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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » The Kinky Closet

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Author Topic: The Kinky Closet
IronKitten
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I’ve stuck my nose around this forum for a bit and haven’t found any sort of support group about this subject, so here goes.

Recently, within the past five to six months or so, I have come to terms with my sexual identity in that I am a sexual submissive/masochist. I say ‘come to terms’ because prior to my research on the subject, I was closed-minded and viewed such subjects as disturbing and even repulsive; I realize now how wrong I was, and I’m quite embarrassed by the fact that I used to think that way. Ever since I discovered this side of myself, I’ve became far more open-minded than I ever was before: After all, I can’t make judgements unless I know what is being spoken about!

But, I digress. Now that I’ve figured this out, I’m at a bit of a loss: I, of course, got my close-minded view from most of my family, and though my step-sister is more lax about subjects in the field of sexuality than the rest of my family, I’d still rather wait before ‘coming out’ to her. I have no friends close enough to admit this to, and I do not have (nor have I had to this point) a boyfriend.

As it stands, I’m slowly getting more and more frustrated. I have no one to talk to, to confess to (as much as I hate to use that term because it almost makes BDSM sound dirty). I don’t want to walk around with a sign on my chest reading ‘I’m a masochist’, but I want to free myself from this isolation. I know, of course, that there are plenty of people out there like me—I just feel I don’t know any of them. I feel like I have no one to relate to, and I’m afraid to tell those with whom I can’t relate because I’m afraid they’ll judge me.

So, here’s a thread for people like me—young kinks who might or might not know a lot about their sexuality and who feel confused, alone and isolated, and in need of support. Stories of people, too, who have already come to terms with themselves and ‘come out’ are greatly appreciated, as are hints on doing it.

Don’t have a clue what I’m talking about? Here are a few links.

http://sexsupport.org/bdsmforyoungadults.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_BDSM_terms

Let’s support one another and assure one another that we’re not alone in the world: Because being stuck in the kinky closet can be just as painful as being stuck in the homosexual one.

--------------------
"People take different
roads seeking fulfillment
and happiness. Just because they're
not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost."
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Posts: 8 | From: Ohio | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snail
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Amen! And just to put in my two cents, sexual orientation--all of it, including kinks/tendencies/preferences like BDSM--is set very early! Just as research shows that homo-, hetero-, and bi- sexuality is set from a very early age, stuff like BDSM is shown to be, too. This, above all else, was the most comforting and helpful fact for me in coming to terms with my own sexuality.

Personally, I've known I was into bondage and other BDSM stuff since I was about 7 years old--I used to read Nancy Drews and especially cherished the ones where she'd get tied up and other such scenarios. I thought about them when I went to sleep, and it cured some insomnia/nighmare problems I was having, although it left me with the lasting sense of guilt, that I was doing something wrong, unclean, sinful, etc.

I swear, I thought I was the *only* person in the whole wide world who was so weird...but of course the internet (especially fanfic; bless you, fanfic!) eventually showed me I wasn't alone! When I was about 16 I figured out I was a lesbian, that it was okay, etc etc. Soon after that, I worked out that my "tendencies" weren't wrong or even particularly rare.

Now I'm just 18, and I've never really had a date or a sexual encounter or a chance to express that part of my sexuality. But I'm waiting patiently. ;P

And lord yes, being in closets feels sucky and lonely. I so want to talk to people about it! Coming out as a lesbian was an intensely liberating experience, and though it had and has lots of rough patches, I would (and do) do it again and again. The kink closet...is trickier, isn't it? I have no idea how to handle that one, or if I should come out of it at all.

But I am glad to have someone to talk to! [Smile]

--------------------
What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains.

~Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire, 1947

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IronKitten
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Nancy Drew, huh? *laughs* For me, it was Wonder Woman. My mom was a big fan of the comics and had all kinds of related books…she was always tying people up or being bound by a villain. And Catwoman, too—I went through those comics like they were candy and never really connected it with kink until recently. And looking back on it now, especially considering the fact that my favorite fantasies were always overshadowed with a vaguely 50’s house-wife theme, I can see how I’ve been like this for a long time—I’ve just been suppressing it.

