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Author Topic: Healing from being cheated on?
The Confused One
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http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/011234.html

The above thread is when the problems started. Long story short, he started ignoring me around May. Graduation was June/July I think. Right after his graduation, he started becoming a stranger.

Fast forward. When this month started, he kinda hinted that he wanted a break up, because (apparently) I was acting cold towards him. I was not, I was merely being formal because hey, we barely even chat anymore. 4 days before this year's Valentines, he pushed for the break up. Lying to me about not wanting to dump me himself because he still loved me and didn't want to do anything rash. I didn't think much of it. How could I? I was left in the dark. He forced me to stay up till 5am just to finally give in and say 'Fine. I'm dumping you'. I was already fed up with his advances and disappearances. He acted hurt and removed me from skype, where the fight went on, shortly after. I was too tired, so went to sleep. The next day, I had a clearer mind and wanted to say a few last words. So I sent him an email, telling him how sad and disappointed I was in him. Big mistake on my part. Because his replies now hurt me even more. He still acted the victim, even to the point of refusing to understand why I got so pissed at him. Which made me even angrier.

Just to note: I still didn't hate him. I was just pissed at his behaviour. I thought I would be just fine after that, because I did all my suffering last year. I was pretty much dry of tears.

Now, theres this guy, lets call him Guy B. Guy B is a good friend of both the ex and me. The ex didn't want me to tell anyone about us dating, so I had to lie to Guy B to cover things up. I felt guilty for lying. So this morning, I told myself to come clean. Since I was no longer dating the ex, I felt no obligations to continue the lie.

Guy B then says, 'Really? I mean I don't want to sound sceptical if you're telling the truth because I know about his girlfriend... His IRL girlfriend... A Hindu girl... apparently he's converting for her...'

Obviously, I asked him for more info. The ex told him about converting a couple of days ago. My suspicions rose even further because I don't think anyone would convert for another girl (Note: He used to tell me that all religions are shit) if they're hurting. The ex told him about this girl quite a long while ago, calling her his girlfriend. I knew about this girl through yet another friend, Guy C. Guy C didn't know details though. And this was beginning of Jan. I asked him about her and he told me that this girl 'is just a friend'. By this time, I had already forced myself to stop worrying about him and to just trust him. So I DID brush it off as 'just a friend'.

Guy B continues to tell me that the ex went to Mauritius (from Wales) to meet her parents. Guy C told me about this girl AFTER he came back from Mauritius. Raises some questions huh. Especially where he wasn't bothered to come down to Malaysia to meet me, but was totally bothered to go meet her parents in Mauritius. So not only did he continue to lie to me about our own relationship, he continued to press and push me for naked pictures and naked webcam. Especially when I'm at school, he'd dare me to get naked for him in public. This is up until we broke up btw.

So this morning, I find out that I haven't finished hurting afterall. I haven't run dry of tears afterall. I looked like shit and this was right before my classes. I'm home now and hoping that I don't break down again because looking like shit in front of my parents would be a bad idea. Now, all I feel is loathe. Not even hatred, that's an understatement. All I wish is for him to die. And I don't think it's easy to actually and genuinely wish death on ANYONE. Also, no, I don't hate her. I refuse to be as childish as he was. In my eyes, she did not steal him from me. In my eyes, he was a ******* arsehole. I'm willing to bet that she doesn't even know about me. I pity her. I really do hope she doesn't get hurt like I did.

Also, I still have all his messages in skype and gmail. If you wanna read them, just tell me how I can show them to you. I don't care how private they are anymore. All I know is that I want to hurt him so bad. And this rage and depression is really not doing me good. How do I just forget about him? Or do I want to forget? If I don't want to forget, how do I find peace? Do I want to ask Guy B or C to help me find out why he acted the way he did? Will that give me closure? (Also found out this morning that I can no longer find his FB, which would mean he blocked me. So I proceeded to block him from msn, gmail and the game I met him on. I'm also not in the right mind to talk to him right now.)

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Wheeeeeeee!

