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Author Topic: Intrusive thoughts..in need of a little support :(
Sans
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I just wanted to know if I'm alone in this or not.

I began experiencing instrusive thoughts when I was 9 years old. Out of the blue one day when summer vacation just started, a "voice in my head" (or so it felt like at the time) manifested and commanded me to fatally injure the one I love most deeply, my mother. I immediately started to panic, kneeled down and prayed repeatedly because I thought I was demon possessed. The "voice", or the intrusive thoughts as I now know it, didn't go away. It stayed with me 24/7 for about two and a half months, then mysteriously disappeared.

I would cry out of fear every day that the intrusive thoughts would turn into reality. I stayed well away from my mother and from any objects that could be used potentially to hurt her. I shut myself in my room and didn't come out. Yet nothing worked to stop those thoughts until they eventually went away on their own.

At this time last year, the thoughts came back with full vengeance, so to speak. Again, they bombarded me obsessively 24/7 with no relief. Every time I thought I would finally have a break and gain autonomy of my mind for once, they would always sneak up behind me and torture me until fear became my only companion. The thoughts lurked constantly at the back of my mind and chipped away at my control. I thought that there would be no hope left for me; that I would eventually give in to their murderous urges. I had already become unredeemable in my own eyes. This lasted for 3 months.

I am currently seeking professional help for these concerns among other, more pressing ones, but I'm feeling a little depressed today, hating the fact that I was so helpless when I experienced intrusive thoughts, feeling as if I should've been much more in control, and, well....yeah.

Anyone else feeling or have felt the same?
It would be nice to know that I'm not the only one. [Frown]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Saffron Raymie
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You know, SansNom; this is actually pretty common.

I'm so sorry to hear you're having trouble with it; it can make you feel pretty afraid of yourself.

What happens is this: sometimes, our brains become obsessed with an idea simply because it distresses us. Then, we get locked into a cycle; the more distressed we become, the more the idea pops up. If we didn't become so upset by it, it wouldn't keep coming up - so psychiatric opinion is that we become stuck in this cycle because, in reality, we'd never hurt anyone, or fatally wound them.

The comedian Russell Brand once described feeling like he could throw an object at his boss, and seriously hurt him. He liked his job and lot, and loved his boss as a person, and didn't understand why he'd suddenly thought about such a horrible violence. A lot of his fans said they could relate. It comes up from time to time in popular culture.

Members of my family have said that when they look over the side of ships and cliff edges, they think 'what if I just, jump?' and then they freak themselves out, because it's such a horrible idea. In my life, I've gone as far as moving objects away and hiding them, because I'd become stuck in the cycle myself. However, because these things make us feel so guilty and afraid, we're highly unlikely to harm anyone, if you know what I mean?

To give you some idea of how common this brain-freaking-us-out pattern is, it's actually come up at Scarleteen before. This Thread in particular goes into more detail on the subject.

It's very difficult to control, precisely because it happens because the ideas and images break our hearts so much. However; thoughts and feeling cannot harm anybody else in any way, so not being able to control them isn't harmful to other people.

If you can manage to say 'hey, it's just my brain trying to freak me out again', and do some self-care - do the things you love doing - then hopefully you'll relax and the images and ideas won't keep popping up. If they do; they can't hurt you; know that you'd never harm anyone in your life. [Smile]

[ 02-28-2012, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Sans
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Hello, Saffron Reimi, thanks a lot for your reply [Smile]

I feel quite a bit relieved now after reading through the information you provided for me. Again, thank you so much, for your expertise was extremely enlightening.

I found myself nodding along with the examples that you provided because I've experienced intrusive thoughts like those also; it's just that, unlike the ones you described, the thoughts commanding me to harm my mother do not stop once they start. It's like having music that you are absolutely offended by (or hate) on full-blast for 3 months at a time.

I had a whole "plan" prepared too. In case I wasn't able to "restrain" myself in the face of these thoughts; in other words, if I actually started doing what the thoughts dictated(something I thought would eventually happen), I would've committed suicide, no questions asked.

I'm not sure why my psychiatrists did not consider the possibility of the "voices" being intrusive thoughts; I was diagnosed with quasi-psychosis at Sick Kids Hospital. If the thoughts had persisted, I would've been put on anti-psychotic medication for it. I'm not sure if that would've helped....is psychosis different from intrusive thoughts, or are they the same?