Oh, God bless the Internet. Like I mentioned, I’ve been researching like mad for months (God also bless my private laptop that nobody looks on but me [Razz] ), and it’s been so relieving to know that not only am I not alone but, like you mentioned, it’s a perfectly natural, set thing.

God, what a relief it is to not feel completely alone…it’s rough to feel so isolated. I think with the kink closet, you come out to the people you feel you need to come out to—people who would probably work it out for themselves if you didn’t tell them. Very, very close, understanding friends, lovers (obviously [Big Grin] ), any particularly attentive and understanding family members who need to understand ‘yes, in fact, that is a mark, no I did not ‘run into a door’ or ‘fall down the stairs’, and no you don’t, need to call the police’. [Smile]

And you're right, it's a real relief to have somebody to talk to. ^_^

[ 08-05-2007, 01:50 AM: Message edited by: IronKitten ]

--------------------
"People take different
roads seeking fulfillment
and happiness. Just because they're
not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost."
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Posts: 8 | From: Ohio | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snail
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Exactly right about the kink closet--a need-to-know basis sounds the best. At this point I reckon my family doesn't need to know, although I do wish I could talk to my sister about it: we're very close and discuss everything. But she's also very judgmental and quick to judge behaviors as "bad" or "gross" or "deviant," so I know that's just not wise.

I reckon trying to suppress it is pretty normal; there's such a social stigma against kinks and stuff. I remember always having a feeling that it was "wrong," but I had way more neuroses about sexual behavior and not-liking-boys and liking-girls, so I could prevent myself from thinking about it too hard. Plus, fantasizing and such really helped and helps me get to bed--I would get NO sleep at all to this day without it--so I just had to decide it was wrong but practical. The only rub was that at about 10 or 11 I figured I'd have to go to hell. ;P

It's a shame that this is all such taboo around most folks. I can't wait to go to college next year, not really because I'm super-keen on relationships and sex, but just to be around people who are likely to openly discuss sexuality. To feel less lonely!

[ 08-05-2007, 03:05 AM: Message edited by: snail ]

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What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains.

~Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire, 1947

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Emily 249
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Oh man. The good ol' kink closet. Being ten years old and trying to figure out why whips fascinated me so much was tons of fun, let me tell you.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a submissive masochist, but it's not something I advertise. The first time BDSM came up in conversation with my friends words like "disturbing", "wrong", and "perverted" were thrown out there. Someone said that any form of BDSM was abuse and that submissives were sick. A particularly open-minded friend suggested that BDSM practices should be outlawed. When I mentioned tiny, unimportant details like consent, they all looked at me like I had sprouted antlers. That about killed any inclination I may have had to casually mention my tastes. My relatives woud probably be mortified, so I'm not in a hurry to get that conversation out of the way. I'm fair skinned and mark easily, so I've had to resort to some creative cover up measures at times. Things would just be so much more convenient if we could some how get rid of the stigmas and misconceptions.

Personally, it makes me more conscious about sexual compatibility. My partner and I are both into BDSM, and -- as politically incorrect as this may sound -- I'm not sure I'd enjoy myself physically with someone who isn't. I can see this causing some problems down the way, but really, there's not much I can do about it. Might as well look at it as good motivation to stay honest. [Smile]

Oh, and just to satisfy my own curiosity, has anyone else here been stuck explaining different marks during a doctor's visit? Wow, can that be awkward...

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someonesangel13
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I never felt I was ever in the closet. My friends are very open minded, and we support each other no matter what.

I believe that if you do decide to tell someone, they should support you. Whether you are lesbian, gay, bi, into BDSM or anything else that you feel makes you different.

I am bisexual. I never really "came out". Again, it sort of happened. When I had a girlfriend at school, I acted the way I wanted to, and let everyone else get over it. I never did exactly broadcast my sexuality, but I would NEVER hide it.

