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Author Topic: Mom woes, anyone?
E_Marie
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I'm sure there are other people out there like me, but just thought I might ask.
The thing is, very plain and simply, my mom just doesn't want me. I'm the older sibling, the one she was pressured to have when she wasn't ready, the one that ruined her life. She's a very sad, angry person who has no one else to take it out on besides her kids. She doesn't work (never has) she just plays video games all day. We're well off because of the child support and extra money (oh, you won't pay X amount? I guess I'll buy that new chair and your kids won't eat this month) And in a nutshell, she's a sociopath. She literally doesn't understand why people don't want to be around her, or why her kids are so messed up and anxious to move out. She's very snarky with constant critical comments to make, to everyone, about everything (you should get out more, you're getting really fat. I don't know why he doesn't want to hang out anymore, people are so sensitive) and we all have to tip toe around her because the littlest things set her off (you lost the remote AGAIN? You're useless! )
I could go on for awhile, it gets messy, but I'll stop there. I guess there's positive points, I'm certainly alot stronger because of this (but I'm also anti social and sometimes have no spine because of her, or the memory of her and the ego-bruising I've gotten all my life) But what I'm wondering is, has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do about it? I'm not hoping it'll "get better" I'm taking her to court this summer so I can live with my dad and I'm not looking back. I don't want her involved in my life at all (I never want her around my future children) but what I need is help getting away, and keeping her away. And mostly, how I'm going to cope for the next few months.
Also, to any moms or therapist type people, why on earth would she be like this? She constantly reminds me and my brother about how inconvenient we are, but whenever we bring up living with dad she jumps through hoops to keep us under her thumb. I don't want to make excuses for her, I just want to understand why someone would be like this to their own children. One of the most important things to me is becoming a mother myself, and giving my kids all the love and support I never got. I understand motherly love and I'm only 16, how come she doesn't?

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Robin Lee
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HI E_Marie,

This sounds like a truly unpleasant way to live, and i'm sorry this has been your experience. How often do you see your Dad? Do you have other family members who know about what is going on--someone who can support you in getting to a safer, healthier place?

You mentioned that you're going to work this summer on being able to live with your Dad full-time. Is there a reason you're waiting until then?

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Robin

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E_Marie
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My dad comes and visits us every two weeks for a weekend or week (he works two weeks on, two weeks off in alberta) I think my grandparents know know what's going on (on dad's side) we're making arrangements for me to stay with them in the summer while dad's working.
The reason I'm waiting is because of his work, next September I'll have my N license, but until then I'd have to find somewhere else to go while he works, and he lives too far out of town for me to go to school and get groceries and such without a car. It's just an inconvenient situation overall.. He still has to work, I have to keep my younger brother in mind who still has to stay with mom when I'm gone

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Robin Lee
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Nodding...that is a tricky situation. Why does your brother have to stay with your Mom when you go?

So, it sounds like the big question here is how to help you get through the next several months, yes?

Do your grandparents live where you do? If so, is it possible for you to spend more time with them? How about friends you can also spend time with out of your house?

If you're in school now, what do you think of talking to your school counsellor to get some support?

I'm imagining it can feel very lonely going through this, so the more people you can gather around you who are on your side, hopefully the less isolating it'll feel. Also know that there are other people who go through similar things. The why of it is a difficult question, but I can say with absolute certainty that living like this isn't fair to you.

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Robin

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E_Marie
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When my parents got divorced when I was a baby, mom did something so that we can only move in with dad when we're 16 and only if we have her "parental consent" she's not willing to give it, that's why I have to get the court involved. And my brother is three years younger then me, but I don't think he really has a problem with her.
My dad and my grandparents live way out on the mainland, about 9-11 hours away.
I'm mostly just trying to figure out why she would be like this, and how I can deal with her until I can leave.

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Robin Lee
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Hi There,

Sounds like a truly difficult situation all around.

In terms of why she's like this, it would be hard for anyone to say, even a trained therapist (which I'm not), without meeting and interacting with your Mom. It's possible that she has a mental illness of some sort, which would make her behaviour both easier and harder to explain. It's also possible that she, having not wanted to parent at the time she became a mother, sort of gave up and never wanted to engage as a parent. I could go on guessing, but I'm not really sure that my guesses would be very helpful to you.

