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Author Topic: Weird Problem
helpneeded1
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So I have a problem that is extremly weird and has been bugging me for a long while. Its quite a length situation however. So I am a young college student and interned over the summer from about ending of March till early August this year. It was out of the state I live about four hours away from home so I was forced to house in a university near work that was housing students from different places that were interning in that area, so there were a number of students from different schools and places in the US. I tend to be very anti-social because I am very shy and dislike making conversation with new people because I hate the thought of rejection. Long story short I barely made friends up there except with a suitemate and even then we barely hung out. So I typically worked Mondays to Fridays from 8am to 5pm and I had to use public transportation to get thru and from work. The University in which I was staying had shuttles that would pick up interns from the metro station and take them pack to campus as part of their housing package. So every day I would finish work around 5pm and get back to the metro station around 5:40 to catch the 6pm shuttle back to campus. A little bit into the my internship I notice a boy at the metro also waiting for the shuttle so of course he was an intern staying up at the university as well. The first day I noticed him I thought to myself “dude thinks he is cute probably arrogant” because he decided to stand and wait for the shuttle instead of having a seat on the bench near the bus stop. The next time I saw him at the bus stop which was a couple days later or the next day can’t really remember, I had the chance to look at him better. He not just cute, he was actually beautiful. I was completely hypnotized by him. Just the way he dressed, which was very business casual, was impressive and the way he carried himself made him seem very humble. I could tell, just by looking at him, that he was probably not the talkative type but rather just a plain guy. Now I saw him several times at the bus stop over the course of the summer and actually rode the elevator about 3 times with him but I never made conversation with him. The most I had ever said to him was “what floor” and “thank you”. I could not get him out of my head for some reason I just really wanted to be acquainted with him. But I never got the courage to do that. And It got to a point where I just wanted to be done with my internship so that I could just go home and not see him again because I wasted every opportunity that I had to talk to him and I was about fed up of dreaming about getting to know him. So finally my internship is over and I go back home and feel much better that I will never see him again and I can finally move on with my life. I transferred to a new college this year about 2 hours away from home and I was really excited about this. New life, new friends new opportunities. So on the first day of classes I went to the computer lab and lo and behold this boy was there. What are the freaking chances!!!!!!! I was so happy to be rid of my daydreaming and now we attend the same school. My friend thinks its fate but I think it just more Headache because once again I can’t get him out of my head. I’ve walked passed him 3 time over the course of 3 weeks and everytime I am not asleep, I am thinking about him. I need to focus on my studies and concentrate but I am just beyond baffled. How did we end up in the same place?? But most importantly how do I get him out of my head so that I can carry on in life. I’ve tried everything to get him out of my mind because I know I will never be able to say anything to him, It would be very weird ….wouldn’t it? I am very distressed over this situation and I'm afriaid that I will be till I graduate( 2 years) because I will always be crossing my fingers hoping that I get a chance to just see his face which is alot to hope for especially since there is about 6000 students that attend this college.

[ 09-13-2012, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: helpneeded1 ]

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helpneeded1
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and I can't really tell many of my friends about it because they will think I am crazy. one of them is already telling me that I am exageerating what I feel. But I know what and how I feel and thats very confused, sad and just a lot of other things and its very overwhelming I just can't handle it!!!!
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September
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helpneed, that is a huge coincidence! But I think it's also a great opportunity. After all, this has got to be the best conversation starter ever: the next time you see him, you can go up to him and say, "hi, didn't I see you waiting at the same bus stop this summer?"

And if nothing ever comes of that, then at least you've given it a shot, and it should no longer be awkward to see him in class.