I believe that your family, especially parents, may not need to know that you are a masochist, at least not yet. Dont tell them unless you feel you are ready. And, when you do tell them, ask them not to judge you. You may even have to explain what it is. I know many parents that do not understand the term "bisexual". Weird, isnt it?

Hope this may have helped someone.

--------------------
SA13

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snail
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quote:
has anyone else here been stuck explaining different marks during a doctor's visit? Wow, can that be awkward...
[Razz] Nope, no marks to explain yet, though luckily (not to brag or anything) I seem nigh-unbruiseable. I banged my shin so hard once that I felt a bruise for weeks--nothing visible at all. Quite a difference from, say, my sister, who bruises if I look at her funny, poor gal.

I do have a time explaining some of my odder and more childish behaviors, though: during physics class I'd swipe pens off my friend's desk until she would exasperatedly seize my wrists (very, very hard) and pry them out. "How the hell do you have no pressure points?!" [Roll Eyes]

Speaking of which, I've a bit of a question--while our sexual preferences may be easy to keep "in the closet," so to speak, do you all find that you have a "submissive personality" or a "dominant personality" in other aspects of life? I know that not all people carry that part of their sexuality into other facets of life, but I find that I do: for instance, despite being considered by most adults a rather mature young person (...or so they say), in my groups of friends I always fall into the role of juvenile, naive, childlike; someone to be taken care of. I am drawn to strong personalities and people who will order me about--in a friendly way, of course--while I've never had success in telling anyone to do anything. ;P I tend to find my sub nature very hard to difficult in the closet, it's such a part of me.

[ 08-11-2007, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: snail ]

--------------------
What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains.

~Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire, 1947

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IronKitten
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I’m totally with you there, snail. I find my personality coming out in every day life; it always has. Especially lately, and it’s been getting in the way of my personal life. *laughs* All the guys who ask me out are very…submissive. They’re the type to let their friends walk all over them, and not in the good way. As a result, I’ve never had a boyfriend. [Big Grin] All my closest friends are fairly aggressive people, too, and I usually search them out in a group and cling to them.

I wouldn’t say I need to be taken care of, per se, but I would say that it makes me really happy, really fulfilled, to make other people happy and to make their lives easier. Now, that’s not to say I wouldn’t mind being taken care of—it sounds like a sweet deal, if you ask me, and if I find the right guy to do it, I’m all for it—but it’s not that part that shows up so much in my everyday life.

The things that raise eyebrows are usually the penchant for shoes and the things I’m willing to do to help other people.

Mostly the shoes. [Big Grin]

--------------------
"People take different
roads seeking fulfillment
and happiness. Just because they're
not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost."
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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Starfire&Shadows
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Nice to meet you guys. I'm an in the closet sub. I used to think it was wrong as heck, too . some of the discussions at my school...


Unfortunately, I bruise rather easily, so explaining to my mom was interesting... but I was doing some heavy lifting for rock-work at the time.

Thank you for posting this message board by the way.

--------------------
We are all made of Star Stuff...
-Carl Sagan

...Their eyes beheld, first of all things, the stars of heaven.
-Silmarillion

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Ametrine
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I "confess" to having a pony play fetish. like some of you have mentioned, looking back at my childhood, it was pretty obvious. (19 now)
Overall i am a very kinky person. Vinilla sex interested me for about a year after i first learned what sex was. Fortunately i had a much eaiser time with my kinks then my sexuality (lez). The only information i was fed was just enough to get me to go do research and get the truth the first time around.
I absolutely want to try flogging, giving and recieving, but have yet to find anyone to play with.
Any partner i end up with is going to have to be into some kind of kink. A while ago i found a sexual horoscope on the internet, and lo and behold, my sign was the kinky one!

oh, that felt good to get those thoughts off my head.

