Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » My best friend came out but I'm still in love with him...

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: My best friend came out but I'm still in love with him...
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 4 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My Best friend came out to me in January. (he's a guy, im a girl) We've been friends since we were 12 were 18 now. I've also been in love with him since we were younger when he came out to me I was so upset. I wanted to marry him. I don't mind that he's gay and I don't care. I'm here to support him but it's so hard because I'm in love. He talks about his boyfriend a lot and I listen and give the best advice I can but meanwhile I'm miserable because I just want him to love me. I've tried to get over him but ever since he came out it has only strengthened our friendship so we spend more and more time together and the more time we spend together the more I like him. I've told him how I felt several times but it's like he doesn't care. In fact it's getting to the point where we go out and get drunk together at parties and all I want to do is make out with him and then maybe he'll like me. I actually tried to and it ended disastrously he yelled rape at the top of his lungs and I ran away. Every time I bring it up he changes the subject. So now I lay sleepless every night because I can't stop thinking about all of this. Sorry this is so long. Also I'm wondering something else you see in January after my Best Friend came out we were at a party and my other friend we can call him B who had recently come out as bi who liked my best friend tried to hook up with my best friend. My best friend wanted nothing to do with him and me and B hooked up. That was my first kiss id never made out with anyone before. But now its may and he's not bi anymore he's gay. And in April I hooked up with another guy who is gay. I like these guys I do but there all gay. What is my fascination with gay guys?! I don't understand. I want a boyfriend so bad but no gay guys ever going to date me. I'm so messed up I don't even know. Help me

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In situations like this, I think it helps to remember that someone's orientation is usually less of a factor than if they shared the same feelings for you.

In other words, he could be 100% straight and still not have the kind of feelings for you, or interest in you, you have had for him. That's going to happen plenty in most of our lives, where people simply won't share our feelings, even when they potentially could. It sucks, for sure, and it can really hurt depending on the situation, but it's just how it goes.

And even if her was straight, doing things like making out with him wouldn't likely create feelings he didn't already have. Kissing can be amazing, sure, but kisses tend to lack that kind of magical power.

So, whether it's because he's gay, or whether it's because he just hasn't felt a thing for you you have felt for him, I think it's pretty clear you need to accept he doesn't share your feelings, and also take what was a very clear hint -- him yelling rape -- about the boundaries it seems he's been trying to set with you.

How can we help you with both of those things?

Per your other question, are we first sure this is a fascination with gay guys? Or might it just be that your social circle has a lot of bi or gay guys in it?

[ 06-01-2012, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Karebear, nothing is wrong with you at all. I agree with Heather that you should look at your question in the opposite way: perhaps since your social circle has a considerable amount of gay or bi men in it - men whom you see often and therefore interact with on a very frequent basis - you tend to like them more due to those circumstances.

I have actually gone through a very similar experience. I very much cared for my best guy friend, as well. We hung out all the time; and I just liked him more and more. But when I told him I liked him, he did not reciprocate; which really hurt (so I can empathize with how you feel). It was tough, but I eventually got over it... And then, a few months later, he came out to me and told me he was gay. Though I was over him at the time, it still hurt me so much to realize that that was why he had found me unappealing... And even now, it still sometimes stings a little (though we've only gotten closer since his coming out, just like you and your best friend).

I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time; and it's completely understandable. I'm quite angry to read that he had yelled when you had tried to make out with him. That is so rude and uncalled for; regardless of whether or not he was drunk.

How do you feel about hanging out with him just like you used to? Do you think it might help if you maybe distance yourself from him a little bit (still hang out with him and see him, but less often)? That might help you feel a bit better. Surround yourself with other friends and try and remember that he does care for you a lot; though I know it sucks that it's not in the way that you want.

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
I'm quite angry to read that he had yelled when you had tried to make out with him. That is so rude and uncalled for; regardless of whether or not he was drunk.
I do just want to insert into this that without knowing the whole of this situation, I'd not make that leap. If and when someone has already made a sexual/physical boundary clear and another person keeps crossing it, doing something like yelling is fair.

