Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Past traumas making me scared of starting a new life.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Past traumas making me scared of starting a new life.
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 9 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm graduating high school June 15th and will be attending a University outside of state in towards the later half of August where I will be doing an accelerated masters program to get y Masters Degree in Computer Engineering. However, this is a very drastic change, more in the sense that it is a new environment.

My high school years have been nothing but torture. I was verbally, physically, and sexually abused by the other students there. The only relationship I've ever been in only ended with me being raped and it has been a large struggle to cope from that, and I'm still in the process of healing. I've also had two lung surgeries within the past 6 months and recently suffered from a concussion fro when a student slammed my head into a locker (Ironically, that was brought on to me for saying "no" for the first time in my life). and that particular incident has left me in a huge panic. I woke up in the hospital and it turns out I was raped while unconscious as they found semen in my panties and inside my vagina. I had to get EC so I wouldn't become pregnant and I'm still trying to get through with that with my therapist.

My childhood years weren't any different growing up in an orphanage from birth until I was 8 and having Asperger's Syndrome (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) has made things difficult. I had a very close friend of mine pass away last August and the nearing anniversary of her death is only causing me more distress. I have huge difficulties relating to others and making friends. I did make one though and she has been a great help with helping me cope with my rape trauma (along with the Scarleteen staff and volunteers!), but she going to attend a college in state and we will soon part our ways.

Now, with everything that has happened, I'm almost done with high school and it has left me damaged. I believe too damaged. I'm now terrified of starting a new relationship, even just to be kissed, let alone have sex. And sex was viewed as a very casual thing at my school and me being a virgin (still am asides from the rape) made me a target and was a factor for their abuse towards me.

Going to University does get me away from my current environment, but I'm still terrified. What if all of the same things will happen? Will I ever be able to move on? It's actually very hard to describe my feelings towards starting University, but overall I can't shake this fear. I guess I'm looking for something to clear my head, something I can do or maybe just talking about it may help.

[ 06-03-2012, 06:01 PM: Message edited by: Rosalia ]

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rosalia: can I first check in and see if you have still been seeing the sexual abuse counseling services we connected you with back when who you had told us you began to use for counseling?

If so, have you talked with the, and your therapist about everything you're asking about here? What has their input been? What's their plan, with you, to help you deal with these feelings and fears?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes, I'm still seeing those services.

Since I'm leaving state, they took the liberty to contact the University's counseling service. Aside from that, their input has been it is a healthy thing for me to do to leave this current environment and that any worries I have after I leave can be talked about at the University.

I was told that if I feel very panicky, to not try and make friends on from the start, to let myself to absorb my surroundings first and find myself. But right now, I'm so lost, I don't know if I can. I'm also nervous about the new counseling services because I'm not familiar with them but they do specialize in Rape trauma and sexual abuse.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense right now, my head isn't clear.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You don't know if you can....?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, sorry. I don't know if I can "find myself" as my therapist put it.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, what do you think that means?

I mean, I'd say if you think that means you magically discover all of who you are at the tender age of 18 -- or any age, for that matter -- or because you've gone off to college, that's probably not what was meant, and even if it was, that would be impossible for anyone to do.

What I suspect was meant, something that is doable, is to go to school, gradually feel your way around the new social landscape and your new environs as a whole, and feel out your place in it and who you want to be there in a way that is as comfortable for you as possible.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I thought it overall meant be comfortable with where I'm at. I don't expect a sudden improvement or a magical discovery.

I did mention to my therapist once that I thought I had a bit of an identity crisis, I didn't really know who I was to myself. Maybe it has something to do with that, but I didn't have time to clarify or ask before my parents picked me up.

In regards of what you said, I think my biggest issue would be feeling out who I want to be there.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, like I said, I don't think most people your age feel like they have a handle on who they realy are, and quite a lot of people of every age are still in the process of learning that, as we all tend to be.

I also don't think you can expect to go somewhere new and be comfortable in a new place right away, or where you're at with all the transitions in your life. I think it's a given that most of this is going to be uncomfortable, actually, but that can be okay. It can be okay to not be comfortable, you just have to figure out what coping tools you're going to use to be okay in it, you know?

Maybe a place to start per figuring out who you want to be when there would be to just sit with paper and pen (or keyboard and fingers, whichever you prefer) and journal that out some?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think I'm going to make a list of the available coping tools i have now and will have when I start University.

I'm not sure what I want to be right no, short of getting the masters degree I mentioned. But I'll try writing what I know I want as of now, maybe that will do me some good.

Thank you, Heather. I'm sorry to be replying at late times. I hope to not make coming here a habit, I want to be able to be stress free.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3