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jenny2468
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i dont know whether i agree to being in the kink closet. with my current bf i discovered that i enjoy having 'pain' inflicted on me, spanking, biting, etc. nothing too severe (yet).

anyway, although i enjoy the kink, im not sure if im in the closet in the sense that i dont particularly need to tell people (ie family and certain friends) about it. may i ask out of interest why you want to tell your family about it? i have a few friends who i discuss more personal sexual issues with, such as the more unusual things, perhaps im lucky to have that...

in my case i started with something a little lighter, for example, i love it when my boyfriend bites my neck (lucky its winter and acceptable to wear scarves!) but when a friend noticed a mark, i told her it turns me on when he does it and so neck biting, which i think is quite common is seen as acceptable, so if they dont pull a face when you tell them about that, perhaps dig a little deeper into what you enjoy doing.

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SoupChef
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I've kind of realized that I'm kind of an in-the closet dominant kind of person. I've never actually had sex with anybody - but my fantasies tend to really revolve around that kind of stuff. I come from a really conservative family, so I had (and still have) a lot of sex guilt, I guess.

I'm glad that there are people on here willing to discuss this kind of stuff.

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Windy-La Raindrop
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Yay! Fellow kinky folks! I've thought about so much of this, and although I thought I was a sub for a while, I realized that I just *really* like the idea of being tied up. It took me a few experiences that the idea of tying my girlfriend up excited me just as much. Talk about confusion- I'm not as weird as I thought I was. *giggle*

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I'm not as random as you think I salad.

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xxdinosaurrrr
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i have discovered my inner "kink in the closet"

thanks to my boyfriend.

i really love it when he bites me, ties me up, && blind folds me.

im so glad i discovered this :]

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oOo Lea oOo
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To each their own, I say. Honestly, I think everyone has a little "kinky" side. I think it's normal to get tired of the same sexual routine. It's necessary to try new things in those moments. Its fun to be creative. Everyone has certain things they like or dislike in these situations. The likes that I speak of are nothing to be ashamed of, what ever they may be.

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

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MudPuppy
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I'm only a teenager and I've never even properly dated anyone but I think about stuff like that a lot. I don't think that my thoughts are wrong but I don't mention them to anyone, and I don't know if I'd even do anything like that in real life. I'm not really sure whether I'm dominant or whatever... in normal life I'd say I'm more submissive but in the strange thoughts I have I'm the dominant one.

--------------------
"We held on to hopes of better days coming/ And when we did we were right!"

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VisualMadness69
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I love BDSM though nothing really hard core and I don't like the blindfold aspect cause I just can't get me to trust someone enough to tie and blindfold me. I've never had an issue in telling people and I've never had marks to "explain" or w/e ... I just tell my friends that I want to tell when the topic comes up or if something comes up that could lead to the topic. I have some friends into heavy BDSM where she wants to bleed from being whipped and stuff. I have a submissive personality but its mainly in the bedroom and in real life, in every day situations, im a shy person until I get comfortable around the people and all. I don't see any reason to tell my family, I've already done some things in the past to cause them enough stressful worry they don't need to know this kind of side of me. I don't see anything wrong or shameful about BDSM and I even go to a Renaissance Festival a few times a year that has a flogging post and you can get flogged and you can buy a whip or two or however many you want. I haven't been with a single guy that was against the idea of doing BDSM things though some have been more submissive about trying it then others, I found I love to have sharp nails dragged down my back a few times more then I like being bitten and all. It's a lifestyle I enjoy and people probably wouldn't guess so from looking at me but I think this is something that is easier to talk about and come out about then sexual orientation.
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snail
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Been quite a while since I last posted, but I've come upon an interesting problem. I dunno if this is the right place to say it, but I just kinda wanna know if I'm the only one.

So yep, I'm a sub, and I'm into rough stuff, but also I have struggled before with self-injury (cutting/bruising/burning) and that sort of thing. Almost infallibly when I injure myself it's not really a sexual thing, it's just a bad coping mechanism that relieves stress or low self-esteem or whatever. =/ Probably because of my proclivities I don't really mind the pain as long as it helps me with my emotional state.

