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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Fears out of control

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Author Topic: Fears out of control
pianoplayer11
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Hi again, my other topic got closed. So I engaged in manual sex with my boyfriend on Saturday night. I was giving him a handjob and I had pre ejaculate fluids on my hands but he didn't. He started fingering me but not inside my vagina. I put my hand down there to help him out but I think the fluids I had were probably starting to dry and may be wiped off from me unbuttoning my pants and stuff. So I've been worrying thinking I have a risk. Yesterday (Sunday) me and my boyfriend were talking about getting plan b but I was scared about the side effects and he said I didn't need it so we didn't get it and I know your articles say I don't have a risk but I'm still worrying so basically I just need some support until I get my period (first week of December) or support when/if I do find out I'm pregnant...
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pianoplayer11
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Realized my mistake I mean first week of January.
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Molias
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Hi pianoplayer,

I know we've given you this link before in other threads, but I'd really encourage you to take a moment to read it (or re-read it) now and make a list of things that stand out as possibilities that might distract you, help you relax, or otherwise make things a little easier for you right now: Self-Care a La Carte There are a lot of ideas and thoughts in this article and I bet there are at least a few things that you might find helpful.

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pianoplayer11
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Yeah I read thought that list and I have been trying to get my mind off these things. My boyfriend is being really caring for me lately and it makes feel a lot better and with the holidays I've been pretty busy, I just feel like if I forget about my risk I don't have control over it and I feel if I don't have control over it I'm going to end up pregnant. Also I've been worried about pregnancy and the risks since October and I think my mind/body is used to being anxious and worried that's why I can't let this all go. I feel like if I worry about it I have more control over my body? I decided not to take plan b and I'm sticking with it. I do understand I have no risk at all with what i did but I just don't think I'm allowed to let this go even though i want to so bad. I'm so confused and beaten down.
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Heather
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Allowed by whom?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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zeitvogel
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Hi pianoplayer

I'm not a volunteer, but the thought process you described sounded so familiar that I wanted to comment. In particular, it sounds similar to OCD. Most people know about the "compulsions" part of OCD, but the symptoms can also be entirely mental, such as:
- fear that your own thoughts can cause something bad to happen
- fear that something bad will happen if you don't think particular thoughts
- an inability to get a disturbing thought out of your head

I don't want to push a diagnosis at you, but just that it may be worth asking a mental health professional specifically about OCD. I myself went to several before one of them spotted it. If it is OCD, then these days there are specific therapies available that are likely to help.

In any case, I hope you find some calm about this in whatever ways you can. Being anxious all the time is seriously not fun and it's understandable that you are tired of it. Be kind to yourself [Smile]

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Heather
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Thanks for pitching in, zietvogel. [Smile]

I think one of us has brought this up before with you, pianoplayer, but if not, by all means, given your post history, I would agree that an anxiety disorder of some kind seems very much like what might be under all of this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pianoplayer11
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Thank you both for your responses. Heather, I feel like I'm not allowed to let this go given my circumstances. I know you all said there's no chances of pregnancy but in my mind I feel like there is and I can't forget about this because I could very well be pregnant. About the OCD I think that might be an issue my family has a history of some mental illness and maybe mine has started to develop? The reason I'm not sure is because in every other area of my life I don't experience this. I think I'm just so overly paranoid about being pregnant. I'm really trying to let this go but it seems to back and slowly starts making me more and more upset.
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Heather
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I really think, and I think I have said this before, you need to see someone for mental healthcare to start feeling better. Just because these feelings have only hapoened around pregnancy so far does not mean this is not a mental health issue.

I hear you saying who will not allow you to think or feel differently is your mind, and that you also feel your mind can somehow control things it cannot. I also bave heard yiu continually expressing trouble accepting facts or them feeling like they mean more than your irrational fears. If nothing else at all had been said, that would be a string cue someone is dealing with mental health issues.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pianoplayer11
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I do plan to see my therapist again after the holiday break but my issue here is that my anxiety goes away as soon as I get my period. With my other scares, all the thoughts faded away after my period and I forgot about them. For me that's different this month is that I was exposed to semen although not directly and exposed to pre ejaculate semi-directly that's what worries me. I feel like my risk this time is a lot more risky than before. Again I know you told me there's no risk but I read somewhere that it's a low risk and that possibility of a low risk is eating me inside.
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Heather
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I am not going to go back around with the same questions and answers, pianoplayer. They have already been addressed in two different services of ours now. We cannot make this go away for you, especially not by staying in the same loop again and again and again. And we also need you to hear us at the times we set those kinds of limits, please.

