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Author Topic: life, Love and everything else
moonlight bouncing off water
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Member # 44338

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Well, this past year for me has been perhaps the most life changing year yet. I have emerged from a shell of insecurity and anxiety to be stronger than ever before. I have come out to my parents as bisexual (I actually prefer th term queer, but I wanted to use a term I wouldn't have to explain) and started exploring my gender identity. I've even told my best friend that although I'm uncomfortable with the idea, I don't really know what my gender is. But I know that it isn't something I will figure out overnight and that for the time being, I am okay not knowing.

I had a really difficult break up with my first partner back in the Fall while he was actually in the mental health ward of the local hospital. I'm still dealing with how much of a horrible person I felt like breaking up with him while he was in there, but our relationship had become dependant, and I couldn't wait any longer. I knew that he had resources to help him cope there and that he could adjust to not having me, his sole source of support for 8 months, to help him through it. It took me a long time to get my sense of self back and to start caring for moonlight, not him but I did it.

I've also started up my own business, a Café, and that is the reason that I am having a hard time today. I am very greatful for the opportunities I have had, and without my parents support, I would not be running a business. They are actually running an errand in a town two hours away for me today, becuase I need a day to myself and they want to reward the responsibility and maturity with which I have approached my business. I am writing this post because I need to sort out my emotions and take care of my self before I can run my company (it doesn't operate on the weekends thank goodness).

Yesterday I told my best friend that I have a crush on her. She took it really well and did not freak out. In fact she said that it is kind of nice to be liked and that she appreciates my honesty. We only hung out for the car ride home after that but it wasn't awkward and we were acting the same way we would if I hadn't of told her. I wonder if she reciprocates my feelings, but I want to let her process this at her own pace. She is still figuring out her orientation and preferences, plus she is not over her ex. I don't even think I would want a relationship right now if she did reciprocate (and she's knows that I enjoy being single right now) but another part of me wants to date her. I suppose that I will have to wait and see how she feels about me before I entertain lots of hypotheticals.


Thank you if you have read thus far, I appreciate it. I am worried that, in the midst of all this chaos, that iam going to lose my sense of self or get caught up ineverything that is going on and forget to take good care of myself. How can I prevent this from happening?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Member # 44338

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PS I know that Scarleteen is severly understaffed right now and that most of what I'm asking doesn't fall into the scope of what you do here, so please help others first and don't let me hog the resource.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Oh no. Now things are getting really complicated with the best friend. We are going to talk today but I had to convince her to talk and I'm not sure how forthcoming she'll be with her emotions. How is it that I was head over heels for her a few days ago and yer now I don't even want to see her?

I want to figure this stuff out but I don't really know what I want anymore.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Well, she and I went on a date and it just too weird. Friends only I guess.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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Hey there Moonlight, sorry about the wait. Have you spoken to her about what you both want?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Sans
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Hi Moonlight, just wanted to check in with you today. How are you doing? Do you feel like talking about some of the stuff you brought up in your first post and/or the stuff that happened during the date and the talk with your crush?

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Rei and Sans, thank you for responding

Well I've sort of resolved the stuff with her. We had a "date" but it was really awkward and that sort of dissolved any feelings we had and so we ressolved any feelings oi had.

What's really getting me down right now is my company. It's only been a week that I've been running it but the emotional toil is enormus. I have to get up earlier than I've ever had to (ever had to as the rule not the acception) and once I'm working wait ten hours to be able to leave. Then I come home and don't even get to see my parents because they're still working. My sister is doing some stuff for my company for which I pay her, but all we ever do is fight about it.

I'm worried about the future of my company but I don't feel like I can talk about this to anyone because my parents tell me that a company should not admit when it is having trouble. So when people ask me how my company is going and I say well it feels like a lie. I mean, I've only been at this a week(but I've been planning for 6 months) so I know things will change but I can't feel like a week is forever.

I feel so selfish and stupid because my parents are helping me a lot with my company. I feel like it isn't really me doing it, like they're doing the leg work and I'm reaping the reward. It isn't true, but I also can't help but feel that it is true.