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Saffron Raymie
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I'm so sorry this is how things turned out, Confused One. Healing from someone breaking a relationship agreement is like healing from any kind of hurt, it's time for some extensive self-care. Make time you nuture, soothe and look after yourself; do the things that ordinarily help you feel comforted and secure. Different people do it differently, maybe keep yourself busy for a little while with friends, or make some space from everything to have some space and alone time - maybe take long soaks in the bath or read a favourite book. Or do both; some things sometimes, so others.

Remember that you've been through such a lot of extremely tough things with this relationship, and be very patient with yourself in your healing. Healing is a very, very long road - and must be taken in baby steps, if you know what I mean? One day at a time.

I think blocking all contact with him was an amazing protective step you took for yourself. After a relationship has ended, even with the hardships you've been through, most people need space away from that person. So, it may also be an idea to stay away from the computer for a while if that's possible - unplug it and maybe spend your time in another room so you aren't tempted with contacting him, is that something that's possible?

I wouldn'ty advise talking to Guys B & C to find out more about this person's dishonesty an abusive behaviour. You need to start your healing, and you can't start by bringing him to the front of your mind, you know? It's your time now, you have to be the focus of your mind.

Seriously, this wasn't a healthy relationship. Pressuring you to be sexual in pictures or on cam is sexual coercion - which is sexual abuse. Daring you to take clothing off at school is something that could get you in trouble, which isn't exactly the action of a caring partner.

This other girl probably didn't know about you, you're probably right. He isn't an honest person, nor caring with his partners. He's been dishonest with you about a few things before; such as saying he's too busy to talk and then chatting to others in the chatroom. So, it sounds very much like you're safer away from this person.

Finding peace comes with healing. It will take time and intensive care to nuture yourself back to emotional wellbeing.

We're here to vent to, as talking it out is a huge part of healing. However, it might be better to do a big chunk of talking it out in person - is there anyone you can go to for support at this incredibly difficult time?

Again, I'm so sorry you've been through something so awful. Sexual abuse, and abuse of any kind is traumatic, making you an abuse survivor.

[ 02-22-2012, 04:41 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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About your future relationships; I really wouldn't go to the forever-and-ever place with this. All guys are indivuals; make different choices, do different things, have different preferences.

This was an abusive relationship, not an ordinary one. The sexual pressure is a huge deal. It was also an incredibly unhealthy relationship - with a lot of blowing you off, dishonesty, not honouring relationship agreements, blaming you for the things he did wrong, calling you names, never saying sorry for his own behaviour etc.

Yes, there are other abusive people and those who have unhealthy relationships out there in the world. The best part of that? You don't have to be in relationships with those people. You are in control of who you have relationships with. If you find yourself with a guy who seems to be acting like your ex? Say goodbye. [Smile] Nobody deserves unhealthy relationships.

Here are some articles to help you reconize any red flags (clues that a potential partner may not be a safe person) in any new people you're considering engaging in a trelationship with in the future:






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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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The Confused One
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Sorry for the delay in reply. I couldn't bring myself to do anything regarding him yesterday. Good news though, I didn't break down like I did on Tues and Wed. Teared a few times while reading those articles, but otherwise, managed to control myself. I know it's good to cry, but it hurts physically. Probably why I've been depressed for so long. Couldn't bring myself to let go of every tiny bit of happiness I could find.

Thank you, for those articles, btw. I should've read them earlier. Everything connected, right from the beginning of this relationship till the end. It was as if those articles was written based on my relationship. I no longer feel seriously upset, which is a good thing I suppose. Only feeling numb now. I guess what made me easy prey was the fact that I never thought I'd ever experience anything close to abuse in my life. It's not that I thought I was immune to it. I just never expected to see abuse ever happening. I thought it was rare and the chances of me getting abused was low. Especially considering that I'm far more educated in these topics (mostly thanks to you guys) compared to the kids my age (around here).

