This is topic Everything happening at once. I've never been so lost. in forum Sexual Identity at Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive).

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Posted by Summerchill (Member # 51221) on :
I wasn't sure which board to post this in so feel free to move it if it doesn't fit with Orientation and Identity.

I don't even know where to start...I have so many conflicting feelings right now.

I got my first boyfriend about four months ago. He broke up with me a week ago and it wasn't mutual. I was absolutely inconsolable the first few days. I've never been through any sort of heartbreak before and it hurt me bad. And I'm still hurt right now except luckily this week has been very busy so that helped to ease the smart.

I was really angry with him at first and I still sort of am because I feel like he threw away something good for no reason. I miss him. A lot. And I still care about him as much as I ever did.

We have a class together and we both are in the school show so I'm still seeing him around a lot. It makes me really uncomfortable but I'm sort of glad in a way because I think if I never saw him anymore I would exaggerate both his good and bad qualities until they overwhelmed me. At least his presence provides me with a reality check...

When he was breaking up with me he told me he still cared about me and I could tell it was sincere. He also told someone who is good friends with both of us that he wanted to be my friend. Which is encouraging news considering that he has major problems with his other ex's.

So, knowing this, I approached him yesterday and had a brief conversation. I told him that I didn't know how long it would take because I was still really hurt but that I did want to be his friend eventually. And he said that he wanted the same. Then he told me that he was sorry if it seemed like he was avoiding me or that he was being a jerk but it wasn't easy for him.

After this conversation I felt for the first time that things were going to be okay and I feel a little more comfortable around him. We even had a brief casual conversation today. No more than a few comments each. But it was nice to see that it arose naturally and we didn't shirk from it.

And so now I'm just really confused. This has all been happening so rapidly. Just in the course of one week. I can't decide if I'm hurt by the way he tossed me aside or if I'm excited because it looks like we'll be able to remain friends. And a part of me hopes that he'll change his mind and take me back...

And there's something else on top of all of this. For a few years now I've suspected that I am bi. However I never gave it much thought because there wasn't room in my life for anything romantically. When I started dating my boyfriend my attraction to girls pretty much vanished and I was convinced for awhile I had been wrong and I was straight. However, in the last month, before we even broke up, the feelings have returned and they're stronger than they've ever been. I started noticing girls a lot more. Then I started having dreams about attractive girls I was acquainted with where I would kiss them or caress them. And just this afternoon I was taking a nap when I had another. Not much really happened. She just touched me hand and flirted with me really close but the tone of the dream was overwhelmingly sexual. It was the most turned on I've been in awhile and I woke up in a cold sweat.

I'm curious. Really curious. And with the break up I feel impulsive and I have this strong desire to just make out with the first girl who will have me. Either that or to be held by my ex...or to just have an honest conversation as friends like we used to. But two out of three of those things are impossible in the situation I'm in right now and it's going to take awhile for us to be friends. I just want so much and I want it now and I'm so confused and frustrated and there's nothing I can do.

[ 02-10-2012, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Summerchill ]
Posted by Robin Lee (Member # 90293) on :
You've definitely been through a lot of changes over the past few months, starting and maintaining a relationship, then having your boyfriend break up with you. Your sense of overwhelm is understandable.

It can be tempting to always want to *do* something about our thoughts and feelings, but sometimes it's okay to just *be* with them. [Smile]

It's always up to you when and how you relate to someone as friends or otherwise, so if it works for you to only have casual conversations with your ex right now, that's just fine. If it works for you to have a little distance, that's okay too. I'm wondering about your comment that he tossed you aside. This is just a thought, and you can take it with a whole bottle of salt if you like, but I'm wondering if it's more accurate to say that he tossed the relationship aside, not you.

Having thoughts, feelings and desires for girls is completely normal. [Smile] What would be the most helpful way for us to chat about this with you?
Posted by Summerchill (Member # 51221) on :
Well, I guess the feeling of being tossed aside comes from the fact that I didn't see this coming at all. I know that the last month hadn't been all that great and we'd been having a few problems but it wasn't like we were having arguments or saying hurtful things to each other. I know that couples have ups and downs and that a lot of times it's possible to work through the rough patches and make things stronger and I still felt like that same connection was there.