My company is on the same property as my parents and one of their employees is being really mean. She deliberately brings food from a competitor to work with her and gives some of it to another employee there and she makes food and gives it to other people even though its the same type of thing as I'm selling. She's doing it deliberately to be mean. My mom told my sister not to tell me because my feelings would be hurt but my grandma told me about my parents employee doing this. I am hurt, it really hurts my feelings that she would do this when I work so hard.

I feel like this shouldn't be affecting me so much. I like to think of myself as a strong person. I'm 17 and running a company after all! But I can't really believe that I am as amazing as that. I'm just really sad and really tired and I feel so young. People always tell me that I act older than my age but I really don't feel matue at all.

I'm just so tired and so stressed. I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. I should be grateful that I have people's help and that I can start being an entrepreneur now when I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach but all I want to do is sleep and have a carefree life.


I feel like this shouldn't be so hard. My parents are entrepreneurs and they don't break down and cry every night. I feel like me breaking down and crying means that I can't do it. I know that this shouldn't be easy but I feel like it being hard means I'll fail.

People tell me they are so impressed that I'm doing this but when they say that, although I'm flattered, I feel like screaming "but can't you see that I'm on the verge of crying? Don't you know that when a car drives by and decides not to stop that it feels like a slap in the face? Don't yopu know that my ten foot by ten foot building feels like a jail cell not a company?". So okay, some of that is a bit melodramatic but when I get to my worst it all feels true.

I feel so lonely, yet I see people everyday. I feel like I never see my parents, yet they buy coffee from me sevral times a day. I feel like I'm the only one who's ever gone through this yet I know that's not true.

[ 07-16-2012, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
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Hey Moonlight, glad to hear from you. [Smile]

It sounds like that the company is a huge, HUGE commitment for you. With such early rising hours and long working hours, it definitely makes sense why you would feel extremely stressed out.

I'm sorry that you cannot talk to anyone about the concerns you have regarding the future of your company. That must be really difficult for you, especially since it is taking such a toll on you. I mean, you can come here and talk anytime, I'd be happy to listen, but unfortunately I know nothing about business and I'm not sure about others. *cue sheepish smile here*

I do not think that you are selfish or stupid at all, Moonlight. You are investing a lot of your time and energies into an enormous venture, especially for someone of your age. And I think that your parents do want to help and support you (am I right in assuming that they are entrepreneurs themselves?). Please cut yourself some slack. You're a wonderful, hard-working, extremely intelligent person, and that is fact. [Smile]

I think that it might be helpful for you to make a little time for self-care on a regular basis. Such a huge amount of stress on you is surely not constructive for your mental and physical health. What are some methods which you utilize in order to relieve stress/clear your mind?

Ugh. That employee does sound mean. And I totally understand why you are hurt and affected by what she did. Unfortunately not everyone is supportive, kind, and considerate. But, if you can, Moonlight, try not to take it personally. Why do I say this? Because we here at Scarleteen are convinced that you are extremely capable and inspirational. Your parents are supportive of you. That makes for a community of people who greatly appreciate you, plus your parents, against one person who goes out of her way to be deliberately mean. Thousands against one. If I were somewhere near your company I would come to buy food to support you, and I'm sure that many other users here would do the same. I know that it doesn't undo the damage, but you have more people who support you than those who have acted against you. Does that help you to feel a little bit better?

Why shouldn't this be affecting you so much? It's a huge commitment, Moonlight. It is perfectly reasonable for you to feel tired and stressed out. And, believe me, you are not the only one wishing to sleep and live a carefree life. [Wink] Just because it's hard doesn't mean you'll fail, necessarily. It's totally understandable why it would be hard.

I'm sorry, though, that things are so hard for you at the moment. And, again, I think that a bit of self-care is in order. I just want you to know that I totally support you in whatever you decide to do, and I think that you're the best! [Smile]

-hugs for Moonlight if you want them-

Sincerely,

Sans

[ 07-17-2012, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Sans ]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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