posted
As some of you know, I was involved with guy who is 11 yrs older than me. My mom found out about our relationship and reported him. Tomorrow, I have to go see the judge.
Through out the investigation, I found out things about him. I found out that he abuses his girlfriend. I also found out he is 28yrs old not 27yrs old.
I wish no one found out about us. I feel guilty and have anxiety over this. He could spend up to 65 yrs in prison because of this and other things. He has a son to take care of,I didn't want to break his family apart.
posted
Hey Liliamber, it's good to hear from you!!
I am sorry you're feeling so anxious over this-- I can imagine how you can feel that but I assure you that NONE of this is your fault: he's an adult who chose to seek out minors to date when it's illegal and it's been his choice (very wrongly so) to abuse his girlfriend. Please, please, please do not feel guilt because, again, you did nothing wrong! I understand why you're thinking of his family, especially his son, but he's abusing his family right now and getting him away from them and into treatment is going to actually help his family, too. I can understand how you could wish it stayed secret but I really think things are best this way: maybe not now because it's really, really hard but in the long-run.
When you see the judge, just be honest: technically, you have to because it's a court of law, but you're not the one in charge of his verdict: you're just reporting true events and it's up for the judge (jury?) to decide.
How are you doing in general, btw?
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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I hope that you can recognize that one of the big things about a relationship that happens between a much-older adult and a much-younger person is that that person is in a much better position to make their own best choices than the younger person most of the time.
You didn't do any of this by yourself: he made his own choices, choices he's likely way better equipped to make than you are. He certainly knew the risks he was taking, and he chose to take them. If anyone has messed up his family, it was him, not you.
So, when you're talking to the judge, just like anytime you'd talk to a judge, all you need to do is tell the truth, like Lena mentioned. And legally, you have to do that: I hope you're not thinking about lying for him, but if you are, I'd strongly encourage you not to break the law by doing that, okay?
I know having this reported is rough, but I'm actually very relieved that someone did report this, for all the reasons I've offered to report this for you in the past. While going through a court case of any kind is never fun, especially one about your personal life, I think in the long run, it's much better for you that this was reported.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I'm doing ok. I don't feel like doing anything anymore, I have to force myself to do my school work.
I've stopped hurting myself, although right now, I really want to.But I've stopped for two reasons, a)the last time I talked to him, he said that he wants me to be happy and to stop cutting and starving myself b)I'm seeing a psycologist
My friends recently kicked me out of their group. I don't mind this though, they weren't really my friends.
posted
Hey, good to hear from you so quickly again. I understand how it can be really hard to do stuff after a breakup, especially when outside people/forces got involved, but I'm glad you're trying to make yourself do your school work. That's a really good thing even if it's, well, forced for now.
I'm so happy to hear that you've stopped hurting yourself. I'm glad his message helped you stick to this path as well as I'm glad you're seeing a psychologist. How's that for you?
That sucks that your friends reacted the way they did but I'd agree that they weren't true friends, so it's probably for the best long term. And, hey, you can now find good friends, so it's like a blessing in disguise.
It sounds like you're just going through a really hard time right now, and I can understand that. I wish I could do something to help make you start feeling better and seeing that things WILL get better: what about starting to do some "fun" stuff for you, too, like getting some new library books or planning something small but special to look forward to on the weekend? Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I like talking to the psycologist, I'll be seeing her again this friday. My mom randomly decided to get my brother and I pets so now I have a cat.
I am also currently helping my niece with her problems, she too self harms. I am worried for her, she is only 11yrs old.
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I'm glad you like talking to the psychologist: I think it's nice to have someone non-judgemental listen to you who is there just to listen and help, too! Do you like having a cat? I may get a dog in the near future (I know someone who does chihuahua rescue and I'm on the list of possible homes-- this is really exciting to me.) I'm glad you are helping your niece but I can imagine it being hard! Have you told another adult about that yet? I think you could really support her a lot but having that backup would be important.