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Saffron Raymie
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I'm no expert on mental health, I'm afraid.

However, as I understand it, although being stuck in the loop is rather common, and the thoughts tend not to go away when we are stuck in the loop - it seems that certain illnesses cause people to have a much harder time with this loop; such as clinical depression, anxiety, delusions, paranoia and being on the autistic spectrum.

Psychosis is an extremely broad term - an umbrella term - with lots of illnesses catergorised under that term; and quasi only means you have symptoms which resemble psychosis. I don't know if intrusive thoughts are catergorized under the term quasi psychosis - I would imagine it varies based on which professionals are asked. I'm afraid I don't know if medication will help; I'd check in with a professional about that. If you'd like a book to read on the conflicting options on which things constitute mental illnesses and which don't; A Mind of its Own by Cordelia Fine is a good read.

However, I would absolutely advise you to speak to the professional who diagnosed you about your fears, or someone else who works in mental healthcare. Specifically about the worry that you will be driven to harm your mother. That's a terrible fear to have to live with, SansNom, so I'd do whatever you can - right now - to speak to a professional and get this fear cleared up.

[ 02-29-2012, 06:14 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Jill2000Plus
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I'm autistic and I've had terrible intrusive thoughts for a very long time, they always tell me I am a bad person and deserve to suffer and things like that. I have had thoughts about hurting others before and I didn't do it, it must be awful being constantly bombarded by bullying thoughts like this (I find it an at least somewhat personally helpful framework to think of them as bullying thoughts, I remind myself that if someone else was telling me these things I would not want anything to do with that person because they would be being cruel to me).

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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Sans
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Hey Jill, thank you so much for your reply [Smile]

I admire the fact that, from what I can see, you express yourself so well in words. [Smile] I state this because I really identify with the term you coined, "bullying thoughts". It does feel like, to me, that a bully is lurking dangerously at the back of my mind, ready to take advantage of me any second, whether I let my guard down or not.

In fact, when I checked myself into the hospital due to these intrusive thoughts, I told the psychiatrist that there seems to be "someone else" residing in my mind; more specifically, a "sadistic voice."

You have given me something very interesting to think about. Indeed, if another human being proceeded to say such things to be, I would definitely not want anything to do with said person.

It is awful being bombarded with such thoughts. The intrusive thoughts that you described sound horrible. [Frown]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Sans
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(Btw, Saffron Reimi, sorry for not replying to your post sooner. It raised up some points that I wanted to sit on for a little while, so to speak. Just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your response, and that my late reply is simply an indication that I had to process it. [Smile] )

I am diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD, and also suffer from anxiety as part of the aforementioned illnesses. I suppose that would explain why the intrusive thoughts were so persistent and obsessional; they were literally constantly there, every moment of every single day, for months on end until they mysteriously disappear to reappear on a later date.

My psychiatrist reasons that the thoughts could be either depression-related or trauma-related psychosis; anyway, there is no way for me to know for sure until they come up again.

But when they do, I will definitely talk to my psychiatrist about them. [Smile]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Saffron Raymie
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I'm so glad you're feeling clearer with this. [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Sans
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It's thanks to you. [Smile]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Sans
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Ugh. It just doesn't STOP.

My mother suggested that I take some money and go shopping for shoes tomorrow, since I am in desperate need for some (having worn out almost all of my pairs).

In response, the instrusive thoughts are blasting at full volume in my head and telling me that I will rob a store. It was stating that earlier in the day, when I went to a gas station to buy a candy bar. The thoughts screamed that I will be arrested for shoplifting.

What the HELL.

I really f****** despise this pathetic excuse for a life. I'm so tired of this.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Sans
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I HATE myself. SO MUCH.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Saffron Raymie
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Oh SanNow; I'm so sorry.

Do you take any meds for anxiety at all?

Also, were you able to speak with your psychiatrist in a more in depth way about this?

Big hugs to you, I'm so sorry to see these posts.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Sans
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I take anti-depressants. I'm not sure if it's supposed to help with anxiety also, since I do have an issue with anxiety that may or may not be linked to depression and PTSD, but no, I do not take any meds specifically for anxiety.

