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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I put sex on hold and now I feel better.

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Author Topic: I put sex on hold and now I feel better.
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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This comes up a lot here. We've had plenty of people for whom things like anxiety, lack of access to birth control, conflicts with personal values, troubles in relationships, negative body image and other issues have made sexual relationships/activities problematic or less positive than they could be.

Sometimes we suggest stepping back from sex -- or not starting sexual relationships yet at all -- and sometimes users come to that conclusion and make that choice all on their own.

For those of who who have done that or are doing that, I thought it might be helpful to have a thread where you could share experiences and support each other.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bun Bun
Member # 37353

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My own experience is definitely on a much smaller scale. Because of past abuse, I sometimes have troubles having sex without feeling like that's what the relationship is all about. It's a ridiculous thought, seeing as I'm in a 4 year monogamous relationship, but it causes a lot of anxiety! Also, though it's pretty rare, sex sometimes makes me feel worthless and guilty. So whenever I get those feelings, I talk with my partner and we decide to abstain until I'm feeling more comfortable with sex. It's usually only for a couple of weeks or so, but it's incredibly beneficial for my emotional health.

I'm so lucky to have such a supportive partner. He can sense if I'm not fully engaged in sex and is insistant that we wait until I really, really want it.

I'm just wondering if anybody else feels like sometimes your not having sex "enough" in your relationship. I think it's obvious that there's no standard amount of sex you're supposed to have in a relationship, but I sometimes convince myself that I'm somehow not being a good girlfriend because we don't have sex more.

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Member # 29128

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Bun Bun, your partner sounds so cool! Good for you for finding something that works for you; I don't know that I think many feelings are ridiculous. Especially in the context of a relationship.

I have felt like I'm not having sex "enough" in almost every relationship I've been in. Within my most recent one though, we agreed to put sex on hold for various reasons (I was not feeling fully engaged in sex, the relationship was not great in some other ways, I was having serious problems working out what kinds of things actually felt arousing for me, desire !=arousal). It felt really relaxing for me. It was me who needed time out from sex, rather than my partner; he found it really difficult. Even though I think it is totally fine to not want to have sex/want to take a break from it, and I don't think it's a reflection of your feelings about a partner unless those feelings are the REASON to not have sex for awhile, I still feel sort of deficient.

Posts: 79 | From: the southern hemisphere | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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It's difficult to find a balance where both partners want the same amount. With my first sexual partner, I was ridiculously attracted to him and we had intense chemistry and I pretty much wanted to have sex with him as much as humanly possible. Unfortunately, he wasn't quite in the same boat, and thought that every day was "all the time" and too much. He felt bugged and pressured, and I felt undesired and like we kept missing opportunities to have amazing sex.
A couple of months ago, I visited this person (who had been an ex for awhile), and wanted to have sex again, but he thought we should "try and be asexual for awhile." He didn't really give me a reason. I know he has every right to say no to sex and take time off, but it's been hard for me, especially not knowing a reason.

But I've certainly thought about being abstinent for awhile. I almost did this summer but changed my mind. I'm thinking about doing it again. I did it last summer but it didn't end up working too well.
I have a few reasons. Mostly I just want to try it out, because it's been so long since I've been abstinent for more than like..a month. So I kinda just want to do it for the hell of it. See if maybe it does improve my emotional well-being, keep drama and turmoil out of my life, help me focus on myself more, etc. On the other hand, I ask myself why give up something I enjoy? So I'm still deciding. I guess I'll see what happens when I return to college in a week.

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Member # 29128

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I'd be interested to know what didn't work out about it last summer, if it's not something you want to stay private.

I guess if I was doing a no-partnersex month for reasons other than really not feeling it, I would maybe find it helpful to look at it as time away from some related factors that I don't like, or getting something else I do want ("me-time"). Because I would find it hard to give up a thing I liked if I thought I was doing it just for the hell of it.

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Member # 46007

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I guess it didn't work because I have very little self-control. My reasons last summer were because I was about to run away to Ireland and live with the guy I loved (but who I wasn't going to see until the end of the summer), and even though we weren't in a relationship I felt like it would make him happier if I didn't get physical with anyone else (though later he said he really didn't care..he changed his mind a lot).
It was also to try to prove to him, and myself, and everyone who made fun of me for my hookups, that I DID have self-control. I wanted to meet up with Ethan in Dublin in September and say "I didn't kiss ANYONE but you this summer!"

It started out ok. Then my super cute tour guide in Peru started hitting on me. We cuddled a little and he asked me on a date at the end of the tour. I said yes but worried about how I'd keep from kissing him. We didn't end up going because his car radio got stolen and he was an hour late to pick me up; but I was relieved by this..just a month and a half to go..

Then just a few days later I met an American guy on the Inca Trail who started hitting on me, we talked a lot, we cuddled, and I told him that was as far as I wanted to go. But later we were cuddling in my tent and he started REALLY turning me on so I decided I couldn't control myself and maybe I could just pretend this didn't count and we started making out/fooling around. A few days later I let him go down on me.

So I at least resisted intercourse for 3 months, but it was hard and I still went farther than I'd hoped for. I think my problem is getting myself into situations where I'm going to get turned on and I'm going to give in. :/

[ 08-18-2010, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: Lilerse ]

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Member # 48373

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Lilerse, what i think of yuh sistuation is that if yuh don't want to have sex yuh should even if at the moments its seems easy just to give in becuase yuh've been turned on. Flirt as much as yuh want, cuddle, makeout, or even manual sex but don't go all the way .. Idk what to say but i've heard alot of cases like this and at the end what they do is go home and masterbait.


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