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-joey
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copper86
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I agree with September! You know, if you plainly start with that line - or at the very least, say "hi" or ask if he did the lab reading or homework - I'm sure you'll feel much better! Just talking to him might help you overcome your anxiety about talking to him; because later you'll think, "Well, I did it, and it wasn't too bad, so maybe when I see him again, I can talk to him and it maybe won't be so difficult." It might get easier with time, too. No matter what, at least you gave it a chance! Good luck, and please keep us updated!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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helpneeded1
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Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate it! I guess I forgot to make something clear. we are not in any of the same classes, I don't know his name, major or anything. The only thing I know is how he looks. The 3 times I beleive I saw him was on campus. The first time was in a computer center. The second time we were walking in opposite directions passed each other and the third time was in the library. And the library one hit me real bad. I was having a conversation with someone and the next thing you know he walked by with a girl. I was really dumbfounded that I forgot what I was talking about and couldnt seem to find my words. took me sometime to regain my composure and carry on the conversation I was having. I know people have said that that would actually be the best conversation statrter but the problem is: number 1- I am really shy. I could say to myself that I will do the next time I do see him but I probably won't. And number 2- I just think it would be plain weird. Now I clearly remember him because I took it upon myself to notice him all the time however to him I could have been some random stranger walking by. I only had about 3 elevator encounters with him and that was about it. And I feel it would be creepy if I go up to someone and say "did u happen to intern in blah blah blah because I rember seeing you around more than once." and he goes "yes I did but I don't recall ever meeting you." .
Then I look like one crazy creepy stalker person. [Frown]
at this point, knowing that I probably would never gather the courage to say anything if fate actually make me see him again somehow on campus. And the deeper we get into the semetser, I think that good conversation starter holds less value because summer would have been long gone. At this point I think its best I find a way to move on because feeiling this way is not healty and I just don't know what else to do!!! [Frown]

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Heather
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So, what I hear with all of this is that you have encountered someone you find incredibly nice to look at.

There's nothing unhealthy about that. Now and then, we're all going to see someone who kind of ticks all our visual buttons sexually or aesthetically, and/or really captures our attention or imagination by how they look.

For sure, assuming you can actually feel anything for a person without knowing them at all, or even talking to them, but only just seeing how they look? That wouldn't be sound. All you know is how he looks and how you feel about how he looks.

So, if you want to actually try and get to know him, then yeah, you're going to need to say something to facilitate that. I don't think asking about where he interned before, by the way, to make contact by mentioning you've seen him before is creepy or stalker-ish. I think that's just fine.

If you don't, though, that's okay too, and you just know there's someone who looks a way that makes you all googly and let that be. It's not like not trying to do anything beyond that is bad for you or anything. We can go on living just fine having seen someone who has that effect on us and do nothing about it, too.

[ 09-13-2012, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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helpneeded1
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So I saw him again today and needless to say I am once again feeling very down and blue. I was at the computer center early this morning finishing up an extremely difficult homework when he enters and uses the computer right beside me.!!! Now I am guessing the average normal human being would have grabbed this opportunity by the balls but I didn’t. I completely lost focus and started thinking of how to ask him my question, although I am now 100% sure that it is him. Unfortunately he had his earplugs in for the most part and I feel that I am also very inner conflicted. Like it is sort of hard to explain but I will try. My mind was all set to ask him what I wanted to ask but my mouth and my body just completely refused to do it. I believe it was fear for the future. After he left the computer center, I just couldn’t focus anymore and I felt completely devastated that I might have wasted my last chance. At this point I am just tired of the situation because I can’t seem to pinpoint just why I feel all these different emotions when I think about the situation. I just want to forget everything that has happened. I don’t like how I feel when I think about all these things. I feel sad, moody and unsatisfied with what my life has had and what it may have in store for me. I am even beginning to think that the way I feel in this situation may just be stemming from a deeper rooted issue. Like I have periods of times where I get really depressed because I generally tend to feel lonely and just feel like I never have anything to look forward to.
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Robin Lee
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You've said before here that you're terrified of rejection. Have you ever had this experience before of being unable to say a simple hello to someone because all these fears swirl around in your head?

If you have had such an experience, how did you deal with it?

Alternatively, if you were talking to someone else in the situation you find y yourself in, what would you suggest they do?