But instead of trying to work things out he freaked out and broke up with me. And the thing is, the day he broke up with me was the first day we had a chance to be alone in two weeks. And the last time we hung out was actually a really good day that I felt re-established all of the reasons we were together. But it was when I wasn't around that all the doubts built up in his head and he based his decision off of those.

But I've thought about your comment about him tossing the relationship aside rather than me and I do think that it's accurate which makes me feel a little better.

I guess the trouble is that I still crave that same relationship because I still like him the same way I used to. I know I shouldn't since he hurt me but that's how I feel. I want to kiss him and to go on bike rides and I want him to confide in me like he did. The most important thing to me was always the trust he placed in me. And I'm worried that I've lost that. I just don't know how to give all that up. Especially when I don't understand why he thought it was necessary to.

As far as the girls go...I'm not sure. I'm just sort of confused all around on that front. I can feel the feelings getting stronger and I don't really have an outlet for them seeing as I'm still in high school and don't really know any lesbians. I feel like I'm finally ready to experiment but I can't tell if that's just the emotional break-up crazy talking.
Posted by Saffron Reimi (Member # 49582) on :
Of course you still feel the same way about him now; it's been so little time.

After a relationship we were heavily invested in has ended, it's a good idea to have some space - usually without any contact with the person a relationship has ended with - to heal, process and rediscover what makes us special as a person; our own unique identity, rather than what we mean to someone else. It's a good time for some serious self-care, to remind ourselve who we are and what we love to do; long relaxing baths, hobbies, passions, other friendships, reading, learning about or to do something - these are some things people do for self care. What do you usually like doing for yourself?

Sexuality is incredibly fluid; our feelings can change rapidly and fluctuate - much like you feel your attraction to girls and women has done. When we're younger, it's most common for relationships to only span a weeks to a few months, maximum. So, it's best not to overthink what happened in the relationship. Sexuality is incredibly diverse between people and within the same person at different times.

As for your attraction to girls and women - it's actually very rare for someone to be 100% hetrosexual or 100% homosexual their entire lives. So, if you feel attracted to girls then, well, you feel attracted to girls. [Smile]

Orientation isn't about being sexual with people of the same gender to you - it's just about how you feel. A relationship ending with someone else also can't alter our feelings about a gender group. If you like them, you like them.

However, dreams are a little different in the sense that they don't mean anything. Sexual dreams are no different from other dreams in that respect. You can dream about liking girls or you can dream you're a big purple monster - neither of those things can apply to real life. Know what I mean?

You mention that you have a strong desire to make out with somebody who identifies as a girl. This might be just where your sexual feelings are at right now; you don't have to label yourself as bisexual if you don't want to adopt a label for you orientation right now. You can just be a person who feels like she wants to make out with someone who identifies as a girl, that's all. However, if you did want to adopt a label, and feel it benefits you - then by all means go ahead.

[ 02-20-2012, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]
Posted by Summerchill (Member # 51221) on :
Well, in theory space is a good idea but that's not working for a couple of reasons. Not only do I have a class with him but we're both heavily involved with our schools theatre deparptment and our show opens next week which means I see him about 5 hours a day at rebersals. We also have the same friends.

So I kinda see him everywhere.

The thing is, though, I've probably been allowing for less space than I should because I'm absolutely terrified of losing him for good. We graduate in a few months and after that he's joining the military. So, if we aren't able to reestablish a friendship by then it's unlikely we'll ever see eachother again. Besides, I cant shake the hope that he may want to get back together...

And I realize that this isn't the right way to look at it and that if he broke up with me I should respect his decision but it takes all my willpower not to beg him to try again. And I've always believed that a relationship or another person shouldn't define you so now I feel really pathetic for how desperately I want him.

But anyways, I've instigated a few casual conversations and some went really well but then today it seemed like he was really annoyed or uncomfortable or just didn't want me around. It occurred to me he probably needs his space too but I'm just afraid that letting him have it will mean him moving on for good. Which I realize is the point of a break-up but I just can't accept it.