I took note of your suggestion to stay as far away from him. I've withdrawn from the general chat of that game I met him on as another precaution. Sure, I'll be missing a lot of other nice people, but seeing his name hurts enough. Unfortunately, I'm studying in an IT college. Computers and the internet is highly needed for assignments and studies (heck, we don't have text books). I've removed his contacts from my 1st email and Google+. I'm gonna keep him in my second email though, to remember what he did. I don't know if I want to completely forget. I doubt I'd be tempted to contact him. I really don't want to talk to him forever. I might be tempted to contact the new gf though. Might be tempted to warn her, though what stops me from doing it now is that maybe SHE is controlling him.

A question. When someone becomes an abuser, is it likely for it to stop anytime soon? Is it likely for him to 'suddenly' decide not to abuse?

As for talking to someone in person, the only people I feel safe enough to talk to are my ex-classmates who we no longer chat face to face (too busy with new life). And well, they're the type to keep saying 'I told you so' =/ I don't like actual counsellors because they seriously scare me. Well, face to face that is. Typing seems to be more comfortable. A lot of my friends who actually do care are also online. So yes, I'm letting it out quite a bit with a few friends. I don't like to talk anyway, so even if I did go to a counsellor, I don't think she or he would be able to get anything out of me.

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Wheeeeeeee!

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The Confused One
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- 24/2/12
I managed to cry soft tears. It was actually a relief to just let myself cry. Surprisingly, no sobbing. Which is good I guess. Was having a headache the entire day and sobbing makes my head hurt. I was alone the whole day, so I was able to just let go. I also slept a lot. Slowly catching up on my sleep now (lack of it is actually due to assignments, not him).

- 25/2/12
I didn't cry today. Everytime I had thoughts of the ex, my feelings were regret and pity, I dunno. I didn't feel upset. Sad maybe. But yeah, felt much better.

I watched the latest episode of Glee a few hours ago and they performed a song that really moved me. After listening to it once, I suddenly felt a WHOLE lot better. The song was so true, so motivating. I think I'm really glad to have watched Glee today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn676-fLq7I

Because I AM stronger now than I was a year ago. I'm braver and I've learned when to say no. I've learned to insist on it. And now that I'm seeking support here, I'm certain that I'll be able to stand taller very soon.

Which makes me wonder, how will I know when I've found peace? Is this sudden feeling of relief, an illusion, because I want to heal as soon as possible? I know it will take time, but I can't help wanting to get over it fast. I may be braver in general, but in a way, I'm also even more afraid than I was before. Afraid that anyone I happen to like might turn out to be like him. Afraid of angering people I like. Just like how I was so frightened of the ex and avoided pressing for details. How I stayed so passive just to avoid angering him. Now that I think back, I was frightened of him for a very long time...

And I know I still have this fear because theres currently another guy I'm developing feelings for. I'm so afraid of annoying him everytime we chat. I'm also worried that my feelings for him is only because I'm feeling lonely from the relationship I just got out of... A friend told me this isn't true though, because I was already developing feelings for this guy since December... I don't know, my emotions are really confusing at the moment. I just know that this guy is one of the reasons why I haven't completely snapped from the depression and rage. He's able to make me feel better and happier anytime...

Heh, starting to rant again >.>

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Wheeeeeeee!

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Saffron Raymie
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I'm glad the crying feels a little better now, and isn't causing headaches.

Blaming ourselves for the abuse that's done to us is excedingly common among abuse survivors. However, abuse is never the victim's fault; it's the abusers fault - completely and utterly. You weren't 'easy prey'; generally, unless we know a lot about how prevailent abuse is - and how to recognize red flags (the warning signs) - most of us act like you did: we respect others enough not to abuse them, and we expect others to be the same way. However, as you unfortunately found out through going through this terrible experience; not all people respect and care for others enough not to abuse them. So, you weren't 'easy prey' - no victim ever is.