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Robin

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helpneeded1
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No I don't think so or atleast not that I can remember. and if someone else was in my shoes I'd tell them to give it a shot but for me personally I just can't do it.
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Heather
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You know, it sounds to me like you're putting a LOT on someone that is simply someone you like the looks of.

Do you have any sense of why you feel, as you say, devastated at the idea of not "having a chance" for this person to be more than someone you like to look at? Especially since for all you know, this person isn't an actual person -- not just an image or ideal -- you'd even like or get on with enough to want anything more from if you did get to know him?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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helpneeded1
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really its not about how he looks...I got a chance to study his behavior for thoes short 15 to 30 mins we would be at the bus stop/ shuttle and I think it was those things that really got me interested in the first place...I don't really know Im still trying to decipher why I really feel this way can't really seem to pin point it. I might not even really be that I want to be more than friends but rather would just like to know him per say??
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Heather
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That's still just your image and impression of him, based more on you and how he looks than who he is. We can't know someone at all by watching them for a half hour without interacting. We just can't.

It's okay, by the way, to want to get to know someone because we like how they look and get a good vibe off of them.

Where I get concerned and where things seem out of whack is where you say that not interacting with this person would leave you "devastated." THEN we're clearly talking about you projecting much bigger stuff onto this person that has nothing to do with them at all.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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helpneeded1
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OK now we are on the same page. I am actually quite embarrased that I feel "devastated" but that is actually kinda of how I feel and even sometimes when I just "think" about it. That is why I would like suggestions on How I can get rid of these feelings because it seems silly to me to feel this way about someone I don"t know or havent even said two words to. I also think that finding a new person "of interest" could help eliminate these feelings because honestly I have had times where I would hope to get close to people for months but I have never ever actually felt this way, this bad before.
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Heather
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Let's see if we can keep any feelings of shame out of this, okay? I think getting judgy about this is only going to stand in the way of figuring out what's going on.

Really, we're talking about a crush here, one based only on looks, some vague vibe, and your idea of this person. And crushses? They tend to come and go pretty easily when we don't obsess over them.

I also hear you saying you're lonely: I think that might be some of why you've put so much importance on this person and the idea of what this person could offer you. How broad is your social circle right now? Do you feel like you're spending enough time with friends and/or family, and also perhaps any dating?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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helpneeded1
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before I continue I would just like to say thanks!! I really appreciate your advice/help. Nobody I know really wants to hear what I have to say. Right now my social circle is not that broad. I dont really hang outside of classroom activites that much but this is becauses I don't drink and I don't really fancy partying. I think these atriubutes don't really help me because to be honest this is what college is really about. The scene I hang with really enjoys these stuff so its also kinda hard to really fit right in. I'm into more sutle fun like camping/hiking, bowling movies etc but I dont have any friends that like to do this so I spend most of my free time alone/sleeping. I liek to go home some weekends during the semester because I like hanging with family, The respect and appreciate my behavior i.e the don't think I'm lame because I don't party or drink. I have had people in collge call me a baby or good girl because I don't prefer to engage in these things. Also I have never dated anyone before. I mean no one has evr really approched me before in all my 3 years in college but I think this may be because I don't get out much or I don't really kmow why but I am really curious about dating and stuff though. I have never had a boyfriend in my like and I'm 19 and That was what I was really looking forward to going in to college. Never been kissed and the whole nine yards. So I do tend to day dream alot. Most of the time I am in my little bubble in my own world.
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Karybu
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Have you considered looking into student groups at your school for things you're interested in? That can be a great way to expand your social circle, with people who share interests with you to boot. It sounds like forming friendships with people who are a bit more similar to you when it comes to having fun could be really positive for you.