I'm sorry that you've had to grow up with a mother who has told you repeatedly that she doesn't want you.

In terms of coping until you can leave, let's see if we can brainstorm some ideas.

Are you looking for ideas for how to cope when you're around her, or how to make it so that you don't have to be around her as much, or both?

I'm also wondering if you'd find it helpful to read books or other materials about how people cope with tough family situations.

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Robin

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E_Marie
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Guesses help a bit, they're better then any other guesses I could make [Razz] And I have a list, I just add ideas and cross off the ones that make sense over time to try to narrow it down.
I'm away from home as much as possible, with wrestling and my boyfriend always making excuses for us to go places instead of stay in, but without a license I'm fairly limited. Mostly I just have to deal with her while I have to be home. Normally what me and my brother do is just go silent when she rants or lectures, responding at all makes it worse. The best thing we've found to do is to try to avoid getting her upset altogether, but burnt toast can bring on a rampage.
I think the reading would help, it might have some ideas or methods that would work.
Thank you, this place and you guys have been amazing. I tried going to a counselor about it but she brushed me off saying the classic "all teenage girls have problems with their moms, you'll regret leaving one day"

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Heather
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You know, I'm afraid that when it comes to understanding why your mother is like this, there's probably going to be very little about it you can know until/unless SHE figures it out -- with professional help, from the sounds of things -- and shares those discoveries with you.

And it sounds, unfortunately, like that's a long way off, at best.

You know, I left my mother's home -- eventually to live with my Dad, too -- in my teens. When I did, I was told that if I left, that was it: I should consider our relationship over. Her home was so dangerous and bad for me at the time, and I didn't see her changing its dynamics at all, so then, you know, that wasn't a tough thing to choose.

But a few years after that, she started reaching out. A few more, she started doing her own work. Many after that, she started taking some responsibility for the harm I was done. At this point -- I'm in my 40s now -- we've very, very slowly, and often with stops and starts, mind, been able to build some kind of relationship. It's not the most fantastic one ever, and you know, it probably never will be. I also still keep a considerable distance, emotionally and physically, for my own self-care.

What understanding I have of her then is based on both her own developed insights and my own observations over time. But I don't imagine I could have had much of either -- certainly not the former, but also not the latter -- when I was in the thick of it. I think getting that insight on my own required time and distance.

Of course, little to none of that makes any of it hurt much less. [Frown]

That said, who knows what your mother will do, but I will say that I never thought at 14, 15, or 16 that she'd wind up doing her own work, taking responsibility for harm done or enabled, or, well, most of the things she's done over the last 20 years when it comes to all this. So, even when it seems unlikely or impossible a parent who is very messed up will actually make real efforts not to be, it certainly can happen.

I do think having a counselor would help you here: you don't need her permission to do that, though, to my understanding. We'd be happy to help you find out what counseling resources are available to you in your area. However, if you do access those, my best advice would be to keep that private. Your mother is most likely to react very badly to your getting counseling, largely, I suspect, because she probably knows exactly why you need it, and won't like you hearing from someone who is probably going to affirm how unhealthy she and your household is.

[ 11-11-2012, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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E_Marie
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If that's what it takes to "solve the mystery" then I'm honestly not very interested.. the way I cope is to get away from a situation and stay away. And It's not in my nature to be forgiving, either. (That being said, I'm glad you and your mother are working on your problems)
To my knowledge, besides the school counsellor (that crashed and burned, as previously mentioned) all there is is therapists, but you have to sign up and pay for that, right?
It'd certainly be private. I shudder at the thought of her finding out that her daughter is seeking "help"

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Heather
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I think that when it comes to this stuff, it gets to be up to you about whatever level of distance you want or need. I don't think there's any kind of "right" or virtuous answer in all of this: this is about your own self-care, in my book. So, taking care of yourself? I say that comes first.

I also wasn't addressing forgiveness or anything like that at all here, something else I know gets talked about often in situations like this, but which really aren't my concern when we're talking about someone being mistreated who needs to figure out how not to be.

Really, I only said what I did because you were asking about how to understand her, and that's what I had to offer. [Smile]

In terms of counseling, there are likely free community services you could access, particularly as a minor living in a dysfunctional home. Can I ask what province you're in, and if, whichever it is, you're nearby or in any urban areas. And if, not, if you have ways of getting to them?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68085 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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