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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Long-term relationship in deep trouble

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Author Topic: Long-term relationship in deep trouble
Member # 95707

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Hey Scarleteens :3

I've been in a long-term relationship with this girl I really love for 3 years now..

When we first started going out, we were crazy for each other (the famed honeymoon phase), but her family really hated me.

I knew we couldn't go on that way, so I had to make things work with them.

I put up with racist comments (her family hates the Chinese), I got spit at once, intolerance and general hate.
Like, bumping into her family in public would mean they'd gossip loudly about me and bet on my relationship with her.

But somehow, through seriously consistent effort and really taking the heat, I managed to gain their acceptance.

My girlfriend was crazy in love with me by this time because the few other guys that came before all ran at the first sign of trouble, but I stayed through the thickest of it.

But that kinda set a trend..
As our relationship's gone on, she promised me she'd get a job but she didn't and I ended up having to work more shifts to cover for our dates, she said she'd be more thoughtful about our sexual lives but alas, she'd still want sex her way and whenever she is in the mood.

She'd want to care for me but not want to massage me after bruising days, actively listen to my problems or even humor me and watch me show-off my lame gaming skills.

Overall, it's become more and more one-sided but she's always acted as if it started off on even ground and she did just as much for me.

Yet it's clear to everyone like our mutual friends and family that i'm the one keeping the relationship going, but even with serious talks about it and constantly trying new things, she still won't "put more" into it..

I don't yell or threaten her, never been intimidating, never mistreated her sexually, always cooked for her first before myself, dry her from the rain first and several times caught colds (she didn't really even show any gratitude for that).
I've been an all-round gentleman and I would never do anything to hurt her but when we argue, she raises her voice and defends herself very strongly regardless of whether what she says could deeply her my feelings or not.

Sometimes I think she just treats this as a fling though she always insists it's much more to her than that.

She's a sweet and generally harmless person, but I feel like our relationship is going nowhere and as time goes on, more guys have been into her and i'm quite sure she's going to start flirting a lot more and it's going to just go downhill from there..

It's not really paranoia, she's done it before.

As of tonight, we've declared a cold war.
Just pretend as if we're both already starting college and can't talk to each other.

I'm hoping after this she'll appreciate me a lot more but I just know she's going to flirt around and eventually probably cheat on me..
I just don't know how ready I am for something like that..yet I feel at this point, any closure is good closure..

But when times were good, they were great [Frown]
I feel so..caught in between.

Anyone been in the same pickle??

Posts: 74 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm sorry to hear you're distressed about this Frankie, and sorry to hear about the racism or xenophobia you've had to deal with.

Starting with the sexual stuff, sex should only happen between ANYONE when EVERYONE is involved is in the mood, and only then, for a healthy sexual relationship.

In other words, if she's in the mood and you're not? Then it's not time to be sexual together. If you're in the mood and she's not? It's not time to be sexual together. If she's in the mood AND you're in the mood? THEN it's time.

But for sure, if everything is feeling pretty one-sided where, for instance, you're giving her emotional support or listening when she wants and needs it, but the same isn't coming from her when you do, that's a problem.

Have you talked to her about how one-sided this has been feeling for you, and how you feel like there's an amount of care and effort you're putting into her and the relationship that doesn't feel reciprocal?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 95707

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Thank you so much for your quick reply Heather! [Smile]

Sorry for taking so long myself, I just tend to procrastinate sometimes but after first reading your reply the other day i've felt better all-week!

Anyway since I read your reply we've spoken about those things and she was very apologetic, and she said she realizes it now and she knows what she has to do to make it right, but she relapses a lot and often requires me to say something borderline mean to get her to remember when she's being selfish..

An example of "borderline mean" would be when she's being selfish and I say something like, "This isn't all about you".

But I don't say it all condescending and stuff, just like friendly advice but it just seems to happen all too frequently!
I can't help but wonder if she's repressing some sort of resentment for me or if we need a break or something..

She's always so loving and so ready to express that she loves me, yet often she doesn't really act it out.

For example just today, I helped her with her homework assignment in a subject that's my specialty and it took me 5 hours to complete it to perfection.
I cropped pictures, I proof-read her reports again and again, and did so much work, and when I sent it to her, she sent me a text that specified what I did wrong in point form.

The very first thing she mentioned was "1) Line 35, you spelt 'egregious' wrongly."

I felt so hurt, and she didn't even bother to think it had hurt my feelings even after I completely withdrew myself from that conversation.

Even as of now it hasn't resolved!
In fact, she's upset at me for being upset at her?

That's another recurring oddity.
When she does something wrong, there's a very low threshold to which i'm allowed to get upset with her.

After I break this low threshold, she turns and gets upset at me for being upset at her, and our problem goes unresolved..

I really don't know what to do..I feel like we need a break but I want it to be natural, like the type of break that comes from a family vacation overseas, not one that we call each other and purposefully do..

The next such opportunity for a break only comes around 3 weeks from now, and I honestly don't know if it's right to just play everything by ear til then and let the break kick in in 3 weeks or to just start some change now..

Posts: 74 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Hi Frankie,

That doesn't even sound 'borderline' mean to me, it just sounds honest. I appreciate people letting me know how they feel. You could say it in a mean way, but stating so, depending on the timing and the wording, doesn't itself contain any meanness as far as I can tell.

In general, it sounds like you're putting a lot into this relationship. But there are a couple of things which come to my mind which I imagine could be helpful for you to consider:

Why do all this stuff for her; Proofreading, hair drying, money etc? It sounds like you're working so hard to get something in return but I'm not so sure that it's ever going to work this way, nor that it even should work that way.

It certainly would be nice if she gave you some thanks but it may not be so easy for her and your experience so far is that showers of gratitude aren't quite what you get when you do stuff like this. So again why do it? For me, the point of relationships is just to enjoy some time together with someone that compliments the type of person we are... then everything on top of that can just be nice extras. I can see how relationships can feel transactional and good; a sort of "you scratch my back and I scratch yours" thing, but that's usually short term and requires being a certain types of people with a certain level of discipline.

More often in my experience and in relationships as long as 3 years, without reshuffling some of those dynamics and working on communication, what can be the case is that we slowly start taking on more and more responsibilities or accumulate feelings which we can't find a way to deal with. I don't know if this applies to you but I know that in the past, partners doing lots of stuff for me, which I haven't asked for, has left me feeling stifled and obligated in a way which can foster resentment and even feelings of insufficiency and loneliness. I don't know if this is how she's feeling but my more general point is that just as being honest with her isn't 'borderline mean' that doing lots of stuff for her may, too, not necessarily feel good for her.

From her reactions and your fear that she may resent you it sounds like you suspect that it may be the case, which must be so upsetting, especially given that you have hoped all your efforts could help things.

We could be wrong but how she's actually feeling is something you can only really know from her.

Something else, I especially can't know, is that given that this relationship sounds very difficult and even upsetting for you both, and despite you both having cared for each other and appreciated each-other, why do think you want to stay together, or aim to?

If this is really not working for you guys any-more it might be healthier for you both to move on from it. How do you feel about that possibility?

I don't ask because it's what I think that should happen, but it can put a lot of things in context and make clear what the hard ground is, on which this relationship is being built.

I hope you're ok, these are some very difficult questions, please feel free to take your time through them. Do remember to spend time looking after yourself.

Best wishes.

[ 03-03-2013, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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