Heck, think of how many people tell victims of sexual abuse and assault that if they did NOT yell, they weren't really assaulted: that yelling or kicking or screaming is the ONLY way anyone will accept someone was not giving consent.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The first guy B is in my circle of friends the 2nd one is in a different circle of friends. We were on a trip in Europe and he came to my room and kissed me when he was drunk so the next night I went to his room and kissed him. Im not sure it's a fascination but I really like the first one B a lot every time we hang out he's so flirty with me but it's just his personality. I would so be more than friends with him but he's into guys. I feel like I'm going to go to college and everyone's going to find me so messed up cause I like gay guys. And all my friends say that I should stop hanging out with my best friend cause it just torments me but I can't not hang out with him I love him. Plus he's trying to come out to his dad and I know that is hard so I can't just abandon him now. I'm sorry i can't really talk about this with anyone else.

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry about that! I guess I just didn't like his word choice. But yes, I shouldn't have made that conclusion. I apologize!

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I disagree that people will find you "messed up" about this.

First of all, people can't know other people are gay, just like people can't know other people are straight, unless people tell that person their orientation in some very direct way.

Am I also getting that when it comes to the guys you have liked who have turned out to be gay it's what....3 of them? And one of the remaining two is someone you met through your gay friend?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes it's three but I've never done anything with straight people. What you both said about the yelling thing I was really upset when he did that it was so embarrassing but you're right about setting his boundaries.

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That's great that you're going to college! When you go, your circle could also expand; and you'll meet lots of new people. Sexuality is a very covert topic sometimes; and so you can't just "tell" - like Heather stated - if someone is gay or of some other orientation. I often saw guys whom I thought were attractive; and later found out that they were gay, but that doesn't really mean anything other than the surface fact that I liked what I saw, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Do you think that maybe you could still hang out with him, but just cut out some of the time; so you can heal and take care of yourself (for instance, if you see him three times a week, maybe try to see him only twice; and see if you can handle that and if it can work for you). I agree that coming out to his dad is a big issue; and I understand that you want to support him through this. But you can always do that via phone calls, texts, or emails, as well. Is his boyfriend being a support through all of this with his dad? He might also be a good source of support.

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
For sure, if and when we overstep someones boundaries and they call us out on it, it can be embarrassing. And hopefully, we don't have to learn about respecting boundaries that way, but sometimes that's what happens. Now you know.

So, here's the thing: you're young. "Never" is a big word around sex when someone isn't 40 or 60 or 80. There's usually a WHOLE lot of "never" when it comes to sexual experiences for people who are in their teens and twenties.

So, maybe some of this means you need to expand your social circle some. It also might involve learning to ask people about their orientation first.

And if it turns out you keep finding yourself drawn to people who aren't really available to you -- for any reason, be it orientation or disinterest or something else entirely -- then it makes sense to dig into that to see if you can't figure out what's up that's creating that pattern. But for now, I think that might be really premature unless you don't think it is.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think you guys are right and give great advice. Today will be the second day we haven't hung out or texted. We havent been apart this long in months. I miss him and I cant stop thinking about him but I guess it's for the best.

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What do you think you need in order to gradually accept his feelings aren't the same as yours and let go in that respect?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm not sure I don't think my feelings for him will ever end.

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, that'd be awfully unlikely. In a lifetime, our feelings about anyone or anything very, very rarely stay static, just like we don't usually stay the same people we are at say, 10 at 40.

So, I get it might feel like that now -- and if you keep saying that to yourself, it's going to make moving on a lot harder -- but the reality of that is about as likely as you being struck by lightening. maybe even less likely, honestly.

So, can we have another go at looking at that question? What do you think could or might help you accept that he's not feeling what you are and probably won't, and that's something you need to get okay with?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Heather I don't know

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Has there ever been anything else you wanted in your life but couldn't have?

If so -- and it's probably safe to assume there has been -- can you think about how you accepted you couldn't have it and moved forward?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess I would just forget about things I couldnt have. But he's not a thing and I could never just forget about him

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, you probably didn't just forget about something you really, really wanted, since that's not usually what happens.

