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Posted by insightful_mind (Member # 95253) on :
Alright, so I don't want to make it sound like my boyfriend is a pressuring scumbag; he's not. We've been together for over 3 years and have a very happy relationship. We are both curious and sexual beings and very open to talking about our desires.

He is willing to preform oral sex on me, but I honestly just feel grossed out about it. The feeling and knowing he's down there using the parts he kisses me with is unsettling. But the thing is I'd like to enjoy it. I guess I just want to know how to change a stubborn mindset. It's vice-versa too-I don't really enjoy preforming oral sex on him but I want to pleasure him. I'm alright with giving oral with a condom but without it the action feels like more of a chore to me. Unfortunately he says with a condom it has the "balloon effect" (sucking pulls the condom out more and makes it less sensitive) so there's no happy medium.

Again, he isn't forcing anything on me, our relationship and sex-life is happy, healthy and monogamous, but I am curious if there's any helpful words or insight on having an open mind and changing my stubborn viewpoint. Looking forward to hearing some responses.
Posted by Heather (Member # 3) on :
Welcome to Scarleteen. [Smile]

So, can you maybe start by saying a bit more about why you think mouths on genitals is unsettling? Do you feel like you're bothered by genitals, feel shame around them, think them dirty or taboo, etc?

We can also talk more about how to make condoms work better with oral sex, but I feel like until (and unless) oral sex is something you actually really want to do, something you're excited about and something you feel good about, doing it at all probably isn't such a great idea for you. Not only is doing anything we don't want to likely to only make negative attitudes more so, sex of all kinds should always be optional, and about what we want and enjoy, period.
Posted by insightful_mind (Member # 95253) on :
Yeah I guess so. The two things I find most unsettling is 1) It's an area where you release urine so I guess that's just yucky to me and 2) ( I don't think this much anymore, I came to some realizations) just the thought of not being face to face kind of seemed degrading.

What are some other options for more pleasurable oral sex though? We used flavored durex before-is there a thinner flavored brand or is there just a different method?

I guess I'm trying to think more openly about oral sex..I don't know if I'm quite yet am excited about it, or if I ever will be. I just know a lot of girls who find oral sex the only way to have an orgasm and I wonder if I'm missing out, plus I have a boyfriend who enjoys pleasuring me. I feel like if I could get over feeling awkward about him using his mouth on me I could possibly enjoy it. I also feel bad cuz' I don't like him kissing me afterwards ( I don't enjoy my 'taste' or the idea of my fluids getting to my mouth).

I hope that all makes sense. Looking over it now I don't know if my question is more for sexual health or psychological mindset haha. Thanks!
Posted by Heather (Member # 3) on :
So, with a reminder that it is always OKAY not to want to do anything (or even everything!) sexual, so this isn't something you *have* to change your mind about, some things to think about:

1) Did you know that urine itself is sterile? Saliva isn't. Neither is semen or vaginal fluids or blood or even sweat. In other words, of all the body fluids we've got that one is actually the most clean from a bacterial standpoint.

2) Maybe think about why you feel like you have to be face-toface for things to be respectful or not-degrading. I'd say genitals are no more or less intimate than faces, myself, but it might be helpful to think about why you clearly feel differently. Like, do you think if your partner isn't engaged with your face they're somehow forgetting it's you there?

In terms of condom use, from the sounds of things, he's not putting lube inside the condom before putting it on. If he was, it'd slide around a lot more like a foreskin does rather than having that baloony feeling he's describing.

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