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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Hateful parents

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Author Topic: Hateful parents
Atonement
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I know I've posted about this before, but I'm not sure to what extent.

My dad is a very hateful person. A day that he doesn't scream at my mom for one thing or another is so rare that I can't even remember the last time it happened.

My mom's a great person, but to hear him tell it, she's trashy, manipulative, and a liar.

And she's "trashy" because she works a full time job, and when she is off, she can't keep up with all the messes he and my siblings make all day, and he's constantly calling her into their room to show her something on tv, or fight with her. He's also completely indecisive, and needs to debate for hours on everything, even something as simple as to go to the grocery store or not. And, you know, because she's a woman, it's her job to keep the house clean even though she works and he doesn't.

It's crazy. Things will be just fine, and then he'll storm into the house screaming at her about something she did 30 years ago that made him mad. He says that she's a bad mom because my siblings don't listen to her. The reason they don't listen to her is every time she scolds them he yells at her to shut up and stop being mean to them.

It's just such a hopeless situation. She left him a few times before I was born, but now that she has kids, she won't leave. He knows that, and takes advantage, knowing that he can be as nasty as he wants and there's nothing she will do about it.

I'm just so sick of it. All day, I avoid going downstairs because I want to stay away from any potential arguments. I've tried to intervene, help, and make him see how badly he's affecting everyone, but every time I've tried it backfires, and he just yells at me instead.

I'm getting to the point where I just want to leave and never come back. I'm planning on transferring to a university, but I need another year and a half to finish my prerequisites. Also, I have to stay on good terms because I probably am going to need their help financially. I filled out the FAFSA recently, and my EFC is too high for me to qualify for ANY government assistance, and regardless of whether I'm living with/speaking to them, the FAFSA people still consider me their dependent until I'm 24.

Next semester, I'm going to be taking classes at a community college campus, so I guess I'll just try to stay away as much as possible.

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Ecofem
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Hi atonement9,

I'm sorry to hear about this. Your dad sounds like a horribly abusive, not to mention incredibly unpleasant person to be around. I can imagine it's also hard dealing with it after a break-up where your plans are changed. However, I think there's a lot to be sad to getting out on your own terms and in your own time. For now, I'd probably just try to get out of the house as much as possible: I wish he treated your mom better and that she'd leave, but it's been her decision to stay. Even if your family members are getting counseling, you could and I'd recommend it if it's possible.

I'm a HUGE fan of community college: I took classes as a high school student/undergraduate and now am an instructor at one. They really offer so much, including an involved campus experience. Instructors are enthusiastic and caring and class sizes are small. I'd recommend you plan to send most of the day there during the week: you can eat there or pack a lunch, attend classes, make study groups, join clubs, get a part-time job, study in the library, and just even hang out. You can form good, new friendships with fellow hardworking students from interesting backgrounds. As for transportation, even rural community colleges will have carpooling opportunities. In fact, I know that many places have just opened registration for the Summer semester right now, too. What about even taking a class or two this summer to get out of the house and get a jump start? [Smile]

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Atonement
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I'm actually already signed up for classes. However, I do have a full time job, so I can't go to the campus mon-fri like the campus requires, so I'm going online for the summer.

I can't wait to start though. I went there last week to talk to an adviser, and even in the short time I was in the main area waiting, the people were friendly and I could really picture myself being happy there.

I think my dad's problem might be medical. He's always had anger issues and anxiety, but ever since his diabetes escalated it's been worse. He saw a doctor once, but refused to take any of the medicine he was prescribed because he's afraid of taking it. His blood sugar is usually in the 200-400 range even when he does watch what he eats, and his blood pressure is rarely under 200/90. The higher these numbers go, the less rational he becomes. My mom spent over a month trying to talk him into taking his medicine but had no success. I honestly wonder if he'd be easier to deal with if he was healthy.

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Ecofem
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Yea, I'm glad to hear you enjoyed being there! Even if you're working full-time now (go you!), you could still make an occasional weekend visit to check out books or magazines in the library, get a coffee, read the bulletin boards, etc. [Smile] I know I feel the same way whenever I go, like I want to leave high five-ing people or something. [Razz]

I certainly think medical issues could play a big role in your father's condition; however, still, it doesn't make it ok. And his choosing to not take his medicine is pretty serious because it's hurting you all so much. It sounds pretty self-destructive/self-hating to be living like he is when he's at such a high risk. However, as an adult, he needs to be the one to make that decision to take the medicine. You can tell him how much you care about him and want him healthy and around, but he's ultimately the one who needs to take it. I'm sorry he isn't!