Now, I'm kind of out of the SI closet, at least to all my closest friends, including the two partners I've had. The first partner refused point-blank to hurt me because of this, and I was careful to never bring the subject up again. I truly don't want to use people as implements of my self-injury--in fact, when others hurt me it's less about punishment and more about pleasure, but it still can stifle the urge to hurt myself later. My next partner happily bites me until I bruise very nicely, though, so maybe the first just wasn't into it and didn't want to say so.

--------------------
What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains.

~Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire, 1947

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adiemus
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Yes! I have been looking for this for so long.

I've known about my submissive tendencies for years, and recently I've realized it's become quite unbearable to keep hiding that part of myself. It's complicated for me because while I feel intensely drawn to submission emotionally, I'm not interested in sex anytime in the foreseeable future, but that seems to be the only context in which I find what I am looking for. It's really more of a state of mind thing for me, something I feel a need for more than just something to spice up my sex life - something in me that craves acknowledgement, which brings me to...

quote:
I know, of course, that there are plenty of people out there like me—I just feel I don’t know any of them. I feel like I have no one to relate to, and I’m afraid to tell those with whom I can’t relate because I’m afraid they’ll judge me.
This, yes. There's such a BDSM community online, yet none of it's really connected to me. And I don't know many people (or any, really) that see it as not sexual at all, which means, well. I guess I have to be the deviant one even in a subculture. (Yay for nonconformity! Sigh.)

quote:
being stuck in the kinky closet can be just as painful as being stuck in the homosexual one.
Amen! as snail said. Yet it's so hard to find support group-type things for kinky youth the way there are for GLBT youth; I've gotten involved in GLBT groups instead because, one, support sexual freedom, two, I expect them to be more open-minded in general...but it still doesn't feel like a place where you can talk about this.

So,
quote:
bless you, fanfic!
yes, exactly. I've known about my submissive tendencies for years, but what really helped me come to terms with them was the Internet (which is why I get really mad when people try to censor the Internet for minors. Learning above fear-mongering!) And now that I'm more self-aware, I can look back to when I was really young and see clear inclinations manifesting even then. It's really kind of fun. It seems I always had kink goggles, even if I wasn't aware of it...

And this is really interesting.
quote:
do you all find that you have a "submissive personality" or a "dominant personality" in other aspects of life?
Yes. Oh yes. Especially since "other aspects of life" is really all that I have. It's funny, because I've always been very "rebellious" and I still am, but now I can integrate it - the parent-child power dynamic is non-consensual! - so that's why I have a problem with the whole "I know better than you, so I have to protect you from yourself" thing. Especially because that leads to Internet censorship. Bad!

I remember reading something a while ago (online) that commented that BDSM people seem to be more active against abuse of power and injustice because they're more aware of power dynamics in general, and I was like yes. Just yes. Because I've always been about the unfairness of things, about respecting everyone's choices and differences equally.

And at the same time, there's stuff like this: in elementary school, we do some historical enactment thing, and we're supposed to bow/curtsy to the teacher, and I'm like "why can't we do this all the time? why does it have to be like this, with no one taking it seriously?" And I think it only worked like that because I knew the teacher personally. It has to be personal. I guess that's kind of why religion doesn't do it for me; I can't bring myself to believe in a personal god and even if I could, they're not right there. The lines aren't delineated.

And now, I have a high school environment where I'm faced every day not just with the typical innuendo battles, but with a particular group of friends who I would say are kinky in only the way a group of boys could be, except I don't know any other group of boys who act like that. This one person is, to make a long story short, just manhandled all the time. Pushed into headlocks, arm twisted until they cry out in pain - except it's all theatre, the way they interact. But I can't help looking and thinking "why can't I have that?" and it's well nigh unbearable. To the point where I've finally told exactly three of my friends - starting, yes, with that one person. I'm like, why are we always so scared of being awkward? Although I had to be prompted - and I'm so grateful I was - to say it the first time. And it hasn't really come up since - except.

