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Author Topic: issues and trust?
toxicxbarbie
Neophyte
Member # 42826

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I've made many mistakes in my life.
when i was younger i was molested by my cousin, who made me give him oral.

over the years i have cut myself, been slightly anorexic and bulimic, you name it. i even got drunk once had sex with a guy who was 4 years older than i.

i've always had a lot of issues. but recently i met a really great guy and we've beeen dating for a little while. he knows about most of this stuff (eerything except the eating disorders) and he's taken it really well, which surprises me. i still have issues with some of the aforementioned stuff, but i'm too scared to tell him, thinking he'll think i'm a freak and dump me. i have some major trust issues and im not sure if this is a trust thing or if i'm just scared?

he leaned in to kiss me the other day and i pulled back because contact sometimes freaks me out with everything that happened. i get scared even being alone in a room with another guy sometimes if i don't know them. it makes me very uncomfortable.

so i'm wondering what and if i should tell him and also how to get over my trust issues.

Posts: 5 | From: Ohio | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Welcome to ST, toxic!

First of all, I'd like to suggest that you try not to look on all of this in terms of 'mistakes' that you have made. We're talking about sexual abuse here, which is something that was done TO you, and we're talking about self-injury and disordered eating, which are coping mechanisms we adopt when we come up against things we do not know how to deal with (such as, for example, sexual abuse).

So you see, this really is NOT about you screwing up or making mistakes or being a freak. At all.

Have you ever talked to anyone about what your cousin did? What you describe here is abuse, and that's absolutely NEVER okay. It's also not surprising that this has affected you. Abuse can be hard to deal with, especially if you're trying to do so on your own. So my advice here would be that you start by seeking out counseling. You can talk to your parents and ask them for help in this, or talk to your school counselor, or call a local crisis hotline to get some local addresses. If you want, you can also let us know where you are located and we can see what resources are available to you.

Secondly: self-injury, disordered eating, difficulties with intimacy and trusting people (especially people who remind you of your abuser) - all of those are very typical responses to sexual abuse. Which is also why I think that counseling is really the best way to go here. By working through your abuse and starting to heal, you'll also learn to understand what's driving you to hurt yourself, and how you can better deal with those emotions.

Now, none of that is a quick-fix. Healing from sexual abuse takes time. I'm not saying this to discourage you - I just want you to be aware of what's ahead of you. I also want to make sure you understand that you're not a freak, but that you are someone who's been hurt by someone else and is having a hard time dealing with it. So cut yourself some slack, and start to place the blame where it belongs.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, what you tell him is up to you. Though I do have to say that being honest is always the best way to go. You don't have to start by telling him all at once - simply letting him know that there is something you need to tell him, but that you aren't ready to talk about yet, is a good start. Just be sure that he's in the loop and knows that there's something going on. Also, please don't pressure yourself into things you're not ready for. Listen to yourself, and don't be afraid to assert your boundaries with your boyfriend. It sounds like he's been a really great and caring boyfriend so far, and so he ought to respect those boundaries.

If there's anything else that we can help you with, or any questions that you have, do feel free to post them. We'll do our best to help you out in this.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
toxicxbarbie
Neophyte
Member # 42826

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Well when it first appened i was reall little and i didn't understand it. i told my parents but i think all they did was maybe yell at him. they aren't exactly the most caring and supportive people and my dad can get angry so i don't mess with it.
as for counselors i haven't had great experiences with them either. i tried talking to a counselor once after someone had told her about some of the stuff i did and she betrayed my trust. and my parents gave up on it a long time ago and don't reall ycare what i do anymore.
the only people i can really talk to are my friends, plus i'm a Christian so that helps some, but still sometimes i feel so alone.
i told my boyfriend i used to cut but he doesn't know that i still do sometimes.
the only thing i hate more than anger is dissapointment after ive promised to stop and didn't. so i'm telling him partly out of fear and partly because of that, but i kind of feel guilty for not telling him.

Posts: 5 | From: Ohio | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I'm so sorry that your parents weren't more supportive when you confided in them. It really would have been their job to be there for you.

Please understand that you deserve to get help. The way you've been dismissed by your parents, and the way your counselor betrayed your trust is not okay. But there are people out there who will give you the help that you need.

Again, is there a counselor at your school? That's a good first place. Another good place to start is by calling a crisis hotline. You can find local numbers online or in the phone book, and they are usually free and anonymous. Won't even show up on your phone bill. So you can call without having to get your parents involved, and they will listen to you and direct you to resources in your area.

I'm stressing the counselor bit so much, because it really is so important with healing from sexual abuse to be able to talk about it and work through it. I really hope you can find someone who can support you in this.

You say your parents aren't a lot of help to you. Are there any other relatives that you could trust in and talk to? Any teachers or coaches that you trust? How about someone from your church? All of those are also good places to find allies.

One note on cutting: it's a coping mechanism. It's something that we do because we cannot find another way to deal with emotions that we are feeling. So in order to quit cutting, you'll need to learn - with the help of a counselor - WHY it is that you cut. Then you need to find other ways of coping with that. And then, eventually, you'll be able to quit cutting. This means that we can't just quit cutting like that, and that it's not a good idea to promise someone that you'll quit. You're experiencing this yourself: breaking that promise makes you feel crappy because you don't want to disappoint your partner. So, try not to make those promises, and instead focus on finding someone who can help you find out what's making you cut in the first place.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
toxicxbarbie
Neophyte
Member # 42826

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Thanks.

there is one person- my best friends dad. He already found out about the cutting and she's been begging me to talk to him for a couplee years because he's pretty cool about things.

i'm just afraid hell tell my parents and theyll blow up at me and blame it all on me.....

Posts: 5 | From: Ohio | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
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It sounds like that would be a good person to talk to, then! You don't have to jump right in and tell him everything, but just going up to him and letting him know that you'd like to accept his help and support is a good start. You can also ask him where he stands on informing your parents, so you'll know what to expect.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
toxicxbarbie
Neophyte
Member # 42826

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thank you a lot for all your advice.

i'm pretty sure he won't tell them because he basically hates them. i pretty much live over at thier house now because its a lot better situation and i know people care over there.

thank you for the support

Posts: 5 | From: Ohio | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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It's good to hear that you're getting so much support from your friend's family!

And, you're welcome. [Smile] If you need anything else, just come back and ask.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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