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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Stubborn friend won't leave a bad guy.

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Author Topic: Stubborn friend won't leave a bad guy.
beatlesfreak94
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Okay, so I'm gonna warn you now-this description is going to be very long, as this situation is very complicated. ~

This all dates back to the beginning of the school year, around October. I am going to call my friend Abby and the man in the story Charlie. Abby and Charlie are co-workers: she turned 17 in January, and he claims to be 22. Initially, Abby came to me for help, saying her co-worker was being inappropriate and that she felt uncomfortable. I told her she should tell him to leave her alone and have one/both of her parents get involved. Her mother told Charlie to back off, as Abby was only 16 at the time. However, Abby eventually became comfortable with Charlie, as he told her that he just moved to the country and has no friends (lies, but I'll tell you about those later). I didn't think it was that big of a deal, until I saw a picture of Charlie. I thought "NO WAY was he 22"-he was bald, had wrinkles, and just gave off a creepy vibe. Abby got mad at my friends and I (we're her best friends, well, we were) and claimed that nothing was wrong and that we should support her. No one stood up to her except for my best friend Chrissy. Chrissy told Abby that she wasn't going to sugar coat anything and pretend to be supportive of her, and so did my friend Gabriella. Abby tweeted about the two of them calling them fake friends and such, and Gabriella confronted her and Abby apologized and begun to confide in her. I guess that Abby was exploited by two boys sexually (nudes), so she's fragile. We were cautious and decided not to say anything, for now.

It's been a few months and Abby and Charlie are moving too quickly (they've done everything but had sexual intercourse), and in our state it is legal what is going on! Abby sends him school girl pictures and he sends her pictures of his genitals. She's been wearing a lot of makeup lately and she's showing off her cleavage. She claims her parents support her now, but that doesn't seem right. (her dad called her slutty once for wearing a skirt, but why isn't he doing anything about Charlie?) She missed Chrissy and I's birthday party, misses team meetings to hang with him at work and she is abandoning her friends. I'm also pretty sure he may have taken advantage of her (she claims to have had a few sips of a margarita and doesn't remember anything, and Charlie ignored her for awhile. But she told Gabriella that she chugged down the beverage). Charlie ignored her a few more times and she would call or text him in class and see if he was mad at her.

I didn't even mention to you that he's been in a relationship for 4 years! His girlfriend is 28 and seems oblivious. Abby claims that she knows, but I am suspicious. His girlfriend and him share a home, and he takes her to work. Apparently his girlfriend has been cheated on before in past relationships, and she has very low self-esteem. Abby told his girlfriend nothing has been going on-she lies to her! Charlie won't change his relationship status to single, even though he changed his name, and claims he doesn't wanna upset his "ex". Abby calls Charlie her boyfriend on Twitter (which his girlfriend doesn't have), yet calls him a "dear friend" on FB and Instagram (which his girlfriend coincidentally uses!). I am worried about Abby, as she claims being exploited twice gives her boy experience. She has confided in me as well, but I get grossed out. She'll talk about hooking up with him at their work in the closet and other gross thing, even though everyone tells her not to talk about it. Three of her best friends, who are also close friends of mine, support her to her face, but talk crap about her behind her back. No one in our group supports it, but only me, Gabriella and Chrissy have said anything about it. I've been so stressed out about this, because there is nothing I can do. I shouldn't care, but I find myself worrying every night if he is going to rape her or something. He is REALLY sketchy-he claims he has no friends in the US, yet he's been dating his girlfriend, a US native, for almost 5 years! He claims he is bald due to stress in his life! Yeah right, he's wrinkly and shady. He texts Abby non-stop! He gives off vibes of being a predator. My friend is blinded by his lies and thinks we're the enemies! We wanna help her, but she thinks we're fake friends. Abby keeps asking me and Gabriella (she isn't really speaking with Chrissy since their altercation) to meet Charlie, but I get creeped out.

Finally, Abby is spoiled by her parents, yet has daddy-issues. Could someone please help my friend!! I'm sorry this is long but you wouldn't get the story if I didn't add every detail. :/

Posts: 5 | From: Northeast, USA | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sheesh, this sounds tangly, indeed.