Have you yet talked to your therapist about this as a trigger for your anxiety? If so, what did they say? If not, then I think you need to make that a priority and just hang in there until then, taking care of yourself, which I would say very much includes working to focus on something besides this, not staying focused on it. How about you do yourself a solid and stop reading about any of this stuff until you see your therapist and start working with them around this issue?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Edith_*
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Perhaps what you *really* need to do is to take a break from reading about what poses a risk and what doesn't. Doing this is clearly not helping you, and it keeps you in the same cycle.

We have linked you to the Self-Care a La Carte article before. What have you done to take care of yourself? Ultimately, this is something only you can do. [Smile]

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"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

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Heather
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Also, your other topic got closed because, again, you just kept refusing to respect our limits, so that was the only option we had left to try and get them respected.

We get that you are in a bad way struggling so much with these panics, but that does not mean it is okay to keep pushing us when we set limits. Again, not only will that not help you, it also is just not okay to do to us. How about you put a call into that therapist in the next day or two, even if it is just leaving a message, making clear you want an appointment as soon as possible, so you can start getting the kind of help that really is likely to help you out?

[ 12-24-2013, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pianoplayer11
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I understand the limits you have set with me and I apologize for going over them. I have been trying to take care of me by pushing myself to get outside and I've been running out the anxiety and my boyfriend has been so caring of me. I guess I kind of had a realization right now I was reading http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_do_you_avoid_getting_pregnant_after_giving_a_handjob_or_oral_sex and what occurred to me is that I was taught that anything sexual will get you pregnant but when it comes down to it there's only several things that can get you get pregnant. Things that I didn't engage in.

Whenever I see teens pregnant or with a baby before I thought it was because they did something sexual but really it's usually because they have unprotected sex. Sex was made for pleasure and for people to get pregnant not by dry humping or manual sex. So basically I think the reason I can't get over it is because I didn't believe that was the only way to get pregnant. In my mind I thought everything could carry a risk of getting pregnant. Growing up in a conservative area where you would not get pregnant or else there would serious consequences I think it's natural to be so paranoid.

Even on the boards the users that post about being pregnant it usually is from having vaginal sex and not being fully protected. So I guess I was just so misinformed about all of this. After reading that I realized I didn't do anything to cause me to be pregnant. Basically as long as I'm not rubbing my genitals with my boyfriends or not having vaginal or anal sex or not having him ejaculate on me I'll be okay. I've read stories of people who get pregnant from fingering and how they have a baby now but that's probably not accurate and they probably lied about what they did. So I feel pretty good right now about what I concluded, I'm pretty sure I got this right and I can let this all go because I didn't do anything risky. Also what helps me is that all the users posting about manual sex never actually get pregnant because it just can't cause a pregnancy. Sorry about writing so much but I wanted to get this out there. I will be talking to my therapist and hopefully work on changing my ideas of how a pregnancy happens.

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Heather
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I was just explaining to my mother yesterday how many of you have gotten messages like that, including that even someone who just thinks something sexual can feel they will or must be punished in some way. Those kinds of messages tend to mostly come from people aiming for social control, on a grand scale or a small one, via fear, and unfortunately, it has historically been very effective at that. [Frown]

The good news is, that kind of guilt and shame, which is really what it is underneath, is something a good therapist, with your cooperation, can iften help a lot with.

I appreciate the apology, thank you. I hooe you can keep amping the self care and then be able to see your therapist soon.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pianoplayer11
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Yeah I think that really is the root of my issues just that I wasn't taught well or knowing my actions won't be supported. I really hope with some time and care I'll be able to move on because like it might affect me later in life. Thank you for everything, you guys have really been there for me through out this whole thing. I'm gonna patiencly wait for my period and I've already started making better choices for me and my boyfriend to avoid all of this anxiety.
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