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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Disconcerting Feelings

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Author Topic: Disconcerting Feelings
emsalista
Neophyte
Member # 97637

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Hi, I am not sure if this is the right place to put this. If not, I am sorry.
For a while now, I have had zero sex drive. Not only that, but the idea of having sex scares me and disgusts me. Whenever I have sex, I feel uncomfortable, gross, and weird. I haven't got a darn clue why, and I really hope someone on here might be able to help me.
Just as a background thing, I have only had sex with one guy, and we have been having sex for 3 years (been together for almost 4). Only about a year ago did I start feeling this way. To my knowledge, there was no drastic change in my life at the time. I have been diagnosed with depression in the last 6 months or so (completely unrelated, but thought it might be important to include), and I have been on the Pill for 4 years.
What's wrong with me?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey there, emsalista.

I couldn't say how big a part it's playing in this, but know that depression typically has an impact on people's desire for sex and sexual response. It's very, very common for people with depression to find they feel diminished desire.

Can I also check in about how things are going in your relationship? Since it sounds like we're talking about how you feel when you have sex with this one specific person, have your feelings for this person changed, besides sexually? Any issues in the relationship right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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emsalista
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Member # 97637

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Honestly, our relationship is actually really great. We have the occasional fights (as all couples do), but there are no serious issues. I think he's getting a little frustrated with this whole no-sex thing, but other than that nothing is wrong. And my feelings for him definitely haven't changed in any way.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay. So, it seems like what's most likely is that this is probably related to your depression.

Are you taking any medication for that? Seeing a healthcare provider about it? If so, have you mentioned these sexual issues?

As well, it sounds like sometimes you've been engaging in sex when it isn't something that feels emotionally good to you: do I have that right? If so, every time you do that, it likely is only making it feel worse -- because when we do something that we don't feel good about, it only tends to compound those feelings.

So, at the very least, can you be sure that until this changes, or you find a solution, you're not engaging in any sex you don't really desire yourself, and that DOESN'T make you feel gross, uncomfortable or weird?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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emsalista
Neophyte
Member # 97637

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The only thing I am concerned about with the idea that this probably has to do with the depression is that I have only been depressed for a short while, whereas this has been going on for more than a year. Is that normal?
p.s. to answer your questions: I am not taking medication for my depression, but I am seeing a psychologist. I haven't thought to bring up this particular issue with him, but I am not sure if I feel comfortable doing that.
Yes, I have been having sex even though I haven't really felt like it. I can talk to my boyfriend and request that we don't have sex until I feel this is sorted.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, often with depression, by the time someone actually really notices they have been depressed, they've already been depressed for a while. It's more one of those things that tends to creep up on you, which you only notice once you're seriously in it, if you follow.

I would bring it up with your therapist. Sexual issues are generally issues all therapists have at least some training in, and sexual issues with depression, again, are very common so it will hardly be the first time someone who treats people with depression will have heard about a patient having some issues.

That information can also give them more information to help assess the best treatment for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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emsalista
Neophyte
Member # 97637

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Okay, thank you so much for your help! I really appreciate it.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Sure. [Smile]

And that might not be all there is to this, so we can talk more now or later if you like, but I think starting by seeing if your therapist can't help figure how much of this might be about depression is likely the best starting point.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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