Except this. Yesterday, I say something kind of loudly, without thinking, that my friend really wanted me to keep quiet, and she's like "come here." And I'm like "what?" (I would, but it's kind of like an ingrained "be careful! don't follow orders too quickly or it'll be awkward!" thing) and she's like *gesture* "come here." So I do, while my other friend (and these are two of the three that know, conveniently) says "no. you can't backhand her."

Oh. And then she replies, "I'm not going to." And the mental fog clears, but inside I'm going "why not?" all vaguely disappointed and almost petulant, what on earth. Like, "it would at least make me feel better."

And then today, we do a drama game where two people are supposed to be "dead bodies" that another two people, who are supposed to be detectives, move around in a reenactment of how they died. And I get to be a dead body. (Lol.) Except the person moving me, he's holding my wrists really hard, and I'm like *mental fog.* And afterwards my friend playing the other dead body says, "Being a dead body is no fun." And I'm thinking, but I love being a dead body! Ah, life.

And then we're rehearsing a scene for a play, and my friend (the first one I told, coincidentally...) says something along the lines of "I want some answers and I want them now!" except then he stops, says "wait," grabs me by what would be my "lapels" and repeats the line. And I look down and forget my line.

And it really makes me happy that these things happen; it's just also really hard being so desperate all the time.

And this is probably the longest post in the history of TMI. Oh well, sorry for the thread necromancy (I don't know if the original posters are even still around) but I guess I am using the thread for its purpose. So while I'm at it, I might as well respond to snail's most recent post too, right?

I'm not so familiar with SI, although I'm really familiar with the emotional angst that can factor into it. If you've ever read the book An Unquiet Mind, sometimes I feel like that. It might be interesting to you, I don't know. But more of my actual experience with trying to hurt myself has been for this kind of reason; I've found that a spring (like from a pen) can be barely long enough when stretched out to hook around my wrist and dig in painfully. But it might also cut off circulation, and I'm not so sure it has the desired effect anyway. Just, you know, desperation. Obviously.

And re coming out, I can offer the way I've done it, the three times I have: I wrote a stream-of-consciousness type thing several months ago, just for myself when I was feeling really depressed about being in the closet about it, and it was a kind of exploration of the possibility of coming out, how, the pros and cons. It was really more of a "well I have no idea how I'd even do this" kind of thing, but I ended up handing it to my friends and just letting them read it. Responses haven't been too bad so far, although it's still really hard to work up the courage. It's getting easier, though. So that might help, writing it. Sometimes communicating through writing is easier than talking. (Case in point: the Internet!)

Anyway. Thanks for reading, if you got this far; if you didn't, I totally understand. I never write this much. If only I could do this for essays...

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the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead

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adiemus
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And yes, this distracts me from my studies. It's really hard. I'll shut up now.

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the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead

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Haleylynn
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As a teen who has not yet had a dating/serious relationship, i have yet to try many things related to BDSM, however that doesn't mean i don't want to! The idea of bondage has always fascinated me; i remember reading of all things a novel set in 1600's england in which the main character was bound, whipped, and nearly raped, and later having problems legitimizing to myself my newfound feelings. The idea of recieving slight to moderate pain is really sexy in my opinion.
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adiemus
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This is interesting - some useful stuff, some sympathetic anger-provoking situations: Collar Factory - BDSM?

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the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead

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mizchastain
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I don't know if mine is an unusual case. I call myself asexual and am mostly uninterested in having a real-life sexual relationship. I still have a distinct interest in adult fiction, though about 80% on a purely academic level. I do have some very specific kinks which I'd rather not go into in detail about (nothing that couldn't be safely and legally tried in real life if I was so inclined) for which I enjoy seeking out material, but I have no or very little real inclination to try them in real life. Given that I know plenty of people are interested in activities that couldn't possibly be tried in real life and are perfectly happy with not attempting them for real, I don't feel this is abnormal, but I'm guessing it would be hard to explain to people.

