posted
apologies in advance for the marathon post.
i'm studying abroad for a semester and in the meantime am maintaining a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. a few months ago, i cheated on him with a friend, but because i was drunk i've been left feeling horribly confused as to the extent that this was my fault, as well as feeling violated and traumatised by the whole incident.
this happened a few days after i had said goodbye to my boyfriend, and i was quite upset and lonely. some of my travel plans had fallen through, and so i'd arranged to visit my friend and stay at his place for a night. i had always been attracted to him but certainly never intended on doing anything about it.
that night, i hung out with him and his friends and got sloppy drunk, in part at his urging (not that i'm not responsible for how messy i got, but in retrospect i am pissed that he encouraged me to finish a bottle of wine and kept buying me drinks when i was clearly not in a good state). at one point i told him that i had been flirting with him and apologised. he told me that as much as he wanted to he wouldn't kiss me because he had respect for my relationship yada yada yada.
surprise surprise, we ended up kissing. i knew that this wasn't a good move on my part but frankly it felt more like a silly mistake than some huge moral transgression and so i didn't feel hugely uncomfortable. we went back to his place and chatted for a bit and continued to make out.
then at some point we ended up in his bedroom and that is the part where things get awful. i started to stress, telling him that this was a mistake and that i wasn't going to sleep with him. he said that this was fine and offered to give me a back massage and i accepted (some of this might not make sense; my memory is a little patchy). at this point he ended up taking off my dress and my bra and i was just sort of stunned and scared of where this was going and so i let him. i remember feeling too exposed and trying to cover myself with the sheets. we kissed a bit more and then he put a finger inside me and i felt like things has definitely gone too far and pushed his hand away. i pushed him away and curled up and told him that i didn't want to be doing this. he told me we could do whatever i was comfortable with, but wasn't convinced that i didn't actually want to have sex with him.
after that, the next few hours are a blur of my being exhausted, us making out intermittently, him continuing to touch me in ways i didn't want - albeit always stopping when i told him to - and me stopping things every so often to freak out about how guilty i felt whilst he tried to convince me to have sex with him. once or twice i tried to just get it over with, but stopped him at the last moment. eventually (at this point it was about 7am) i gave in, but made him stop after a few minutes.
the upshot of this is that i now feel horribly violated but don't know if i'm entitled to feel that way. obviously i have sone guilt for having cheated on my boyfriend, but that has become secondary to this other feeling. when i think about that night and replay parts of it in my mind i invariably end up a sobbing panicky mess.
i don't even know if i have a question at the end of this - perhaps am i entitled to feel like he did something wrong? i tried to stay friends with him for a while after but couldn't deal with it - i told him that i felt taken advantage of but he basically said that he hadn't done anything wrong because he had stopped every time i'd asked him to. he also said that he was sorry i felt awful about it but he didn't regret sleeping with me because he had wanted to for a long time (to which i was like, cool dude, congratulations...?). anyway, i ended up blocking him on facebook without any explanation. i'm scared that i'm going to run into him and uni next semester and completely lose it at him. as for my boyfriend, i really don't want to tell him - in part because he would be horribly hurt, and i feel like i have a responsibility to protect him from that; and in part because (and this is selfish of me) i feel like i've suffered enough because of this whole incident and i can't deal with someone being angry at me for it (i should clarify that i've since been tested and sti's aren't an issue).
if anyone has any advice i would very much appreciate it.
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
HI There, and Welcome to Scarleteen,
Looking at your username, I'm wondering if it's your legal name; if so, can you please change it? WE want to make sure that people are safe and anonymous here.
I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling so much.
You are entitled to your feelings, and if you feel violated, then you feel violated. It's not as if you're deciding to feel this way, after all. IN other words, you can trust your instincts and trust how you're feeling.
A person who is intoxicated cannot legally give consent to sex. Also, from what you describe, this guy wasn't actually listening to your "no". You weren't just telling him that you wanted to stop what was happening for that moment, but that you didn't want to do it. Instead, he stopped, but then would start again. From what you describe here, you made it clear to him, in as much as you could, through words and body language, that you didn't want what was happening. He decided not to listen to or respond to that.
It sounds like this has really been affecting your quality of life. what do you feel like you need to help you heal? Are you currently in school or between semesters?
[ 04-12-2013, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4610 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
don't stress haha, it's not my name (ten points to anyone who picks the obscure literary reference!). i'm currently still abroad and in the middle of the semester. it's not as though i've been walking around feeling constantly awful; my feelings around it just crop up every couple of weeks or so. i feel like i should just get over it but i don't quite know how to do that.
Posts: 4 | From: Sweden | Registered: Apr 2013
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
I'm sad I don't know that literary reference.
It's usually not possible to will ourselves to "get over" something. Maybe some people can do it, but most of us can't.
Before posting here, have you been able to tell anyone else about this? Talking about something to nonjudgmental people who will listen to (or in our case here at Scarleteen, read) what you're saying) can often be helpful. Do you have any friends you trust to talk this through with?