Maybe think about this a little more deeply: take a few hours, even days to do so? More than minutes, anyway. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Additionally, have you ever had a loss of a person before? A family member who dies or a friend who moved away? If so, how did you deal with those situations in terms of accepting those people were gone and you couldn't have the relationships with them you wanted or imagined you might someday?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok so I've done nothing but think about this all night yesterday and the entire day today. I know this sounds like I'm really spoiled but the only things I never got were things I couldn't afford and I would just earn the money and buy it or buy something I could afford or move on to something else. Is that the answer? Move on? As far as losses go I lost an uncle I was really close with in December I'm still not over it. I miss him everyday of my life. I accept the fact that he's gone. But it's differen. I don't know the right answer. His boyfriend is coming soon and maybe when I meet him and they're actually together it will become more real for me and I get it but I don't know right now I feel like this situation is hopeless.

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
HI Carebear14,

There are rarely 100% right answers.

You present two different options here.

1. Moving on: What do you think moving on would look like for you? What would you need to do, or need to have happen in order for you tu start the process of moving on?

2. Seeing Your friend and his boyfriend together: Do you think that might make this more real for you and help you with accepting and moving on?

If you've talked about this and I've missed it, please let me know, but as I read this thread I'm wondering something: How do you think it would be to share your feelings with him? You've described him as your best friend and I'm wondering if letting him know how you feel might help lessen the hold of those feelings? Of course, were you to do this you would need to be prepared for him to react in a variety of ways; his reaction might be neutral or even caring and supportive, or it could be negative. I'm not recommending that you do this, only throwing it out as an option.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I can't imagine how I would move on or if I ever could. I really have no choice unless I want to keep being miserable cause there's literally nothing worse than this feeling. The thing with his boy friend is that we're 18 and his boyfriends 24. They met online and he lives in virginia where as he lives in Florida. Also he teaches high school and my friend and I just graduated high school. I just feel like the relationship is inappropriate. An the age difference really bugs me so no I think seeing them together would make it worse I don't know why I suggested that. I did express to him that I liked him and always have I said it earlier but yeah he was just like yeah I know and changed the conversation. So he knows but it's like he doesn't want to acknowledge it.

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Also is it bad that my friend wants me to go to lunch with him and his boyfriend and I just don't feel comfortable being alone with them. Number one because I don't want to third wheel and two because I don't know if his boyfriend knows that I like him and if he does it's just weird.

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about going to lunch with them. That would be kind of different, even if you didn't like him and felt as if you would be a third wheel. I've often hung out with couples and sometimes felt a bit odd; but maybe it would help if you suggested inviting mutual friends to come along, too. That way, things might not be as difficult. Feelings can never be "bad" in my opinion - as in, right or wrong - they are how you feel and if you feel uncomfortable, that's okay.

As for his boyfriend knowing you like him, I'm honestly not sure. In my situation with my best friend, I still don't know if his boyfriend knew I liked him. He certainly knows we're really good friends; but I guess if he knew I used to like him, it'd be kind of weird but not too bad. Do you think you'd be embarrassed if his boyfriend knew? I wouldn't worry about that. Try to focus on having fun with your friend. I know it's so hard to go through something like this; but it seems like he does care for you a lot, so try and remember that even if it's not in the way you'd want it to be, you're still a big part of his life. Take comfort in that. [Smile]

[ 06-04-2012, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sory I missed your last post, Karebear.

Ideally, I think that when it comes to social things, everyone should be able to choose what they want to do or not based on if they want to have a given social engagement and if they're comfortable. So, I don't see a good/bad here, it's up to you what you're comfortable with, just liek copper said, too.

That said, I think you might ant to think about if this might help you out: sometimes being in the reality of someone having a relationship with someone else, and being happy in it, when that's what you want, can help. After all, you say you care about this person a lot, so you probably want him to be happy. Seeing him with someone and being in their stuff in a limited way might help you move yourself forward with this. Just food for thought: sometimes kind of sitting in our discomfort in some situations can help get us to a more comfortable place.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What do you mean sitting in discomfort? Meaning go to the lunch with them?