However, it doesn't make sense to jump from thinking it'll never happen to thinking it'll always happen. You are in control of who you have in your life. If a partner gets angry with you, calls you names, blames you for things - that person probably isn't safe. Why do you think guys would be angry with you? For someone to be angry with us, we usually have to have been unfair to them in some way. You were never unfair to you ex. You treated him with care, commitment, knowledge, reponsibilty, respect and trust. If we're treating someone with those six ingredients, and they're getting angry with us? That isn't okay. It's emotional abuse. Does that make sense?

I'm so happy those articles worked out for you! I'm also happy that you've taken just a huge, brave step in protecting yourself from him online. Well done you! [Smile]

I think, per this girl, it's probably not a good idea to contact her at the moment. You need to focus on YOU right now, and nursing yourself back to health, as well as keeping yourself safe from him online. If you contact her, he might contact you - which would mean jepodizing your safety. What do you think?

Another thing that's common with abuse victims, is making excuses for what the abuser did. It's common to blame other people for their actions. However, it isn't likely he's being controlled by this girl. Am I right in thinking the two of you never spoke?

It's understandable that you were frightened of him; that's common with abuse survivors, too. Honestly; no matter how scared we are, how passive we are; we don't cause abuse to happen to us. Abusers do.

When someone is abusive - whether that's sexually, physically, emotionally, verbally, or in other ways - the ONLY way for them to start to change their behaviour is a long process. It can't happen suddenly, no. To change it; firstly they need to really, really strongly WANT to change that behaviour - they need a lot of willpower - and to fully commit themselves to changing. This is the first step. The second step is for them to seek out professional help - someone who is specifically trained to help abusive people quit abusing. Then it's the extensive therapy, and the ongoing commitment to change. Abusive behaviour is a very deep set behavioural pattern; it's incredibly difficult to get rid of. So no, it's highly unlikely he won't be changing anytime soon - as things stand, he won't even take responsibility for his own actions, if you know what I mean?

It's good that you have a few people you can talk to to vent about this hurt you've gone through. That was a great, uplifting, empowering survival song from Kelly Clarkson there. Good for Glee. [Smile] Standing up for yourself, knowing when and how to say no, sticking to what you want and need, and insisting you're treated with respect, being assertive - these are all vital in keeping ourselves healthy, happy and safe. I'm so pleased you've found these lifesaving, protective skills - and your very own survival anthem!

The sudden feeling of relief is probably just where you are in your healing right now. Healing journeys are bumpy roads with lots of ups and downs. It might help to write down your progress in a journal so you can keep track of it? Generally, you'll feel you've found peace when the hurt is less. Obviously, that'll come and go, but healing is about more going and less coming. Like healing a broken leg, we tend to have good days and bad days until we start to have more good and less bad.

About this new guy; my advice here would be to have some space to do some more healing before you become romantically involved with him, and take some time to learn which things are warning signs of abusive or unhealthy behaviour. If engaging in a romantic relationship is something you and him want to do, that is.

It's understandable that you expect him to act like you ex - you've become used to your ex's behaviour and it was your first romantic realtionship - so you have nothing to compare it with. However, if you wait a while to enter a romantic relationship with this new guy you'll know how you feel about him too, as well as whether another romantic relationship is something you want right now. Most of us, after a break up, need time inbetween romantic relationships to heal and process, even after healty relationships. That way, we can figure out what we want fully.

If you do decide to become romantically involved with this guy in the future, and treat him with care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust, and he still gets annoyed or angry with you? It's time to get gone. So, I wouldn't worry about making him angry. Or any potential or actual future partners angry. You don't deserve anything less than a partner's full care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust because you're going to give him yours. That's what healthy relationships are all about.

Rant and vent to us anytime, Confused One! (Or is it 'Stronger One' now? [Smile] )

[ 02-25-2012, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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The Confused One
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Well, yes, it makes sense, but what if I start getting too clingy and that becomes annoying? I've never been able to actually stop clinging... I've been holding on to every tiny bit of happiness that I could find for so long that it's hard to let go. It's a little easier to let go of anything negative because I've sort of trained myself to forget my problems and grow indifferent. No, not by drinking or smoking. But it still worries me that I'll always be so clingy and dependant. I've no idea what to do to get rid of these bad habits either.