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Cian
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Although you have no power it, but I'd just like to say that parents staying together "for the children" can be far more damaging than parents splitting up. My parents treated each other unfairly for years but stayed together for our sake, and I am rather mad at them for doing so, because all the horrible things could've been avoided and my little sister spared the horrors had they just called it quits in time. Maybe they could've even been friends.
My parents have now been separated for a couple of years and things are a lot calmer. I no longer need to fear for myself and my family on a daily basis and I wish things could've been like this so much sooner.
Of course, the ideal situation would be parents settling their differences and treating each other with due respect and love. Hopefully your parents can do just that in the future.

Your father's irrational behavior may well be the result of his ill health conditions, but like Ecofem already said, it is his own responsibility to take his medicine. And yes, you should without a doubt tell your father that you want him to be well.
(I know how frustrating this can be, my father will NEVER EVER go to the doctor, no matter how unwell he is. It's worrying.)

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Atonement
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Well, I've had a really hard time today. My boss was in a bad mood and yelled at me for things I didn't do multiple times. I'm studying for a test I have to take tomorrow that I'm terrified of failing.

Also, there was a big issue with my brother today. Ever since he first started school he's had problems with being bullied, and it's getting so bad that my parents are considering taking him out of school. I used to be opposed to this idea because I don't think he'll learn well at home. But now, I'm getting more and more concerned about his safety.

To top things off, I just went onto facebook, and reading through the bulletin saw some posts by my ex. He's all posting on there asking who wants to go drinking with him. Drinking was always a sore spot between us (I didn't like him drinking). Also, it just seems so unfair that he's all happy and hanging out while I'm in the state I am now. I'm always wondering if he misses me at all, but he didn't seem to care much for being around me when we were together, so I kind of doubt it. I feel like I put so much into that relationship, and I just wish that after all that time, I could have some sort of sign that it meant something to him.

I'm really sorry that I keep posting every day and taking up so much of your time lately. It's just, I really don't have anyone else to turn to. The only person in the world that I can turn to is my mom, and she's got so many issues of her own and is so busy, that I need another outlet. I really hope that sometime later when things are better and I'm where I want to be that I can give back some instead.

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Progo35
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Atonement-I'm SO SORRY that your brother is having to deal with such harassment. I was tormented at school as well and my parents and I also considered changing schools. I just wanted to express my sympathy and prayers/well wishes in this situation.
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Ecofem
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atonement9, I'm also sorry to hear about your brother's situation at school: have they intervened at school and even gotten people above the school involved if the administrators are not helping? I can imagine it's especially hard for your brother if he's facing tension both at school and at home.

It's really hard dealing with bosses like that and I hope your boss is better today. I wish you luck on your test: just try your best! [Smile]

While I can't attest to whether your boyfriend is happy or not or just acting like it, I do understand how such things can leave you questioning what the relationship meant to him. If anything, there was a reason you two broke up and while it may have seemed more vague at the time, you may be realizing more differences now: this hurts but can be ultimately helpful. My big suggestion is to un-friend him on Facebook for awhile or at least hide his updates: you don't need to deal with that kind of stress! You can always add him back later if you'd like but for now some space would be good, I think. [Smile]

It's ok for you to keep posting: I think it's a good chance to start looking at expanding your support circle in-person, too. For example, trying out new activities or starting to volunteer, too. For example, you could start getting involved with Student Life at the community college or talk to someone there about volunteer opps in the community.

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Atonement
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My parents have sent many, many emails to the school over the years, but none of them have ever really helped. Part of it is that my brother has sometimes begged them to keep quiet because he thinks (probably with reason) that if he tells on them they'll be even meaner. Most of this stuff is taking place in semi-monitored areas like the school bus or the lunchroom. know once a few months ago I gave him a ride home so he wouldn't have to put up with the idiots on the bus.

They let him stay home form school today and are trying to set up appointments with the counselor/ principal and thinking about homeschooling him again. I used to be very apposed to that but not I'm not seeing any other option. There's no other public schools around here and we can't afford to send him to a private school.

I'm just not understanding why he's such a target. When he asked me for advice years ago, I told him that if he stayed away from these people they wouldn't bother him. It worked for me when I was in highschool. But these kids seek him out, and If one mean kid moves or the year ends and a bully moves up to the next school, another takes his place.

