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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » We lied to you

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Author Topic: We lied to you
Too Old
Neophyte
Member # 80283

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I don't know where the appropriate place to do this is. We are really sorry. We have DID. And Crystal came and posted here but our body is old. After I found out she was posting here I made her stop because I didn't want to be doing anything wrong. I'm not even sure what age she said she was. I didn't even know she existed until a while ago. I am sorry we were dishonest. It's confusing because none of us feel like we are the body's age.

And I'm wondering if there's some place else like this site we can go. Where it won't matter if our body is old. Because I guess we want to ask some questions but we don't know where to ask. And we can't quite get brave enough to ask our therapist yet. And it seems like here that stuff is talked about and it's ok.

And we don't know lots. I guess maybe we never developed much past about 13 or 14.

Anyway, we understand if our question can't be answered because Crystal lied. (She says she didn't lie she told the truth about *her* age). But still it was wrong and we are sorry and we understand if you won't answer our question and close our account.

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Djuna
Activist
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Hello there. [Smile]

I haven't been actively volunteering here for a little while, so I should probably leave your question about age range, and whether or not this site is going to be a good fit for you, for someone else to answer if that's okay. But I do want to reassure you that I read through the other posts made from your account, and it doesn't seem to me that any of those mentioned age. Is it only age that you're worried about?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Too Old
Neophyte
Member # 80283

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Hi. Thanks for replying. Yes, we read what Crystal posted and she didn't tell any lies. The only thing that wasn't true was the date she had for our birthday in our profile. We changed that so it matches the bodies age.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I always wish that for older adults, there was an adult version of Scarleteen, basically, where we could refer people, but alas, to my knowledge, there really isn't.

here's the thing though: it's okay for older adults to use this service, we just ask that a) they understand and respect that people under 25 need to be put first here and b) that if they are able to give a donation to help financially support us, they please do, since older adults tend to be able to pay something, at least, for services provided them when so few younger people have that ability.

I'd just also be clear that while we're totally capable of answering sexuality questions for all age groups, something that we can't do for people of any age is counsel specifically around serious mental illness, because we simply don't have that education and this isn't a sound environment for us to do that in.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Too Old
Neophyte
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Thank you. That's completely fair and I understand. I donated [Smile]

I have a therapist and not expecting that kind of support here.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Cheers. And I also appreciate your honesty, and also recognize what happened was not something totally within your control in the first place.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Too Old
Neophyte
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Thank you.

Ok, I guess I'll go ahead and ask my question.

So, I haven't even liked to think about sex, so I don't know a lot and have only had 1 experience where I gave consent. I did enjoy that. And it was with a female.

But I only know one way to get aroused and has to do with BDSM fantasies. It really upsets me that, that's what arouses me and just makes me feel worse about myself.

I'm just afraid that I'll never be able to get aroused any other way. And I know that for some people BDSM can be a good thing, but I don't think it can. And I'd really like to be able to think about sex in some other way but I wouldn't even know how to start.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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HI There,

How does it feel when you think about that consensual experience you had? In other words, is thinking about that arousing for you? Often discovering what is arousing and pleasurable is a journey; none of us is born with that knowledge, and it can be even tougher when we've had negative and abusive experiences interrupting our own journey of discovery.


I'm wondering if you might find reading this article helpful:

Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

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Robin

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Too Old
Neophyte
Member # 80283

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I can't seem to think about the consensual experience I had. When I think about that I end up thinking about how things ended up with her, about the last time we were together.

Thank you for the link. I learned a lot. Honestly, I wish I could just be non-sexual. I don't really know how to think about sex in a positive way.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can we maybe check if if you mean, by that, that BDSM is an automatic not-positive?

If so, can you talk some about why it doesn't feel or hasn't been positive for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Too Old
Neophyte
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I don't want to seem like I'm judging anyone else. I don't think it's bad for other people.

I guess for us it is an automatic non-positive. As far as why, I don't know. The idea fills me with self-hate and panic.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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No worries about that, I was asking about you.

Can I ask how you're defining BDSM here? I ask that because clearly it's different than other frameworks of sex for you as far as how you feel about it, so I'm curious about why.

For example, is there non-consent involved? lack of negotiation? Things in your head that are happening you're not actually enjoying? People being unkind?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Too Old
Neophyte
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This is all so hard. I do have different feelings about BDSM than other sex but I don't really like thinking about any of it and wish I could just eliminate it from my being. Yeah, I know that's kind of extreme maybe.

I guess it's all about shaming and treating me badly. It's about me getting degraded. And letting it all happen and apparently wanting it.

Ok, and I just made a connection but I'm not sure I can bring myself to see it here. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about it but I can't ever imagine saying it.

Maybe I just need to accept I'm messed up and not try to change things.

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Robin Lee
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Perhaps you could just start by letting your therapist know that you're having these thoughts, but you're not sure if you can verbalize them or not. I imagine that you and she have encountered that before in your work together. *gentle smile*

I do have a question for you: Is being a sexual being something you want for yourself, or something you think you should be? Sexuality plays a bigger or smaller role in each person's life, depending on who they are and what else is going on for them. IN other words, some people are less sexual, some people are more sexual, and some people find that there level of awareness of their sexuality fluctuates.