I guess that's a plus when it comes to LDRs... a little bit safer than the usual types of relationships. Now that I know it's been abusive, I really don't want to imagine just how things would play out if we were together. Infact, I'm now glad that my parents didn't let me study in UK just yet. I still want to study there, but I'm glad it'll be at a later date when I'll be fully aware of abusive behaviour.

I woke up from a nightmare today. We were apparently in contact again and I was raging at him about his behaviour. Then he was suddenly replaced by his new gf and she started gleefully telling me that it really was her who made him act the way he did. On that nightmare alone, I really don't want to contact him or her forever >.>

As for meeting the girl, from past chats with him, I have suspicions that I knew about her already. About 3 days after I asked him about the girl Guy C told me about, I caught a player (who as far as I know, is new to the game) calling him 'Slave'. And he responded with 'Master' or something. I wasn't paying attention. But I did ask him about that and he avoided pretty much all my questions.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Bbd68IMIq19pBiM4rqGvcpnKE6AL6mXBPGU1GNcdJ3k/edit

But yeah, if it's really that player, I HAVE chatted with her. Just to be safe, I've also blocked this player. The reason why I asked if she's controlling him is because Guy C told me that the way the ex talks about her is as if she's the one in control. I dunno, maybe it's just a new game he wants to play.

I'm definitely starting to feel happier and safer. I'm surprised that I've been able to type about him and not start sobbing. A few months ago, I'd have started sobbing just by reading or by preparing to type. I think I want to do that, write a journal. I want to be able to look back and remember how I was able to keep strong. I guess I'll just wait and see how well I heal.

Yeah, I don't plan on being involved with him (or anyone, for that matter) anytime soon. But he does make me really happy. I was just worried about leading him on if my feelings are really just me trying to replace the ex. Worried that these feelings aren't what I think they are.

In a way, I suppose I'm extremely glad that he found a new girl and forced a break up. Because otherwise, I'd still be in that relationship and I'd still have fake feelings of loyalty. That thought really erases the pain of being cheated on. If he was able to brainwash me into loving him at the beginning, then the pain didn't start from when he started becoming a stranger (which is when he met her, a friend and I are suspecting), it started from when he convinced me that he was harmless.

Funny, I'm actually feeling much better. Didn't think I'd be able to feel better so quickly. Also, new episode! *goes to watch her fav anime* :3

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Wheeeeeeee!

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Saffron Raymie
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'Clingy' is a very emotionally loaded word. It also isn't really ever helpful, and doesn't really mean anything concrete. If you'd like to, perhaps you could choose two or three different words to express why you're worried. For example, do you feel too dependent; too insecure?

Another framework that isn't so sound is 'leading someone on'. This is because sexual and romantic feelings are in constant fluctuation; they are fluid; especially when we're just getting to know somebody new. Hey, even in non-sexual relationships we often evaluate how we feel about people - so you can see how fluid those feelings about new people in our lives would be when sexual attraction and affection are in the mix.

As you know, honesty is vital in relationships - but I don't see you being dishonest here. You feel what you feel right now; and that's your right. If doesn't matter so much what the root of those feelings are, as long as you're happy. After all, with new people, even if you'd never met your ex and had met this new guy first; your feelings of attraction and affection could disappear rapidly - that's just how sexual attraction is.

As for the fear that you feel how you do because you're trying to 'replace' your ex; do you mean that you're actually trying to replace him; or that you're trying to replace the attention, affection and intimate companionship that came from the relationship with your ex?

[ 02-27-2012, 06:36 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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I also noticed something in the conversation you linked. He seems to be talking about 'slaves' and 'masters' in a BDSM context. BDSM isn't about real-life control, but about sexual playing. The person who calls everyone 'slave' is probably doing it in a sexually sugesstive way, and it looks from her profile like she calls most people 'slave'. As you said, there's no way to know if this person was involved with your ex in a sexual or romantic way. It also probably isn't so easy on your healing process to think too deeply about your ex's dishonesty with you. However, blocking people who've spoken to him is a sound and practical idea in cutting contact to protect yourself and stay safe.