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I like having my cat, my brother got a dog and we're trying to keep them seperated for now. My nieces' mom knows about it. Of course, I'm not her only source of help, she talks to her school guidance counseler two times a week and is about to see a psycologist soon.
posted
This sounds really positive. I'm so glad that you are part of her support team: you sound like a great cousin! What advice would you give to people who were in the same boat as your cousin? Would you like to share that here, like what you think works and doesn't work in terms of supporting those who self-injure?
And good luck with your pets!
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I think that people who are supporting those that self injure should be patient. They should tell them to stop and that they are worried, eventhough the person that self injures doesn't want to hear it.
Btw, my view of my older cousin has changed. I used to think that he was just a misunderstood guy but now he is just plain bad I actually want him to be in prison now. I thought I was his first underaged girl but now I beleive I am like his 10th because he has told me that he used to date some of the daughters of my moms clients. Those girls are now between 18-20yrs old but they were probably beween 15-16yrs old when he dated them.
posted
Amber: I'm really relieved to hear that you're cultivating some anger about someone who I very strongly had the feeling, as I expressed to you before, was exploiting and manipulating you.
I hope you can also appreciate that if you're right, and he has a history of having sex with very young women and potentially exploiting them the same way, that you going through your court case as you are not only has the power to empower you, but also do potentially protect other girls, which is truly fantastic.
Are you still talking with him, by the way? If so, is that something your lawyer has okayed and knows about?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Hi Liliamber! I think that's good and helpful advice for people supporting those who self-injure: I'll keep it in mind while advising people on the boards.
Like Heather said, I'm also glad that you are feeling the way you do right now about your cousin: anger can be really empowering, and I'm glad that you can also see how you can help prevent him from hurting others, which is also a powerful thing. Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I haven't talked to him since the beginning of this month. I am not allowed to speak to him, he is already jail, anyway. The court date was set for last tues. as I last mentioned but he asked for a continuence so that he can get his own private lawyer. So now, I don't know when the new court date is.
I also found out that the case made front page headlines in my local newspaper about his arrest last weds. If you are interested in reading it, it is titled,"Man Jailed in Teen Sex Case", just type it into google.
posted
Oh, wow, Amber. Media coverage of something so personal can be tough: are you doing okay with that? I know you'd said in the past that you already felt very exposed from people finding out about previous trauma of yours before.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
By the way, reading that and also seeing the weapons and ammunition in his house, there aren't words to express how relieved I am that you're safe.
One thing I really hope you can take away from this for your future safety, Amber, is to hopefully trust a bit more when others tell you something sounds dangerous. I feel like you are very lucky your mother reported: if she hadn't, beyond being exploited, you could have been very seriously harmed here. I don't mean to lecture you at all, but might you consider from here on out putting some extra credence in others suggesting someone isn't safe per their view who you don't see as unsafe yourself? I just want to make sure that from here on out, you're at lot safer than you have been.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I am fine with it, only his name is mentioned in it. My mom made it clear to the police that if there was media coverage on it then my name, her name and the shop she owned should not be included. Most of my teachers know about it though. Yes, now I see that it is good to listen to what other people say instead of just doing what I think is right.
posted
It's actually not legal in the United States for media to show a rape victim's name or face.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
i know how how you feel i had to have my dad put away for sexually molesting me in my sleep it went on for a while but i was so scared to say anything but then i thought what if he did it to someone else. i was so confused i was sad he was going away but also glad he got like 12 or 15 years in prision plus counsling i really do think what your doing is fopr the best hopefully you get through it ok and if you need to talk im here and so arent the others
-------------------- 11-20-09 james tyler mommy loves you Posts: 42 | From: usa | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
I'm doing fine, I saw my therapist yesterday. I'm considering e-mailing the asst. DA about figuring out that I'm not his only victim but I don't want to complicate it even more.
posted
Hey there! I'm glad to hear you're doing fine. I would recommend emailing the assistant DA about this: it's really something that could only help, and it's up to them rather than you to decide how they want to deal with the information. Plus, there's also the legal issue of obstructing justice in terms of withholding information. Now I'm not sure if that would apply to this particular detail, but I say go for it. They want to help you and you want to help them do what it takes to keep other girls/women safe. If you want to write a draft here (like without names), we'd be glad to give you some feedback on it.