Another thing. He warned me when we started dating about this girl we both know who might have reason to get catty with me. After he and his last girlfriend had broken up they flirted a bit and she thought it meant more than he did and he had to tell her he wasn't interested. Well, she's also in the show and I noticed that they've started spending pretty much all their time together and she's flirting a bit. I cant help but feel a little angry with her and hurt. Its really hard for me to watch because I cant escape it.

Thank you for your help by the way. I'm very grateful. I'm sorry if I'm not exactly answeribg all the things you're saying, its just that this is really the only place I can vent and say all that I need to.
Posted by Saffron Reimi (Member # 49582) on :
It's absolutely fine to come here and vent any time. No worries. [Smile] You don't need to answer anything.

However, while it's easy to feel someone is slipping away after a relationship changes, that may not be the case. We have no reason to suspect he doesn't want to be your friend. Have you spoken to him about friendship?

Friendships don't really need to be nutured and rekindled directly after the romantic or sexual part of them has ended. You've already established a friendship in the first place before your romantic relationship, no? That should still be there, after the healing time. I know big changes are scary, but friends can manage to stay in touch wherever life takes them. What do you think?

I understand it's so hard being in the position in which you see him all the time while trying to have your space to heal. It's extremely common to want the romantic part of the relationship to come back, summerchill, you aren't pathetic in the slightest; you're being very human. Desperately wanting something that has gone is part of grieving - because that's what we often feel when a relationship drastically changes - grief. However, much like when someone we love dies, we can't really grieve properly until we emotionally let it go, you know? It's extremely painful, I know, but it's time to let yourself grieve, and start your healing process.

Space doesn't harm friendships when that space is wanted by one person - your friend - and needed by another; yourself. Space to heal and calm down can be the thing that's needed so you can both be friends in the future without wanting different things getting in the way, if you know what I mean?

[ 02-23-2012, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]
Posted by Summerchill (Member # 51221) on :
Well, I decided yesderday after writing that post that I was thoroughly sick of being miserable and dwelling on the relationship. So, I decided to take your advice and commit to giving myself all the space that is possible. It actually helped a lot and I feel better than I did yesterday and more like myself. I didn't seek him out and I didn't torture myself by watching what he was doing all the time.

We did talk a few days after after we broke up and I told him I wanted to be friends and he told me he did as well. And so the past few weeks I've been seeking him out and
have conversations because I told myself it would help reestablish our friendship. However, now I realize I wasn't doing it to be friends but to try to draw him back in. I'm not ready to be friends if its not in a relationship. I want to eventually but not now.

Kinda going along with that I realized today that I'm now highly attuned to his faults. I notice things now I didn't before or else they just bother me more. And this is really helpful because it makes it easier for me to seperate from him romantically. I hope, though, that this is just a phase? The last thing I wasn't is to become one of those bitter people who resents their ex's. I just don't want to taint the good memories I have... I don't know. Overall, I feel a shift in my outlook and that I'm starting to finally move on. Talking to you had really helped, thank you.
Posted by Saffron Reimi (Member # 49582) on :
I'm so glad you're feeling better with this, Summerchill. Sounds like you've taken a big step in healing from this hurt, and are making some very sound realizations. I know it's very difficult, but it sounds like you're doing great here - well done. [Smile]

It's common and understandable not to feel ready to shift to a friendship right after the romantic part of the realtionship has ended; it's very difficult to do immediately - most people find they need a cooling off period and space for self-care.

As for noticing things about him that you don't like so much, that's a common part of emotionally separating ourselves from people we need space from. It's a self-protective measure we do naturally in our minds. I understand that you don't want to sound bitter, and you absolutely don't - people resent exes from all kinds of reasons, but if a person just resents someone for ending a relationship model; that's usually about control. I can see a world of difference between control and the self-protection you're doing, so I really wouldn't worry about it; use it to keep your heart safe at this difficult time.

I really think you're thinking about this in some very clear and sensible ways, which isn't easy.
Posted by Saffron Reimi (Member # 49582) on :
Hello Summerchill; just wanted to check in with you - how are you doing with this now?

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