However, as with any kind of sexual playing, there has to be fully informed consent. I really think this:

[ConfusedOne]: 'I would have thought you'd be the master.'
[him]: 'Only of you! :yarr:'

really speaks volumes about how abusive he is; saying he's 'the master' of you with no consent or discussion beforehand really isn't okay; especially in the wider context of an abusive relationship. (Nor is making it into a joke by putting ':yarr:'.)

And yes, when we find out people have been dishonest and not honouring relationship agreements, it's understandable we feel better when they break off the relationship with us - much like when we realise that an ex-partner was abusive, and that we'd need to get away from them anyway, for our own safety. I'm so relieved you're doing so great with healing from the abuse, and I'm really pleased you've found a special friend in the new guy you can laugh with. [Smile]

[ 02-27-2012, 07:14 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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The Confused One
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I'm not sure how to explain it actually. I'm very quiet in person. But give me a keyboard and I'll be able to type like a bullet train. This kinda makes me talkative when I'm online. But only when I type. Maybe it's that I feel lonely, but whenever I do a one on one chat with someone, especially if they're a really good friend and they stop replying for more than a few minutes, I tend to start creating walls of text. And then I start worrying if they're not replying is because they're getting annoyed with all my chatter. It was like this when I met the ex too.

I know I should probably get friends who are nearby, but I'm really really not social in person. And I've kinda lost the ability to interact with the locals on their wavelength... if that made sense... Thing is, I've been so exposed to the way Westerners think, that I'm no longer as close-minded as those around me. And to interact with these close-minded people are very hard. It's not that I fear not getting accepted or any of that bull, but that they won't understand me most of the time. Neither do I really understand them anymore.

I've apparently led someone else on before and had to really hurt him to make him understand that I don't feel the same way, so I don't want to cause that same pain to anyone else... I'm not really sure what you mean by fluid... Do you mean flexible? And yeah, I don't believe in lying when it comes to emotions.

As for replacing, I mean the companionship. I'm not too sure how one can 'replace' a lover? o.o

The thing about this person calling others 'slave' is that... well, I've never seen her call anyone else that... But yeah, I'm trying not to think about how much deeper the lies went. All I can think of really is that he didn't care much about me. While that hurts in a way, it's more relief than anything else. It makes the past year have sense. I'm no longer confused about why things happened the way they did. Like, if he didn't care about me, then why should I care about him? lol. I suppose my friends who gave me support really helped.

I'm not really sure what to think of that line actually. I mean, yes, I've mentioned that I'm no dominatrix and I do like the thought of the guy doing the leading, but I've never really talked about full domination aka master&slave thing. There were a few kinky moments where we discussed aspects of it, but I never thought he'd take them seriously. I've always viewed BDSM as just that. All play. So maybe I've put the idea into his head that he can take control of me? I don't know.

Hehe, yeah, I've kind of taken my friends for granted. Been noticing just how awesome and supportive they are. This guy was the one who managed to pull me out of depression. I actually started this year joyful. That might have an impact on how I became 'friendly' with others except the ex lol

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Wheeeeeeee!

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Saffron Raymie
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It sounds to me like the internet is your only outlet to express yourself, and really show the world who you actually are as a person, and therefore be loved and appreciated for who you really are; do you I have that right?

If I do, it's so, so understandable why you'd be extremely talketive online. I mean, in life, some people are a lot more talketive than others. There's nothing wrong with naturally being more talketive. However, when we're around people we feel won't understand us, most of us close off emotionally, and stop communicating, or commuincate very little. As humans, we need affection and commuincation. In fact, I'd even say we need those things to survive. As you feel so isolated where you live, and from the people around you; being online is going to feel like a wonderful thing to you - to be free to express yourself and have your real self understood, so you talk a lot. I wouldn't call that too dependent, or too insecure. When we feel isolated, we tend to love getting the attention we need in the form of internet replies. And that's okay.