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Hi, my name is Amber. We met each other last Tues. at the police station. I would like to inform you that I have figured out that I am not his first underaged victim. I went over past conversations with him and figured out that he used to date the daughters of my mom's clients, 3-4 yrs ago who are now currently between the ages of 18 and 20. With this discovery, my views have changed; I now want him to be in prison and beleive what he did to the other girls was wrong. Also, in a way, I think he manipulated me. Please e-mail me back if you have any questions. Thanks.
posted
Liliamber, that looks EXCELLENT: it's well-written in that it's to the point with good grammar and good form. You did a good job of stating the facts. I see one spelling thing: "believe" is spelling with the "i" before the "e" but it's really no big deal. I say it's ready to send as is! Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I just sent the e-mail. This is what I wrote.
Dear Asst. DA,
Hi, my name is Amber. We met each other last Tues. at the police station. I would like to inform you that I have figured out that I might not be his first underaged victim. I went over past conversations with him and figured out that he used to date the daughters of my mom's clients, 3-4 yrs ago, who are now currently between the ages of 18 and 20. With this discovery, my views have changed; I now want him to be in prison and believe what he did to the other girls was wrong. Also, in a way, I think he manipulated me. Please e-mail me back if you have any questions. You can directly reply to this e-mail or at my other e-mail. Thanks.
P.S. My mom does not know that I am sending you this, but I have talked to other adults and they say that I should give you this information. This is my more private e-mail account. I am not sure if you know I have this account; in the past, I have used this account to e-mail him. Sorry if this complicates things.
posted
That looks good, Liliamber, and it's brave and very positive of you to have sent it. I hope they respond soon in a helpful way. It's hard, for sure, but that's not your doing. Hang in there!
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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Hey Liliamber, I just wanted to say hi and ask how you were doing this week. Do you have Spring Break coming up soon? Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I'm doing good. I'm actually on spring break now. The asst. DA resonded back and hopefully there will be a follow-up interview sometime this week.
posted
Ugh, it's thurs. and so far no one has called to set up the follow-up interview. I'm hoping by tomorrow someone will call; I want to get this over with before school starts again.
posted
Hey there! Yeah, I'm sorry they haven't called yet! However, maybe they're still looking into things? If no one calls by tomorrow, you can always call yourself if you want.
What have you been doing on your break? Have you read any books? Enjoyed the warm weather outside? Gone for a walk with your cat (well, maybe your brother's dog )?
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Just FYI, Amber, in the communication the police have had with me, I offered to add a letter to advocate for you. They said they'll keep in touch with me about it.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
They did, they contacted me. If you want to talk in more detail about this with me, though, since you have an impending court case, it would probably best to do that via email for your own protection/privacy.
Emails sent through that form go right to my inbox.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Throughout the past week, I've figured out many things. After my relationships end, I always analyze them and this is what I've concluded about the relationship with my cousin and about myself.
1. He manipulated me. 2. I pretty much let him do whatever he wanted because I didn't want to get him mad. 3. He is as bad as the other guys I've been with.(They used me and some of them abused me) 4. Half of my problems started because of my relationship with him.(Cutting and starving myself)
There's probably more than this but I can't think of them right now. I almost had another emotional meltdown thinking of this yesterday.
posted
Amber: I know getting to the truth of abusive/manipulative relationships is really hard, but I'm glad to hear you're having these realizations.
