Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » dysfunctional family drama

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: dysfunctional family drama
moonlight bouncing off water
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44338

Icon 4 posted      Profile for moonlight bouncing off water     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
**TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE, RAPE** (trigger warning may apply to whole topic, but I will do my best to put a trigger warning should it apply)

My Aunt C and my cousins are in town and all hell has broken loose. They are staying at my grandma's, not here, so I have had reprieve.

While my mother sister and I were visiting, My Aunt C and my grandmother began to fight. It was not a reasonable fight. They were disrespectful to each other and ran around the house screaming. My drunk Aunt (who came from 5 hours away) got into the car and started it, saying she was going home with her kids.

Meanwhile, my sister, my three of my cousins (a 13 year old and 9 year old who are aunt C's kids, and another one who was visiting alone) and I were alone outside trying to cope and comfort each other. My mother was inside refereeing because she feared for the safety of my grandmother.

I wasn't sure what to do(I am the oldest and wanted to protect the little, so I called my father (after quite some time had passed). He helped me figure out what to do. He said that my sister and I had to some home, we had no choice, and to offer for my cousins to come home.


I was content to believe that my Aunt C was horrible and rediculous, completely at fault. But my mother came home, and now I know some things a part of me wishes I didn't, and that another part of me is glad to know.

My late grandther used to beat my Aunt C very badly. My grandmother did nothing about it.

Another Aunt, Aunt M, was raped as a child by her cousin. My grandmother again did nothing and told my Aunt M that "she was just curious". I am appalled and disgusted.

My mother was very clearly holding back and not telling me everything, or even a small portion of it. These are just examples from a history of my grandmother not supporting my Aunts and mother, but apparentally supporting their 2 brothers.


I feel like everything I know about that side of my family is a lie. I don't know what the other things that have happened are. I am distraught.

Is it okay for this news to affect me so much? I feel like I shouldn't be so affected by the news of the rape and the beatings. They did not happen to me and they did not happen recently. But they affect me a bunch.

How can I deal with this massive shift in what I know?

I am calm, but upset. I don't not ever want to talk to my grandmother again. How can I face her after I know she was so indifferent?

Any perspectives would really be appreciated.

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Moonlight, I am so sorry for what has happened, both to you, your mother, and your aunts. This kind of trauma doesn't just affect the victims or those immediately involved, but also those who care for those victims, so you have every right to feel the way you do. Your feelings are okay, and you have been through so much in so little a time: distress and anger are definitely understandable.

I wish I could say something to help you. Do your cousins know about these events? It seems like you are their protector in some ways... Do you think you would find comfort in being with them, maybe meeting in a neutral place, and talking about that or just being together?

My extended family is dysfunctional, as well - gossip, rumours, and backstabbing are common - and what we usually do is band together as a family. I know your situation is definitely more pressing than situations with my family, however. Do you have any siblings from whom you can seek comfort?

I am also appalled at what occurred, and your grandmother's rationalizations. I understand that you are upset that your mother had kept these things from her. Do you think that, if and when you're ready and a bit calmer, that you would feel comfortable talking to her about any of this, or how you're feeling about the situations and the lying?

Moonlight, you are such a support to the other users here, and please know that you are valued - both here and offline. I truly am sorry that you are hurting. I will be thinking of you.

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44338

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moonlight bouncing off water     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Copper,

Thanks for your response. I think there seems to have been a bit of a miscommunication: my mother and aunts didn't keep any of this information from my grandmother, she knew about it when it happened decades ago and did nothing about it. I am the one who did not know about any of the things that happened to my aunts as children (they are all grown adults now). The abuse and rape occurred far before I was born, but I have really no idea what goes on. I know that none of my aunts and uncles on that side of the family are happy in their marriages or with their lives in general. I know that in Aunt C's household blowing up like this is normal.

I am angry that I did not know about these things in more detail, but I understand why I was not told. What good does it do to tell a child that when her aunt was a little girl she was raped and that the mother of her aunt blamed the aunt? None. So I am glad in that respect. But it makes me lose faith in my extended family. It makes me wonder what else I don't know. It makes me distrust all of them.

I want to see my cousins who are up visiting, but I do not want to have to see my grandmother or aunt. I feel sorry for my cousins, I get to walk away from it but they don't.

You're right that I feel like their protector, at least I situations like that. We (the kids) may have silly squabbles, but we banded together to support each other when this happened by wandering around my grandma's property. But I felt so responsible because I'm the oldest and I had driven a vehicle of my parents there so I could have taken them all to my house if they had agreed, but the didn't want to.

I hate this so much. I hate that they did not deal with all this in the past and I do not want these fights to occur in the future but I fear that they will. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to feel.

I am at work now, but I will not be at work on the weekend. I do not think that I will visit with the cousins if I get the opportunity because I do not want to see the adults.

I hate this. It is not my fault, or any of the kid's faults, that these things occurred yet they are affecting us.

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44338

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moonlight bouncing off water     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
UPDATE: my aunt c and my mother have spoken and my aunt c has said that she is sorry for how she acted and to appologise to my sister and I for her.

My mother has started making pathetic excuses for aunt c, basically feeding me the pap that aunt c fed her to justify her horrid actions. It is rediculous. And she (my mother) is saying that the stuff that got brought up last night about other siblings should not have been brought up, that they were not there and they cannot know what really happened. I don't know if she is refering to aunt m being raped or not, but it is awful no matter what! She cannot deny these things, she can't fail to believe them. That is so damaging and so cruel. She is basically saying that it is not my grandmother's fault for not supporting them. She is saying that you can't change the past. This is true but that doesn't erase the past! And my mother also said that my grandmother cannot be blamed for my grandfather's actions. He is dead so there is nothing that can be done about it, no ammends that can be made. But this does not account for the fact that I am certain my grandmother knew about it and did nothing. Doing nothing to support her chikdren who so desperately needed her is entirely her fault.

