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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Long, but please help..

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Author Topic: Long, but please help..
potatobabies
Neophyte
Member # 49550

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Hi Scarleteen,

I have posted here a couple of times I think mostly regarding my now ex, and I guess this is another post about him.

I was with my ex for a year and a half, but our whole relationship started out in a bad place. Before me, he was in a relationship with another person since he was 14. When we met we were 17 so he'd been in that relationship for just under 3 years. Anyway, when he told me that he liked me and that he wanted to leave his other GF for me I told him to wait because I would cop all the blame, I would be labelled all sorts of horrible things. He didn't wait like I asked and pretty much pressured me. I DID want to be with him, things just needed to settle between him and his ex.

Because he didn't wait people pretty much found out and I had to leave halfway through year 12 because the bullying was getting to stage where I just couldn't take it anymore, I was anxious to leave the house, to got to the shops in fear that I would run into someone from school. I became really depressed and constantly scared to do anything.

I couldn't help but feel that it was his fault that I didn't finish school and that I lost all of my friends but he got to keep his friends AND finish year 12 so that didn't help to our relationship.

He later moved in to my parents' house with me and things seemed to be going fine and I felt that I truly loved him and that he loved me back.

He was constantly on the xbox360 though. The ONLY time (I'm not even exaggerating here) I got his attention was when we were intimate together, he was always gentle and I felt the most loved then but right after he would be straight back on the xbox and I would be left feeling used and lonely.

Later on, he made this friend on xbox, Ray. He used to talk to this guy day in and day out, I used to go to sleep with his back facing me listening to him talk to Ray instead of me. He later on befriended Ray's wife, Deb, and he started to talk to her more than Ray OR me, I cannot describe the pain that inflicted.

He would play the xbox till the early morning and I would wake up to hear him talking to her. I was so jealous of her and didn't understand why she was more important than me considering they hadn't even met in person and only knew each other for a month.

There would always be a fight about it and he would always get angry at me for being too 'clingy'.

One year into our relationship we decided to move interstate to Darwin for multiple reasons. This would have been the first time he was away from his family but it was the same for me too.

We lived with my sister and things really went downhill from there, he became more and more distant and I was always panicked that he was going to end us at any minute. I tried my hardest to do everything to keep us going but it was like trying to stop an avalanche.

He broke up with me on the 4th of July at 3:30am after I got upset because he wouldn't give me a cuddle when we were in bed, I just remember him turning to me expressionless and saying "This isn't working out" everything felt shattered before me, I felt like someone had a stranglehold of my stomach.
I didn't understand why he was doing this or what I had done.

He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me, that he wanted to just be friends, that he didn't like seeing me hurt like this etc.
He got on a plane back home that same day and left me with a casual "see ya" as if we had just been friends the entire time.

I don't know how to describe the pain.

I tried to tough it out in Darwin, I thought I could get over him easier if I wasn't in the same town. He cut all contact with me, facebook, xbox friends you name it I was cut from it. I was however friends with Deb on facebook, and 2 days after he left she posted pictures of him on her facebook. One of them was of him asleep in a bed, it was sickening and I have no idea why a 30 year old married woman with 2 children had pictures of my ex asleep in a bed on facebook. It was like she was trying to rub salt in my wounds considering she knew that we had split.

I ended up staying in Darwin for an extra month and a half after he left. I couldn't stay up there anymore because my sister had turned on me and treated me like dirt, calling me names every chance she could, I lived in her house in a paranoid state because I would get screamed at by her and her boyfriend for the smallest things i.e: forgetting to get my towels off the line.
She even yelled at me for being so sad after my ex had gone. I was called pathetic and lazy because I apparently didn't clean properly even though I was the ONLY person in the house that ever did clean. She did nothing but take all her anger out on me. I grieved on my own for my ex because I don't like being open with people, I don't like people seeing me sad so I grieved on my own and one day my sister turns around to me and says "You have to grieve on your own, I'm sick of putting up with you and this whole situation with your ex"

I guess that was the last straw, I moved out of her house and in with a friend of my Dads. I lived there for 5 days. The weekend I stayed at his house everything finally hit me and I was beyond depressed, I was so close to suicide at one point that I rang my mum and told her and she booked me a plane ticket home that day.

All I feel is a black empty pain all over.

I'm now back in the same town as my ex, and he has left half of his things here that smell like him that make the pain even worse.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't feel like I can handle it for much longer, I want the pain to stop one way or another. I'm lost and don't know where to start.
I wish I could explain things better because there's so much more to all of this, but this is just a brief outline.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I'm in a mess I can't get out of. I just want some help I can't take any more.

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- 17.07.10 -
<3

Posts: 6 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Oh potatobabies , you have seriously been through the freaking MILL. I am so, so sorry you've had to experience what you have.

Maybe what we can do first is try and suss out what you'd like to do, ideally, right now. We can get to what's possible for you after, but I think knowing what you want is the best place to start.

For instance, do you want to stay living n the town or place you're living? If not, where do you think you ideally would want to go?

If I have things right, you had to leave high school, and were not able to complete it. Would you like to either go back to school or pursue a GED?

If you can visualize your life having all you want in it right now, all you want it to be, what would it look like?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
potatobabies
Neophyte
Member # 49550

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Thank you for reading all that, Heather, I really appreciate that.

I still don't know where I want to live because I don't want to go back to Darwin because I wouldn't have a place to stay, but if I stay here then I don't know, I run the risk of seeing him and it's a small town so gossip travels fast and I just don't want to be known here, I want to be forever forgotten..

I could go to Brisbane with another friend but I am so scared that that will fall through too, it's like I am scared to move an inch because I don't want to keep hurting anymore.

I'm not all that sure what a GED is, sorry but as for going back to school I don't think I can at least not here. I'm officially on a 5 year sabbatical that my former principal organised but I have no intention of completing school here.

My life as I want it right now would be me in the Air Force considering that's the only thing I have wanted to do since I was 3. I just need to get my fitness up because since all that drama happened at school I lost all my fitness and gained some weight.

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- 17.07.10 -
<3

Posts: 6 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

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I think when Heather mentioned the GED, she was talking about completing Year 12/ getting HSC. I don't really have useful advice for you but am sorry to read that you're going through such a painful time. I hope this all gets so much better for you and that you get to achieve your dream of joining the Air Force. You sound like a strong resilient person and I'm sure you can do it. Take care [Smile] .

[ 08-21-2011, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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