Can you maybe fill us in on how you've tried to talk with Abby about this? Like, what have you said? And have you given her any resources about controlling, abusive or manipulative partners? If so, which ones?

Can I also ask why you haven't gone to meet this guy? I ask because I'm wondering if meeting him might not a) give her the clue that you are invested in her, and are also open to being wrong about this guy in the case that you were, and b) give you more to know about him so you could perhaps reach her a little better?

Of course, you'd also have the opportunity to find subtle or not-so-subtle ways for the two of you to let him know you know things are up here that are not okay, or that are likely or absolute lies. You could even outright ask him about the situation with his live-in partner, etc.

Also, sounds like her Mom figured out he was hinky before: have you considered talking to her privately, and asking her for help with this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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beatlesfreak94
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I've told Abby that guys sometimes get you things and are not sincere, that she shouldn't base her trust of him on material goods. And I haven't given her any resources, she gets mad if anyone talks poorly of him. I haven't met him because I feel like he's a huge scuzzball and I am worried he'll be manipulative of her and myself in person. When we asked her about his live-in partner, she claims that he broke up with her and that they're living together until he finds a home-I know he's lying because they're still listed as being in a relationship on FB and no girlfriend would let her cheating boyfriend live with her, especially since he's cheating with a minor. Her parents have told her that they wish she was home more, but Abby is so rude to them-she called her mom a bitch and thinks her dad is weird. Her dad is verbally abusive and I think that this has caused her to have daddy issues. I feel like it's not my place to tell her parents how to handle their child, but I am just hurting so much because of this.
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Robin Lee
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So, what i'm hearing here is that the approaches you and your friends have taken haven't really worked and that they appear to have put Abby on the defensive. What do you think about, as Heather suggested, meeting Charlie so you have a clearer read on the situation and clearer things to talk to Abby about? She may be more responsive to your firsthand observations. I'm not sure what you mean when you say you're worried he'll manipulate both of you. If you're in a public place, which is a sound thing to do when meeting someone new, there's really not much he can do to you.

In terms of talking to Abby's Mom, there's a big difference between telling someone how to handle their child and expressing concern to them about their child's welfare and brainstorming with them about ways you can both help.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beatlesfreak94
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I just get frustrated when I see Abby posting pictures on Instagram/Facebook saying "one of my dear friends!" (his gf has those two social networks), but on Twitter she calls him her boyfriend. I didn't mention either that Abby told us that SHE DOES NOT CARE IF HE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP AND DOESN'T MIND BEING IN AN AFFAIR. ~
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Heather
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Well, maybe that is how Abby feels about it?

In other words, it's possible that is how she feels. And clearly, that doesn't mesh with your ethics, but maybe it does with hers. Or, maybe it doesn't, but right now, she's doing something outside her ethics.

I think it might be helpful in this for you to try and kind of weed out what things about this are just really about you feeling bothered or disgusted, etc. and what's about concern for Abby. If you can do that, and set aside the stuff in the first list, and focus on the second, it'll likely be a lot easier to reach her around this.

After all, when people hear or pick up on people's feeling like disgust, they're going to tend to shut the door on that stuff, fast. They are usually a lot more open to concern, when it comes without any judgments.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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beatlesfreak94
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Abby now claims that Charlie is an informant for the CIA and that she's gonna sneak him into the dance (age limit for dance is 21). I am concerned about Abby, I don't want her to get sexually assaulted or pregnant or anything, as this guy clearly isn't committed to her (he's gonna propose to her at the end of the year), but he's still with his current girlfriend and lives with this girlfriend, and Abby is 17 and he makes her feel self-conscious (she wears a ton of makeup and revealing clothes to impress him and she's becoming intimate with him).
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Well, it's certainly Abby's choice if she wants to be intimate with him. If you're afraid it isn't, you can certainly check in with her about whether this is something she wants for herself, and not just to make him happy.

I'm unclear if you mean that the dance is for people aged 21 and older or for people aged 21 and younger.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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