I had planned to bring it up with my psychiatrist if it happens again, but I was fine the last time I saw her, so I did not mention it. I might have to make a call to her on Monday informing her of this, as I see her in a month. [Frown]

I suppose that, last night, I had to come and vent here because it was late; if I had called a distress centre, I would've woken my mother up and I didn't want to do that. [Frown]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Saffron Raymie
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Yeah, I'd definately give her a call first thing Monday morning and tall her everything about this, as well as how frustrated and unhappy it's making you feel.

It sounds a little like it could be an anxiety issue. You sound like you feel what my own mother is feeling recently; she tried to volunteer in a charity shop but panicked that she'd break the till, crash the whole system and the charity would be no more. So, my heart really goes out to you in this.

You can come here and vent anytime you like, I'm so sorry I wasn't here to offer some support.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Sans
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Thanks, Ray. I'll call my psychiatrist on Monday for sure.

I guess that it could be anxiety. I'd feel exactly what your mother is feeling were I in the same situation, actually. Those thoughts you listed definitely sound similiar to the the intrusive thoughts I'm experiencing.

You're being very supportive and I'm grateful for it.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Saffron Raymie
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You're very welcome. [Smile]

I just wanted to check in with you to see how things are going today?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Sans
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I did call my psychiatrist and leave a message. She should be able to get back to me soon, I hope.

Today I'm in a slightly better mood than Friday, although it was dampened by the instrusive thoughts once again. They are very disturbing in nature. At dinner, when I was setting the table with knives and forks, the thoughts told me to take the knife and stab my mother. As well, when mother and I were having a conversation, the thoughts demanded me to gouge her eyes out with my fingers. [Frown]

I feel like a twisted, f***** up sadist. My life isn't even worth it at this rate.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Saffron Raymie
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Hey SansNom, please know that you don't have to reply to anything I say in this post; if you don't want to talk about anything I bring up, feel free to ignore it.

I've had those thoughts before; I can't stand to have knives in my hands. Please know that the voices and urges aren't real and can't hurt you or your mother, who you obviously love very much.

Sadly, the more we feel upset, angry and frightened with ourselves for having these thoughts, the more they come back.

You've survived some horrific abuse and trauma. It's common for survivors to become so disgusted with abuse that we can become terrified of doing it ourselves. It's possible that because of this, you've become so terrified that you've got very badly stuck in the common loop. Is your psychiatrist someone who knows a lot about abuse survivors; works with them often? Did you ever have any therapy about the abuse?

You sound like a wonderful person, in every single one of your posts. You aren't a saddist, twisted or eff'ed up; just an abuse survivor having a very difficult and traumatic time.

I have to get some sleep now, but I'll be back first thing in the morning to check in with you.

[ 04-03-2012, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Sans
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Ray. You are the only person right now that I'm talking to about the intrusive thoughts, save my psychiatrist and therapist, and even they don't know the full extent of the story yet. No one else would understand, let alone be so supportive. The point of all of the above is: I just want to let you know that I'm so, so grateful to have you here.

I can't stand to have knives in my hands either. Not only due to the association with the thoughts, but also due to my suicidal tendencies. I had stood in front of the knife drawer once, holding a knife with the tip resting where my heart is, willing myself to plunge it in. Every time now, when I experience intrusive thoughts when handling a knife, I keep it close to me and remind myself that I'm the only one I'll be hurting. Not my mother.

I AM afraid. Of becoming someone like my stepfather. With these thoughts, I believed that I had begun my transformation into my abuser. He had always threatened to kill my mother and I. He was violent. He subjected my mother one time into a dangerous situation. I was in the next room. I could never forgive myself for having froze. Even if, like you said, these thoughts state precisely the opposite of what I intend to do, I cannot forgive myself for having them. Not only was I powerless to protect her from HIM, but now I am powerless to protect her from, potentially, myself.

Thank you. Even though I cannot agree with you about me being a wonderful person, thank you just the same. I'm not sure what you see in me, but I trust you, or as much as I can trust someone who I am talking to over the Internet.

[ 04-03-2012, 06:06 PM: Message edited by: SansNom ]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Saffron Raymie
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SansNom; sorry I haven't yet replied. I feel like I'm enabling you to not get the in-person support you need.