Do you have people you can turn to for support in this? A counselor, that teacher you had mentioned back when you trust a lot, friends?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I have a therapist and I could talk to that teacher. Although that teacher will probably make me go see the counselor and whenever I go see the counselor, I always end up missing at least one of my classes. I don't like to miss class.
posted
I think you could tell the teacher that and she'd understand. You could also tel her you are already seeing a therapist privately, so you don't need counseling, you just trust and like her so want her support.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hi Liliamber, just popping by for a second. Those sounds like hard but really good realizations to make. I agree that it's good to reflect upon a relationship after it ended (to a certain extent, like if it feels bad then it may be best to take a break from the analyzing for a bit), although after an abusive relationship like this it can be extra hard. We've given you lots of links before but I'm going to you two big ones again, because I think it'll help reading them at the place you are right now in terms of processing. Of course, if you don't want to or don't feel comfortable doing so, then please take a break from that, too!
Also, to reiterate the point Heather was making about talking to your teacher, which I think is a great idea: as a teacher, you have to refer students to others if it's a dangerous situation or if it would disrupt class, even if the teacher would like to stop everything to talk to you. However, as Heather said, once she knows that you're already getting outside help and just would like to have her as someone you trust and can occasionally share stuff with, that helps her know that you're safe and she's not keeping you from getting help. Also, if she's referring you to the counselor because you're talking to her during class, it's likely because she wants you to get immediate help but can't take the time at that moment. However, if you come by another time where she has the time to focus just on you, like before or after school, she more likely has time to talk. You can always start by asking, "Do you have a second? I'd like to just talk about something quickly." Good luck! Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Hey there! Here you go: they're really informative but may be a tough read when things feel so fresh. However, I do think that also provides a good opportunity for reflection. Please let us know what you think.
posted
Now that I have totally figured things out, he pretty much is the dislikable older boyfriend.
From talking with my therapist on friday, she says he was mentally abusive. I agree with that and to add, he was a little bit verbally abusive.
Here is more on what I figured out.
1. He had his eye on me since I was 8 yrs old, he used to live at my house and always wanted to take me places and wouldn't include my brother. 2. He chose me because I was quiet and isolated. 3. He knew some of the things that my ex boyfriends did to me(abuse) and knew he could have gotten away with anything.
posted
I'm really glad you're having these epiphanies, Amber.
In terms of your #1, there, there's a term for that, not sure if your therapist talked to you about it yet. Predatory people sometimes do something with children called "grooming." In a word, they try and manipulate them into being the way they want them to be, or teach them to react to them in a certain way, when they don't know what that person's real agenda is. It's particularly insidious behaviour, and a big exploitation that takes serious advantage of a child not having the same information or understanding of people that an adult does. It also often exploits children's innate trust of adults, especially family members.
Based on everything you have posted here and what we know about this guy, I'd agree with the assessments you're making. I hope they're helping you heal, and also hope they're helping you develop more tools to avoid people like this in the future and hear others when they're warning you about people like this better.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Well court was yesterday, I testified and yes an article about it is in my local newspaper.
I realized that the relationships I had really influenced the way I've thought about things. Such as me thinking that guys want sex and if you don't give it to them then something bad will happen. I always did what these guys told me to do eventhough I didn't want to because I didn't want to get hurt.
For now, I am avoiding men and am putting off getting into a relationship for at least a year.
posted
Amber: I can't express how proud I am of you. Taking this case to its end took a lot of courage and self-care, and it's wonderful that the charges against your cousin were held.
I know it can feel like a really long road with everything you have been through, but I feel very confident life has some great things in store for you and that we won't be the only ones in your life who are impressed with you.
I think your plan, given, is a smart one, and I hope what the next year allows you to do is to explore your own goals and dreams and get started on making them happen!
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63275 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I have no idea where to put this at so I'm going to put it here since I just need to talk.
Ok, well to start, I haven't seen my therapist in three weeks and won't be for a while because the company my therapist works for messed up with billing the insurance company. This pissed my mom off and she stopped my counseling.
The thing is I need counseling, I need someone to talk to. Although I think that the therapist I was talking to wasn't really the kind I needed. I liked her and all and it was helping me but I think someone specialized in sexual abuse/trauma would be better. I'm not going to tell my mom that though.
One of my guy friends likes to put his hand on my leg/ thigh, I just freeze up and act like everythings ok. I just can't tell him to take his hand off.