But if experiencing your sexuality, owning your own sexuality in a healthy way that's just for you, is something you want, you absolutely don't have to accept that it just shouldn't happen for you. Discovering and owning sexuality can be part of your healing and growth just like any other part.

What do you think?

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Robin

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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There's a lot to discuss here, but I'm about to have a day off, so I'm afraid any conversation with me, personally, will need to be on hold.

But I'm wondering if you've read a couple books I think might be useful to you if you haven't:
• The Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haines and
• The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition by Wendy Maltz

If you haven't seen either of those, I'd suggest seeing if your library branch has them or picking up at least one at a bookstore. I don't think that BDSM has to be about being degraded nor something negative, but I also do think that it sounds like before any framework of sex is going to feel or be right for you, doing some research on and work with sexual healing will be important.

Until you do that, it's going to be tough to figure out what is and isn't right for you, to know what you really want and need, and to have a sexuality that's more than just a reaction to or reenactment of abuse. BDSM doesn't have to be that way, at all, but like any kind of sex, it also certainly could be, and it's sounding to me like, for now, you feel for you that it is. And for sure, so long as anything sexual is in that spot, it's unlikely to be good for you or feel good for you.

[ 06-02-2012, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Too Old
Neophyte
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Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I sort of talked to my therapist a tiny bit about this. I don't exactly remember what was said. Then I got so triggered I had to shut everything down and not think about it. So, this is going to be slow. I will try to talk to her about those books and see what she says.

I wish I could just permanently shut this away. I can't imagine walking into a store and buying one of those books. I don't actually believe this is an area I can have healing in. I'm not trying to be pessimistic or get sympathy, I just not something I can wrap my brain around.

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Robin Lee
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You know what? That's totally okay.

Healing is a long road, and sexuality is only one facet of it.
People always have the choice not to be overtly sexual. I'd ask you this though: In wanting to permanently shut this away: is that a choice you're making of your own free will, or something dictated by your pain and fear?

It's important that you work with your therapist on this at a pace that works for you, to ensure that things are kept safe for you. Just a thought: I wonder if a big part of healing is taking back your ability to choose freely for yourself.

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Robin

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Too Old
Neophyte
Member # 80283

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I'm sorry I'm posting again.

I think I would really like to be nonsexual, so I'm not sure why this has been coming up. Except that I guess we started to believe we could be safe and have something healthy with a woman but that all went badly. And I never get away from the nightmares. So yeah, I guess wanting to shut it all away would be a choice based on fear and pain.

I think I see what you mean about choice. If I could choose to be nonsexual I might well choose that. But I'd also be able to talk and think about sex like an adult. I wouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed when that topic came up or dealing with my body. That's what I find so amazing about this site. It's people talking about all this stuff, most of which I don't know even though I'm an adult and it's just ok. It's not... dirty. Blah, I doubt I'm explaining well.

For me, talking about anything sexual has always been an invitation. I only know two ways to function- to avoid completely or to be crude and flirtatious. [Frown]

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Robin Lee
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You don't need to apologize about posting again. This is a place where it's okay to have conversations. [Smile]

Yes, that's exactly what I meant about choice.

You're explaining yourself very well. Your early messages about and experiences with sex left you feeling fearful and believing that sex is dirty. That's powerful stuff that's going to stay with a person.

The books that Heather suggested talk a lot about how to establish that feeling of safety, regardless of what kind of sexual life one chooses for oneself. It sounds like this subject is still pretty triggering for you to explore.

What is it that you would like to do right now around talking about sexuality? Know too that whatever you decide to do right now doesn't mean that you can't make another decision in the future. Does that make sense?

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Robin

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Too Old
Neophyte
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nevermind
sorry

[ 06-27-2012, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: Too Old ]

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Too Old
Neophyte
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I keep feeling drawn back here but I don't know what to say.

I don't think I'm ready to look at those books. Or maybe I should. I haven't mentioned them to my T. My T and I are starting to talk about more specifics about my past. And I guess that means that sexual issues come to the front. I tried so hard to say some things to my T last time but I just couldn't say the words.

My Dad made everything into sexual innuendo. He made so many things "dirty". I think I just need practice talking. I think I need practice not running away from the subject of sexuality... or turning into someone who is a flirt and raunchy and I hate. [Frown]

I just had my birthday. It was awful. I had flashbacks and body memories and I was terrified. I'm remembering more. That makes me doubt myself. I feel like if I didn't remember it all along then it's obviously something I'm making up. My T says I'm finally safe enough to remember. I've been free of my Dad for a bit more than a year now. She says I couldn't process things while he was still in my life.

And... I'm so ashamed of that. That I was still his "friend" well into adulthood. That I didn't even understand how bad things were. That I was still letting him touch me. Gah, just feeling that makes me feel like such a looser.

Hmm... I apparently needed to vent. I almost said "sorry" again. I'm trying to do that less.