I know you're worried that nobody else would understand this; but trust me, they really would. Many, many people with mental health trouble hear all kinds of voices, and absolutely - sometimes those voices are terrifying. However, it's more scary to you that it will be to your psychiatrist and therapist. They're mental health professionals, and will have worked with many people who suffer from incredibly scary thoughts like this.

I understand so much. I witnessed someone else being abused when I was younger too, and now even when something very minor happens to him - like someone makes a slightly off comment about him - I start to get very panicky. Obviously, it's an extremely traumatic thing to go through, so of course you're super protective of your mother now (meaning this protective feeling is what the trauma attaches to in your mind - you think of your mother, you think of your trauma, and it manifests itself in very scary ways, because what you went through was very scary).

I'm very concerned about you and need you to take a very big step, and make an emergency appointment with either your psychiatrist or your therapist as soon as possible - and tell them everything, and that it's causing you to feel that you could possibly fatally wound yourself, and that you NEED to talk about the intrusive thoughts. I know it's a big step, but honestly; you have nothing to be ashamed of. This is their job, and they will be able to tell the difference between someone who is truly dangerous and someone who is suffering from severe PTSD.

I'm here to support you for as long as you need, but I'm not a professional and you need real-life help to help things get way better for you, and get you out of this terrible spot. So, I can't keep talking this through until we make a plan to keep you safe in real life. Do you think we can take that step together? Can you call one of them up? What time is it for you now?

[ 04-05-2012, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Sans
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Don't worry. You are not preventing me from getting in-person help at all. In fact, it was mostly due to your encouragement that I decided to call my psychiatrist. We made an appointment, and I'll be seeing her as soon as she is available, which is next week. [Smile]

I have resolved to take notes whenever I'm experiencing intrusive thoughts so that I can discuss all of it with her. I don't want to forget any crucial details that could potentially be helpful in the long run. As of the present, I'm trying my best to do all I can to ensure that my psychiatrist is getting as much information as possible from me. That way, she can better figure out how to treat me.

I suppose that the sense of shame around this partly stems from the fact that my abuser had spewed out threats similiar in nature to what the intrusive thoughts are stating. I had told my psychiatrist and therapist of the thoughts before, but since the thoughts were not actively bombarding my mind at the time, we decided to wait until it strikes again to take further action. I had so much difficulty telling them then; I hated myself to the guts for verbalizing the thoughts because it's like my abuser talking. It puts me back into the car with him. It puts me back in the living room with him. It puts me back into the situation where he screamed that he would kill my mother at the top of his lungs while whipping the door into the wall so hard that a deep hole has formed. To me, I'm transforming into him despite my whole will and being protesting against it. I hate my abuser. But I hate myself more for becoming more and more like him in thought, even if the thoughts are not my own.

I had hoped, at the time, that these thoughts would never come back. But now, it seems like they did, despite all my efforts to ignore them and keep them under wraps. I just want it to stop. Even if this can be managed by ignoring the thoughts and avoiding the act of dwelling on them, I still am reminded that a piece of my abuser is engraved into me.

But. I will seek professional help. [Smile]
I'm sorry to worry you. Sometimes I just really want to vent. Is it okay for me to keep doing that?

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Sans
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I will be going to the appointment with my psychiatrist this Wednesday.

To date, I have these intrusive thoughts every single day, and I am still as disturbed as ever by their contents.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Sans
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I went to the appointment yesterday.
My psychiatrist put me on a new antidepressant in response to what I told her.

These days, there are many triggers which remind me of the intrusive thoughts and, subsequently, put me back into the obsessive loop. I've never felt so down in my life before.

I really don't know what to do, other than hoping fervently that the medication will somehow relieve me of this.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Hello Sansnom, sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time at the moment. I do hope your thoughts and feelings improve soon and that the new medicine will help. When do you have follow up with her and your therapist again? Take care.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Sans
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Hi, Eryn. I have to follow up with my psychiatrist in 2 weeks, and my therapist in 1 week. I hope that the new medicine helps too. [Frown]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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eryn_smiles
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What kind of things are you doing to help yourself hang in there until you see your therapist next week?

