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Posted by averagejen (Member # 36400) on :
I've been in a relationship with a guy I knew from high school (I'm a freshman in college now). Even though we went to different colleges, we decided to go into a relationship because we felt that was the right thing to do for us (and still feel that way); long-distance is not really a problem for us since our colleges are about an hour away and we both make the effort to travel to see each other at least once a week. We've been going out for about 3 1/2 months now, and I cannot deny the strong sexual chemistry between us. I'm not a virgin; I've first had sex with my ex-boyfriend (who was my first serious boyfriend) when we were going out for about 10 months (we ended up going out for almost 2 years total before we decided to part ways). But my current boyfriend IS a virgin and I don't want to push anything onto him as far as sexual activity goes, but I'm not dumb and I've been picking up signals from him that he's definitely sexually attracted to me as well. My question is, how long were you in a relationship before you decided to have sex? I'm not trying to get an estimate for myself but I'm just curious. Also, I feel that it is somewhat "wrong" for me to rush into having sex so early on in the relationship, although inside I feel as if I know I can truly trust him and he can trust me and we can talk about really anything. Any opinions on that? And how would I go about bringing sex up without making my boyfriend think I'm just in it for the sex or that I don't really consider this an emotionally engaging relationship (which I absolutely do, I am pretty serious about this relationship and would not just ditch his feelings aside)? Thanks so much, Scarleteen!
Posted by evilstrawberry (Member # 39129) on :
With my first boyfriend, we were dating for about a year when we had sex (both of our first times) though we did oral/manual before that. With the second, I had known him as a friend for about 8 months when we started dating and we had sex about a month in.

Currently, I'm seeing a guy I met when I started college and the relationship actually started WHEN we became sexual, about 2 months after meeting. He has never had sex, and sort of like you, I'm trying not to pressure him, so I don;t know when we'll get to that point.

I definitely don't think it's wrong. It's really what both of you feel comfortable with. I don't know if I'd bring it up, if both of you are interested it's bound to somehow come up in conversation. You can broach it then and see how he responds. Ask him what he thinks, that's probably your best bet if you want to know what he thinks [Smile]
Posted by vshanti (Member # 43159) on :
Hi averagejen,

Ultimately, you and your partner are the only ones who can decide when it's right for you to have sex. There's no standard timeframe that can be universally applied to all people; I would encourage you to start a conversation with your boyfriend, and ask him how he is feeling, while making it clear that you do not intend to pressure him into engaging in any sexual activities that he doesn't feel ready for.

You might find this article useful: The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

May I ask what you mean by "have sex"? Sex can mean an infinite number of things, depending on the desires and needs of the people involved; it doesn't necessarily revolve around vaginal intercourse. If your boyfriend doesn't feel ready for that aspect of sex, remember that there are lots of other ways to enjoy yourselves sexually and to feel close to one another. [Big Grin]
Posted by averagejen (Member # 36400) on :
To me, sex means vaginal intercourse. I'll definitely talk to him on how he feels about sex, if he's ready, etc. I think I'm just having a little difficulty grasping the concept that you can lust after somebody so early on in the relationship and still be in love with them and love them in a deeper, emotional aspect...

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