If people don't feel they can relate to what we're saying online, they'll tend to find another person to talk to, sure. That's the same thing in life - if we like and can relate to what someone's saying, we make friends. However, being online is different from talking in person. I you'd like a personal story; I, personally, am pretty terrible at talking online socially. Someone can be saying the most gripping, fun stuff - whether that's in walls of text or in short bursts - and I can love and respect that person, but I'll still walk away from the computer; I'll read bits of things here, bits of things there, go and make lunch, go talk to someone in the house, my friends can walk in and distract me, phone'll go off etc, etc [Smile]

People also have different values with the internet - some people think it's polite to say 'be right back' or bye when they're off to make dinner or something. On the other hand, some people think internet talking is something you can just pick up and drop whenever you like.

This is why the internet and texting can cause trouble in relationships sometimes; some people expect a reply straight away because that's how they commincate, and some people think replying ages later is fine, or that just a 'lol' is fine, or leaving without saying anything. We're all different communicators. To avoid any misunderstandings due to difference, it's always an idea to talk about how we commuincate online with our online friends. Do you think this is discussion you have have with your online friends?

If people are saying things we personally find interesting, we're unlikely to be bothered by big chunks of text. Because really, that's what chat rooms and instant messengers are for: chatting! [Smile] If people just don't find what we're saying interesting, they're probably just people we don't have much connectivity with, if you remember that word from Love Letter? Being ourselves means that we find the people we 'click' with the most, in terms of having a connection with each other; common groud. However, a lack of reply doesn't always mean a lack of interest.

If people do get act annoyed with you talking a lot? That says more about them than you; it's not an okay thing get annoyed with someone about; as I said, we're all different online communicators.

Does all that make sense?

Baring in mind that we all need attention from others in order to be happy, healthy people, it's no suprise you want to replace the companionship you had with you ex. I think that's pretty sound and healthy.

As for the person who said you'd 'lead him on'; if and when someone doesn't understand us, that's not our fault. It's not us 'leading them on', it's them not understanding that we have our own feelings, and just because they like us, it doesn't mean that we like them. If someone pushes our boundaries - when we say we're not interested in them romantically, and they keep pushing it - so much that we are pushed to be extremely firm with them - that's because they've been disrespectful with our boundaries. We're not hurting them, or confusing them, we're defending our boundaries. Does that sound like what happened?

You have that right; I meant that sexual feelings are flexible and are ever-changing, especially when people are new in our lives. And I understand, if people clearly don't care for our wellbeing, it makes sense to stop caring about them as people.

Being submissive as part of BDSM - can't cause people to abuse us. So no, you won't have put that idea in his head. Whatever play we happen like in sex, doesn't mean people can be controlling with us in a nonsexual or sexual context, without clear consent to sexual play. Know what I mean?

Have you read this articles yet: Driver's Ed for the Sexual SuperHighway: Navigating Consent and Working the Kinks Out?

[ 02-28-2012, 07:08 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The Confused One
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Hi again

Sorry for this... extra long erm... delay in reply XD I kinda forgot about this discussion. What happened was, shortly after we broke up, I got caught up in assignment deadlines. And immediately after that, it was exams. I'd say those two weeks of school horrors helped in getting over this situation. I managed to forget about him and concentrate on MY life. After that, I had wanted to continue talking about how I can heal, but I just didn't want to erm... 'stab the half-healed wound'? So I let the scab become a scar. In about 2-3 months, I slowly realised that I no longer felt anything. Maybe a bit sad, but mostly indifferent.

Now, I can pretty much talk about him and feel like he's just some random arsehole [Big Grin]

I went through those articles again. Thanks for them [Smile] I've sort of already realised them in the past few months though. But it was good info to read. Atm, I'm glad to be single again, even though I feel a bit lonely. Then again, I've been lonely my whole life and Tom only made it worse lol. Overall, I'm feeling much better about myself. In other words, I feel like I've gone through hell and came right back. I made more friends, discarded some (due to clashing personalities like you mentioned), dealt with an idiot classmate who thinks being a Drama King is a good idea, got rid of another online 'friend' who kept denying to himself that he had feelings for me and then ragequitted on me when I apparently 'played' him o.o That was pretty funny hehe. No idea what I'm playing with if he had no feelings anyway.