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Sans
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Not much, to be honest. Whenever I have the thoughts, I either try to ignore them or repeat phrases in my head, over and over, in order to calm myself down. Most of the time, it doesn't work.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Sans
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It's been roughly a week now, and it's been okay for me so far with the new medicine in terms of the intrusive thoughts. I'm still experiencing them sometimes, but they do not tend to become obsessive. However, there are side effects, the most notable of which is the disruption of sleep. I have trouble going to sleep and tend to wake up many times a night. When I do wake up, it takes awhile to get back to sleep. Also, my sleep is much lighter than usual.

I'm not sure if this warrants another change of medicine, but......meh. I suppose that I will know for sure when I go to see my psychiatrist next week. [Frown]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Sans
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Feeling completely awful today. I wonder if the level of awfulness has broken the previously held records. Ha, wait for it, I think it just did.

I really want to be taken off this medication. I've been on it for a bit more than a week now, and it's not working for me.

Anyway. Yea, yea. Just me and mine angst.


Yours Truly,

SansNom.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Sans
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Recently the intrusive thoughts have taken on a different nature. They state that I am undeserving of my mother's love. I have told her of this and she has affirmed completely to the contrary. She emphasized repeatedly that she loves me lots and that she really enjoys spending time with me. However, I do not believe this, not because my mother wasn't sincere, but because the thoughts are stating that I am a thing that should be exterminated using methods that introduce and prolong as much pain as possible. The thoughts believe that I should be mutilated until I am dead and beyond recognition. I have of course not told my mother any of this, because she would get extremely upset and beg for me to seek help. I don't think I need help.

In fact, I don't know if these thoughts can count as being intrusive because I feel that it is possible for me to think like this. I despise myself, and I know it well. The reason why I don't think I need help is that I feel perfectly justified in thinking like this. I don't know why my mother hasn't seen the fact that I am a despicable thing. It's blatantly obvious. I've tried to convince her before but it only resulted in her being extremely upset. I don't want to upset her. I'm upsetting enough already.

So, yea. The aforementioned thoughts might be intrusive, might be not. M'not sure.

[ 04-28-2012, 11:29 PM: Message edited by: SansNom ]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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eryn_smiles
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Sorry to read that you're still going through such a rough time, Sansnom. How do it go with seeing your psychiatrist again? What did they think about your new medicine? If you're feeling like you're close to self-harming or hurting yourself due to the intrusive thoughts, it's very important to have a 'crisis plan' in place with people you could call and other supports/distractions you could use. Please talk with your therapist about this and take care.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Sans
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Thanks, Eryn. But, at this point, I don't think I need help. I've gotten most of the thoughts to be about hurting myself, so I'm all good. This is what I've wanted all along.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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-Firefly-
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SansNom, I'm sorry you're still going through such a tough time! It can sometimes take more than a week for new medication to kick in, so you may need to give it a little bit more time. However, I think it would be very important for you to seek out some help ASAP.

While you may be feeling a bit better that your intrusive thoughts are no longer about harming others and focus on harming yourself, I think I can safely speak for the other people here and say that we're really concerned about your safety. Are you able to reach your psychiatrist or therapist today? If not, do you think you could go to the ER? I realize that you don't want to upset your mother, but it might be a good idea to be honest about the nature of your thoughts (re: harming yourself) and ask her for help. It sounds as though she wants to be there for you, and I think having some in person support would be extremely helpful for you.

Please don't hurt yourself. You're a good person and you don't deserve pain. Please seek some help.

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Redskies
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SansNom, I very much co-sign Firefly above.

I hear that you feel the way you feel about yourself - but you know, people who have experienced significant trauma can sometimes feel that way about themselves as a result of the trauma they've experienced, and although it Feels like the way you feel is absolutely the objective truth, it doesn't mean it's true.

Your contributions on these boards have helped me. You are worth caring about. You don't deserve to be harmed or hurt, by yourself or anyone else. You deserve to be safe. Please seek some help.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Sans
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I'm really confused....the intrusive thoughts have been stating, ever since I created an account here at Scarleteen and started posting, that I am a hazard to the well being of others here and that I should be kicked out......m'not sure if that's true or not, actually....depending on the state of mind that I'm in, I can find the means to justify either sides of the argument.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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