Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I feel ignored

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: I feel ignored
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

Icon 5 posted      Profile for Ste-Funnie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There's a guy in my school who I have a lot in common with and I wanna get to know him as a friend. I have a para in school and so does he. Every time I see him in school, he just talks to me for 1 second. Then, he hugs my aid. Every single time. I'm like chopped liver. He hugs her every time we're seen. All I get is "Hi-Bye". What? I mean, seriously, am I not good enough to get to know him. Honestly. Afterwards, I end up drawing a comic about it. Only I make it fictionally stupid. I make it like my aid was squeezing his cheeks, etc. even though all they do is hug. But I'm still jealous. Not the kind of jealous, like romantically jealous, on the grounds that A) my aid is too old for him B) she's married. So it ain't that kind of jealousy. On the other hand, that dude really should be friends with people his age. It doesn't sound appropriate to just hang out with teachers. Plus, I'm not romantically jealous at all, b/c I'm just interested in being his friend, considering I'm a queer woman. So anyways, what should I do to get to know him, b/c I feel like he's ignoring me. I think we'd make good friends.

--------------------
~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50455

Icon 1 posted      Profile for CoatRack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sometimes people aren't going to be friends with other people. If you have something in common then you can try striking up a conversation about it but, honestly, there's nothing wrong with somebody picking who they are friends with.

You don't know what his challenges are and maybe he's just way more comfortable getting to know older people.

If you have any classes or time together you could ask your aid if she'd suggest a game or something to play together - all four of you. Something like apples to apples at lunch or maybe at the end of a class period can be a lot of fun and a good way to get talking.

--------------------
Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

Posts: 441 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ste-Funnie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I never have time to strike up a conversation. No offense CR but a lot of your advices are no help. In the first paragraph, where you said, "Sometimes people aren't going to be friends with other people. If you have something in common then you can try striking up a conversation about it but, honestly, there's nothing wrong with somebody picking who they are friends with", you sounded like you were making me the bad person. On the grounds that we both don't even know if he's choosing not to be friends with me or whatnot. Therefore, since this is anonymous, you don't even know the kid. It ain't like I was forcing him to be my friend. I never even said anything to him about it. We both don't know what's up. And since it's like that, I still seek advice. On the grounds that since I never have time to start a convo, y'all got anything else?

--------------------
~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't think anyone is making anyone "the bad person" here or even saying there is a bad person in this picture.

But I'm perplexed.

If you never have time to start a conversation, how would you have time for a friendship?

Or, are you saying he doesn't give you any more time than that one second in which all you can say is hello? If that's what you mean, then I think you may need to accept that this person may be making clear by not making any more time than that that he isn't interested in a friendship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ste-Funnie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No, Heather. That ain't what I meant. What you said in the last paragraph, no. It's not his fault. I don't have time as in, I only have a little bit of time.

And again, none of us know for sure if he chooses not to be friends with me. Maybe he don't know that I'm interested. Maybe he doesn't even know I wanna be friends with him.

Sometimes feel like you jump to conclusion, like how you guys have this insane idea that he doesn't want to, on the grounds that is that the only idea you have in mind? I'm sure there are other reasons. Like I said, we don't know for sure. So I think that it wasn't a good idea to just give one idea, b/c there is always more than one reason for things.

--------------------
~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skiesofgreen
Activist
Member # 46170

Icon 1 posted      Profile for skiesofgreen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Ste-Funnie, I highly doubt Heather or CoatRack were jumping to conclusions or that they meant to make you feel like you were being accused of being a bad person.

However, based on your first post, I would be inclined to agree with Heather and CoatRack, but, since the information there is limited, and you feel there might be more to it than that, it might be a good idea to fish out some more details.

When you say you don't have time, what precisely do you mean. Do you mean, in your life in general, you do not have a lot of time to dedicate to making friends? Or do you mean that at school you do not have a lot of time to do this? Or do you mean that in those moments where you have hi-hello conversations that you don't have enough time to pursue greater conversation with him?

Also in your first post you say you feel like he's ignoring you because he leaves the conversation with you at "hi/hello." Are there any other situations where he also makes you feel ignored? Or is this, generally speaking, your only interaction with him?

Also, may I ask why you feel Heather's analysis is an "insane idea"?

[ 01-23-2011, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

Posts: 245 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50455

Icon 1 posted      Profile for CoatRack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Of course we don't know the situation, but you knew that when you posted here. We have only the information you provide, in the context you provide it. And based on what you have said, we gave our responses. You seem to be mad that our responses aren't what you want to hear. I'm sorry that we didn't say what you wanted to hear, but that can be a potential problem with posting on internet messageboards.

--------------------
Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

Posts: 441 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ste-Funnie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
CR: I wouldn't use the term "what I wanna hear". It's not really about wanting to hear it, it's that what you were saying isn't helping. That's all.

skiesofgreen: I don't have time to interact with him, b/c of school. My schedule. We both have to get to class. But also the parts that I feel ignored, is the part that he'd only hug my aid. NEVER me.

