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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » how can I decide if my actual therapist is good for me?

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Author Topic: how can I decide if my actual therapist is good for me?
naplement
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I have changed my psychologist semi-recently (two-three months ago), because she has helped me a lot, but we ended up in a space where I didn't know what to do, she wanted me to start all the conversations and bring my own topics, and I felt that I get too little feedback and we are running in circles. So now I'm going to this new one. As far as I understand, the strategy is to have a relationship (not a romantic one! in the general sense), recreate the kind of disfunctions I tend to recreate otherwise, get through the problems and thus repair what is to repair [he is part of a mainstream current, this is just my simplified version]. The problem is that I feel that I can't even get to ruin things.. they come pre-ruined. Like, he forgot something I asked and made annoying comments again and again (even if they did come from a place of good intentions - but he forgot what I ssaid about the topic). In the last session, I asked him something, he didn't emit a sound, I have repeated my question more and more desperately 'till I could make him voice that he doesn't know the answer... the thing is that I'd be happy with a non-answer answer, but standing there and not being able to make him say a word is very derpessing, I feel ignored and totally irrelevant for him. and we had conversations like this before, he knows I prefer him to voice if he doesn' want to/can't answer something, and he said that my wish to get answered was "legitimate"... but he didn't "feel like answering". And he thinks this disfunction might be useful/interesting, but I think it isn't created by me and thus can't have any value. I am frustrated. And changing therapists is hard and depressing (admitting that I have wasted time and money, and having to tell the basics to a new one), but I don't want to waste too much money and time in a dead end, either. And I already had a relationship with a psychologist that ended in a dead end, so maybe changing again wouldn't help? but maybe it would? :/ do you have any links for , like, checklist for patients? or for therapists, so I could see the difference?

I know I have problems with building trust, that's why I am there in the first place, but I can't believe this is supposed to be this hard even with someone with training. [Frown]

[ 04-04-2014, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: naplement ]

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Heather
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Have you started by first having this conversation with the new therapist, saying all you have said here?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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naplement
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in case this wasn't clear, the old therapist was a woman and the new one is a man, so this makes distinguishing them easy[in writing]. I told them generally about having doubts if this can work, and I have confronted him directly about the non-talking; he said that my need to get a response (even if just one containing the information that he doesn't want or can't answer) is legitimate, he just doesn't feel like responding, and acted like this was something possibly useful. Like the way I have generated this distance in him would be representative of my problems with other people and working on it could help me generally. But I feel that talking with him is harder than talking with others, so it isn't just me who is bringing distance into this.

I don't expect you to resolve all my problems here, just asking if there is any checklist about how terapy should feel like. or how to decide when one isn't worth continuing.

I left him with a "homework" question: of why does he believe this is worth continuing. (I tried to ask this in time of the session too, but got derailed.) I guess if he responds something complex, something showing that this actually matters to him and there are reasons, I'll stay, and if he says that all problems are coming from me, and it should be continued just because maybe it will get better, without telling how or why, then leaving would be easier.

again, I know you can't help too much via internet, I'm mostly here for links? or general advice. sorry if I'm getting too offtopic.

[ 04-04-2014, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: naplement ]

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Heather
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I do not know of a checklist on hand like that, but were I to look for one, I would just Google "checklist therapist," so you can certainly try that yourself!

But honestly, I think your own gut feelings with something like this are reliable. It sounds like you have given this therapist some time, and have tried to resolve some conflict with him, but that was not satisfactory for you when you did.

If you feel like this person is not a good fit for you, I figure you should know!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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naplement
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thank you. have a nice day/evening (whatever it is in America).
Posts: 124 | From: hungary | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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