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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » He feels his ex is the only woman he will ever love!

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Author Topic: He feels his ex is the only woman he will ever love!
BreakingSilence
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For about 4 months I've been hanging out with this guy. By just looking at us you'd think we had absolutely nothing in common. However, we have everything in common, we've been through similar issues in life, we both had a 4 year relationship at a young age that just didn't last. We even have the same ways of thinking. WE spend every chance we get together. It is very hard to see him every day because we work opposite work schedules. He has grown on me so much, and it was honestly a coinsidence of how we met. It's not like I was looking for this guy, its more like he just came along. I really and truly care for this guy more than I can explain in words, he means everything to me. I've never felt so happy around anyone. I feel I can really trust him and tell him anything! We grew so close in just a short amount of time and even this early on I know I wouldn't want to ever lose him.
Last week he tells me that he doesn't think he's over his ex girlfriend. It really hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't think it would have in such a way if we wouldn't have hit it off the way we have. I have developed feelings for him and we've shared intimate time together. I was not thinking he'd come back and tell me he wanted her back. I really hurts me . She does not want him back., and he just cannot accept it. Everything he has ever told me about his ex girlfriend wasn't good. Personally I think her and I would clash. The other night he talked about suicide. He was cutting , and I found out he tried drugs for the first time. All over a girl who doesn't care enough about his feelings. I know everyone is entitled to having time to get over their ex's , but I think he's obsessed with her. He said he has such strong feelings because she was his " first everything". He said "I just want to have closure, no matter what" I understand he needs to have that. I'm not rushing him and I'm really understanding of how important our virginity was to each of us. I just don't feel it is healthy for the way he is feeling. She never treated him right, I don't know how someone could think the world of a person who treated them badly. I've been through alot in my life and I refuse to try to love someone who doesn't want me. He says the only reason he is still here is because of me. Because I care so much about him, he says it keeps him going.
She called him yesterday to try to work things out ( its been about 4 months since their break up) she keeps telling him " i need a few days to think" She's playing with his mind. He's willing to go to the ends of the earth and back for someone who is selfish and who got with his best friend after they broke up. He said he would be really upset if she didn't want him back. I told him to just take the answer she gave him as a no. I know it is very hard, but he can't continue to live this way, and honestly I'd be very sad if they got back together, since i have strong feelings for him. I'd be willing to risk that just to see him happy. I just need advice on how to help him shake this, how to make him realize there are better people out there who will treat him right. He says he likes me, but he can't give me his heart right now because his ex has it. This is emotionally hard for both of us. I mean we both thought he was over her from the get-go. he says no matter what happens he will always be my friend, and if she didn't like it then too bad. He tells me he's never had anyone treat him as well a I do, so why is he so stuck on this girl who doesn't want him?? I just need to know how I am supposed to help him, I'm really lost for words right now and its depressing me. I care so strongly for him and I want to be with him, but I understand he needs to get better and move forward. I'm willing to help get him to that point.
If you can offer me any advise on this I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much.
Sorry this was so long, I really needed to vent. Thanks

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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He clearly needs more time before he's ready for another romantic relationship.

I understand that YOU feel ready to have one with him and it's something you want, but it sounds to me like he's making very clear that he isn't there yet.

I don't see resenting his ex or trying to assess what you feel is or is not healthy for him to be productive, especially since you have your own romantic agenda here.

By all means, self-injury and suicidal behavior.feelings are something a person should seek out professional help with. Same with also being able to let go of a previous relationship at a certain point. But you're not a therapist, and you also have bias here (because you want something from him for yourself), so the best you can do is let him know, kindly, and without this being about what YOU want, that you think it sounds like he could use some good help, and that you think counseling might help him out.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Thank you. I've suggested counseling to him, and I told him I could even go with him. He says he's willing to do so, but that he isn't ready to go. I care about his feelings more than mine, I'm willing to sacrifice my feelings for him. Do you feel he is ready to go ? I don't want to wait til he's on the verge of suicide before he gives in and decides to go. I'm very sad to see someone I care about feel so hopeless.

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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I don't know him, but if he says he doesn't feel ready, then he doesn't feel ready. He's the expert on him. And you can't make him go, you can only be supportive if he does go. If you earnestly feel he is in danger of killing himself, though, then you'll want to tell a trusted adult -- like a parent of yours or his, or a teacher you share -- so that they can step in and get him help.

So, for now, I'd just try and be clear with yourself about where he's at, and try to keep yourself from getting attached to the idea of a romantic or sexual relationship. If it is already sexual, and you don't feel good about being sexual with him when he still isn't over someone else, then to protect your own heart you may want to curb anything sexual together until he wants the same things you do and also feels really ready for them, and is emotionally available for them.