Yesterday one of my brothers friends, one of the guys I did things with 4 yrs ago texted me and asked if I was home. I said yes and asked him why he wanted to know. His reply was you know...wondering if you are still willing.
I knew what he meant by this, he wanted me to do sexual things for him. From everything that happened, I can say no to guys now and I replied with No sorry. He didn't text back.
After this I like felt aweful kinda. It's hard to describe, it's like a guilty,ashamed,I want to hurt myself again feeling. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do.
Guys at school annoy me all the time, asking me out eventhough I said no, making sexual jokes,etc. Most people in school are annoying in general. This is the reason why I'm leaving high school early and going to a college in another state.
posted
I’m so sorry things got messed up with your counseling. Have you tried talking to your mom about how important you feel seeing your counselor is, and that you really do need to be talking with her? If not, it may help. Sometimes when we’re really upset about something being reminded how important it is to someone we care about helps.
Have you tried talking to your friend about how you feel in terms of his hand on your leg when you were alone but he wasn’t touching you? You don’t even need to explain why, simply that it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable, and you’d rather he tough your hand or show his affection for you some other way?
I am really very proud of you that you said no, and feel more confident in doing so now. That really is such a big step, and I hope you’re really proud of yourself as well. Per your feelings, there’s no reason at all to feel ashamed. I’m sorry he didn’t react well to your declining being with him like that, but try to look at how much you achieved in doing so. And you’ll go off to college and become a big success, and really help a lot of people along the way.
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3365 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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I'm sorry that you had to stop counseling. Is it possible for *you* to call the counseling practice your self and ask for the name of a counselor that specialized in sexual abuse? Then, do you think your mom would be open to you suggesting a new counselor? If so, you don't have to say why you've chosen that particular one (you can always say something vague such as "I've heard good things..."). You could also call a rape crisis center or even the police to get a list of therapists that frequently deal with sexual abuse survivors. Then, you can cross reference that list with people your insurance will cover.
Can you avoiding sitting or standing next to this guy? Or, is this the type of friend you could talk to when he's *not* touching you? If so, you could simply ask him to not touch you anymore. If he continues, that's a sign that this isn't a guy you should be spending time around.
I'm glad to hear that you were able to say no to this guy. Since I can tell you're really not comfortable with it, I'd suggest you make a mention to your brother that you really don't want his friends coming on to you. Would that work?
Do you think you will hurt yourself, or is it just the desire to coming back?
Hang in there--hopefully you can get into new counseling soon.
Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
I do have the number of the crime victim advocate that was assigned to me because of what is going on, which is mentioned in the older posts. But I don't want to call her because I would feel like I'm bothering her.
With my brothers friend I have declined him before and he said he understood. I guess I felt ashamed because he brought it up, I just want the things I did back then and other things to be forgotten.
My brothers friends have done these things before and he knows about all of the things his other friends did but not this guy and I don't want to tell him
I don't like talking with my mom. There's just some things that I want to tell her but can't eventhough what I tell her might give her a better understanding about what I'm going through.
It is possible to avoid my friend, I only see him at lunch once every two weeks or so and thats when he puts his hand on my leg. But the thing is, I sorta led him to this I guess. Of course this isn't true but I used to hug him and sit on his lap in the morning a lot.
I don't think I'm going to hurt myself, I'm just thinking about it. My therapist made me throw away my blades, I did that but after a week I got more which I shouldn't have, in a way having them in my room is comforting.
posted
Do you think you would be okay with getting rid of those blades now? Or having them somewhere that they won't be readily available. Even if you don't think you will, if things get bad they should be right there where you can easily access them, make sense?
Also, I'd try letting this friend know that it makes you uncomfortable now. Because things were different before, it's possible he doesn't think anything of touching your leg. If he doesn't respect that decision then it's time to really consider if he's someone you can trust, make sense?
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3365 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
It makes sense, I'll put them in a place where it'd be hard to get them if I need to. But I can't really hurt myself right now, I have interviews to go to and school in the summer.
I'd tell my friend that it makes me uncomfortable.
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