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Cian
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I feel for you and your brother. My little sister has been bullied in school for being into Japanese pop-culture, and coming from a small town and not having likeminded friends like I did in my fandom, she got outcasted and harassed upon relentlessly. My sister has since changed schools, but in return, she has a severe social phobia.
Personally I don't think bullies should be allowed to drive anyone out off school, but truthfully, teachers have their hands full and will often be oblivious to any bullying that might go on even under their noses. It's terribly sad.
I've done a bit of research on school bullying and often bullies do not see anything wrong with their actions as their targets are often ones who do not have a network of friends who'd back them up and stand up for them, and because of this friendlessness, bullying them is seen as "morally acceptable" by passive by-standers who may also fear becoming the target if they intervene.
I would persist with the school staff, and contact the bullies' families. There is a chance the bullying will get worse. But there is also a chance it'll stop.

Best wishes to you and your family. Also keep in mind that YOU are having a hard time too, allow yourself that. And I encourage continuing posting here on Scarleteen, it's good to have an outlet for yourself and all your thoughts. People here are without a doubt happy to help you.

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Ecofem
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Hi atonement9,

I'm sorry that the school has been so unresponsive to the emails. I don't mean to put the ball in your family's court here, but I think that when emails aren't enough, you have the right to start demanding more: conferences with administrators/teachers, parental visits to the lunchroom/classroom, and even the threat of legal action. Also, if the bullies aren't being held accountable like they should (unfortunately [Frown] ), I think anti-bullying training for your brother would also help greatly. If your family has not looked into these options, I'd recommend trying out these various routes and even talking to a lawyer.

Cian, as a teacher myself, I have to respectfully disagree about the comment about teaching " will often be oblivious to any bullying that might go on even under their noses." Yes, some may be this way but not everyone at every school is like this. And when people aren't noticing, it's time to speak up and stand up for your rights... and, yes, unfortunately it can sometimes be a fight.

[ 04-08-2010, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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Atonement
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They're already in the process of trying to make appointments to speak with the administration.

I'm not really sure if they could contact the bullie's parents. They're all in the 14-15 age range, and I think getting involved is a lot more complicated at that age.

I've had some AWESOME teacher's throughout life, but this one teacher in the particular class he's being picked on most spends the first 30 minutes of class sitting in her office doing who knows what. I think that this is A) irresponsible to leave 20 something 8th graders unsupervised and B) Just not fair to the students in her class to get an education

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Heather
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Just FYI, any kind of harassment like this can also always be reported to the police. So, if the school just won't act, or is handling it badly or in a substandard way, it may be time to move on.

It also sounds like it may be time for them to talk to a lawyer if the school is not taking the appropriate action which, if they are not doing all they can to stop this to assure all students can safely be at school, is not appropriate action. Chances are a lawyer coming in would get them to step it up fast, and getting a pro-bono lawyer on this issue would not likely be difficult.

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Ecofem
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Hi atonement, thanks for following up with more information. I agree with Heather here and also wanted to add this: that teacher sounds completely horrible and should have been fired years ago. However, she's probably got tenure by now and the school admitting her failings is admitting that they weren't monitoring their teachers close enough. Even in a laid-back classroom, there needs to be pretty close and aware supervision, and not doing so is negligent. As for the age thing, all those students would be facing consequences and their parents would be involved if they were doing stuff to the extent you're describing, so the school really is failing your brother. I would definitely start looking into legal action, documenting things, having your parents visit the school, and more: your brother isn't the one who should have to be suffering the consequences of this. And, honestly, if I were working at that school, with things like this all over the news, I'd be pretty damn scared about the repercussions. If you are willing to share your general location and/or state, I can help look up some resources for you.
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Atonement
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I'm not quite sure what they're planning right now- they think they might want to go straight to the police- but I think they should probably have a meeting with the principal first.

They sent the school and email a couple days ago, and when he went to school that day none of the usual kids bothered him, but some new ones did.

Now, I'm not even sure if they're gonna send him to school tomorow or not. really hope they figure it out because if he keeps missing school he's gonna get really behind.

The state I live in is Texas. I'd rather not be any more specific than that on the boards, but if the city/county is important, I'd be happy to send you a private message/ email.

Everything else has been pretty OK. I passed the test that I was worried about (not by much- but I guess I have to start somewhere).

I also talked to my ex the other day, and for some reason it made me feel a lot better. He gave me an update on all his school plans. I'm not sure why i feel better after talking to him. I guess it just makes me feel good that he still likes me as a person/hasn't totally forgotten about me.

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Shonne Elijah
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You should really talk to someone about this. Your mom especially. You should tell her that she doesn't need to feel obligated to stay with your dad because of her kids. She has needs too and anyway, growing up with an angry parent can really affect kids. I think you and your mom need to address him about this issue. Does he understand how scared he makes you feel when he yells and blames everyone around him? I would consider going into family counselling/therapy. You sound like you have a lot of issues to addresss. Everyone is suffering. Your dad sounds like he probably has some history he feels he needs to hide and that's why he's lashing out.
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