[ 02-16-2010, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Thank you. we don't do anything sexual anything because we dont want him feeling awkward.I kind of feel hurt about it, but whatever I guess. I already told his dad about it , He said he would talk to him, I'm hoping to show him your responses and see what he thinks of them. I also called a councelor a little bit ago and that helped alot. Thanks alot. I'm not afraid for his life now, but I am afraid that his ex is going to drive him over the edge once she has the "few days" she claimed to have needed and reality sets back in for him. Thats why I feel he needs to go to a councelor soon.

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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It might help to remind yourself that his feelings about his ex aren't about you.

To be clear, we don't get over a given person because someone else is so awesome they can magically make all our old feelings or the importance of our history go away. Nobody has that power, even if sometimes, another person can certainly be a distraction.

It's not that you aren't great, it's that he's still processing another set of feelings he had well before you, and healing from a previous relationship.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Thanks Heather [Smile]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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You're very welcome. [Smile] Hang in there!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Thank you! Do you ever think a person would ever do something like this for attention? Do you think there's another reason behind this??

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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It's well-documented and pretty unilaterally agreed upon by the mental health community that when someone is earnestly suicidal and intends to kill themselves, they tend to be secretive about it. And that when a person talks to others about it, they are usually issuing a cry for help.

I don't use the word "attention," because I feel like it has negative connotations: that if we say it's for attention, people dismiss it, when in fact, crying for help that way usually comes from someone who is suffering in some way and does earnestly need help.

So, this is one of those things where I always say it's best to trust your gut instincts. If you get the feeling this guy is sincere about wanting to kill himself, I'd suggest erring on the side of caution and letting someone who can help know.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Thank you! I'm pretty much assured that he is now far beyond the verge of suicide. He tells me that I' ve helped him so much and how he's glad to have me. I just can't understand if I'm "so great" why he would be seeing his ex on monday? and let me mind you, she told him "I'm not sure if I even still love you" He asked me what my opinion of the situation was and I told him Its a good idea if he's gaining something like closure, but a I see no point in him setting himself up to feel worse later on. Also last week he spoke about him and I being on this "best friend basis" where we cant say or do anything sexual until he feels he's over his ex. Last night when I was at work he was texting for a couple hours.. he was flirting with me, complimenting me and sending me sexual messages. How should I take this? Do you really think him thinking so highly of me and me being around is enough to help him cope and get over his ex? DO you think I'm just wasting my time? I really don't want to lose this guy. I've never met anyone like him. He's respected me enough to not expect intercourse from me. He would give me a back massage for 2 hours if I let him. He always wants to do something for me and he calls me cute names like "sweetie" and " honey". Never does he make me pay for anything. What should I do? Thanks

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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BreakingSilence
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Ok, so I talked to him earlier today, and I asked him how he was. He said he was really good, and I knew he's been acting more up-beat than last week and he kind of seemed like somethings come over him. I'm glad to see him this way.He said " I shifted my thoughts on something else. I want to lose weight and get in shape , so I'm focused on that now. I'm kind of glad he's acting " normal" again. I hate to see him so down. What do you think of all of this? Thank you again!

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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BreakingSilence
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I'm so confused right now and I need help. His ex girlfriend just told him that she slept with another guy, now he says he's over her and he hates the guy.. Let me mind you the guy "was" his bestfriend. He says there's no way she can love him if she did something like that to him, because having sex was supposed to be something special. He feels like it meant nothing. Now he's telling me to leave him alone. What did I do wrong? Why would he take it out on the only person who stuck through it with him? Please Help!Thanks

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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quote:
DO you think I'm just wasting my time? I really don't want to lose this guy.
I think what you probably need to figure out is if a relationship that might remain a platonic friendship is okay with you, and something you're comfortable investing your time in.

In other words, it's possible that's the kind of relationship this will ultimately be. If that was the case, is being in it still worthwhile for you?

You perhaps also need to take into account that this is clearly someone in a life transition and crisis: that can be a pretty rough time to start a relationship of any kind, including a friendship, with anyone. When someone is in that space, their behavior certainly can be erratic. He may also be asking for time alone because he simply ants time to himself to deal with his feelings regarding what happened with his ex.

quote:
I've never met anyone like him. He's respected me enough to not expect intercourse from me. He would give me a back massage for 2 hours if I let him. He always wants to do something for me and he calls me cute names like "sweetie" and " honey". Never does he make me pay for anything.
The thing about paying for things aside (since that's just about someone's economics), are you saying you have never had a friend who has fit all of those criteria before?

I also think you really, really need to stop trying to evaluate his ex and whether or not she loves him. It's just not your place unless he is asking you for that input.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Thanks. he actually has asked me. I don't give my opinion on anything unless he asks me. I'm just confused because last week he told me he was ready to move on. He told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I repeatedly asked if he felt he was ready for that and he said yes. Everything was fine ( or at least I thought) and then last night he broke up with me and told me he couldn't love anyone. That he loves me but he just can't stop thinking about his ex. I give up

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

Posts: 313 | From: :) | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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