Heather's idea I was referring to that it's insane, it it an insane idea. It was even insane-er when she said that if he chooses not to be friends w me I should accept it. How am I supposed to accept it. I have to see him a lot. I have to see "Ahh! Miss *!" "Ahh! 'Nick Jonas'!" Maybe I could get him back. Squeeze a different guy and show him how I feel. See how he likes it. I mean there have been people who wanted to be friends with me that thought I didn't like them, b/c it's hard for me to notice curtain things b/c of my disability.

Plus who wouldn't wanna be friends w me. I deserve it. I'm nice, sweet, and cool. I have great personality.

--------------------
~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skiesofgreen
Activist
Member # 46170

Icon 1 posted      Profile for skiesofgreen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're absolute right, you do deserve friends and I'm sure you do have an amazing personality. That's a fantastic way to view yourself. [Smile]

However, just as a general note, it's important to realise that even if we are amazing, fantastic people who would make amazing friends, not everyone is going to feel that way about us. Sometimes, for whatever reason, some people aren't going to see us as awesome as we know we are, or might recognize us as amazing people but also know that we're not compatible with them for friendship or that they're not in a place where they can pursue a friendship with us. And, as sad as it might make us feel at times, no one is obligated to be friends with us. Just like you have the right to not be friends with anyone you don't want to be friends with, when someone chooses not be friends with you, as sucking and crummy as that may decision may feel, they have that right too. That might not feel like very helpful advice right now but it is important to know.

That said, when it comes to this particular person, if you're not having much time to interact with him do you think perhaps that he just doesn't know you well enough to feel comfortable giving you a hug rather than this being a sign of him ignoring you? As for him hugging your aid, does he have a longer standing relationship with her? Or is it possible that he simply feels more comfortable with her (maybe because she's not his peer in the same way you are, which can intimidate some people)?

Now if you do want to pursue a friendship with this person, have you tried striking up a longer conversation with him when you bump into him? For instance, when he says hi have you tried asking him about school, his interests etc. ? Also if you do not have time to pursue friendship with him during school hours, do you have time to hang out and get to know him outside of school? Such as common extracurriculars or with other friends?

I ask because in order to establish a friendship we generally need to have time to spend with that person and have time to talk to them.

Also, I'd strongly advise you against acting out in jealousy. While you feeling jealous is totally valid and feeling rejected totally sucks, it's important to know that how we deal with those feelings lies on us, and acting out or trying to hurt this person back is likely only going to make you, him and possibly even your aid feel a whole lot worse. Not to mention is not a very good starting ground for any possible relationship.

[ 01-23-2011, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]

Posts: 245 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ste-Funnie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The last paragraph you said "I'd strongly advise you against acting out in jealousy", First off, I don't. I keep it to myself. They don't even know I'm jealous. What I did was draw a comic to get it out of my system.

What you said in the second paragraph, I keep telling you, neither you or I know if he actually is choosing not to befriend me. For the 50th time, there are other choices. For instance, he probably doesn't even know I wanna be his friends. Maybe he ain't thinking about the idea. I haven't spoke to him about it, considering I haven't been to school. I've been off b/c of midterms.

I am still against him bonding w/ teachers. I don't care. Go ahead and take his side. That don't change how I feel. Idk why he pays no attention to me. If I find a reason, I'll tell you when. Then we could talk it over. How does that sound?

--------------------
~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Moviegeek
Neophyte
Member # 53094

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Moviegeek     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The problem might be that he's shy- to shy to really talk to you. And if you're really busy, then that might intimidate him a bit, since he'd basically have to make an appointment to hang out.

It can be easier to talk to aids and teachers because they aren't possible romantic interests (yeah- he might be shy because he has a crush!) and really do make good friends. I can honestly say that there have been times in my life where my teachers ranked among my best friends, since they know how to relate to people my age.

On the off chance that he doesn't want to be friends- purely hypothetical here- how would you know? It's considered really rude to just walk up to someone and say 'I don't want to be friends'. So they act kind of like this guy is acting. Avoidance.

So it's a toss-up. He might want to be friends, he might not. The best way to find out is asking whether he wants to hang out sometime. If he says no, then this might not be a good time for him to be making friends (it happens. Sometimes I really just can't hang out with someone.). If he says yes, then cool! You can hang out and get to know eachother.

Posts: 15 | From: Illinois | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
Activist
Member # 50934

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ste-Funnie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
To tell u the truth, a lot of people have admitted that they don't wanna be friends w me. People who avoid me don't say hi, or even say my name. They just give me a little wave and pretend I don't exist.

You're right, I should invite him to hang out some time.

You know there's more than one reason why people say no. Like he might have important errands, or a funeral, etc. He could possibly be making up an excuse if he is avoiding me.

One way to find out if it is the case, is to say "maybe some other time". If he says "sure maybe some other time", then he really is busy and is interested. If he either says "I'm going to be busy a lot", or "Uhhhhh....sure", or "maybe", then he's making it up. It's like testing him out.

--------------------
~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3