I have told my mother that I do not want to see aunt c nor my grandmother this visit. She has said that we will talk about it later. She does not understand that this is my final decision. I will not go in the same room as either of them. I may go to the house but only to see the cousins. If I am in the same room as them I will ignore them or respond curtly and get the heck away from them. They must understand that appologising to me through my mother is not going to erase the way they have acted. It will not erase me watching my 9 year old cousin completely distraught and in tears. It will not erase me watching her older sister feel responsible to make sure her mother didn't get into the car and drive drunk. It won't erase me feeling horrible because I left when the fight was going on. It won't erase how they acted.

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Moonlight, I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this.

I know that it can be very upsetting, confusing and world-up-ending to have something like this going on. You get to feel however you feel about it.

I don't have enough brain to be able to say anything more constructive to you right now, but I did want to offer you a bucket-load of empathy if you'd like it.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44338

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moonlight bouncing off water     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you Redskies for your response. I really admire you and all you do for Scarleteen. It helps me just knowing that someone has read this and is thinking about it. Thank you for the empathy.
(Also, copper, I really admire you too! You both rock!)

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, Moonlight. I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such a tough situation right now. I have been through something similar about 3/4 of a year ago.

Several years earlier I came out with my story as a survivor of sexual, and other types of, abuse inflicted on me by my ex-stepfather (R). I had also harbored feelings of intense anger and betrayal towards my former church, because they had been witnesses of R's abusive behavior conducted at my mother and I and had, instead of reporting him to the authorities, urged me to submit to and obey him.

And as if this isn't enough, 3/4 of a year ago I heard from a current attendee of the church that members of the elders have started doing some very despicable things again. The attendee is fighting a battle to keep custody of her young son against her husband, who is extremely physically and verbally abusive. This woman cannot speak English at all, and therefore was in a position where she needed the help of others. So a lady from my former church volunteered to help her. However, along the way, this lady started many vicious rumors about the woman who was depending on her for help, and eventually ceased to respond to her at all. Not only that, she made it impossible for her to get help from other people by turning those folks against her.

I was enraged beyond belief when I heard of this. I couldn't believe that someone that I had formerly known could be capable of such pure malice. Not helping a person in need is one thing, but to spread false rumors and preventing others from helping her and her child, even when she knew that the mother was severely abused by her husband, and that the child was likely to suffer a similar fate as well???

So I identify with your feelings. Very much so. Even as I thought that my former church wouldn't be capable of doing unto others what they had done unto me, I was proven dead wrong. And I had to see someone else be hurt and tripped over just like I had been, without the power to do anything.

I am very much thinking about you and what is happening around you. Lots of love, support, and hugs from me, if you would like them. And lots of empathy too, from someone who experienced something similar.

--------------------
"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How are you doing with all of this right now, Moonlight?

--------------------
"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44338

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moonlight bouncing off water     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey sans,

I'm doing pretty good. I saw my cousins and my grandmother and aunt c last night. I avoided the rooms where the adults were, so I really didn't have any issues. Apparentally my grandma and aunt c have made up, but I don't believe that for a second. I'm sure there is still simmering resentment on both parts, 55 years of pent up rage and unressolved issues just don't get solved in two days, yet they are pretending as though they have and expect the rest of us to do the same. Much to my resentment they are coming to our house today for dinner. I don't think it will be a big issue BUT are we really rewarding them for acting like the most immature people on the planet? Gosh.

I think it will be alright and I really want to visit with my cousins some more, but I can't help but look at my extended fanily through different eyes.

I won't fight with them or tell them(my aunt and grandmother) just what I think of them, but I really, really want to. Their fight has just been swept under the rug!

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Moonlight, thank you very much for the compliment.

I hope you're still doing fairly ok with this.

You get to decide what kind of relationship you do and don't want, at any time, with each family member (provided they also agree, of course). At the same time, they get to have Their relationships the way They choose, even if that's unhealthy or dysfunctional, and there's not a whole lot you can do about it, even if you have (very legitimate) feelings about it. Some people don't know how to do other than push these things under the rug, and others genuinely decide that it's the best way of continuing to have some kind of relationship, if imperfect, with family members. Too, past events and dynamics tend to be more complex than we can ever know, so our best bet is to let other people get on with it (so long as they're not harming other people) and decide what relationship we want for ourself, on our own feelings.

Just about your grandmother, as you say, any person who doesn't protect or support their child is responsible for that; I'd add that if your grandfather beat at least one of his children, there's a possibility that he in some way harmed, threatened, bullied or controlled your grandmother, too, and if that were the case, her inaction, while still her responsibility, should be considered in that light. Too, the beating that your grandfather did is solely his responsibility and no-one else's, and the lion's share of any hurt and anger about it belongs with him.

It tends to be disconcerting to see our family members differently and to find out significant things, to know that everything wasn't as we thought. A bit of time usually helps a lot. Also, unless it's been disproved, any and all good things you experienced about these people are still true. That can add to the confusion, but with time for the confusion to untangle, the good things can be things to hold onto, if you choose.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sorry for getting back to you so late, Moonlight.

I also hope that you're still doing alright. I think that feelings of resentment and anger are to be expected after such a revelation. But, just the same, the courses of action that others take are for them to decide. I understand that what they choose to do really affects your feelings and not being able to change that can be frustrating.

Lots of support from me! Lots of hugs too if you want them.

Take care.

--------------------
"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3