the same way about sex that you did before.

You don't have to engage in a sexual activity only because you don't know when you'll see him again. Have you voiced your thoughts that you would prefer to do non-sexual activities at times ?

Also going to college and starting a new life can be a big transition. If it seems inevitable that you will break up with him, one option can be to ease the transition from a sexual romantic relationship to a more platonic friendly relationship, instead of an more abrupt break up.
Posted by Heather (Member # 3) on :

It sounds to me like ONLY having sex when it's something you really want and feel good about and feel good doing IS what would make these last few months good ones. Without that, doing things like having sex when you feel conflicted or worried about privacy or it feels like a chore? I don't know how things could be good, for either of you.

Know what I mean?

(And welcome to the boards!)
Posted by michiru (Member # 70161) on :
Thanks! We've talked about it and he agrees that he likes doing things that are non-sexual as well, I think he has a higher libido than I do so sometimes I feel bad when he wants to do something and I don't.

I think one of the main things I'm confused about is that lately I just haven't been feeling up to it and more along the lines of 'ugh', and I'm also confused about that strange mental feeling I get sometimes where what I'm doing is just strange and dirty and weird, and I wonder what I can do to try to ease that.
Posted by Heather (Member # 3) on :
I think that's going to be tricky to figure out anytime someone has felt "ugh" about sex and still HAD sex feeling that way, and then kept on doing that.

In other words, having sex when you don't really want to or aren't feeling it? That will either create ugh or amplify existing ugh. (I love the "ugh" has become a valid term in this context.) So, once you're in that, it becomes pretty much impossible to untangle.

I think you first have to get all the way out of that, and stay out of that, and then see how you feel and how much of the ugh still lingers.

But it also sounds like some of this might be about engaging in sex in a physical space where you don't feel emotionally safe in it to be sexual? In other words, in a house and space where a lot of that sexual shame may have come from in the first place?
Posted by michiru (Member # 70161) on :
I think it could possibly be the having sex when I don't feel like it. I think I tend to have a low libido, and I don't often feel or get horny, though I have before. It hasn't happened lately. My boyfriend has a higher libido and I suppose I feel bad sometimes if we haven't done something in a while but I still don't feel up to it. Sometimes when we get going even though I don't feel like it it still feels good anyway.

Hm the more I think about it, the more muddled I get with what my actual problem is.

I mean, I've enjoyed sex and I've had a desire for sex before, but it just seems that lately it seems to be something tiring that I'd rather do other things for, which I think upsets my boyfriend, though he tells me it is okay when I don't feel in the mood, I feel bad because I know he is and we haven't or won't get to do anything for a while. I feel like I don't get much out of sex besides some good physical sensations that I don't really need or want that badly, though they are still good, and more often than not it's a little tiring emotionally and physically, I guess.
Posted by Heather (Member # 3) on :
I think it's worth trying to make a distinction between times when you are neither here not there about sex, then try it, and it winds up being good and you wind up being there, and times when you know you're just really not there at all, or you're not sure, and try, and find out you're not there.

There's not the same thing at all, even though there's a continuum they're on, if you follow me.

Have you ever talked to your partner and just outright asks how HE feels about you having sex, ever, because you feel guilty for not having sex?

I ask because most partners in healthy relationships are going to say that is the LAST thing they want, and even ask a partner to please not ever do that. Just being able to hear that might help a whole lot, and help remind you that what a partner probably wants isn't for you to put out, they want for you to engage with them mutually when you are both really feeling the desire to.

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3