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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Trust.

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Author Topic: Trust.
pyrotech
Neophyte
Member # 107386

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I'm a seventeen year old, concurrently enrolled college student. My dad moved out last semester and I see him from time to time so I know that it's not like he abandoned me. But a long while ago I asked my mom about how long they were having problems and she told me that it had been going on since my sister and I were little. This rocked me a bit tonight because only now I just realized: everything I learned about relationships from watching or talking to my parents was pretty much a lie. One I've been hearing all my life. Not only that the only two meaningful relationships I've ever had (my first kiss and my first time) where lies. The first girl I ever kissed was using me to try and hook my best friend, and the first girl I slept with was a sex addict using me to cheat on her girlfriend and lied to both her and me. And every other time I tried to get in a relationship, every girl would run away, or just want to be friends. I have never even been checked out or flirted with in my life, so not much of a boost for confidence. I just hope by posting this someone can give me a point in the right direction on just how...well...I don't know.

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Cheers!
Pyro.

Posts: 32 | From: California | Registered: Apr 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42505

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Can I ask why you think what you learned from your parent's relationship is a "lie"? Just because they tried for a long time to make it work but ended up separating doesn't mean anything you learned from it is not right, or even that the relationship was nesseccarily bad. My parents have been together 35 years, and have had "problems", including abusive behaviors, for a long time. However, there are things I learned from them that were very valuable to me in future relationships - both what TO do and what NOT to. Don't you think whatever you learned can still be of value to you? Weren't there some things they did right? And can you learn anything from their mistakes?

I'm sorry you have felt used with your first relationships [Frown] It can hurt to find out people we cared about lied to us. Have faith, though, you are still young and there is stil a lot more time to find someone who will be good to you. Plenty of people have never even had any relationships at all by your age. Try to remember that your sample size is small - two people that aren't nice doesn't say anything abut the billions of other people in the world! Enroll in activities you enjoy to meet like-minded people and you can get some good friends and relationships.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pyrotech
Neophyte
Member # 107386

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I believe that what I learned from my parents was a lie because my mom told me herself; the only reason my parents stayed together as long as they did was because they were waiting till my sister and I were old enough to handle it. There was a facade of a relationship that I grew up on and took notes from. They pretended to be happy and I believed it for at least 12 years. How is that not a lie?

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Cheers!
Pyro.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd certainly agree that's a dishonesty. And I can also understand feeling very upset about it.

I'd say, though, the reality is that many parents kind of compartmentalize their relationship, the one they have that's just about the two of them, from their relationship as a family; and their relationship(s) with their children.

That said, too, unless your parents were literally pretending to have a relationship they didn't, I think that's iffy, too. people can be struggling and still have moments of happiness, after all: people can be trying to work things out, and choosing to keep trying, and that doesn't mean they are in a "false" relationship. It sounds like what really happened here is they chose not to tel you and your sister about their conflicts, likely for all the reasons parents don't share those things with their children, including, IMO, some good reasons.

And again, they have effectively two relationships, as parents will tend to: the one they have with each other, and the one they have as a family. It sounds to me like they were committed enough to the latter to either continue it, acknowledging the former wasn't so hot or what either wanted, or making an effort to try and work through the former as much as they could and wanted for the sake of the latter.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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