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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Is it rape?

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Author Topic: Is it rape?
SJ_85
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So I went to a bonfire the other night; it was at my friends house. Eventually me and my friend (also a girl) crashed in the same bed. A couple hours later her bf was next to her and decides to bother me. Eventually he kinda jumps over her without waking her up; this leads to him pulling down my pants and inserting himself (unprotected) into me. I was too scared and shocked and confused by the feelings to say anything; since we're a tight knit group and they've been together for a few years I really didn't want to mess things up; theres enough going on in everyones lives. I neither said no or gave consent, just laid there and took it. He pulled out after a few minutes because he "started thinking with his head" and I guess felt guilty. Long story short, this kid basically saved my *** a few months ago but would occasionally touch or harass me but I just blew it off not really caring or thinking it'd escalate because he knows I'm a lesbian. I feel like it's my fault and I feel awful for this even happening; it was almost 3 days ago now and I don't know if I'm just shoving it in the back of my mind and am angry because last night I couldn't sleep because of guilt pains and anxiety and now I feel like crap. I really don't know what to do. [Frown]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hi there, SJ.

I'm sorry this happened to you: by all means, you're describing a sexual assault here if this guy didn't ask you before removing your pants and engaging in intercourse inside your body.

It also sounds like there's been a bit of a history with this person in terms of harassment.

No matter what, this isn't your fault. YOU didn't rape anyone, nor did you rape yourself. It was this guy who decided and chose to do what he did. Not saying anything when it was happening doesn't make it your fault either: that's a pretty common way people react when they're in shock, which people usually will be when someone is assaulting them, especially someone they trust.

But not saying no isn't saying yes. And asking for consent is something people need to do with their words, not their penis. When someone doesn't ever ask for our consent and does and keeps doing sexual things to us without it, we're talking about sexual abuses or assaults.

You have a lot of options in terms of what you can do, both per reporting or not, talking to certain people or not, and different ways of getting help coping with and healing around this.

Where do you think you want to start?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SJ_85
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I just want to get past this because he's by best friend's boyfriend of over 4 years and seeing this kid is inevitable. Like he'd accuse me of being sexually confused and then I'd feel guilty of my sexual identity and not understand my body's reactions to said violations. I know if I say anything a lot of people will get involved because a lot of people know this kid and my best friend has a really good reputation; right now I don't really feel a lot but I'm not sure if these thoughts will change in the future because I know peoples thoughts develop/expand over time.
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Heather
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Well, the tough news here is that healing from a sexual assault takes time. And if you're trying to do it while still constantly around the person who assaulted you, while saying nothing about it to anyone? It is a LOT harder.

Plus, you're not ever likely to just feel okay about this guy. Really, you shouldn't, and it's be worrying if you did. We shouldn't feel okay about people who choose to do us harm, because that sets us up to continue to be harmed.

I understand how you're feeling here: rape does a lot of hideous things to a person, and when someone rapes you who you know, one of the things it does is that it really messes with your friendships, family, and any relationships where that person is involved. In this case, too, he chose to do something where you're now in a really awful spot when it comes to your best friend.

But again, HE did that: not you. HE chose to create that conflict, not you.

These are your choices, you get to make them. But at the very least I would highly advise you put safety first here. In other words, I'd at least make very sure you are not alone or in any way vulnerable around this guy.

How would you feel about just starting with talking to someone else, besides us,. who can help rape victims, like a hotline or a local rape crisis support center?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Btw, I have to head out for the day shortly. I can talk with you more tomorrow, if you'd like, but are you okay for the might? Do you perhaps have someone in person you can talk to, be it a friend or family member? If not, would you like me to find a hotline for you?)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SJ_85
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Thank you for the help, believe me I rarely accept any form of sympathy but I greatly appreciate it. Yes, I'm at my friend's house for the night but only one of my other friends and the guy know of what happened.
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Heather
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I'm so glad to hear you were able to tell, and get support from, at least one or more of your friends. That's great.

I'm here most days, so if you want to talk more tomorrow or any other day, just leave a post here.

Hang in there tonight, and I hope you can give yourself some good care.

(I don't mean to give you more to worry about, but in the event he wasn't wearing a condom, you might want to get yourself some Plan B, if you can, to help prevent pregnancy. We can talk about STI testing later if you like, since that, unlike emergency contraception, isn't anything you can do anything about right away.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just wanted to check in on you today, SJ, and see how you're doing, and if you needed anything.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SJ_85
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I'm doing well, thanks. How are you? I am lucky to not be pregnant; if I was I'd have less than no idea what to do. Even now I'm still in shock that that happened; partially denial but I know I can't deny what happened because I was there.
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Heather
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I was off this weekend, sorry I missed this!

The things you're feeling are all common feelings and reactions. All the more so when the person who assaulted you was someone you knew and trusted, but in nearly any situation with sexual assault -- with any kind of assault, for that matter -- shock is a biggie, so is denial.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SJ_85
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Like every day I just get more angry and I blame myself more for it even though I know I shouldn't. I told one of my friends from lacrosse but I think he did it because he wanted control of something. I'm just upset and don't know what to do because I don't think this is something that can be fixed.
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Robin Lee
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Hey SJ_85,

I'm sorry that this is so hard on you, and it's really so understandable that it is.

As Heather said above, the healing process after rape can be long. I know; that's not at all fair!

What do you feel like you need to help you with this? Would you like to talk about different places and people you can get support from, besides your friends?

--------------------
Robin

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Heather
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SJ_85: You know, I'm angry on your behalf, too, if it helps to hear that.

But this isn't your fault. Even *if* you blame yourself, even if you did it for years, even if you did it forever, that still won't change whose fault this is and make it yours.

You didn't assault you. This guy did.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SJ_85
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As much as I do want to talk to someone about this, I'm afraid of either not being believed or even worse yet blamed (I still can't believe some situations where guys say "she was asking for it"). One of my friends told me I'd eventually have to get over it, I usually brush things off fairly quickly even if they do "grab at my ankles" every now and again, but lately I've just been angry and perfectionist, though not irritable. I told the guys gf if he ever tells her why I'm mad at him, to smash his face in. Believe me she's much stronger than him and they're having relationship problems. I just really don't know what to do.
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Robin Lee
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It sounds like you really are very resilient, but you also don't have to wait and see if this passes without getting support. [Smile]

People who know what they're talking about around helping people who have experienced sexual assault aren't going to blame or criticize you. Would it be helpful to you if we were to help you find some sexual assault-specific resources in your area?

--------------------
Robin

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SJ_85
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Why thank you, life isn't easy; when you're down, you're not out until you stop pulling yourself along.
And yes, I think it would help. Rage on a daily basis is not a normal thing and any way
to rid of it I'd say is helpful.

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Heather
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Are you comfortable giving us a zip code so we can see what's available in your area?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SJ_85
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Yes, 06441.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think this is the closest center to you for rape victims and survivors: http://www.rapecrisisctr.org/

In the event it's out of reach for you, I'd go ahead and call them anyway, and ask if they know of anything closer to where you are.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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