I've actually spoken to two people who feel similarly - my best e-pal and someone else I know vaguely on a blog site - so I know it's not unknown and feel reasonably comfortable with it. (Though in the case of the e-pal it made the crush I had on him much worse - apparently I'm not aromantic, and that was about the worst possible way to find out, particularly when I found out that he wasn't either and already had a girlfriend >_< Still, we're still good friends, and that's more important to me.)

[ 12-05-2010, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: mizchastain ]

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Kawani3792
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I sort of figured myself out through an...adult story site...there was an amazingly well-written story featuring a woman who is introduced to BDSM through a man she met at a nightclub. The entire thing is a well-written account of this woman discovering that she is attracted to women, enjoyed pain and bondage, and was basically a natural sub. I found out that way that while I wasn't interested in pain, I was interested in the idea of bondage. I think it's mostly the idea of trusting someone enough to give them that level of control. (which is why my first few experiments have been just me, and not tying my hands. I might not be able to die from embarrassment, but if I tied myself up and had to call a family member to untie the knots...I'd sure try to sink into the floor)
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adiemus
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mizchastain - that's interesting, I could say our situations are extremely similar except for the wanting to try it in real life part. This reminds me of a book I read on fandom, I think, in which the author confessed to being as personally interested or invested in scholarly study of the subject as some people were in fandom itself - what could be called "meta." Is it as if you rely on the fictional stuff, like if you didn't have access to it would you feel you were missing something? Because that's kind of like how I felt a couple of years ago.

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the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead

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mizchastain
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If I didn't have access to the fiction I'd feel I was missing out, yes, but I'd feel that way about non-sex-related fiction as well. Reading and writing fiction of various types is the main way I pass my spare time. Fanfic and the related community was a lifesaver for me in my teens, though I didn't start on the adult-rated stuff until I was sixteen and that was mostly because someone told me some particular pieces were so badly-written they were funny and I wanted to see if it was really that bad. Didn't get into actually LIKING them for another couple of years. I hit physical puberty quite early, but I don't think the psychological effects caught up until later.

[ 12-07-2010, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: mizchastain ]

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adiemus
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Ah. I think what really drew me to fanfic was my desire to explore characterization and "how would these characters react in this kind of situation?" The "what if" freedom. And that's still an essential part of my interest. But I think the life-saving aspect for me was more the openness with regards to, well, kinky stuff. It remains a way to explore that part of myself when there's really no other way, and it's just interesting.

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the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead

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mizchastain
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I was really drawn to it because I had few friends and a craving to write. But I'm getting off-topic.

I recall I first heard about BDSM via the Darwin Awards when I was twelve (the story involved a hotel fire, 'nuff said). Probably not the best introduction to the concept, but then I got that the whole point of that story was How Not To Do It. I was completely baffled as to why anyone would do that, but I don't remember ever thinking of it as anything bad or wrong. I have Aspergers and at the time pretty much everything about sex baffled me. Took me several years to get the appeal, and it's still not something I'd personally try, but I think even then I grasped "it's okay if they asked you to do it".

[ 12-09-2010, 02:48 AM: Message edited by: mizchastain ]

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Destinee Carols
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I clicked on this topic out of curiosity and I didn't read all the posts, but the first few I did were enlightening.

I had been thinking about this just yesterday, how there were two things in life that I like that I saw signs of from when I was a child: food, and probably in some way a degree of sexual submission.

I remember playing with the single Barbie I owned (I was more into stuffed animals than dolls) and she would have done something wrong, and I would insist that she be punished by having her clothes taken off and spanked. When I was in grade seven, I stumbled upon porn and my interest was further fueled by images of women tied up and whipped...

I've never been in a relationship sexual enough to bring this up but I would enjoy, I think, a few sessions being tied up, blindfolded, completely at the control of another (safeword allowing).

That said, I also know I have control issues (giving it up) in my life in general so the sub mindset is probably linked. [Smile]

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happylovetime
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Hello. I just skimmed everything. It is hard to talk about the kink closest with people. I am thankful I have a bf that is willing to try things. I knew that I was into sexual things sionce fifth grade, just never knew how to act upon them. Dont want to be too graphic but humping my stuff animals would be what I did when I got "dirty thoughts".