[ 04-12-2013, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4610 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
i've told a couple of friends different bits and pieces (it's a bit hard to talk as much as i'd like to though, because i'm generally limited to facebook chat and time zones are a problem). i told two really good friends but i've mostly spoken to them about how to deal with my boyfriend/what to tell him/how guilty i feel. i've told them that i'm really angry with my friend and that i felt taken advantage of but in much vaguer terms than what i've posted here. they were supportive and angry for me but i got the sense that they didn't really know how to deal with the issue and so i haven't pressed it.
i did bring it up with another friend and he was less helpful - he basically told me that being drunk didn't mitigate how responsible i was for what happened and that if i had genuinely not wanted the sex to happen then i would have stopped it by leaving (which is something i've grappled with myself, given that i was attracted to this guy and enjoyed making out with him and on some level did want to sleep with him). he said this all based on a similar experience that he's had himself. in fairness to him, i posed it more as a question of my ability to consent and the extent to which i was at fault/how obligated i am to tell my boyfriend about it; rather than telling him outright that i was feeling violated. but still, i found his response upsetting, i guess because i agree with him in part.
Posts: 4 | From: Sweden | Registered: Apr 2013
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Nodding...Well, as I said, a person isn't considered legally able to give consent when intoxicated by alcohol or under the influence of any other mind-altering substance.
Is it helpful to you to take some responsibility for this? If so, I think it's sound to distinguish between taking responsibility for your decisions (and taking responsibility doesn't mean you have to blame or beat up on yourself) and not taking responsibility for his actions. It's really pretty clear to me that he did not listen to your no. He was excessively persistent, and you saying no seems to have had an expiry date according to him. That is, from what you describe, while he did sstop when you said no, he started up again after a while.
To help me understand more, is the recollection of the experience what is distressing to you, or is it your concern about how to deal with this and your boyfriend, or both?
What part of this do you feel like is most important to talk about here. (We can talk about all of it, I just want to know what is helpful to you to start with.)
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4610 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
i think i need to take a degree of responsibility for it, but it hasn't been super helpful insofar as i'm having trouble separating 'taking responsibility' from 'beating myself up'. so it would be helpful to get another perspective on that.
that aside the primary issue is really coping with my recollection of the event more so than dealing with my boyfriend. maybe this is overly pragmatic of me, but i feel like, to an extent, these things happen, it will never happen again, it isn't indicative of underlying problems in our relationship, and so telling him only going to hurt him and not achieve anything productive. obviously i feel guilty but i feel like that's something i just need to deal with (and, if when look at the situation objectively, i feel like i can cut myself some slack).
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
I think the fact that recalling this event is distressing to you can tell you a lot about what the experience was like for you. That is, having negative memories and feelings of distress and upset about something usually means that there was something wrong about it and that we didn't actually choose or agree to all of the events.
As I said above, you're not responsible for what that guy chose to do with and to you. It's not your responsibility to pull yourself together and leave when you're not in a physical condition to do so. In other words, you saying that you didn't want the sex should have been enough to stop everything; it was enough.
If the guy had beaten you up physically, instead of touching you in a sexual way, would you be feeling this type of responsibility and guilt over this?
I think you might find it helpful to read the following paragraph from our article Dealing With Rape
At ANY point, during any act in which your body is violated or utilized for someone else's sexual gratification -- be it via genital or oral penetration, or more ambiguous acts such as being made to feel another's body against your wishes, et cetera -- if you have made clear, even as simply as saying no once or pushing the other person away, even as simply as NOT actively participating and NOT saying yes, that you do not wish to be sexually engaged or used, and have been forced, through physical force, coercion or threat to do otherwise, you have been raped, sexually assaulted or abused.
and this one:
It is also rape when one person does something sexual on, to or inside a person who is unable to give informed consent to sex because they’re asleep or otherwise incapacitated, like via drugs or alcohol (even if they drank or drugged of their own accord), because they're ill, injured, or emotionally bereft, or due to lack of physical, intellectual or emotional maturity, developmental disability, mental illness or because the person assaulting them is in a position of power over them, like a teacher, clergyperson or police officer. If someone engaged you sexually on their part when you were in a position of being unable to give consent or full consent, then you have been raped, sexually assaulted or abused.
[ 04-12-2013, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4610 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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I'm so sorry that this happened to you. This guy was clearly not respecting your wishes. No matter what he tries to say now to justify what he did, that doesn't change the fact that he didn't listen to you. You told him multiple times that you didn't want to have sex. A respectful, non-rapist person will hear a "no" or a "not now" or an "I regret going this far with you" and will STOP the sexual activity. Not put it on pause for a moment before badgering you for sex again. Not decide they don't believe you when you say you don't want sex. Not tell you, after the fact, that they don't feel like they did anything wrong.
You having a sense that you wanted to kiss or maybe sleep with this person doesn't mean you were actively consenting to do those things in that moment. Maybe you would have decided to have sex with him in a sober moment, who knows? It's really clear that in that moment, he didn't care about what you were actually interested in or about obtaining your consent, despite his lip service to the contrary.
Posts: 426 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013
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