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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Testing anxiety. Looking for some friendly encouragement :)

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Author Topic: Testing anxiety. Looking for some friendly encouragement :)
SittingPretty12
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Hi all,
First of all, I love this site. I think it's so positive for young women like myself. It's a place where we are not shamed because of sex. It's really hard to see sex-positive education on here. Hey! My university professor even used a link on this website for reference and recommended we check out the site for questions. Anyway ...

So, I posted here before about getting an STD test recently with my then-BF. Well, I found out that he is a pathological liar, which of course made me nervous about what else he may have lied about. We have since broken up. I went with him to get the results, but my uni's health center doesn't let anybody else in the with results. He was in and out in less than 10 minutes, but I just can't shake the feeling that he may have been lying to me about his results or about the last time he may have had sex with someone (window period concern). You see, he drinks a lot and is careless with his health. So, of course, I have reason to be concerned.

I have always insisted on using protection with him for all genital contact. Sadly, I think a condom may have torn. I am not completely sure, and one can drive themselves NUTS replaying it over and over in their head. So, I've decided not to dwell on it anymore and just take a test. I've been tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia two weeks after the event. Both have shown negative. What's really scaring me is the HIV test. It would shake anybody up. I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood but canceled it because I chickened out.

I guess it's really eating at me because I have taken SO MANY measures to be safe by asking him to get a test with me (I saw him take the blood test, btw) and using condoms at all times. I would hate for one slip up to determine the rest of my life. I'm sick thinking about it. I told my mother about it and she was really supportive. She told me I most likely don't have much to worry about and I should get a test to ease my mind. I know with sex comes responsibility, and I'm fully ready to take on that role. Like I said, I'm very careful with my sexual health. I get tested regularly and have never had condom-less sex. I see girls I know not using condoms all the time and they are so carefree. Then there's me, worried out of my mind! It's a blessing and a curse. I must also note that I am quite an anxious person. I can keep much of it under control, but I am always nervous about my health.

Long story short, I have my HIV Rapid Test with PP on April 10th. I just needed to get this off of my chest and find some support with the lovely ladies of this site. [Smile] Maybe somebody had a similar concern at one time? I'd love to chat!

--------------------
xo.

Posts: 113 | From: West Coast, Best Coast | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
breath
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Hi SittingPretty12,

Welcome to the site. I am sure many others will be sure to comment here, but all I can stay is that there is nothing wrong with being careful and on top of your sexual health.

You did state some strong reasons to be concerned about your BF. Granted that none of us can really know for sure if our partners are lying or not--and that you seem to express some trust issues--perhaps it may be helpful to think about how would you feel if he was indeed lying. Can you stay with someone knowing the risks? If you don't feel comfortable, then perhaps it's time to think about whether or not you want to be engaging with someone who you seem to have an instictual distrust/non-comfort.

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SittingPretty12
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I have since broken up with him (yay!) because of these issues. I couldn't handle it. I found out he lied to me a few times and just cut it off because I knew it would be detrimental to my mental (and maybe) physical health.

He was disappointed that after we got tested he still had to use condoms, so that set off a red flag with me because he knew how important condoms were to me. We broke up a few days after.

I was just worried that the condom may have torn and he did not tell me because he probably wouldn't. I asked him point-blank if we had any condom issues and he said no. I mean, I probably should believe him since condom breakages are rare and I feel as if I would know. Like I said, it's not worth obsessing over, so I'm just taking a test. I just have regrets about dating him and I'm beating myself up for being so stupid to date a liar. But, I'm sure many other women/girls have been in my position [Wink] I know I'm not alone!

Like I said, April 10th just can't come soon enough. I'm both nervous and anxious. Nervous because I'm afraid of my result and anxious because I just want to know! I don't think HIV tests are easy for anybody.

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breath
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Hi SittingPretty

Congrats on taking such a strong good decision for yourself and breaking off with someone who clearly didn't seem to have the same values as you.

Yes, waiting and such is difficult and anxiety provoking, However there is not much any of us (including you ) can do other...than well, just wait. Perhaps you can use this time and the anxiety you are feeling to increase your self awareness about how much of a risk and hell you have to go through...

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SittingPretty12
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Thanks [Smile]

I know what you mean. I've been through the anxiety before and each time I learn a lesson. It's brought me to how I am today. I had him tested and I insisted on a condom at all times. I used to not be like that. But since getting regular HIV tests, I'm much more careful.

The best way I can describe the way I feel is like when you're on a roller coaster and you're clicking all the way up to the top and you're looking down. I officially confirmed my April 10th appointment, so I'll be chatting on this until then just to get some feelings out. I don't want to tell my friends because ... I don't know ... I just don't. I find more solace here.