I love the bondage, even went to a three hour thing where you learn simple knots to tie people up in with my bf. Some time later, got some rope, and now can have fun. [Wink] I also noticed that grwoing up I like to be dominate which is probably why I like to have complete control over my bf. But do like to made submissive from time to time. And I noticed that reading master x slave always captured my imagination. It is fun to be dating a guy that likes some pain. It is nice to see other people are into things that are fun and interesting to do.

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Beni_H.
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I've been into BDSM since maybe the 4th grade - thats when i learned of it.....i started connecting myself to it by 6th or 7th. I'm a submissive/slave, and i'm scared and confused, not of myself - i fully accept who i am and what i like PROUDLY [Smile] - but of society and the people around me. My vanilla family found out and it didn't end well. the "talk" was extremely damaging. Now i'm really trying to find people also in 'the bdsm society/scene' who are willing to talk to me....I don't know who to turn to or where to start.


.......its cool to find a place where others think alike....

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"If We Stand Together We Will Be Unbroken."

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JackT
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I've had submissive fantasies for as long as I can remember... I didn't really feel any guilt until my mid teens, then I thought there was something wrong with me. I'm finally trying to get it into my brain that there is nothing wrong with me, and that what I think doesn't make me a bad person. I wasn't raised religiously, but I still developed masterbation guilt. I guess it's just a fear of losing control... but I'm getting better at just remembering that there's nothing wrong with it.

As far as coming out and telling people about my kink, I'd leave that on a need to know basis, like if it was to affect any relationships. I'd never here the end of it from my friends, and since I live in a small town, everyone would find out. People around here aren't quite known for being open minded, and that's fine, I wouldn't expect them to understand. I'm fine with it being my secret.

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ImaRocketDog2
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Hmmm, personally, I'm still kind of trying to figure out if I'm a truly "kinky" person or not, although I do subscribe to the belief that everyone is at least a little bit kinky deep down [Wink] But, being 19 years old, still a virgin, never having been in a real relationship or even been so much as kissed yet, I feel like I won't know for sure just how kinky I am unless I at least have SOME experience first. To be honest, I never really spent much time thinking about myself in terms of kinkiness until recently, and it probably has a lot to do with a particular guy friend of mine that I like who has an admitted bondage fetish (I'd be lying if I said thoughts of him and bondage together haven't cropped up in my fantasies before...). And now that I have started thinking about it, I think a good part of my confusion over my "kink potential" has to do with not feeling entirely dominant or submissive. So if it turns out upon actually becoming sexually active, that I AM a bit kinkier that I thought I was, I'll probably be more of what I guess is called a "switch."

Don't get me wrong, though, it's not like I'm feeling deeply conflicted over this or anything like that; I've always been open-minded and even before I started thinking of myself as being a bit "kinky" I was aware that people liked to do this kind of stuff with each other and I didn't see anything wrong with that. In fact, for some reason the thought of associating stuff like bondage and whips and stuff like that with sex never seemed odd to me at all, and more often than not I would subconsciously make some kind of tiny connection to sex whenever I'd see that kind of stuff in books/movies. I have no idea when I started doing that, but I must've been pretty young because I thought everyone thought like that and no one thought it was weird at all!

I feel like I've had some level of awareness of the idea of kink for as long as I can remember, and I have no idea when I first learned the term "BDSM" (although I used to think it was spelled BSDM, lol XP), but it wasn't actually that long ago that I found out that there's a lot of people who don't even know what it is and that came as a shock. I thought everyone knew! Although, to be fair I do have a habit of looking up random stuff when I'm bored, so I think ending up on the "weird part" of wikipedia and learning a bunch of BDSM terms about a year or 2 ago (before I started considering myself as kinky) did kind of put me at an advantage to those people.

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Kirk/Spock: A better love story than Twilight since 1966

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