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I mean to evaluate if you think it will benefit you more not to go -- and thus, avoid discomfort -- or to go, even if it means being uncomfortable. because it's possible that in the long run, it might help you become more comfortable with the reality that this person is going to be dating people who aren't you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok thanks! I think just talking about all of this for a couple days has helped tremendously. I'm so thankful to be able to get advice and use this as a resource. I just have another question. This guy told me he liked me and that he liked me for my big stomach. I mean I'm not a huge person but I am plus size. He asked me if it was weird and I said yes and he said well its a real thing called BBW look it up. So my friends and I looked it up and watched a YouTube video it was like huge girls in lingerie like overweight people porn. I felt so disgusted and gross because initially I thought he liked me for me but I guess he only liked my body for being fat. It was so uncomfortable. Is that a fetish? And as a bigger girl will I only find guys that like BBW? I ended up turning him away cause I was so creeped out but if these are the only guys that will like me maybe I should have persued it? Maybe a relationship will help me get over my best friend?

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Happy to be of help. [Smile]

So, what you're asking about is objectification, if what that person meant is that they don't see you as a whole person, but as a body part they like, and that's the only reason they like you.

And for sure, no, that's not likely someone to enter into a healthy relationship with where you get to be a whole person, and also no, your size doesn't mean that's only kind of person you'll ever be able to date or will have interest in you. Just like, for instance, blonde people are going to meet people who see them as more than people with blonde hair AND people who only see them as/like them for that reason.

I think you made the right choice with this one by following your gut feelings. Too, a relationship, per se, probably won't be all you need to get past your best friend, and if you sought one out only for that reason, you'd be doing your own kind of objectifying, you know?

Do you feel ready to consider dating? You've been saying a lot of how you can't get past your feelings for this person yet at all, so it hasn't sounded like you're at all there, but maybe I've got that wrong.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Talking about this as I said earlier has helped I'm not over him completely but I've been working on spending less time with him and finally doing things for myself instead of spending every second with him doing what he wants to do. The time apart has not been as bad as I thought. I thought I wouldn't be able to stay away because I wanted to be with him every second and spend every moment with him. At first I did I would be doing something else and be like I wonder what he's doing right now? I did that for a little like the first two days and these last three days when I'm not with him he's not constantly on my mind so I think maybe my feelings for him are going. Of course when I seem him and I'm with him again it's like I'm in love all over again but it's not as hard when were apart anymore. Being away from him is a little difficult since we got summer jobs together too. So to answer the question am I ready to date I don't know. All I want is a relationship so badly I've never had one and I've never even been on a date. So as much as I want to date unfourtunately I don't think I'm ready to. I wish I was but I think if a guy came along I wouldn't be able to get passed the feelings I have for my best friend.

Also the fascination with BBW is not a fetish?

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Fetish is a tricky word, but if we're talking about someone sexually aroused by an object or what isn't an object, but they only see as an object, then yes, fetishism can make sense.

I am so glad to hear you've been able to make that needed space and time for yourself and that you're doing better with it than you thought you would: that's fantastic news!

And maybe you give yourself some more time, and then maybe you try going on some kind of date or another just to see how it goes. The nice thing about dates is that they aren't relationships, they are just meetups, and they aren't promises: you can hang out with someone for a day, night or afternoon and if you don't feel a thing, or they don't, or you both don't, or you get the sense you're really not ready, you don't have to go out again.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Go on a date with who though? Aren't guys supposed to ask you out on dates?

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There's no supposed to here anymore. I mean, sure, those were the social norms in 1960, but it's not 1960 and hasn't been for a long time. [Smile]

Now, people get to ask people if they want to hang out with them, whatever their gender. Formal date-asking isn't something that really happens much at all for anyone in the west, and again, it's been a long time since that happened, especially for young people.

Now it's more of a thing where if you're not already hanging out with someone and then just continue the hangout, you or the other person just ask if you want to hang out sometime, maybe suggesting something cool to do when you do it.

Of course, that's really what dating used to be like, too, but different language can make it seem different, and when gender roles were very, very strictly defined socially, things played out differently.

So, go on a date or hang out with whoever it is you find you have some interest in getting to know who shares that interest.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karebear14
Neophyte
Member # 95929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karebear14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok I'll try it! Like I said thanks so much, for everything! You really founded something fantastic here. To others it might seem like something so little but you can't ask these questions to people and they build up inside and bring you down so it's really nice to get things out so thank you!

--------------------
Karebear14

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Of course, Karebear, and thanks for such lovely compliments. [Smile] I'm so glad you feel that way and have had that experience here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3