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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Just a lot going on right now.

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Author Topic: Just a lot going on right now.
SittingPretty12
Activist
Member # 94883

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Hi all,

I'm writing to you all with a heavy heart, but also a happy one. I have been battling with some mild depression symptoms for about a year and they have finally came to a head. My mom, bless her heart, pulled me aside and told me she can see sadness in my eyes so I confessed everything.

I was dealing the wrong way, especially after a break up with a guy I loved. He dumped me and basically said he didn't care about me romantically. It hurt and I turned to alcohol and poor sexual decisions. Luckily, not many ... But there's been a few. I have noticed that alcohol is the catalyst here, so I've decided to remove binge drinking from my life. Sex isn't my problem, alcohol abuse is my problem. I realize I have put myself at risk.

Here is the next thing that has me hurting -- last weekend I got way too drunk and slept with a male friend. I feel really icky about this. This is because I did it to get over the first guy, but it just made me feel used and stupid. Because this is all a blur, I cannot remember if a condom was used. Trust me, had I been sober, I would have checked a few times. I realize this is poor judgement on my part and I am sick to my stomach with how stupid I was. He was not as drunk as I, so I hope he had enough sense to use one. If he's as smart as I think he is, he did. He has been quite cold toward me since, so asking isnt really an option here. Anyway, obviously my health anxiety has spun out of control and I'm trying to keep it down. I am getting tested in March, but that's so far away.

I'm happy because I found the root of my problem and I'm ready to be clean and sober, but disappointed in the decisions I have made while intoxicated -- trying to mask my feelings. Anybody been where I am? I'd love to hear some success stories! Thanks for all who have read [Smile]

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xo.

Posts: 113 | From: West Coast, Best Coast | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SittingPretty12
Activist
Member # 94883

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Oh, and I should add that the sexual encounter was definitely consensual, it sounds kind of awkward the way I worded it. I'm blaming myself, not him.

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xo.

Posts: 113 | From: West Coast, Best Coast | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI SittingPretty12,

I'm so happy to hear that your Mom has been supportive to you, indeed that she reached out to you. [Smile]

I hear you listing many more positive things than negative here. What do you think it will take for you to overcome your guilt? What steps do you feel you need to take to start helping you with the depressive symptoms you've been experiencing?

It sounds like what is most weighing on you right now is the sexual encounter you had with your friend. What would you like to happen regarding that? It sounds from what you're saying as if you'd like to talk to him, and not just to find out if a condom was used. It is absolutely acceptable, regardless of how cool he might be acting towards you, for you to let him know that you would like to chat about what happened between the two of you last weekend. I can't even begin to guess at why he's treating you cooly right now, but think it's worth remembering that people act all sorts of ways to mask how they're really feeling and that it's entirely possible that he's also feeling awkward.

While being tested (I presume you mean for STIs) wouldn't be effective at this very moment as it can take time for different viruses and infections to show up in your system, I suggest that if you've had a sexual encounter (or more than one) in which you're unsure of the safer sex practices used, that you look into getting tested earlier than March. Doing so might also go a long way towards alleviating your health anxieties.

What kind of support do you have around this besides from your Mom?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SittingPretty12
Activist
Member # 94883

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Hi Robin,

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me! I am very lucky to have my mom in this with me.

I actually don't know, I have decided to cut out binge drinking so that I can make better decisions and NOT feel guilt anymore. My mom told me it makes her sad that I have low self-esteem and she's right. I used to be really confident, but I feel like I've lost that. I know I have to get it back. I'm taking very small steps by just not obsessing over how I look in the mirror and just trying to de-clutter my mind with negative thoughts. Easier said than done, but I really think I can do it!

Well, I did ask him if things were awkward and he said no. We've chatted very briefly recently, but not like we were the day before I went into town. We were texting constantly. I guess he got what he wanted and decided to move on. He might also be feeling guilty. I wonder if he's worried about STIs too, haha. He's in the military and asked to be deployed soon, so it is possible he's concerned about his health before deployment. Who knows? I don't really care to talk to him because I'm frustrated. I gave him
a way to talk to me and he didn't take it.

I was just tested in November after ANOTHER encounter with someone I had while under the influence. I lost a lot of sleep over that. I get myself in this cycle. I am very embarrassed and ashamed to admit this, but I am terrified of HIV/AIDS. If you click on my history, you can see it. I know it's ridiculous. It also got worse because I just got sick a few days after this all happened -- which is too soon, but sometimes I can be illogical. It stems from a bad relationship where I heard rumors my ex was using IV heroin. Shortly after that relationship, I got REALLY sick for 6 weeks. It just turned into something horrible. In a way I am grateful because it scared me into being safe, but I also hate it because I worry.

That's why I'm waiting until March -- I want an accurate blood test.

I don't really have a lot. My friends are in a different state, so they're not really around. I don't want to burden them with this. I have my mom and my step-dad which is nice. I also have a very close male friend, but he's in Colorado. We chat often and he was really happy for me when I admitted my depression/anxiety. He told me it's not a big deal and that it's great I know it.

PHEW! I'm sorry that's so long. [Smile]

--------------------
xo.

Posts: 113 | From: West Coast, Best Coast | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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