Unfortunately, many people at university do subscribe to the idea that drinking and partying is the only way to have fun, but there are people out there who prefer not to do those things. It can just be a bit tougher to find them sometimes.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Heather
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That is kind of the thing, isn't it? There will be signs and fliers for parties, but very few for not-parties. [Smile]

But I agree with Karyn: alternatives are totally findable, you just have to seek them out and think creatively to find what you like. For example, if there are any environmental clubs, chances are good that's where you're going to find some folks who'd prefer a hike in the woods and a camp over a kegger.

But it sounds like you have been pretty isolated, which makes your reaction to this make a lot more sense. I'm sure you *are* daydreaming about some companionship at this point, and I'm sure not having any is awfully loaded.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copper86
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Speaking as someone who never once "partied" while attending university (and instead went to house planned parties where we played board games and Apples to Apples with minimal drinking - or just lots of candy and chocolate), I can wholeheartedly tell you that drinking and partying are not the backbones of post-secondary experiences. Do you live in residence, or close to campus? You can just start up a small conversation with your classmates - even a simple "Did you do the reading" is a good conversation starter. I'm like you - I'm pretty shy at times - but this line has gained me acquaintances and friends. Actually, during my third year, a student randomly sat beside me and we started off exchanging notes if we missed class, and now she's one of my closest friends. I guarantee you that most students in college get nervous or shy at some point, and all they want is to be accepted, just like you. Just try talking to someone in one of your favourite classes about a topic you're studying, and see what happens. Maybe they have similar interests and you can talk about those! [Smile]

Heather and Karybu are onto something with clubs and school activities. There is something for everyone - colleges often have a ton of clubs to join (mine even had a cheese club! [Smile] ), and you might be able to find a list of college-sponsored clubs in first-year student handbooks, your student centre, or online from the college's website. What do you like to do? It sounds like you're into environmental things, so you could always check out your college's faculty of environmental studies building or classrooms and see if they have any clubs or events going on. You never know what you might find! Do you like volunteering? Finding a place close to campus or off-campus might help you meet students or other potential friends or partners with similar interests.

I struggled making friends in university too, and it was only until my third year that I finally came out of my shell a little more. Sometimes these things take time, but don't give up! You sound very nice, and I'm sure that you'll be able to find friends who share similar interests and hobbies!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Heather
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(You know, even as a vegan, I couldn't helped but be charmed by the idea of a cheese club.

That said, I imagine at least once you had people who came to play chess, and people who went to the chess club wondering where the cheese was. [Razz] )

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copper86
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(I saw that club as a list in my first-year handbook when I had transferred in my second year; and I was quite surprised at first by that club. Now that I seem to be obsessed with it, I kind of wish that I joined - that and the Pokemon club. Yes, I'm sure the cheese and chess clubs might cause some increase in cheese sales. [Wink] )

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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helpneeded1
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Thank you so much for all the responses. Its really great to know that there is a place where I can express myself freely. I'm actually about to be involved with some voulenteer work so I am very much excited about that. And I have joined some other interesting clubs so far and have made a number of aquaintances however I can't say so many "friends" but I am working really hard on that in terms of coming out my shell. And as you said heather I am dreaming "A lot" about companionship, almost everyday. I guess I'm getting tired of waiting and tend to use the people around me as the object of these daydreams but I've been seeing this boy around campus one to many times lately and now I am begining to think heavly about everything, its far past any sexual desire or anything ..its just a weird feeling. I am sorry I keep dragging this on but the more I see him around campus the more He keeps popping into my head and I am really trying to understand why I can't get him out of my head.
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Robin Lee
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Hurrah for the volunteer work! Friendships do take time, and becoming friends with people isn't always something that can be forced. Having lots of acquaintances is a great start. After all, it's hard to make friends if you don't meet and get to know people. [Smile]

You know, it sounds like your thoughts about this boy are really taking on a life of their own. Sometimes, when we think about someone a lot (and trust me, I've done this) they start to take on mythical or magical proportions in our head. Chances are that he's just a regular person like you or me. [Smile]

What do you think it is that's keeping you from just saying "hello" to him and starting up a simple conversation?

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Robin

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