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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I'm not sure of how I should feel.

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Author Topic: I'm not sure of how I should feel.
sky09876
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We were both drunk. Not wasted drunk, just kinda silly drunk. We were fooling around in his dorm room (he's 19 and I'm 17). I told him there was only one rule. No sex. The next thing I know he's...entering me... I was a virgin and he was not. I'm not sure if I should be mad at him, because I feel like it isn't his fault? I don't know if that makes sense or not.. Thoughts?

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Sky

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bookwormfairy
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I think that what he did was wrong,eventhough you were both a little drunk, he should have known better. This is his fault, not yours. You told him from the beginning that you didn't want sex. He took advantage of the fact that you were drunk and went ahead with it anyway. What he did is considered rape, so you could report him if you want to.

[ 03-22-2010, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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How isn't it his fault?

You made your limits very clear, and he chose to cross them. He couldn't have been THAT drunk if he was able to initiate sex, which means he was most likely also sober enough to know he was crossing your boundary.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sky09876
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I just feel so wrong. Like maybe I should've said something else, or did something else.

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Sky

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Ecofem
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But you don't do anything wrong, and how you could have known? It's often hard NOT to blame ourselves in such bad situations but we are not at fault, you know? This is about his inappropriate behavior (abusive), not about anything you did.
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sky09876
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The other thing is after he started, I really didn't see a point in trying to stop him from continuing I mean what was the difference at that point he already has my virginity. Was that stupid?

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Sky

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Ecofem
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No, it's not stupid at all, and a very understandable reaction! Consent is a "yes!" not an absent of no.
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sky09876
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Thank you for helping.

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Sky

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Ecofem
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You're welcome, Sky. Please come back if you'd like: I think dealing with this stuff can take time to process. I just hope you're feeling ok for now! I'm glad you came here and posted. [Smile]

Here are some more resources you may be interested in:
Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
Dealing With Rape
He's my boyfriend, so how could it have been rape?

Also, in-person resources are great, but I always recommend RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. You can call their toll-free, confidential number or even chat anonymously online to a counselor.
http://www.rainn.org/

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I also want to add something about virginity.

Virginity isn't something medical or anatomical: it's a concept, one not everyone even uses, and one that when most people do, refers to someone's CHOICE to have a given kind of sex. Something that is chosen for one person but is not something the other chose to do isn't sex, it's an attack.

So, if virginity is meaningful for you, I don't see rape as something that makes any sense within that construct, especially for a victim.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sky09876
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i have another question. i am on the pill, and he did use a condom, but i'm supposed to have my period this week and it's already wednesday and i haven't got it yet.. is that normal with the pill or should i be worried about other things?

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Sky

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Heather
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Many women using the pill don't get their withdrawal bleeds right when they start the placebo period. As well, the stress and trauma you have dealt with here can also impact that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sky09876
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okay when should i start worrying?

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Sky

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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If you miss your withdrawal bleed through all of the placebos, then it'd be time to take a pregnancy test (which is productive, whereas worrying doesn't do anything for you at all).

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sky09876
Neophyte
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okay thank you.

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Sky

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