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Robin Lee
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HI Too Old,

It's really okay to come here and vent. As Heather mentioned above, we are primarily aimed towards serving young people, so it might sometimes take us a little longer to get back to you. We also know thh tgh that there aren't too many safe, knowledgeable, nonjudgmental places on the Internet. [Smile]

Do you think it would be helpful to you to write a letter about some of your sexual concerns and confusions and give it to your T? This way she'll know that this is something weighing on you, something to address in sessions over time, but you won't have to struggle so much to find the words in the moment.

What we know about abusers is that they have a strong emotional hold over those they abuse, so it's really not surprising, or all that unusual, that you were still friends with your father after you reached adulthood. I'm glad you're able to make your own way now and get help. That's a strong, strong thing you're doing.

--------------------
Robin

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Too Old
Neophyte
Member # 80283

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Hi,

I have talked some about this with my T now. And more about the abuse. It's a lot and I'm having troubles wrapping my brain around it.

I've been sending her emails. Emails about the nightmares I've had and some thoughts about my Dad and we've been talking about them.

I have a question. So if I'm understanding what you all and my T were saying...

I kind of associate anything regarding sex as bad. Well, no, that's not quite right. I mean, I know people have sex, my friends have kids!!! And I don't think them having sex is bad. But anything relating to me and sex is bad, which I know isn't a healthy way to think. BDSM seems especially bad. Some of what I think is bad or that I find... arousing (ick) may be how I'm wired and some of it may be "reenactment of abuse". Does that sound right?

She also said that in abusive situations people will sometimes initiate things. She said there are all kinds of reasons why they might do that. Is that really true?

I'm sorry to keep posting. I really haven't found any place else safe to talk about this. I can't believe I've actually started talking about it with my T.

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Robin Lee
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HI Too Old,

I'm really glad to hear that you've found a way to communicate with your T that allows you to let her know what's going on with you and what you're thinking about without being as threatening to you as it sounds like verbal communication can be.

What we know about abuse is that it's terribly coercive. Abusers know exactly what to say to their victims to get them to go along with whatever they have in mind, and to convince them that telling others would be a bad idea. So,, yes, given the coercive nature of abuse, and the complexities inherent in long-term abusive situations, I'd say your therapist is right on target in saying that sometimes the abused person winds up initiating; in some cases. Would this make more sense to you/be easier to understand and accept if you asked her to discuss it further with you?

There are some well moderated peer-support message boards out there for people who have survived sexual abuse and assault. Would you like me to help you find some?

--------------------
Robin

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Too Old
Neophyte
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never mind

[ 07-12-2012, 02:01 AM: Message edited by: Too Old ]

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Too Old
Neophyte
Member # 80283

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I saw my T last night and I avoided talking about this. No, that's not true. I told her how we found this group and we've been reading and we'd made a post but then I couldn't talk more about it. She was talking about pacing and we don't have to rush it.

I don't know how I feel about a message board for people who have survived sexual abuse. I guess I can check it out. If they can accept us being DID.

This probably sounds really stupid. You all have a really good group here. (That part isn't stupid). I wish I could really belong here. I told my T how I made this post and said I was lying. She said I wasn't. That Crystal really believes she's 14 and she basically said that developmentally we are about that age (at least when it comes to this stuff). Heather said how she wished there was a group for adults. That would be great, but I'd never feel comfortable there. I don't know a lot of the things adults know and I don't... I just don't feel adult in that way.

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Too Old
Neophyte
Member # 80283

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i've been having a really hard time.

I wold be interested in any message board suggestions you have.

Sorry I'm being such a nuisance.

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Robin Lee
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You're not being a nuissance at all, and know that when I suggested other message boards I wasn't saying that you can't come here. WE do understand that it's a safe space for you, and that crystal was speaking to us as a 14-year-old.

Pandora's Project runs a message board with several different forums. How about you just look around and see if it feels like a safe space for you? [Smile]

http://www.pandys.org/

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Robin

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Too Old
Neophyte
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Hi robin,

I just wanted to say thank you. I wasn't sure about Pandy's but I gave it a try and it's been great. I really appreciate the link. My T thinks it's great that I found Pandy's too.

You've been very supportive. Thank you

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Robin Lee
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You're most welcome. I understand the fear of trying something new, and I'm glad to hear that Pandy's has worked out for you.

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Robin

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Too Old
Neophyte
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hi,

I hope it's ok I'm back again. I came back to find the names of the books heather recommended. I might be ready to look at them but I'm not sure. I'm going to email the names to my T and see what she says.

since I was last here I have cut contact with my family completely. I had the first ever safe christmas. it's been a year now since anyone touched me. That's just so weird to think about. But the last few months my ptsd has been horrible. lots of memories around this time of the year and my T says it's safe now, since we aren't around the family, to really remember stuff.

pandy's didn't work out for us in the end, but we found a wonderful DID support group so that's good.

I would like to ask one question here if that's ok?

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Robin Lee
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HI There,

Congratulations on taking the big step of keeping yourself safe from your family! And I'm also glad to hear you found a support group that fits your needs. Healing truly is hard work, and I salute you for doing that work.

You can absolutely ask your question. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

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