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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » overlooked aspect in the sexual abuse i experienced

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Author Topic: overlooked aspect in the sexual abuse i experienced
May Day
Activist
Member # 39174

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[trigger warning for sexual abuse, including oral rape]

I am a survivor of sexual abuse within a domestic relationship. Recently, i concluded the counselling i was having to address and resolve the trauma i experienced during that relationship, and the toll it took on my life and identity after the relationship ended. I feel.. pretty good actually, the healing progress i've made is because of my strengths.

This afternoon i read this: http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=88537

And found the latter part, on receiving oral rape to be really confronting. Throughout addressing the abuse, i have largely thought about my experiences with PIV sex. Oral sex as part of the abuse hasn't been something i've considered. But reading that article made me realise that actually.. that is something i've experienced. It was pretty upsetting to realise too, and triggering: i remembered how intimidated i felt, how "broken" i was made to feel because i could not respond as my rapist demanded. It also brought up a whole lotta memories i find humiliating of myself with my last boyfriend, where i would panic and go into hysterics and cry and cry in reaction to a small inclusion of oral sex.

It's interesting that this hasn't been a clear concept in my mind until now, considering that from the beginning of my seeking counselling (4 months before i first called my experiences rape) i was really plagued with feelings of inadequacy sexually, that i was faulty. Many of those feelings definitely arose from being forced into receiving oral sex and then not giving the "appropriate" response.

So right not, i'm not feeling particularly well grounded. It all feels pretty real. I'm gonna go get myself back to here and now.
I'd like some input from volunteers, but that's not essentiel. I mostly wanted to get this outta my system somewhere understanding people can respond.

Posts: 172 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Pandy's is such a great resource. They just won a very well-deserved award this year, too.

One of the many unfortunate things about so many people and so much of culture defining intercourse as sex is that that also translates into people defining rape as only intercourse. (We define it differently, FTR.)

I'm glad you've had these realizations: sounds like you're feeling good about them?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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May Day
Activist
Member # 39174

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Yea, i agree, i really enjoy browsing that site and their forums.

It's always been quite obvious to me that since sex =/= intercourse, sexual assault cannot be just intercourse. Nevertheless, *my* most vivid memories and fears have been of intercourse, so it makes sense that i would concentrate on that.
Leaving other aspects unspoken meant i got a real shock when they came up. Today, i feel much better and much more "that makes sense, okay means i can be aware in the future".

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think one of the hardest parts of healing from rape is how often we just can't anticipate what we'll feel or experience in that process, and how often we can be surprised in really tough ways. [Frown]

oddly enough, I have a fried in from out of town, and just tonight we were talking about a time in my life in the early 90's where I got very surprised by part of my own process many years back, and really made a total mess of one of my relationships and my life for a while.

[ 04-25-2010, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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fighter girl
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Member # 48392

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hey may day!
its weird u said this as only a couple of days ago i read this article myself. i was victim of sexual abuse wen i was seven by my babysiter several times, im fifteen now and have only just begun confronting the issue. i live in the same town as my abuser and pass him from time to time which isnt a great help. the main thing for seven years which was a major issues was that he was my mum's (now ex) boyfriends son, the abuse happened for about a year on and off as he would babysit myself and my sister, but my mum and his dad were together until just this christmas, so i had to see him on everyone one of our birthdays and weneva they came over and i coudlnt do anything about, due to the fact i refuse to let my family know of it because of the numreous problems it'd cause.since he did this i have found it extremely difficult to trust anyone, my self confidence hit rock bottom, i couldnt control my anger wenever iwas reminded of it, as well as number of other problems he caused.

until i read the article on pandys site, i thought what happended couldnt possibly be as bad as what the majority of other victims had gone through, but as i read this it caught me completely off guard that what had happened was actually considered rape, i had convinced my self over and over again that it was otherwise, and wen i finally told a friend about it, i swore that i wasnt raped, wen she asked. im glad i managed to persuade my self to tell a friend or two of what happened as they are now supporting me even more than i thought possible and hopefully ill beable to sort it out now that i have told someone.

In other words i completely understand how you must have felt reading that article, im sorry to hear wot happened but its good your talking about it and working your way through it, if u need to talk about it anymore i would love to help [Smile] it sounds like youre beginning to feel better now, let me know how it goes

thanks xx

[ 08-19-2010, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: fighter girl ]

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