I was feeling a little down this week. A few friends have been getting irritated at my... excitable personality. But re-reading this, helped me feel better. Not only am I PMSing atm, and that might have contributed to being emotional, but I think them getting irritated might help me grow even stronger. I'm going to learn how to balance my emotions and try to stop being like a puppy who loves meeting and pouncing on people. Time for me to be a grown bitch XD

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Wheeeeeeee!

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The Confused One
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I'm not sure if I want to laugh till I cry or laugh till I cry. Today, I check my emails and see an email from a dear old friend [Smile]

The ex emailed me. I was talking on that chatroom where we first met about how I don't have 'best friends' etc. This is what he sends me...

"I know this may seem out of the blue, and far from what your looking for, but at the very least I'm still someone you can talk to.

I'm truly saddened to think that you believe you have no friends.. "

Really? I'm confused. Should I start barking in laughter? He obviously doesn't care about the fact that he cheated on me and shattered my heart into smithereens.

Do I reply? Or ignore? I'm thinking ignoring his email would hurt him even more. It's very funny to see that he's sad for me XD Some friends have suggested trolling him with some very sad story about how I got pregnant from an orgy... or give him links to youtube videos of maniacal laughter... I was thinking about telling him a few problems in my life and then slip in a 'So theres this guy named Tom, he broke my heart, etc etc'. Basically, describe him to himself and act as if he's an oooooooooold friend from back then XD

On that note, is there a way to ignore emails on gmail? I've never found the block on emails. Only on gtalk...

[ 09-06-2012, 11:05 PM: Message edited by: The Confused One ]

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Saffron Raymie
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I'm sorry I missed your other post!

So happy to hear you're feeling better, Confused One.

My vote is to ignore this email from him. Sounds like he's trying to worm his way back into your good books, as it were - which seems manipulative to me.

How did he hear that you feel you have no close friends?

Hopefully another user will know how to block emails on gmail and can pitch in on this. I'll have a google and ask the other vols. I'm sure there will be a block feature.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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copper86
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Hi!

I know internet-based email like Hotmail should have some kind of blocking or delete feature. We can mark things as "spam," but I'm not sure if that would solve this. Is this ex on your contact list? You could try taking him off of it, and then his emails might be sent to your junk email filter. Does G-Mail have ways to manage junk mail? If you put it to something like "exclusive" (which is what Hotmail has), he might not be able to contact you.

I know these are only hypothetical solutions, so I'm sorry that I couldn't be of further service! I agree with Rei: it sounds like he is just trying to get back into your good books. You don't owe him a response at all, if you don't feel like answering; or you can answer him after a while or a few days if that is something you would like to do.

I hope you're doing well!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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The Confused One
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I thought he was playing the sympathy 'aww, come here and I'll give you a hug cause everything is alright now that I'm here' card too. It's just so funny that he thinks I'm THAT weak. Are all manipulative idiots like this? I would've thought he has more intelligence than that o.O

He was on that public chatroom. Tbh, he went inactive. I did feel a bit of anger when I saw him in that chat. But I managed to ignore him and it turned out to be a good convo [Smile] All I meant was that I don't have people I can fully trust and fully rely on irl. I shell myself up too much for that. Apparently, he took it as me not having friends at all XD

As for gmail, I'm not sure what it is I want to do lol. I mean, if any sort of block feature only just sends the email to some junk folder, I can do that with filters too. I'd rather have a block feature where it TELLS the other person that he/she can't send the email because he/she is blocked. Maybe that sounds very evil, but it would probably help with making said person lose interest in trying to contact me. For now, I guess filtering to spam is the only option. *goes to do that*

[ 09-07-2012, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: The Confused One ]

Posts: 131 | From: Malaysia | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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