--------------------
xo.

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breath
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you are welcome to come and drop in here!
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SittingPretty12
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Thanks!

Well, unfortunately, I'm getting more nervous. My ex texted me and told me he was scared of having HIV. I don't really know what this means since he's had sex with several girls since we broke up. Of course, this puts me into a panic and now I'm VERY nervous about getting my test on Monday.

I think he might be doing it for attention, and I highly doubt he has anything ... but that would freak anybody out. You know? It is a really rude thing to somebody to tell them that you're afraid of having it because of your behavior.

I just keep on telling myself that we used condoms and he got tested with me, but I just can't stop freaking out. I'm sorry if this is too much or sounds crazy, I just need to vent.

--------------------
xo.

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SittingPretty12
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Actually, there's apparently been a breakout at my university. I feel like I'm going to be sick. [Frown]

--------------------
xo.

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Saffron Raymie
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Condoms offer a very, very high amount of protection against HIV.

The UNFPA states an effectiveness rate of 90-96% ( Here), Family Health International states a rate of 80% - 97% protection ( Here). Centers for Disease Control and prevention does not tend to state mathematical figures, but instead say that "consistent condom use is highly effective in preventing HIV transmission."

I agree, your ex-partner was being insensitive when he said that he was afraid of HIV to you, without stating why he was afraid (possibly going without condoms with someone else). Did you ask him why?

Outbreaks do happen, but usually when people have been going without condoms. Have you always used condoms?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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And you don't sound crazy at all; this is scary stuff. We're here to vent to. [Smile]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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SittingPretty12
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He's gone without condoms with MANY girls, that's why I made him get tested with me. Like I said, I don't know if he was in the window period .. lied to me .. etc. After I told him he was stressing me out, he called me a paranoid, selfish b*tch. Charming, huh?

Yes, I have ALWAYS used condoms; however, I'm afraid one of them broke with my ex because I felt more wet than usual after sex. Then again, that could be the lube.

Luckily, I have you guys and my friends being really supportive right now. This is the first time I've heard of something like this happening so close to home, apparently there are several confirmed cases rolling in from my uni, which is in a pretty low-risk area. I think everyone is a little scared right now.

--------------------
xo.

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kitkatbits
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Paranoid, selfish bitch? Wow. That sucks that he said that to you.
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Saffron Raymie
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I agree with kitkatbits; what an awful thing to say - I'm sorry you had to go through that. You aren't selfish, what he did was very selfish indeed. If he felt he needed support, it was pretty careless of him to seek it from you, because it was bound to sound extremely worrying to you.

As you've always used condoms with him, you risk of HIV is extremely low. It's very unlikely that the condom broke; as you would have noticed it; they tend to look very obvious when they break - like a popped balloon.

It's likely that the wetness you felt was your own natural lubricants which are present when we're aroused, and any extra lube you were using.

Are you feeling a tiny bit better about this?

[ 04-05-2012, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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SittingPretty12
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I am feeling MUCH better because I cut him out of my life, blocked his number, blocked his Facebook, etc. and of course the support I find on here [Smile] It's really nice that complete strangers take the time to read things and help everybody out.

I have decided to just let this ride out and get tested at my annual which is coming up in June (and where my insurance covers it instead than paying a fee at PP .. my state is not well funded) rather than stressing myself out now where I did not even TRULY have a risk to begin with.

I find my anxiety flares up in high times of stress, so it manifests itself in certain situations.

Him being very mean about it really made it worse. The worst part? He KNOWS I have anxiety, especially health anxiety. I am not totally sure how he expected me to react. I am very heartbroken by all the horrible and nasty things he said to me.

--------------------
xo.

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SittingPretty12
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Actually, I'm going to do it sometime next week since my University is doing free testing. Might as well take advantage. I'm still nervous, but you all have helped out tremendously. [Smile]

--------------------
xo.

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SittingPretty12
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Okay, just an update. I took the test today. I am incredibly nervous, but my nurse calmed me down quite a bit. If I don't get a call by the end of the week, I'm in the clear. Now the wait begins [Frown] wish me luck!

--------------------
xo.

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SittingPretty12
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Hey y'all, just an update: I tested negative for everything. Thanks for the kind words!

I'm technically still in the "window period" for HIV as I got tested at 8 weeks (2 months) post exposure and the time for a conclusive result is 12 weeks (3 months).

However, my uni's health center says that 6+ weeks is reliable, but NOT conclusive. I have to have a follow up. The nurse put my mind at ease -- she said between the condom usage (wasn't even sure if it broke, it probably didn't -- she talked about how effective they really are) and my negative 8 week test, I will probably make it out of the woods okay this time.

So, I'm feeling pretty good right now! Thanks for all of your support [Smile]

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